Chapter 4 Kieran #2
I could see the unnatural way her arm twisted beneath her, the deep gash along her forehead where blood spilled freely, too much, seeping into her hair, pooling beneath her skull. A violent contrast against the pale skin I had kissed just hours before.
When I scooped her limp body up in my arms, all I could do was cradle her to my chest. I needed to feel her even if she was leaving me in that moment.
The warmth of her blood trickled down my arms, seeping into my clothes.
Sobs began to wrack through me as I gently pressed my forehead to hers, reciting a word that held so much meaning to both of us.
Nevermore.
The feeling of her slipping away felt all too real, all too familiar. It jolted me back to ten years ago when I lost Alexis. I didn’t do anything to save her then.
I could now.
She needed me.
Footsteps were nearing the stairwell as I gently lay her flat on her back.
Leaning over her, my hands trembled as I brushed her blood-matted hair back from her face.
Her lips were parted, smudged red. Her lashes fluttered, just barely.
A tiny sound escaped her throat, a strangled, pained gasp, and I nearly shattered.
I knew that sound. The sound of the last breath leaving someone’s body.
“Deirdre.” My voice cracked. “I’m here, love. I’m right here.”
No response.
I swallowed back the panic rising in my chest. Not now. I pressed two fingers against her neck, searching for the pulse beneath her skin.
Nothing.
No. No, no, no.
This wasn’t happening.
Another student burst through the doors of the stairwell and looked down in horror.
“Call 911!” I screamed as I tilted her chin back, bent low over her, and listened for her breath.
For anything.
Silence.
A choking sound clawed its way out of my throat, but I forced it down, pushed past it, because this wasn’t it.
I wasn’t losing her.
I forced my hands into motion, lacing my fingers together and pressing them against the center of her chest. Her heart was still beneath my palms.
I brace myself for what I know I have to do, the sound I’m about to hear.
Cracking her delicate chest.
Thirty compressions.
I counted in my head, pushing hard, fast, steady. I’d learned CPR years ago, but everything felt wrong, like my hands weren’t working, like the seconds were slipping away too quickly.
I tilted her head back again, pinched her nose, sealed my mouth over hers, and breathed.
Her lips were still warm.
One breath. Two.
Back to compressions. I pushed harder, as if I could force her heart to beat, as if I could demand her to wake up, just like she had demanded me to wake up, to feel, to love.
Don’t you dare leave me.
“Come back to me, Deirdre,” I begged.
I felt my throat tighten. My vision blurred. No. I blinked rapidly, kept pushing, kept breathing for her, because I would not let this be the end.
I would not let this be the last time I touched her.
A strangled noise broke the silence.
A weak, shuddering gasp.
Then another.
Her chest lifted beneath my hands, then fell, then lifted again, and I sucked in a quick breath, nearly falling over her as I cupped her face, pressing my forehead to hers, whispering, “That’s it, love. Keep breathing for me.”
The shriek of sirens split the air.
Footsteps pounded toward us.
I remember blindly standing up as hands pulled me away.
Voices shouting orders, people crowding around, blocking her from my sight.
I fought them. I didn’t want to let go, I couldn’t let go, but strong arms restrained me as I watched them work.
They lifted her onto the stretcher, and as they were watching the monitor, I recognized the fear in the EMT’s eyes.
Her heart had stopped once more. They efficiently began to work on her again as I stood there frozen.
After the second set of compressions, the lines on the monitor fluttered again, before they took her away from me, lifting the stretcher and placing it on the gurney.
Her body was so small, so still.
They quickly wheeled her down the hall, as students gathered after noticing the commotion, and through the double doors of the elevators. After placing her into the ambulance, they raced toward New Haven General, the flashing of red and blue lights blurring my vision.
I stood there, covered in her blood, my chest rising and falling in quick, erratic gasps.
And for the first time in my life, I prayed.
Shaking my head, I pull myself back to the present.
Stay with me, Deirdre. Please.
I swallow the hard knot in my throat. My heart is slamming against my ribs.
The hospital exit looms ahead, and I swerve into the lane. The tires of my car screech slightly as I take the turn too fast. Horns blare behind me, but I press on. Every second I waste on this road is another second stolen from her.
I veer into the parking lot and jerk the car into the closest available spot. I shut the engine off and throw open the driver’s side door. My shoes hit the pavement hard as I take off toward the entrance.
I don’t stop as I race past the admissions desk. I can barely breathe.
I just run.