Chapter 10
Ten
T he drive gave me time to think and by the time I got home, I'd managed to regain a modicum of calm.
Tonight had been a stupid mistake. Why had I given into him like that? I was unable to answer my own question and that frightened me.
I opened the front door as quietly as possible so as not to wake Ryan. I tiptoed up the stairs and knocked lightly on Natalie's bedroom door. I went in without waiting for an answer and found her sitting up in bed, a book in her lap, duvet pulled up around her waist and hair up in a messy bun.
"Hey, how did it go?" she asked. I shut the door behind me, then flopped face down on her bed. "That good, huh?"
She shifted her book so I could lay my head in her lap. Her soft hands stroked my hair, soothing me. My gran had comforted me this way, in this very bedroom after my mum had died.
"I don't want to talk about it." I didn't want to burden her with my drama, but more than that, I was ashamed of what I'd done. "Tell me about your day."
"I got a date."
I shot up and swivelled to face her. "No! Really?"
Natalie hadn't had a serious relationship since Ryan was born. It had taken a while for her to confess that Ryan had been the result of an out-of-character one night stand with a handsome but nameless stranger at a party in Dublin. He’d disappeared into the night, never to be seen again.
By the time she found out she was pregnant, she had no way of tracking him down.
“Who is it?”
"One of the supply teachers at work. He's taking me out for lunch."
"What's he like?"
"Easy on the eye. Other than that I'm not sure yet.
It's been forever since I went on a date.
" She was nervous, I could see it in her eyes.
After you'd been repeatedly dumped on by the men in your life, inviting another one into it probably seemed like a stupid risk to take.
She managed just fine without a man, but she was lonely.
I was glad she was giving someone a chance.
"Have the lobster," I told her, because obviously I was the expert on men and dating.
"Why? I hate seafood." Natalie couldn't even stand it being in the house and she flatly refused to go near the fish aisle in the supermarket.
"I know, but that's just what people say when someone else is picking up the bill."
"And who says I'm gonna let him pick up the bill?"
"Whatever. You should still have the lobster, or the steak. You should have the steak."
"We'll see.” She was quiet for a moment. “I wish I didn’t feel so guilty about moving onto a new guy.”
“Because of Ryan's father?”
She nodded. “I’ve been trying again to find him even though I know it’s pointless.
What kind of a woman doesn’t even know the name of her child's father? I just search and search through my friends’ social media, hoping his face will turn up somewhere.
” She picked at a loose thread in the faded blue duvet cover.
I slipped my hand over hers. “You’ve tried your best to find him. Short of typing ‘hot Irish dude’ into Google I don’t know what more you can do.”
“You’re right, I know you are. I just hate that Ryan has to go without a father because of my carelessness.” She sighed in frustration. “If I hadn’t drank so much I’d probably be able to remember his name.”
“What do you remember?” Even though she’d told me a hundred times, I liked the look she got on her face when she talked about Ryan’s father.
“That he was handsome and he made me laugh. He was sweet.” She smiled to herself and I stayed silent, letting her be with her thoughts for a moment.
“I just wish—” she began but was interrupted by a half-asleep Ryan pushing open the bedroom door.
I quickly wiped all traces of our conversation from my face and gave my nephew a smile.
"You ought to be in bed, young man."
"In a minute," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes and climbing into bed between me and his mother. Natalie and I shared a smile. ‘ In a minute’ was his new thing, though I don't think he really grasped the concept of ‘ a minute’ as his minutes often turned into an hour.
"What're you two talking about?" He nuzzled under his mum’s arm and I shuffled up to make room for him. He had his Spiderman pajamas on, half of them anyway. The t-shirt he'd taken off.
"I just had a rubbish day at work, that’s all."
Natalie gave me a small, grateful smile for covering.
"What happened? Did you make a bad garden?"
It made me smile that that's what he thought my job was. "No, sweetie. I was maybe going to get to make a garden but I don't think I am anymore." I figured I had literally kissed my shot at that project goodbye.
Natalie frowned at me over his head but I gave her a look that said I'd fill her in another time.
"Are you sad?"
"A bit."
"Why?" He looked at me in that way children do when they need you to explain a concept that's so simple to adults but completely new to them.
"You know how grown-ups have jobs? Well, if they can't work in the job they want, it can make them very unhappy, and I work in an office with a computer but what I want is to work outside in the dirt."
"Hmmm…well…" His face screwed up to comedic effect as he thought hard. "You could be a gravedigger. They work outside," he announced proudly.
Natalie buried her face in her son’s hair and her shoulders shook as she tried to hold back her laughter.
"That's very true, Ryan. I'll definitely consider it," I said as seriously as I could manage. Ryan yawned and I caught it, yawning myself as tiredness hit me in a wave.
"I'm going to take a bath," I said, forcing myself to leave the warm comfort of my sister’s bed. I gave her arm a reassuring squeeze. "Good night."
"Night. Hey, Lo?" she whispered and I turned to face her. "Whatever it is that's going on with you, just…I don't know, just keep your head, okay?"
I tried to shake the thought of him out of my mind. I could still feel him on my mouth, his hands on my body, the urgency in his eyes as he told me not to run. I hated myself for running but I was glad I'd gotten away.
"Roger Dodger." I gave her a small salute and Ryan saluted back, his eyes half-closed.
Keep my head? That was exactly the problem. I think I'd already lost it.
I set the bath as hot as I could stand and added mango and papaya bath foam. Within seconds the bathroom was filled with the heavenly scent.
I quickly shed my clothes, Alfie’s faint but unmistakable scent still lingering on them. My phone vibrated in my bag and I pulled it out. Of course it was him . It was the second missed call. I switched off the device with disgust.
No. No more tonight.
I'd filled my quota for alpha male drama for one day.