Chapter 34
Rowan
Istare down at the photo of Circus and me from a few minutes ago.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks.
I almost laugh. Am I sure? Hell no. I’m about to put my entire life online for a bunch of strangers to pass judgment.
These posts aren’t my life, not like Circus. I want them to know why I hid and why I won’t be posting as frequently anymore.
If I lose all my followers today, it’s not something I care about, but Circus has been working at this for years. It’s important to him, even if there’s an element to it that isn’t healthy. It doesn’t matter. If it’s important to him, it’s important to me too.
Except now I have no words. I mean, how do you sum up twenty-four years of gay-bashing yourself?
How do I put into words that I hated who I am and wanted to stamp that out of me?
That I’d considered conversion therapy and maybe would have gone through with it if it didn’t require me to come out first.
There are so many elements, so many layers. And the last thing I want is for any of it to come across like I’m making excuses. Too many people go through what I did, and they’re not all lucky enough to have found a support system to help them through it.
Man, if I had never seen that psychologist in the first place, I might never have had the guts to come back here.
I bite the inside of my cheek and start to type.
I try to convey the way religion rooted itself so deeply into my mind and the minds of my family. I try to explain the feelings of inadequacy, the terror at realizing I couldn’t stop looking at guys, the mix of panic and hope every time I was with Circus and pictured myself kissing him.
How desperately I’d wanted to be straight. How desperately I’d wanted to find a woman who’d consume me the way Circus did. How I’d thought maybe someone had come close. But I’d tried to force that friendship onto a path it couldn’t manage, and I’d hurt her.
But it wasn’t just her I hurt.
I lied to my family, my friends, myself.
I hurt Circus, which I don’t think I’ll ever get over.
But I’m trying.
I want to move on from all the negativity and start to do it right. To show my family that nothing has changed, and to show Circus that I’ll be here always. Because the alternative isn’t something I want to live through again.
I want people to know that if they’re going through what I am, it can get better.
When I’m finally finished typing, I’m drained.
But I post it before I can talk myself out of it.
“There. Now everyone knows what I struggled through, and how you’ve always been there for me.”
Circus smiles. “You mean you didn’t tell everyone that we totally scammed them?”
“I just didn’t think that approach would paint us in the best light for some reason. This way, it’s closer to the truth anyway. Even when we were faking shit, it wasn’t fake, you know?”
“Exactly.”
I crawl across the couch to lie down and rest my head on his chest. “I’m tired.”
“Want to go sleep?”
“It’s like, three o’clock. And you don’t have dark curtains.”
“I hate sleeping in.”
“Well, that doesn’t help when a nap would come in handy.”
When he laughs, I hear it deep in his chest. The sound is soothing and makes me feel all warm inside. He lifts his hand and starts to stroke his fingers through my hair, and my eyes fall closed. It’s nice. Peaceful.
“In high school, would you ever, in a million years, have thought we’d end up like this?” I ask.
“Yes.”
His certainty makes me sit up. “What?”
“I dunno.” He looks a little uncomfortable, but there’s a cute smile trying to pull up his lips.
“I used to think about it all the time. You coming out and telling me how you felt. Us doing college together or you taking over the diner while I worked out what to do with my life. Us traveling. Us here, just … living.” He wrinkles his nose.
“Now tell me, on a scale of one to never, how much should I have not just spilled all that?”
“It was ridiculously sappy. So I’d say a hard seven.”
Circus groans and buries his face in one hand, but I hurry to pull it away. “Nope, not done trying to stuff my emotions back away.”
I bark out a laugh. “Dude, I have literally cried all over you after sex. I don’t think there’s anything you could do or say at this point to top that.”
“True. That was pretty embarrassing for you.”
I twist his nipple, and he lets out a yelp. “You make me feel safe enough to be vulnerable.”
“Oooh, that was a strong eight.”
“And I think about you always.”
“We’re approaching a nine …”
“You make it easy to be myself.”
“Abort, abort.”
I shut him up with a kiss. “And I never want to know what it’s like without you in my life again. You’re easily the greatest person I’ve ever met, and you’re pretty good in bed too.”
He slumps. “You killed me with a ten.”
“I’ll give you tens every day.”
He breathes out a laugh and runs his fingers down my cheek. “I was offered a movie role.”
“What? That’s—”
“Not what I want.”
“But I thought …”
“Yeah, at one time it might have been right. But not anymore. I already messaged Preston to decline.”
I glance at his phone. “How isn’t he ringing nonstop by now?”
“I turned my phone off.”
“You? Disconnected from technology?”
“I’m going to make an effort to be a little less intense about it.
I mean, I have all the money I could ever need, and with you here, I don’t know …
I sort of want to do something else. Maybe.
I’m not really sure yet, but I don’t want to give it all up completely.
I enjoy it. I just sort of want to get fulfillment from other areas too. ”
“That’s amazing.”
“Or stupid?”
“Nope. Just solidly amazing.”
I’m sure some part of Circus is turning the movie thing down because of me, and maybe I should feel bad about that, but if he’s looking to start life outside of the virtual one he’s created for himself, I’m here for it.
I’ll support him in any way he needs, and I know he’ll do the same for me. He always has.
And that’s why, even after only a few months back in each other’s lives, I know I’ll do whatever I can to make him happy.
We fit.
And we’ll keep helping each other fight off our doubts and the dark thoughts that try to take over.
Because no matter what, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my life.
And I have a feeling the best hasn’t even hit yet.