28. Marley
28
MARLEY
B eau whips his eyes to mine, wide with shock.
“You’re pregnant?” About seven voices shriek, laughter and screams of joy bursting through the room. Beau is shoved aside as arms wrap around my shoulders, bundling me in tight hugs. I don’t even know who’s hugging me, but based on the perfume, I can tell my mom is somewhere in there.
Pulling away from the hug, I’m met with the watery eyes of both my mom, and the woman who has always been my bonus mom, Nikki. “Yeah,” I murmur through tears. “ About eleven weeks.”
“Oh, sweetie!” Mom cries, her joy sending waves of happiness straight through my heart. I haven’t really given myself space to feel happy about the pregnancy yet, too afraid of others' reactions, too afraid to feel at all. “When did you find out? How? Who?” Her eyes flick back and forth across my face, as if I’ll be able to reveal all the answers within a second.
Josie’s next, but she’s not questioning, because she knows. “Oh my god,” she says, her voice high, and full of realization.
“Yeah,” I reply. I step backwards, giving Beau a moment to step closer to me again.
“We’re having twins,” Beau says, and another round of shrieks fill the room. I can’t help but laugh, the pure joy of my loved ones something I never expected.
“It’s about time,” Gramps calls from across the table, scooping another bite of potatoes into his mouth. “Congratulations kiddos, I always knew you’d end up together.”
“Oh,” I start to correct him but Beau pinches my side. “Ow!” I swat at his arm.
“Don’t,” he threatens, not really menacingly, but I can tell he doesn’t want to open that can of worms right now.
The questions continue, but Beau leads me over to our seats at the table. I eye my plate carefully, my stomach still uneasy. An almost awkward silence descends on the table, and I can tell everyone has about a million questions they want to ask us.
Beau, thankfully, is the one to speak first. “We are taking things slow, focusing on keeping Marley and the babies healthy right now. She’s due June 21st, but the doctor says it will more than likely be earlier.”
My mother clasps her hand over her mouth, emotion raw on her face. My dad hasn’t said a word, but the wide, giddy smile on his face is enough to know how he’s feeling. I look around the room at these people, my family, and I simply can’t wait for our babies to be a part of this.
“So…” Josie slyly pulls me aside after dinner, hiding us away in one of the guest bedrooms. “No wonder you’ve been acting so weird lately.”
I shrug. “Things have been… interesting, to say the least.” Almost unconsciously, I rest my hand on my still flat stomach. Josie’s eyes track the movement, the soft smile on her face growing wider.
“How did it happen?” she asks, sitting down on the full size bed in the room. She pats the empty spot next to her and I sit, resting my head on her shoulder as she wraps me in her embrace.
“Well, Josie, when a man and a woman…” I trail off, teasing her.
“You little shit,” she says, flicking my forehead.
“Hey! That hurt!” I cry.
“I’m sitting on pins and needles over here, Mar.”
“Fine,” I grumble, not all that upset. “It happened the night of your wedding. We danced together, and things escalated.”
“I need more details, girl. I’ve been waiting for this for you two to get together for over a year now, and when it finally happens, you don’t even tell me!”
I wince, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry. I just… I’m so scared,” I mumble, turning my face into her chest as she hugs me tighter.
“Marley,” Josie says, rubbing my back. “I’m sorry, I’m just teasing you. I mean, it’s Beau . You two are meant for each other.”
“And that’s exactly why I can’t let myself go too far with him,” I say, letting myself sink into her. “One of us needs to stay level-headed. The stakes are higher than what they would be if it were just him and I, but now I… we have two babies to worry about. I’m trying to focus on being the best mom for our kids, and right now, that means co-parenting with him instead of dating him.”
Josie squeezes me softly. “I get it, and I will only say this once. You and Beau have a history. You know each other. Regardless of the fact that you’re pregnant, that man is in one hundred percent. He is ready to start a life with you, and I think if you give in to your heart, you would never regret it.”
My mind strays as I sink into my best friend’s embrace, letting her words comfort me. I know that what she’s saying is more than likely true, and yet, I can’t let myself do it. I can’t put my guard down. Not now, and maybe not ever. Not after how he’s saved me. And I know I have to tell her why.
The memory floods me before I have a chance to stop it.
My professor hates me. I know he does, and yet, he doesn’t seem to care that I’m willing to put in the work, willing to do anything to be better.
Maybe things would be better if I just… quit. It’s not like I need a degree to be a photographer. I have the talent, Professor Johnson has told me that more than once. The business end of it though… I’m struggling. My classmate and friend, Kylie, is convinced that Professor Lee has it out for me. We even tested a theory and gave the same answers, just different wordings, for our most recent written assignment. I got a D+, while Kylie got a B-.
I know that I’m not great at explaining things in writing, but still. I know my work wasn’t that bad. Which brings me to my dilemma. Do I quit? Give up on it all? School, new friends, everything?
My chest sinks. I’m a failure. I’ve always been the failure of the family. Kenny and Prescott went on to do amazing things. My brothers never wanted anything to do with me, so it makes sense. I can’t even keep my weight down, steadily gaining constantly. I’m probably known around our small town as the fat member of the Bell family. The only true person, only one I trust with my whole being in my life is Beau, and he’s… drifting.
My traitorous brain tries to tell me he’s just friends with me out of obligation now. He’s made new friends at his university. Our conversations are shorter, more… awkward. I know I couldn’t have him forever, but stupidly, I thought I would.
Rubbing my finger over the tattoo we share, I lose the grip I had on my sense of reality. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be the failure everyone knows that I am. My fingernails dig into my skin, hard enough that they surely are breaking skin, but I don’t feel it. I’m going numb, blank. Empty.
My roommate, who also hates me, is out of town for the weekend, leaving me completely alone. I could just… disappear, and no one would know. At least not for a few days. My hands shake, the pain of my fingernails breaking skin slowly creeping to the surface. I drop my hands, gripping the blanket underneath me instead. I need to feel. I need something to pull me out of this.
My cellphone is on my nightstand, taunting me. Do I call someone? Call my mom and tell her it’s happening again? That this time I really need help?
This has happened before, but never this bad, and I’ve always been able to pull out of it. Beau has always been my constant, the person who can tell when I’m drowning on dry land. The one to know what I need before I need it.
It’s like he knows I need him. Because even though my brain is telling me that he hates me, that he is sick of me, my phone vibrates on the rickety wooden night stand, his name on my screen. Gasping, my body suddenly feeling everything, I burst into painful, soul burning sobs. I can’t catch my breath. Can’t focus on reaching out to grab the phone.
The vibrations stop for only a moment, before picking right back up as he calls again. With shaky hands, I reach out, sliding a finger across the screen to answer the call. I tap the button to turn on speaker.
“Hey, butterfly,” Beau’s voice fills my small room, and I choke out another sob, my tongue unable to form words right now. “Marley?” his voice is gruff, and I hear movement, the jangle of keys, and a door opening and closing.
“Beau,” I cry. “I need you.”
“I’m coming, Mar. Stay with me. I’ve got you.”
I sob, his voice grounding me more than I ever knew it could. He talks to me the entire forty-minute drive from his campus to mine, telling me stories about something stupid his brothers did as a prank. How Andrew is graduating next spring, and he’s probably going to take over the family woodcraft business. I listen, letting his voice keep me present, keep me here . I already knew everything he’s telling me, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t even realize it, but he’s saving me. Saving me from myself, from the harm that I was so willing to impart upon myself.
The minutes fly by as I listen to him talk, then the sudden silence of his car turning off, the pounding of his footsteps up to my second-floor dorm room. “I’m here. You gotta let me in, Mar.”
I fly off my bed, leaving my phone on the nightstand. Opening the door, I see the person— my person —in front of me. His brown hair is a mess, eyes terrified and blood shot. He’s in a pair of ratty pajama pants, ones he’s had since we were sophomores in high school, and a University of Minnesota tee.
His arms wrap around me in a second, and I collapse into his embrace, letting myself go fully. The feeling of safety in his arms is so unexpected, and so needed that I don’t feel anymore. I just… am. I’m with him, and I’m safe with him. He lifts me, my legs wrapping around his waist, arms around his shoulders as my head rests in the crook of his neck. His fingers grip my thighs tightly, like he’s afraid to let me go. Tears soak his skin, and he whispers soothing reassurances to me. He’s been to my dorm before, so he knows which side is mine. He sits down on my bed. My legs move from around his waist so I’m now straddling him, my knees against the firm mattress.
“What happened?” he asks, but I shake my head. I can’t, I can’t tell him yet, can’t tell him how much of a failure I am, how I always will be.
“Okay,” he murmurs into my hair. “I’m here, I’ve got you. I’ll pull you out.”
I sob harder at his reminder. The reminder of our tattoo. He will always be there to save me, I will never sink when I’m with him. He adjusts so we’re lying side-by-side. I’m settling now, crying into his chest with less emotion, because he’s here. He knew what I needed before I did. Yet again.
With stuttered gasps, I tell him what happened. How I let myself sink. I didn’t even give myself a chance. He gives me time to cry, to feel, and when I finally tire, I allow myself to fall asleep in his arms.
I’ll never forget the next morning. Beau woke me, and together, we called my parents. He stood by my side while I told them I was ready to give up, and that I needed help. I upped meds and therapy the next week. I will never be able to repay him for that, and that’s why I can’t lose him. I’ve already changed our relationship so much that if I make one misstep, I’m sure he will run out the door.
Josie lets out a stuttered breath as I finish telling her exactly why I’m so hesitant to move forward with him. “I can’t risk it, Josie,” I say, my own tears freely falling down my face. “I love him, I know I do, but he can’t always be there for me. He won’t always be there for me. That’s why I need to make sure I can do this on my own, no matter how hard it is. I can’t lose myself to my own mind anymore. Not if I don’t have him to fall into.”
“Oh, Marley,” she croons. “That boy is always going to love you. I know it’s hard for you to look past, but he’s never going to let you go. I think you both need to give up on this notion that you aren’t good for each other or that you would lose him if something went wrong, and just… fall headfirst into it. “
I nod into her chest. I need to try, for him. For us. I just don’t know how.