Chapter 38
RAWLEY
Do what you need to do, I said.
In the meantime, my heart feels like it’s in my throat.
I clench my hands around the steering wheel as I drive home.
Fuck. Fuck.
I can’t believe I actually let this happen.
Fallen again, when the woman in question made it clear she didn’t want more.
Fallen again, when all it leads to is “friendship.”
Fallen again, when I’m not good enough to win her heart.
My mind clicks through the worst possible question—why am I not good enough?
I fucking ache as I turn into my driveway.
Nothing fake at all about my pain.
I wish I’d never exposed myself to this. I knew better.
But it’s too late. Because, as is so fucking clear right now, I’ve fallen hard for the woman.
Obviously, dinner is off tonight. And I’m supposed to go to her game tomorrow night with Connor as a “public” appearance. How am I going to do that?
Although I guess if we’re on the path to ending our relationship, I can bail on that too.
Once I get to our house, I go straight to Connor’s bedroom and knock.
“Hey, bro, you here?”
“Yeah?” His voice is muffled through the door.
“Can you talk?”
His door opens. “Yeah.” His eyes pick up something on my face. “Didn’t go well?”
“Not at fucking all.”
“C’mon,” he says, leading us out to the living room, where we crash onto one of the big couches.
I break everything down for him, what Avery said and how I feel. Admitting the truth, because Connor probably knows it already.
“I liked her. For real.”
“I know, Rawls.”
He brings his hand to my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “It’s going to be okay. Maybe it’s a good thing she wants to start wrapping things up in the press, if she doesn’t reciprocate.”
The hardest part is that I think she does reciprocate my feelings, on some level.
But there’s nothing I can do about it if she won’t admit it. I can’t force her to break that fucking rule either.
We’re quiet for a minute, and then he checks his phone.
“I’m about to go to Tolliver again to work with Del one last time before I leave for New Jersey. Do you want to come with?”
I can’t resist finally pushing his buttons about what I observed last time.
“Will his daughter be there?”
And the damnedest thing happens.
Connor blushes.
Hell, I can’t remember a time when that’s happened. Mr. Stoic has red cheeks.
“No, she won’t,” he says slowly.
I’m too emotionally exhausted to push anymore, so I relent.
“Okay, yeah, I’ll go.”
It turns out Connor was wise to invite me. The drive with him, windows down, and then sweating my ass off doing sprints in the Florida heat—they help fortify my resolve despite my sadness and hurt.
Enough that later in the day, I take ownership of the situation.
I don’t need to put myself in a place that will rub the scab she just laid down.
Friends or not in the future, I owe it to myself to avoid more immediate hurt.
RAWLEY: Hey, I just want to say I’m not coming to your game this week.
A few minutes later, her response comes through.
AVERY: I understand.
AVERY: I really want to stay friends, Rawley. I’m here, whenever.
RAWLEY: Okay.
I swallow the tinge of pain from her “friends” comment and put my phone away.
I don’t write her again after that. Not that night. Not the next day.
Instead, I let hanging with my little brother and playing catch with Johnson kill the time. Distract me from the pain that I know will stay around awhile.
You’ve been through this multiple times, Rawls.
First with Stef, and then the two more times at Texas.
Just more of the same. “Friend-zoned.”
Nothing I can’t handle, even if I don’t want to.
By the day Connor leaves—the day before training camp starts—I wake up without immediately reaching for the phone to see if she’s texted to change her mind.
Time and space. It heals everything.
I hate that I have to heal. But I will.
Shortly after I clean up in the bathroom, I hear the front door open and Grover giving little barks at the new arrival.
“Hello?” comes Grace’s voice.
She and Johnson are here for Connor’s goodbye breakfast with all of us.
Rori and Landon also arrived late last night. As is becoming their rhythm, Rori’s going to hold things down for Landon at the house during training camp, practicing out of her Orlando facility instead of the Tampa one.
“Hey, I’m here,” I say, coming out of my room.
“Me too,” says Connor as he stacks another piece of luggage in front of the main door. “Landon and Rori are in the kitchen fixing the food.”
Grace glances toward me. “Uh oh, we probably should have insisted on Rawley taking that duty.”
Landon and Rori are notoriously bad cooks. “It’s eggs and bagels, they can’t mess it up too bad,” I say with a chuckle.
Fifteen minutes later we’re munching on the food while everyone focuses their attention on Connor.
“It’s been so awesome having you here this summer,” Grace says. “Soccer permitting, you need to do it again.”
Connor smiles at her, a genuine one. He drops his snark when it comes to Grace.
“So what’s your preseason like?” Johnson asks him. “Do you start right when you get back?”
Connor shakes his head. “No, not for a few weeks. But some of the guys and I will get together to practice pretty intensely. Get our chemistry charged.”
“That’s great.” Johnson nods. “Like we’ve been doing with our newest rookie here.” Everyone grins at me.
“And then our games run September through November,” Connor explains.
“Nice.”
“I wish we could come to one, Con,” Landon says with a pained expression. There's always been a shitty overlap between our football and soccer seasons.
“Ah, not a big deal,” Connor says dismissively. “I’m playing for fun at this point.”
My two older siblings share a look. We all know how disappointed he was last year when his US national team dreams faded.
“So, Rawls, how are things going with Avery?” Grace says, probably hoping to change the subject to a more positive one.
All ten eyes look at me, Connor’s carrying a mix of apology and caution.
“It’s…well, we may be slowing things down. Avery…she…” I don’t know how to put it yet because I don’t know what Taylor’s messaging to the public will be.
Connor rescues me. “Avery decided they’re better off as friends.” Typical blunt Connor. He says it softly, as if he doesn’t want to hurt me, but the words rub the raw spot in my gut just the same.
“Oh, Rawls, I’m so sorry,” Grace says, her face horrified, no doubt feeling bad she asked.
“It’s going to be fine,” I say in an exhale, a little of the recirculating hurt coming into my voice. “We’ll be friends. But nothing is public so keep it to yourselves if that’s okay.”
Landon looks like he’s dying to say the right thing, to fix it for me. “Of course.”
“She doesn’t know what she’s missing,” Rori adds, sounding irritated on my behalf.
“I’ll be okay.” I say it to reassure myself as much as them.
“I have that Triumph commercial shoot with her coming up this week,” Rori says. “You want me to be mean to her?”
Rori is a pretty chill person, but she’s also unafraid to speak her mind. I have no doubt her loyalty to my brother would cause her to ice Avery out if I asked.
“No, no need,” I say, though I note Connor is looking at Rori with appreciation. His answer probably would have been yes.
Grace gets out of her chair and stands behind mine, draping her arms over me in a half hug. “We love you, Rawls.”
The contact feels good; exactly what I need. “Thanks, Gracie.”
And then she whispers, “One day you’ll find the one you deserve.”
I hope so.