Chapter 9
Nine
I awoke the next morning to my phone ringing. Bleary eyed, I checked it and found an unknown number glaring back at me. I swiped the screen, expecting a cold caller, I was surprised when I heard Alfie’s smooth voice down the line.
“It still takes you forever to wake up then?” As always, his voice washed over me, settling on my skin like the richest of silk.
“Huh?” I rubbed my eyes, still half asleep.
“I’ve been calling for fifteen minutes.” Where once being made to wait would have annoyed him, today his tone was full of amusement.
“Oh. What’s up?”
“Can I see you? I need to discuss something.” His words jolted me awake. Seeing Alfie face to face was not something I felt prepared for.
“You can’t do that over the phone?”
“I can if you’d prefer but it’s sensitive.” I stared up at the ceiling thinking it was way too early to be dealing with Alfie’s drama. “I’m outside your place, right now.”
I closed my eyes, teeth clenching. “Of course you are.” Why wasn’t I surprised he’d just shown up uninvited after promising me he would stay away?
“You don’t have to?—”
“Whatever, Alfie. I’ll be out in a minute.” I hung up and pulled myself out of bed, anger churning in my stomach. I was tempted to tell him to go to hell but I knew what would come next. Him banging on my door or pulling some other crap to get me to see him.
He’d been back in my life for all of a few days and here I was again, being manipulated.
Sure, he’d been about to say I didn’t have to come out and see him, but did I really believe he wouldn’t come banging on my door?
By meeting him the other night, I’d opened the door to his bullshit which is exactly what I’d been afraid would happen.
Five minutes later my teeth were brushed and that was as much effort as I put into my appearance. My oversized pyjamas hung loose on my body and my hair was still a wreck from a night of tossing and turning, worrying about Alfie.
I stepped out into the daylight and sure enough, there he was, leaning against a sleek car I didn’t know the make of, Ray Bans shielding me from his penetrative gaze, though I felt it all the same. Yeah, it was definitely way too early for my system to handle Alfie Tell.
I met him on the pavement, smoothing my face into a still mask.
“What’s going on?” I asked, cutting straight to the point.
“How are you?”
“I’m fine, what’s going on?” I repeated, refusing to be sidetracked into niceties. The corner of his mouth tilted in amusement.
“Riley told me that he’s Ryan’s father.” Wow, Riley moved quickly.
I held my breath, waiting for whatever came next.
“I didn’t believe him at first but now that I think about it, I can see the resemblance.
As jealous as I am that he gets to be connected to you forever, I wanted to reassure you face to face that I won’t be using that to manipulate you in any way. ”
I found myself wishing I could see his eyes. He was so much harder to read when they were hidden. Did he mean what he said? I had no idea. I was just going to have to take him at his word. If he was lying then I’d handle that drama when it came.
“Okay.” I shrugged.
“Okay?”
“What else should I say? Am I supposed to thank you for not manipulating me?” I snapped, the harsh bite clear in my voice, making Alfie pause for a moment.
“No, I suppose not.” Silence hung between us, dense with our tension. I sighed, it was time to make some things clear.
“Alfie, you turning up here…don’t start making it a habit.
” I swear I saw him flinch. I didn’t want to hurt him but I didn’t want him waltzing his way back into my life either.
“We left things on a good note, and I’m glad that you sent me that package so I can get the answers I need, but that door isn’t open.
You said you weren’t going to contact me and now you’re here, using this drama with Riley as an excuse to see me.
You can’t do that. Do you understand what I’m saying?
” I felt his stare deep in my bones as he studied me.
I kept my face still, an even mask I’d seen him wear a thousand times.
“Yes, I understand. I apologise.” His voice was low, hiding the sadness that emanated off him in waves. Guilt threatened but I refused to let it in. He turned to get into his car but something caught my attention. Just behind his glasses I saw a hint of bluish black near right eye.
“What happened to your face?”
“Nothing,” he brushed me off, “have a good day at work.” Before he could leave I stepped up and snatched the glasses off him, revealing a black eye.
“Who did that?” Despite everything, the sight of him hurt pierced me to my core.
I fought the urge to tend to him, console him.
He wasn’t mine to take care of anymore. Without the glasses, I could see the turmoil in his eyes.
He really hadn’t wanted me to see the bruise and knowing everything I knew about him now, I couldn’t help but wonder what painful memories that had dragged up for him.
“I told Riley why we split up.” My stomach turned and seeing my alarm, Alfie continued quickly. “Not about Adam, but about the birth control, the manipulation. All of that other shit.”
I was speechless and I stared at him, confused. “Why?”
“He said that you told him to tell me about Ryan because you hate secrets. I hate secrets too. I’m tired of them, Lo.
” He looked tired, exhausted deep into his bones.
I could only imagine how little he’d slept knowing I was now in possession of every secret he had.
“Besides, I didn’t want him trying to pressure you again into giving me another chance. ”
I studied his face, trying to read him. Sincerity. That was all I found there.
“I’m sorry he did that to you.”
“It’s okay,” he said, shrugging it off.
“It’s not okay for you to get hit, Alfie.” He stiffened, catching my meaning. I moved on, not wanting to dwell on his past. “Is he going to tell Natalie?”
“I made him promise he wouldn’t but he didn’t like keeping it from her. I was surprised when he said that she spoke of me highly, I’d presumed she would hate me by now.” Alfie eyed me closely and I sighed. I wasn’t relishing the idea of telling Natalie about this. “Why didn’t you ever tell her?”
“She didn’t need our drama on her plate,” I told him but something in his eyes said he didn’t quite believe me.
“She didn’t wonder why you hadn’t moved on?”
“I’ve moved on, Alfie,” I snapped. “I’ve dated other men, I just haven’t had another relationship. I told her the truth, which was that after two nightmare relationships that blew up in my face, I needed some time on my own.”
“Have you slept with anyone since me?” The question didn’t surprise me, I was only surprised he hadn’t asked it sooner.
“That’s none of your business. But I’m sure you know the answer anyway.” I gave him a wry look that he returned with a smile.
“Sex and feelings were never mutually exclusive for you. You can’t have one without the other, so no. You haven’t been with anyone else.”
“Don’t need to sound so pleased about it,” I muttered.
“Shouldn’t I be? Should I relish the idea of you sharing your body with someone else?” His spine straightened as he spoke, dominating my space so naturally I wondered if he even noticed he’d done it.
“You better get used to the idea, because one day, when I’m ready, that’s going to happen.
You haven’t ruined me for other men, Alfie.
” I straightened my own spine, needing him to be as sure of that fact as I was.
Eventually, I would be ready, I just needed Alfie out of my system first. “Will you and Riley be okay?”
“Yeah, eventually. We’ve been friends for too long to fight forever.” He gave me a rueful smile. “What are you going to do about Natalie?”
“I’ll tell her today.” I wasn’t looking forward to that conversation.
A strong breeze blew, making me shiver. I tucked my hair behind my ear and looked up at the sky.
The clouds were threatening rain as they always were at this time of year.
I found Alfie’s eyes still fixed on me, deep and dark.
I shivered again, but not from the cold this time. His look was predatory, hungry. “What?”
“You look beautiful.” Whatever I’d thought he was going to say, that wasn’t it.
“I’m wearing flannel pyjamas with muffins on them.”
“Yes, you are.” His longing expression told me he didn’t give a damn about my deeply unsexy pyjamas. I felt a tugging in my chest, the same need I was sure he felt. I wanted him. There was no denying it. That yearning was my cue to leave. I sighed, smoothing my mask into place.
“Goodbye, Alfie.” I turned to go back inside, not waiting for his reply.
“I’ll see you soon, Lo.”
I froze, daring to look back at him. He looked right at me, like he knew it wouldn’t be long before we were together again.
Whether that was a threat or a promise I didn’t know, and I didn’t wait to find out.
I hurried inside, slamming my front door on the sharp autumn wind and the man that hadn’t shivered once, no matter how much it bit at him.
Natalie was pissed. No. Pissed was an understatement.
Natalie was furious . Furious with me for not telling her.
Furious with Riley for encouraging me to see Alfie again and murderous with Alfie for what he did.
I felt sick telling her, hearing the worry in her voice.
But I felt relieved too, that the secret was out now. I didn't have to hide it anymore.
Eventually she calmed down, once she’d extracted the promise from me that Alfie and I would absolutely never be getting back together. It wasn’t a hard promise to give. As much as I missed him, being with him was a level of crazy I didn’t ever want to go back to.
My day dragged by and when evening came, I reopened the chest with a heavy heart.
Turning to where I’d left off and starting on the next entry.
I learned about his teachers, his dorm mates.
I met sixteen year old Riley, a light in Alfie’s dark world and recognised a rare mirror between his life and mine.
How many times had Keira been the light in my darkness?
Years went by in his past and I found Alfie at eighteen, throwing a midnight party at his school's lakeside chateau, because yeah, his school had a lakeside chateau. My school had a dining hall that doubled as the place we did P.E when it was raining out.
I’ve learned something tonight. A girl will swallow your dick if you don’t ask her nicely.
I winced away from that, hating that young Alfie Tell’s warped mind had come to that conclusion.
I’ve learned something else too. Cocaine eases the pain and control is good for the soul.
Martha has been pulling on me all night.
I like girls pulling on me but I don’t like desperation.
It turns out though, that I like seeing desperate girls on their knees, with my dick in their mouth.
I like having my hand in her hair, moving her how I wanted.
I like knowing the touching would stop whenever I wanted.
I like power. I like feeling like a King.
Maybe I am like my brother after all. Except, I didn’t want to hurt Martha. Because here’s the other thing I learned, when I pushed her against the wall and got her off, she looked at me like I meant something. I became important.
I’ve gotten girls off before, I’m not a virgin, but this was new. Tonight I learned that when you give someone pleasure, in that moment, you’re all they see, you’re all they want, you’re all that matters.
I’m throwing another party next week. I can’t wait to be looked at like that again. I could get used to this.
Was this it? Was this the beginning of the Alfie Tell I knew?
The one who had become so distressed that night in the jacuzzi when he failed to give me an orgasm?
I imagined a teenage Alfie, being so starved for affection that this was how he got it.
I couldn’t help but imagine where he was now, some cold office in London, buried in his father’s company, terrified at what I might be reading about him.
I pushed that thought away. Thinking like that was only going to make me weak and with Alfie Tell, I had to have a spine of steel, because the lonely teenager wasn’t who I was dealing with. I was dealing with the manipulative narcissist he’d turned into.
Underneath my sadness, I was jealous too.
Stupidly, I was jealous of that girl from twenty years ago being allowed an experience with Alfie he had never allowed me.
Why? Why other women and not me? Deep down, I understood why.
He didn’t feel worthy of worship from someone who actually cared about him.
Gritting my teeth I read on and on into the night. Finding more girls, more sadness and confusion. More Alfie too. Long passages about Greek mythology, about science, philosophy and the history of musicians he liked. Vivaldi amongst them of course.
The only time Mother ever showed an interest in me was when I’d played Vivaldi at my recital when I was twelve. He isn’t the most admired composer in the world, but he reminds me of my Mother clapping for me in an audience, so he’s my favourite.
Each word was another ice hot needle in my skin. He needed me and I couldn’t be there.
I read page after page, excavating more and more of the person underneath the steely exterior I knew.
He’d been a curious and exceptionally bright teenager.
That didn't surprise me. He was still that way as a grown man. Those qualities, along with his passion and loyalty were all parts of the man I’d wanted.
The original man. The man he would have become if he hadn’t been warped and twisted into this broken creature.
That was a man I could have been with forever.
I found myself yearning for a future with that man, a future that would never, ever be mine.
For the first time, I was angry he’d given me these journals.
Angry that I had to bear his pain alone.
Angry that I had to meet the person he could have been, knowing he was buried so deep now I would never be able to dig him out.
I reached the end of his first journal and slammed it shut, frustrated that that man had been stolen away from me and from himself. It wasn’t fair and I wasn’t sure who I hurt for more, him or myself.