Untitled
P R E S E N T
T I M E
“Good morning, Sienna.”
I was jolted awake by the sound of my name being called.
Lifting my head from Jahad’s chest, I peeled my eyes opened and looked over at the doctor, standing at the foot of his bed in her black coat.
“Have you thought about our talk?”
Slowly, I looked away from her and laid back down.
No, I hadn’t given what we discussed any thought. I hadn’t been able to think about anything but him and not in the way they wanted me to think about him. I just wanted my husband to come back to me. I was a logical woman. Had attended university. Had my degree in medicine, just as she did. I was smart. I knew Jahad was slipping away from me. I knew the likelihood of a reversal was very slim. He’d been on life support for—I shifted my eyes over at the digidate on the wall—three hundred and seventy three days. However, statistics didn’t worry me. The seven bullets he took didn’t worry me neither. I... I couldn’t feel him .
Today... on my bloomday... I could feel him less than I could feel him just hours prior. He was slipping. Faster today than ever before. I knew I needed to prepare. I knew I needed to let go. But, I really, truly, did not want to. I wasn’t ready. Couldn’t imagine ever being ready.
“Si—
“Please, Nay,” I interrupted. “ Please . I just... I just need a little time.”
Naoki sighed, hung her head and looked over her shoulder at the closed door. My best friend was Jahad’s doctor. It was a bit unethical, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Naoki was one of the best trauma surgeons in the country. For the most part, she tried to remain professional but caring for him—for us —it was hard.
The talk we had the other day was about preparation for after. After for me was discharging my husband and preparing a homecare plan. Because she saw things I didn’t, after for her was moving me in with her and her husband, his brother, Saint.
“Si, time is something... we don’t have much time left,” she struggled, with a sigh as she approached the bed. “Tonight might.... His heart is?—”
“ I know ,” I interrupted with a painful groan. “I can feel him leaving me, Nay-Nay,” I whimpered, with my head pressed against his chest as tears poured from my eyes.
His heart didn’t beat the same. I listened enough to notice subtle changes. Didn’t have to count the beats to notice when something was off. Just... knew the way it sounded. Memorized the tempo, like my favorite tune. For fifteen years, I listened to it. Every night. Of course, I knew what it sounded like. Of course I could tell when something was wrong.
I grew attached to him. We grew attached to each other. Painfully attached. Unhealthily attached. So... when this happened... when he was hurt... it shook me. It ripped me to shreds. Crippled me. I—I couldn’t go on. I didn’t leave this bed for days before I was convinced to shower and eat. I didn’t want to let him go. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do without him. This was different from going to school. This was different from going to work. This was different from business trips and girl trips. This... this was very, very different. This was final.
He said he would always be a call away. He always had been. And when calls and videos weren’t enough, and the pull urged us to meet in the middle, we did. Where was the pull now? Hm? Where was he now? I couldn’t... I couldn’t feel him. He—this wasn’t supposed to happen. Not yet. Not like this. We were supposed to have children. We were supposed to grow old together.
He was supposed to leave the business to Blaise. But because he was devoted to her... loyal to her... his mother, when she begged him to wait another year, he listened. And because I understood his reason, I said okay. I said okay even though I didn’t want to. I shouldn’t have. I... had I said something. Had I spoken up, he would be okay. But he knew how I felt about it. He had to know. Jahad... he always knew. He just... he always had to take care of the family. But what about me? What about us? We were supposed to live happily ever after... together. The story was supposed to end with us.
“Do you want me to?—”
“I just want us to be left alone. No visitors. No bloomday wishes. Nothing ,” I interrupted... again.
I was a nice person. A sweetheart, really. But now, my heart was broken. I didn’t have an inkling of sweetness left inside of me. I was... empty. I didn’t know what would become of me. I didn’t know who I was without that... spark. Without that... pull. I couldn’t remember life without it. I was eight when I first felt it. Can you remember what your life was like before age eight? I didn’t have a personality then. I was just a kid. I didn’t know... who would I be? How would I be? How would it be to never feel him again?
A second later, I felt Naoki’s warm lips touch my cheek. “Okay, Si. I love you.”
“Love you too,” I mumbled, gripping his hospital gown.
Once she walked out of the room, I let out a gut-wrenching cry.
“Why didn’t you take me with you? You said you would never leave me.”
I was losing my mind. Losing him was breaking me in inexplicable ways. We were supposed to go together. Somehow, someway, that was supposed to happen for us. As unrealistic as it might sound, it didn’t seem impossible for me.
I was born on Cosmo Day. I was magic. I was special. Wasn’t I?
I didn’t feel that way.
This didn’t feel like magic.
This felt like a curse.
To experience that, with him, and then to lose it? I thought I was special.
I thought what we had was special. I thought it was because I was born on Cosmo Day. I really did think I was magic. After I embraced him. After I accepted what was. That we were for one another. That with him, time stood still. And that he could make me levitate. And that with him, I felt electricity. Because of the cosmos. Because they were perfectly aligned and shot across the sky when I was born. Because I was magic. Now what? What was I now? Who would I be? What would I be... without him?
“Attention family, friends, and patients…” announced the young woman over the hospital intercom. “The Cosmo Show is starting in about fifteen minutes. We’ve been lucky enough to be stationed with one of the best views in all of Dream City. Today is a day of magic; let magic reign on Arcadia General.”
Magic probably would reign on Arcadia General, but it wouldn’t reign on him. It wouldn’t reign on us. I believed in magic... We were magic. But that had nothing to do with this . My ego... this big ol’ ego I had from being a Cosmo Baby... it told me I could do anything. I thought I could bring him back. Thought we were magic enough to pull it off. But my ego lied. I couldn’t fix this. I couldn’t bring him back. Jahad was ready to go.
“You’re strong,” I whispered, as I brushed the pad of my thumb over his dry lips. “So got damn strong.” I gasped and swallowed the lump in my throat.
This was bigger than just me. Hell, it was bigger than us. He fought for as long as he could. And, so did I. I—I had to let him go. I had to give him permission. I had to tell him he could go. He wouldn’t let go unless I told him he could. He was like that. Selfless. And I was the same with him.
I took in a deep breath and stared at him. I caressed the top of his head, running my fingers through his unruly, thick coily mane. He hadn’t had a cut in over a year. Jahad stayed with a fresh cut—never missed his weekly appointments. The hair looked good on him, though. I smiled through my tears, as I brushed my thumbs over both his thick eyebrows, admiring them as well. I’d miss them. They complimented him very well. They were their thickest, untamed as usual. Slowly, I traveled over his eyes. Didn’t stay there long. It was hard to admire them closed. I loved his eyes the most. I closed my eyes and remembered lying beside him, like this... staring into his mesmerizing browns, lost... soaring in the beautiful, mystifying hues that painted our nighttime sky, boundless, outside of time, free... without gravity.
I gripped his hand and felt a twitch in his.
I didn’t let that excite me. Would have if I didn’t have a degree in medicine. It was the myoclonus. The timing sure was impeccable. Because I was in love... and because I was a hopeless romantic, I wanted to believe that today played a role in the timing. I chose to believe he heard me. I sighed and my lids failed me as the tears I cried poured from behind them. I didn’t bother to open my eyes again. Decided I’d rather remember him this way. In a memory instead. He was beautiful this way. We were beautiful this way. Nothing could touch us here. Nothing could take this away from me.
I inhaled.
Brought his flaccid hand up to my lips and kissed his knuckles.
I didn’t know what I would do without him.
Literally hadn’t a single clue.
Didn’t know who I was without him. Didn’t know who I would become. But what I did know was that I didn’t like who I had become in holding on to him. I didn’t want to hold on to him anymore. He was struggling here. Fighting because of me. Fighting because I wasn’t ready. I needed to free him, despite how much freeing him would hurt me.
“You can let go, my love,” I whispered, my lips brushing against his earlobe as I caressed his thick, scruffy beard.
The minute I said it, fear rushed through my entire being and I pressed my body against his. Had to because tomorrow, I wouldn’t be able to. Lightly, I held his face and kissed his cheek because when tomorrow came, there would be no cheek for me to kiss. Then, I kissed his lips, his forehead, his nose and then his lips again. I let them linger there a while
I was petrified. Had never been so afraid of anything in my life. But, it was okay. I would be okay. Eventually. What other choice did I have?
Finally, I opened my eyes, exhaled, and just... laid there. With my body completely against his, I stared at the side of his face, wishing there was nothing in between us. I needed to feel him. Not just that pull—I knew that was over. I needed to feel the warmth of his skin. His arms wrapped around me. His lips on my forehead. I needed... more ... More of everything. But, what I had, was what I had, so I had no other choice but to be okay with that. Acceptance... it wasn’t easy.
Instead of complaining... instead of begging, and wishing, and hoping for a miracle that would never come, I waited. Waited for him to let go. Waited for that fading energy to dissipate. Waited for him to pull... away . He did, but it wasn’t instantaneous. It was gradual. He was resisting, not because he didn’t want to let go, but because he was worried about me. I knew because I knew him.
“It’s okay,” I told him, as I caressed his face. “I’ll—I’ll be okay, my love.”
Would I be? Not today. Eventually I would be. I had to be. Couldn’t imagine feeling this for the rest of my life. Tomorrow, there would be tears. Buckets of them. The day after that, the day after, and probably for three hundred and seventy three days in a row, too. Enough to fill an ocean. But eventually... I would be okay.
“I love you, Jahad,” I cried, as I felt what was left of him finally fade away.
It didn’t take long for the nothingness to greet me. There was very little left in him, before. Almost a second after I told him I loved him, he was gone. His heart kept beating but what was left of Jahad? The soul of him? What made him, him? Was completely gone. Felt like when he left, he took a big chunk of me with him. I wasn’t surprised. That was the only thing about ‘after’ that I was sure about.
I felt hallow.
Like something was missing.
Because something was missing.
There was a place inside of my heart where he belonged. What would I do with it? What would fill it now?
I turned over on my side, and slowly swung my legs over to stand. I was numb. Felt like my head was in the clouds. But not in the way that it used to feel when I was ‘there’ with him. With him... it was magical. This... it felt.. scary. Like a disconnection. Like I was someone else. Like I was experiencing someone else’s life. Because huh? This couldn’t be my life, right? I...
I looked over my shoulder with pinched brows, head cocked to the side, in disbelief. He left? He was... gone? Wow. I couldn’t feel that pu—where was it? I always felt a pull. Jahad... pulled me.
It’s funny. There was this boy that pulled me when I was eight. I was in the backseat of the car. Me and my family had just left The Big Store and...
He always pulled me. I shuddered, looked away from him, wrapped my arms around my body, and rocked back and forth.
“It’s okay. It’s okay,” I mumbled as tears poured from my eyes. “I’m going to be okay.”
Would I be? I was so fucking sad. So got damn lost. So fucking empty. What in the... What would I do without him? I—I needed him. Didn’t he know that? I?—
“Attention, family and friends! We’re at the five minute mark!” Announced the young lady over the intercom again . “ Get in position! If you’re on the west wing, you’re in for a real treat!”
I couldn’t move.
I stopped rocking. Just... sat there, staring off into the darkness with my head over to the side, listening as the alert on Jahad’s monitor began to sound. His heart rate was declining.
The real show starts now.
With dipped brows, I looked over my shoulder at him and averted my eyes over at the monitor. Fifty beats per minute. Quickly, I looked away and got a glimpse of the moon. Yesterday, Hazel drew the shades. Left them open so I had the perfect view of it. And God was it beautiful. Jahad’s room was on the west wing, and the moon was positioned right outside of his window. It was so big... so bright. Mystical.
The real star of the show. I felt compelled to stand. Slowly, I walked over to the window. With my arms wrapped around my body, I stared out at it. Today was supposed to be magic. Something special was supposed to happen. Jahad was supposed to come back to me. It was Cosmo Day. Beautiful things happened on Cosmo Day, right? Why did he leave me then? Hm?
Tears streamed down the sides of my face, as I watched the moon turn its bluest. And when it glowed for that second that felt like minutes, I felt him . Electricity and that pull at once. The tips of my fingers on my right hand tingled before my hand was filled with them.
I gasped, placed my left hand on my heart and closed my eyes.
Privilege.
Was I hallucinating? Absolutely not.
I experienced true, unwavering, divine love, in its purest form with a man created by God, for me. We defied gravity. We stood outside of time. We were magnetic. Our love was destined. Boundless, even. Not even death could separate us. Our souls were interlinked, eternally tied. And if a person had yet to experience that, they would call it hallucination but because I could feel, I knew it was him. I heard him... clear as day. But it wasn’t about what I heard. Because I could hear him coding and hospital staff rushing in to save him behind me, too. It was about what I felt. And my God, I could feel him. I could feel Jahad as if he was standing right beside me. And while it might’ve been a little different, I could feel him as if he hadn’t left me at all... Immensely. Soul deep.
I wanted him to come back to me. Begged him to. He did.
Wanted to feel him again. I could.
Searched for that pull. Felt lost without it. Thought that after today I’d never feel him again. But I was wrong. I could feel him everywhere. All over. In my heart the most.
Today didn’t go the way I wanted it to. It went the way it had to.
And it was magic still.
I’ll never let go.
“Me neither,” I whispered.