Chapter 5
Rafe
Guys regularly help other guys wipe the food from their faces. It’s not weird. At all. And it’s definitely not weird that I wanted to keep doing it.
Right?
Motherfucker, I’m a mess.
I have to leave Cam in a hurry because whenever I’m around him, it’s unsettling. He has this magnetic pull that’s hard to resist, and I’ve never experienced it with another person. Even thinking that makes me feel guilty.
I like Laura. That’s never been an issue.
The respect I have for her is what’s held us together so long.
But do I love her enough to want to spend the rest of my life with her?
I know the answer to that. It’s been at the front of my mind for a while now, prompting my daydreams of us breaking up for real.
And the relief that hits me in those moments …
quickly comes crashing down when I realize that if we break up, I have to tell people.
And what would I say? That after eightish years I’ve decided it’s not working? That’s a long time to get my act together.
How the hell do I explain that I’m not sure what love is supposed to be? That I’m worried I can’t love at all.
Mom would freak the hell out.
I don’t care about who people are attracted to, but the thought of not being attracted to anyone terrifies me. I like being in a relationship. I like having that other person. A partner.
Laura and I are compatible. We’re both relaxed in our relationship; neither of us pushes for anything more than what it is. There’s no excitement, but there’s stability, and that’s more important, right?
I can almost convince myself of that until I remember touching Cam’s face.
The tingles, the nostalgia.
I rub my hair in frustration and remind myself it doesn’t matter. I’m with Laura, and I can’t see that ever changing.
I’m not paying attention to where I’m going until I’m almost at my booth, and when I pull out of my thoughts, I notice a familiar figure up ahead.
Tanner’s wearing his fire department polo, having just come from fire truck rides or hose demonstrations or whatever, and he laughs as he watches the people on the dunk tank.
Nerves kick me in the gut. I’ve managed to avoid him for the better part of six months, and the more time that passes, the harder it’s been to face him.
Tanner is a great guy. And I was a dick.
I shouldn’t have put my issues on him, I’m still embarrassed about how I behaved, and I still have no answers for him, but I desperately want this whole thing behind us. We’ve been friends for too long.
Maybe it’s the boost I got from being around Cam, or maybe I just need someone, but I force myself to approach him.
“Umm … hi.”
He doesn’t say anything, and I’m low-key waiting to see if he hits me. He wouldn’t—he’s too nice for that—but it doesn’t stop me from expecting it.
So when Tanner steps forward, I automatically flinch … until his arms close around me.
“This is dumb,” he says, hauling me in tight. “So dumb and I hate it, and it needs to end, Rafe.”
Tension bleeds from me, and I return the hug.
I haven’t even apologized yet, and Tanner’s already put it behind him.
Of course he has. Tanner’s the type of good guy you only ever meet once in a lifetime, but even I’m surprised at how quickly he’s forgiven me.
That said, I need to say the actual words. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I know.”
Relief courses through me. We’re quiet for a moment before I take a step back.
“Really though. What I said …” I know why I lost my shit when he told us about him and Royce.
Even as the words were coming out, I knew how unfair they were to him, but the whole situation felt like a kick in the teeth.
I can barely remember exactly what I said; all that’s stuck with me is the overwhelming feeling of drowning.
And since Tanner and Royce got together, Circus and Rowan have become a couple, and now Leon’s even found himself a boyfriend.
Love is goddamn everywhere.
Every time I’ve wanted to say something, I’m hit with another reminder that I’m different. That I might never have what my friends have. And it sucks.
Still, that’s not Tanner’s fault.
I clear my throat and try to work out what to say. My apology is long overdue. He gets in first though.
“Roo said to make you come to me. He said it’s not my job to fix things—”
“He’s right.”
Tanner holds up a hand. “I know. But when I was mad about it, he also said that your issue wasn’t with me and that he thought you might have been struggling with something.
So yeah, you were a dick, but it’s not in me to let my friends struggle alone.
It was so hard to give you your time … I missed you. ”
I exhale loudly. “I don’t deserve you as a friend.”
“What happened that night?”
And that’s the question I’ve been hoping to avoid.
There are a lot of people around, and while none of them are paying us attention, I also don’t want to be overheard. I have no idea what I’m supposed to say, or even how much to tell him, but I need to talk out my thoughts, and if there’s going to be anyone who won’t judge me, it’s Tanner.
I nod toward the backs of the booths, and he follows me. “I’m confused.”
“About?”
“A lot, actually. And I’ve never told anyone this before, so I need you to promise you won’t repeat it.”
“I can’t. I tell Roo everything.”
Of course he does. How didn’t I see those two coming? “Fine, you can tell him as long as it doesn’t go past the two of you.”
“Of course. Is everything okay?”
Seeing the concern on his warm face drives home how stupid I’ve been to avoid him for so long.
“Nobody’s dying,” I say dryly.
“Rafe …”
“Sorry, I’m stalling. I don’t know how to get the words out.
I’ve never said any of this out loud, and if it’s confusing in my head, how the hell do I explain it without sounding stupid?
” My throat feels thick as I weigh up how much to tell him.
“I was jealous.” That part is easy. “At how easy it was for you. You ignored what everyone expected from you, figured out what you wanted, and went for it. I really thought you’d end up with Piper. ”
His forehead wrinkles. “Piper?”
“Yeah. I mean, don’t you feel it? The pressure? I swear every day I’m reminded of the fact that Laura and I need to get engaged. Then married. Then have kids. Like, what the fuck …” My voice has gone borderline hysterical as I think of setting all that in motion. It’s … it’s too much.
Tanner shifts. “Do you not want to?”
“I …” And this is the part I’ve literally never said to anyone. “I don’t think so.”
“Well, umm …” He looks around like he’s hoping Royce will show up and help him out. “You guys don’t have to do any of those things. Loads of people don’t get married and are happy.”
“And what if I’m not happy?”
He doesn’t answer right away. “W-what do you mean?”
What do I mean? Can I tell Tanner that I want to break up, but I don’t know how to do it and make it stick this time?
Do I tell him I’m terrified of never being in love the way he clearly is?
I can’t tell him I feel broken. That I’m a twenty-four-year-old man who’s never had fulfilling sex and isn’t even sure he wants it.
I can’t tell him I’m worried that I’ll never have what he and Royce do.
“I’ve spent the last six months trying to work out what I feel. Trying to pinpoint the panic that hit me when you told us you were with Royce and … I’m not sure Laura and I are right for each other.”
“Wow.” He’s quiet for a moment as that sinks in. “What are you going to do?”
I laugh, but there’s no humor behind it. “Is there anything I can do? We both know how many times Laura and I have broken up and gotten back together again. I don’t think I—or Laura—know what to do without the other person there.”
“If it’s not right, it’s not right. I can’t imagine not being with Roo.”
“How did you … how did you work out that you wanted more than friends? You’ve always denied it, and then suddenly you’re okay with a relationship? It felt so sudden to me.”
“It wasn’t, not really. When he left to go back to Australia, I knew he had to, but I literally made myself physically sick over the thought of him being gone.
And the whole time he was away, it always felt like there was something missing.
” His lips turn up a little. “But when he came back, everything was better. I was functioning at one hundred percent, and the thought of him leaving again was agony.” He chuckles.
“It sounds so stupid, but if he’d gone, I wouldn’t have gotten through it.
Roo’s my everything. I need him. And he needs me. ”
“I’ve never had that.”
“Look, I love Laura. I’ve known her as long as I’ve known you, but … if you need somewhere to stay, or you need help, let me know. Everyone should find their Roo.”
I nudge him, unable to believe how quickly things are back to normal. “You’re way too sappy, but thanks.”
“Completely unashamed to be.”
I’m about to respond when the sound of my name being called floats over the crowd.
“Rafael Ortega!”
I don’t need to look to know exactly who it is.
“Is that Cam?” Tanner asks, face scrunched up like it will help him hear better.
“Unfortunately, I think you’re right.”
We head back around the front, and there’s Campbell, standing beside his stupid dunk tank, hands cupped around his mouth, backward cap holding down his wayward hair. “Come out and play, Rafe!”
I march over to him. “What are you doing?”
“Giving you a chance to raise some money.”
“We’re raising plenty, but thanks for the concern.”
His trademark smirk takes over his face. “Then you’d be open to a little friendly competition.”
“Aren’t we getting too old for your games?” But just like when he’d mentioned me biting my nails, him challenging me sets off this weird stirring in my chest.
“You used to be fun.”
“And you used to be a whole lot less transparent when you were goading me.”
“Nah.” He pinches my chin gently. “You were just a dumbass back then and didn’t pick up on it.”