Chapter 75
Seventy-Five
W ake up, little Lo. It’s your birthday.
I jerked awake, and for a moment I could smell my mum.
I could smell the blueberry muffin she would wake me with on every birthday.
I could feel her cuddling up to me in bed, telling me how much I’d grown since my last birthday and all the exciting things I was going to do before my next one. What would she say to me this year?
I was twenty four years old now. Since my twenty third birthday I had gotten into college.
She would be so proud of that. I had designed an incredible garden.
I had thrown myself into the clutches of an unstable, powerful, beautiful man.
What would I do before my next birthday?
Would she be proud of the road I was about to walk down?
The door handle squeaked and Keira came in holding two steaming mugs. A small package decked out in glitter wrapping paper was wedged under one arm.
“Morning, birthday girl.” She perched on the edge of the bed and placed one of the mugs on the bedside table. Tea. Perfect. “You slept for ages. It’s almost 2 in the afternoon.”
I groaned, forcing myself to sit up.
“I guess you needed the rest.” She was right.
It seemed like my body had forced me into lockdown to give my brain a chance to process everything.
“Are you in the mood for presents? Well, present, singular. I was going to get more but then we had a fight and I was feeling petty.” She shrugged and I snorted. I’d missed her.
“Give it,” I told her and she handed over the gift.
I tore it open and found myself holding a blank page notebook.
Handmade decoupage flowers lined the edges with my name painted in exquisite blush pink calligraphy on the front.
A beautiful ribbon lay between the pages to mark my place. “Keira, it’s beautiful.”
“I know. It’s for you to design in or sketch or whatever.
I was going to buy you a fancy one but I’m broke so I just got you a plain one and decorated it.
” She shrugged again. I traced my fingers over my name, in awe of the level of detail and care that had gone into this.
“There’s something else if you can handle it.
” I looked up and found her expression hesitant.
“It’s from him.” My heart lurched. Was Alfie here?
“Don’t worry, that other guy dropped it off, the hot older one? ”
“Elliot?” Relief coursed through me as she nodded.
“Yeah,” she sighed dramatically as she stood. “He can straighten out my daddy kink any day.”
“Gross,” I muttered to her retreating form as she left to get whatever Elliot had brought. She returned a moment later carrying a large Harrods box and matching bag identical to the ones my red dress and shoes had arrived in.
“Want me to open it?” she asked and I nodded.
I couldn’t touch it. I hugged my knees to my chest as I watched her unwrap my gift.
“Woah,” she breathed as she lifted the lid and opened the tissue paper to reveal an exquisite cocktail dress in evening blue.
“He’s got good taste. Or at least his personal shopper does. ”
“He won’t have used her. Not for this,” I said but I wasn’t so sure. The red dress had been a huge leap for Alfie and I had thrown it back in his face. Maybe he wouldn’t give me the chance to do it again.
“There’s a card.” Keira handed it to me. The sight of his handwriting sent a sharp pain through my chest. I pressed my hand to it, trying to soothe it.
Lola,
You will do me the honour of joining me for dinner at Harrington House.
Elliot will collect you at seven.
Alfie Tell.
P.S. Happy Birthday, baby.
My chest constricted as I read his words over and over, soaking in his elegant script. My hand went to my necklace, my thumb rubbing over the glass as I tried to soothe the pain away, but it was pointless. Even my mum’s necklace couldn’t ease what he had done to me.
Alfie…
“Are you going to go?” Keira asked, her fingers playing over the intricate embroidery of the dress’s neckline. I knew she could tell me the name of each kind of stitch. She was exploring and absorbing the same way I did in a new garden.
“I have to. He needs to know.” I felt like I was on the train tracks running head-first into an oncoming train. I didn’t have a choice and we both knew it.
“That’s going to be a shit show.”
“I know.” A heavy silence hung in the air.
We had talked this around and around last night after getting the result of my pregnancy test. I had to talk to Alfie and I knew she understood why but it didn’t stop her being afraid for me, though she tried to hide it underneath sarcasm and her trademark blasé attitude.
She was scared that Alfie really was responsible for Adam’s death and she was scared that he would bend my mind again.
I was scared of both of those things too, but it changed nothing.
She wanted to come with me to see him but I refused.
I had to tell him myself, and I had to do it alone.
Last night I had been so broken, and today I still was, but in place of my inconsolable sobs was the dim memory that I was Lola O’Connell and I could handle anything. I had been fierce once and I would be again. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day I would be strong again.
“Well, at least you’ll be pretty.” We shared a grim smile. There was not one part of my day that wasn’t going to rip my heart out.
“I need to borrow your car,” I told her before swinging my legs out of the bed, leaving her to put the lid back on the box. I had shit to do.
After sending Alfie a text, saying nothing other than I’d see him tonight, the first thing I did was go to Rosie’s.
The office closed on weekends but the nursery didn’t and I had a birthday tradition to uphold.
I stopped at the cafe and, armed with a blueberry muffin, I went in search of Rosie. I found her amongst the plum trees.
“Darling! Happy birthday!” She pulled me into her arms, squeezing me tightly.
“Thanks! I thought you might have forgotten this year, what with me leaving and everything.” I hugged her back, relishing in her comfort. She pulled back and smiled at me.
“Don’t be silly! So, did you make a decision?”
“Yes, but I can’t talk about it now.” I kept my voice even. I would not break in front of her. I refused.
“I understand. Sacrificing something you want for something you need is always hard.” It was a painful lesson but one I was learning fast.
I felt a gentle nudge against my leg and looked down to see Daisy bumping me with her shoulder, eyeing my muffin with interest.
“Hey, old girl.” I broke off a tiny corner of the muffin and knelt down to feed it to her. “Thanks for always sharing my treats with me.” I pressed a kiss to her head. I let out a decisive breath and stood, facing Rosie. “So, as it’s my birthday…” I trailed off and she clapped her hands together.
“Yes! Don’t worry, I’ve set aside the best ones for you. You can take your pick.” I followed her to the back of the nursery where a selection of our best bleeding hearts lay, beautifully arranged. I selected one in seconds and Rosie raised her eyebrows at me.
“That was quick,” she said but I just shrugged. I knew what I wanted today. I pulled her in for a hug, absorbing her warmth one final time. For now anyway.
“Thank you for everything.”
The afternoon was just giving way to the evening as I sunk my hands into the rich earth in my Memory Garden, adding another bleeding heart into the family. Its rich pink hues shone bright in the dying sun and I leaned down to breathe it in.
Every year on my birthday I added a bleeding heart to my garden as a thank you to my mum for giving me…well, everything.
What would she make of what I was about to do? I sighed. Maybe it was time I stopped worrying so much about what everyone else would think of me. Alfie, Keira, Natalie, Bradley, Rosie, Mark…I cared about all of their opinions so much, but I couldn’t live for them. I had to live for me.
With Alfie.
Without Alfie.
Both roads in front of me were agonising, but after that test told me my fortune, I knew which one I had to take.
I stayed in my garden for a while, saying goodbye to it for who knew how long.
When I finally left, I found that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
I was stronger than I realised and my mum and my gran were tied to me, not to this place.
Besides, my garden wasn't going anywhere. I would see it again soon.
I sat with Natalie and Ryan, listening to their chatter as they ate dinner.
I didn’t eat. My stomach was an overturned bag of nerves and with an hour to spare, I went to put my suit of armour on.
The Harrods box lay on my bed. I didn’t debate wearing it.
It was just a dress. I knew what it meant to him, to give me a dress again after kissing another man in the last one he’d given to me. It was right that I wear it tonight.
The dress fit me perfectly of course and the shoes were comfortable, despite their height. My hair I left down and free.
When I was ready, I stepped out of my cottage and into the cool dusk air. I wasn’t surprised to see Elliot waiting for me next to the Rolls.
“Happy Birthday, Miss.” He offered me a hint of a smile but I couldn’t muster one in return. Images of Adam laying in his bathroom with a broken neck coursed through my mind.
“Thank you Elliot,” I said, keeping my voice as steady as possible.
“I’ll be taking my friend’s car tonight.
You can follow me.” It didn’t escape me how much I’d just sounded like Alfie.
I didn’t want to sit in a car with Elliot.
Had he been a part of stealing my birth control?
Maybe, but I was past caring now. Without giving him a chance to argue, I climbed into Keira’s mini and pulled away, Elliot hot on my tail.