Chapter 43 #2
My temperature climbs at least three degrees. I’m used to everyone joking, but this hits on a different level, like pouring gasoline on a barely burning flame. A dream. A hope. A goal.
Something that didn’t even exist until recently.
“Christ. Can you all please get your shit together? I’ve held a fucking baby before.”
“But you look so good doing it, babe,” Jordan says, bringing her lips to mine.
She called me babe.
Jordan hasn’t called me that in almost eight years.
A corner of my mouth kicks up.
They’re all laughing and talking.
I don’t hear a single word. I look at Jordan, then at Roman, then back at Jordan.
The first baby I ever held was Cole, and Jordan was right there beside me.
My heart squeezes tight in my chest, aching like it’s trying to tell me something I’ve been ignoring for too damn long.
If this is really what she wants—if this is even a fraction of what it would feel like—I’d give her all the babies she wants to have.
Jensen wanders into the waiting room. “She’s done feeding the baby. I’m gonna grab a coffee.”
“I think I’ll come with you, if you don’t mind,” Jordan says as she stands. “You wanna come, babe?”
There it is again.
I give her a smile. “Nah. I’ll go hang with Alley and the baby before we leave.”
We’ve been here most of the day. Megan and Kevin left about an hour ago. They’re staying at a hotel nearby. Jensen’s parents were here earlier; they came the second Alley went into labor. Then her brother and dad stopped by.
I’m sure they’re exhausted and ready to be left alone.
“Alright. Be back soon,” Jordan says, turning to meet Jensen.
I watch them walk down the hall until they disappear around the corner, then make the short walk back to Alley’s room.
A few minutes later, I’m back at her bedside.
“What do you need, Al?”
“Nothing,” she says. “Just sit and hang out with me. God, you’re like my dad. Always hovering. You’re a hoverer.”
“Fine.” I pull a chair up to the bed and sit. “Better not ask me for a damn thing.”
I grab her water bottle and scoot it just far enough that she can’t reach it.
She laughs. “Has anyone ever told you what a dick you are?”
I grin. “Every day.”
I push her water back to where it was.
“So…” she says, trailing off, brow raised like I’m supposed to just fill in the blank.
“So?”
She rolls her eyes. “Come on. Don’t pull that shit with me. I’m not Megan.”
“I know you’re not,” I say. “Doesn’t mean I know what you’re thinking.”
“I’m thinking…” She smiles softly. “That you look happier than I’ve ever seen you.”
I lift a brow, not saying anything while she quietly assesses.
“But you also seem… I don’t know… something else. Hesitant? Conflicted?”
Jesus. It’s like she has a magnifying glass to my thoughts.
She shakes her head. “Never mind. Sorry. You look really happy. Have you guys talked about what you’ll do after the final hearing?”
I start to shrug, tell her I don’t know—steer the conversation in a different direction.
But I stop myself.
This is Alley.
We lean on each other. Not like I do with Jensen or Megan.
It’s the kind of bond you get from watching someone you love throw everything away for drugs, and being the only two people who know. The kind of fear that takes over every rational decision because you care that much.
Alley isn’t just like a sister to me. She was the one person I could talk to when Jensen was deep in his addiction. And I was hers when she almost lost her husband.
I look at her, that sweet smile, the hope in her eyes for me, the dark circles and messy hair from giving birth today.
Christ.
She’s a rockstar.
And then I picture Jordan again, holding Roman.
Emotion hits me so fast I don’t even have time to stop it. My eyes sting with tears and I know she can see it.
“Can I tell you something?” I finally say, voice thick.
“Of course you can.”
“I’ve always felt good about the things I’ve earned,” I say. “Not in an entitled way. Just… I worked my ass off for my life. I deserve it.”
Alley watches me, quiet.
“But now?” I let out a breath that feels like it’s been trapped in my chest for the last few hours. “Now it feels like everything I want actually matters. And that’s new for me.”
Her brows knit together.
“Jordan. Cole. I spent a long time not wanting any of this. And it’s the first time I’ve ever wanted anything more than just her. A family. A house. Dogs. Kids. The whole thing.” I scrub a hand over my face. “But God… I don’t know if I deserve all that.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Fuck,” I mutter. “I’ve slept with so many women.” I bring my gaze back to her. “I’ve wasted so much time. And what do I do when Cole’s old enough to learn about my past? Because I know he will. All you have to do is one Google search.”
My throat tightens. “I don’t want to lose Cole. Or her. I don’t want to screw this up. I want to give Jordan the life she’s always wanted, and I’m scared shitless that I’m going to wake up in five weeks and everything that matters to me will be gone.”
“Matt…” she says softly.
I look at her, my eyes burning—this close to losing it. “I’m so in love with her, Al.” I huff out a laugh. “And if you ever tell Jensen I said that, I’ll deny it until the day I fucking die.”
Her eyes glisten and she lets out a quiet laugh. “Dammit. Don’t make me cry. I’m hormonal and tired.” She swipes a finger under her eyes. “You know Jensen already knows you love Jordan. We all do. It’s one of the first things he told me when I met you.”
“I know. But I’m still not admitting it to him.”
She shifts Roman in her arms, bringing him to the other side, then looks at me. “Do you really think one court decision gets to decide whether you deserve the life you want with her? That’s a dangerous place to put your heart, Matt.”
I shrug. “I know… but everything I want relies on that one decision and her staying married to me. On her choosing me, regardless of the outcome with Cole.” I pause, rubbing a hand over the scruff on my chin as the reality of the past sinks in.
“And she always leaves, Al. I’m almost afraid to get too attached.
I keep telling myself to prepare for the worst.”
She stares at me for a beat, then exhales.
“You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learned after everything I’ve been through with Jensen, it’s how important trust and communication are.
Things will never work out between you two if you can’t trust her with your heart.
You either give it to her completely, or you walk away and be done.
You’ve both lived in this limbo for so long—the back and forth…
” She shakes her head. “You both love each other. What else matters?”
I’m about to respond when the door opens, and Jensen and Jordan’s laughter spills into the room.
I gather myself and stand, giving Alley a small smile.
I meet Jordan’s gaze. “You ready to go, babe?”
“Sure. Let me just see this baby one last time.”
She makes her way over to Alley. “Bye, Alley.” She gives her a hug, then gently runs her hand over Roman’s head. “Bye, sweet boy.”
She looks back at Jensen with a grin. “You two did good. You make cute babies.”
I slap Jensen on the back. “What she said,” I say. “Love you, man. You two get some rest.”
“Love you too, brother. Thanks for coming,” Jensen says.
Then I walk over to Alley and bend over the hospital bed, giving her a hug. “Thanks for the chat,” I say quietly.
“Anytime,” she says with a soft grin.
I kiss the top of her head. “Love you.”
“Love you, too,” she says back.
I take a few steps back and reach for Jordan’s hand. She smiles and weaves her fingers through mine as we step out into the hall.
Today has been long, exhausting, and eye-opening.
I glance at Jordan as we make our way down the hall, hand in hand. A deep calm washes over me. One of those moments where you catch a glimpse of the future without fully understanding it, but you feel it anyway. And it feels good.
Maybe this time I just need to trust it. Trust her.
Whatever the hell that looks like.