Chapter 32
Rowan
When it comes to my family, I’ve always been okay with them having the upper hand. I let them talk at me, I never complain or back-talk. I’m respectful to a fault, but that was mostly because I didn’t want them to ever guess about this other side of me that I’ve worked for so long to keep hidden.
Well, it’s out there now.
So as I walk into the diner, I keep my head high even though I’m preparing for a full-frontal assault.
I don’t know if it’ll just be Piper there, or the whole Harvey clan, but I do know that I’m ready for a fight if it comes to it.
The thing I’m not sure about is whether Circus will be there for me when it’s over.
He’s seemed so in this thing since I showed up the other night, but the last thing I want is for being in a relationship with me to make things hard for him.
I need to confront my family and let them know nothing is going to change and if they don’t like it, fine. But they’re to keep away from Circus.
I’m all but holding my breath when I finally get to Harvey’s Burger Bar and push through the door.
The tinkle of the bell overhead is familiar in a soul-deep way. And even though I don’t want to keep working here, it would kill me to never step foot back in the place.
I glance around at the usual regulars, smiling at a few of them, and then make my way over to where Piper is manning the coffee machine.
There’s a part-timer out back working the grill, and thankfully I don’t see any other family around.
“What’s good here?” I ask, sliding into the stool closest to my sister. She immediately spins at my voice, and her face breaks into a smile.
“It’s about time. Where have you been?”
Truthfully? “Hiding.”
“Still with Circus?”
“Well, he’s my boyfriend, so …”
Piper crosses her arms and leans on the counter. “Boyfriend? Wow. Congratulations.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
She’s smiling, but I can’t quite read how she feels. It’s definitely off compared to what she’s normally like, but I don’t think it’s completely bad. “Are we okay?”
“Of course.” She hurries to squeeze my arm. “Yes, totally. I am one hundred percent happy for you.”
“Then what’s with the face?”
“I’m sorry. I swear it’s not you. Really. I’m just struggling with the being single thing right now. And while I’m happy for you, like, legitimately thrilled, it’s also reminding me I’m still alone.”
Well, thank God for that. “Piper, you’re one of the best people I know. But … maybe you need to let Tanner go already. I’m well aware of how hypocritical that sounds coming from me when I’ve never been able to forget Circus, but him and Royce … I dunno. I can’t see that ever ending.”
“Yeah, I know.” She wipes over the counter. “They were always sort of inevitable, weren’t they?”
I’d like to think Circus and I were too.
The bell above the door sounds again, and I glance back over my shoulder to see Mom and Dad walk in … with Father O’Connor. This does not seem promising.
“Rowan, thank the Lord,” Mom says, hurrying over.
“Yeah, hi.”
“I didn’t know if you’d come.” She almost sounds … worried. I try not to let it get my hopes up.
“I didn’t know if I wanted to.”
“And now?”
My gaze flicks toward Father O’Connor and Dad as they slide into a booth in the corner. “Undecided.”
“Where have you been staying?”
“With Circus …”
Her inhale is sharp. “I thought you might say that. Rowan …”
“Are—are you mad?”
“No. No, no, no. I’m …” She lets out a watery sniff. “I love you.” It sounds more like she’s trying to convince herself than remind me. “We just want to have a conversation. Talk through some things.”
I’m uncomfortably aware of what those things might be. “Fine. Let’s get it over with.”
We join the booth with Dad and Father O’Connor, and as I slide in beside Mom and she takes my hand, a lump lodges itself in my chest. I’m itching to jump up and run out of here, but I need to stand my ground. Running won’t change a damn thing.
“Thanks for meeting us,” Dad says gruffly, staring at the table.
I don’t bother responding.
Father O’Connor reaches a hand across the table. “Rowan, good to see you again.”
“You too.” I give it a solid shake. “Sorry, I’m just struggling to work out what you’re doing here for a family conversation.”
“While I’m a priest, I also have experience with family reconciliations. Your parents asked me here to provide support for you all.”
Support for us all or just them?
“Who would like to start?” Father O’Connor asks.
“I think we just need more information, Rowan,” Mom says. “I mean, how long have you been …?”
“Gay? Forever. It’s not something that just happens.”
“No, of course not …”
“You’re disappointed.”
“Rowan … I could never be disappointed. I’m, well, worried. We’re all”—she gestures to Dad—“worried.”
“I bet some of you are more than worried.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it? Dad? Are you seriously going to say you and Grandpa haven’t already disowned me?”
He takes a measured breath. “I won’t disown you. I’m just struggling to understand.”
“What is so hard to understand?”
“You played football, and had that nice girlfriend, and—”
“What he means is, it’s just not something we were prepared for,” Mom says.
“You took us all by surprise, and now I have a beautiful son who’s all these things that we’ve been told are sinful, and Rowan, I just, I don’t know.
I know you’re good, and I’ll always love you, but I’m …
struggling. I mean … are you sure you’re gay?
Maybe you just haven’t found the right—”
“Don’t. I know what you’re going to say, and it’ll just piss me off.
” I want to get angry and tell her to fuck off, but what she’s going through now is the same thing I’ve struggled with since I first realized that I didn’t look at girls the way my friends did.
“I know,” I finally say. “I’ve had the same little voice, all my life, telling myself I’m wrong, or disgusting.
And I’ve tried to fight this, Mom. So much.
But I couldn’t.” Tears are pushing at the backs of my eyes, but I refuse to let them out this time.
Dad lets out a heavy breath. “We have a deal for you.”
I don’t like the sound of that. I glance over to where Leon’s just walked in and send him the best help eyes I possibly can, but he just turns and walks out again.
“We’ll accept this … thing, on one condition.”
“Which is?” I eye him warily, knowing I’m not going to like what he’s about to say.
“We want you to get help. Ah, therapy, if you will. Father O’Connor knows of a good place with good people.”
“Conversion therapy?” I reel back from the thought of it. Yes, I might have considered it years ago, but I know better now.
“Strictly voluntary,” Father O’Connor says, raising his hands. “I know there are some bad places out there, but this one is all aboveboard. Nothing illegal. That said, it’ll only work if you want it to work. I don’t recommend it to anyone whose mind is set on homosexual ways.”
I’m breathing heavier, gripping the table edge with one hand and squeezing Mom’s tighter with the other. “You would rather I went through this and made myself unhappy than accept me as I am?”
“Come on, Rowan,” Dad snaps. “The Bible is clear. You’re our son, and we only want what’s best for you.
” To my surprise and horror and shock, he blinks back tears.
“We’re scared. Scared that if you go down this path your soul will be …
” He can’t even say the words. “We love you. And maybe this will help, maybe it won’t, but all we’re asking is that you try.
If you try this for us, and it doesn’t work, when you get back, it will be our turn. We’ll accept you, and … your partner.”
He can’t even say Circus’s name. “And if I don’t go?”
The despair on his face recedes. “Then this is it for us. Standing by while you do nothing would not make us responsible parents. If you won’t even try and rid yourself of this thing, what do you expect us to do?”
Love me anyway?
The thing is, I understand though. I don’t want to—I fucking hate that I do. But all these years I’ve been trying to deny myself have been directly linked to their exact same thought process. We’re all so fucking brainwashed.
It’s taken me years to get to a point where I finally want to accept who I am. How long is it going to take them?
If I don’t do this, I’ll lose them. Yes, Piper and Leita will still be here for me, but these are my parents.
What if I went? It’d be a few months at the most, then I’d come back and they’d have to hold up their end of the deal. By Christmas, everything could be exactly the way I’ve always wished it would be and never dared to actually believe.
But it would mean leaving Circus. Even for only a short time, it’s the last thing I want to do.
But do I really have a choice?