Chapter 15 #2
“They started after my mum passed away. I thought they’d stopped. I didn’t realise I was having them with you.” I guess that's why sleeping without him was so hard. It killed me that he’d taken care of me at my most vulnerable and had never said a word.
Alfie…
I wanted him. I wanted him so badly my bones ached but still, I stayed where I was.
“You’re still having them?”
“Yes, except you’re in them now too.” He flinched at that. At uncovering another layer of damage he’d done to me.
“You need to heal, Lola. I’ll do what I can to help you do that.”
“What if what I need is to be away from you?”
“You’ve had two years away from me. It hasn’t helped, so stop with the bullshit.
” He tilted his head, scrutinising me in that way that made me feel naked.
I watched his cogs turn the way I had a thousand times, watching as he formulated a plan.
“I want to make a proposal.” Here w e go. “According to my therapist?—”
“There's a sentence I never thought I’d hear you say,” I muttered. He raised his brows at me and I motioned for him to continue.
“She advises that we start from scratch. Not ignoring our past, but not focusing on it either. We need to re-learn each other, without our ghosts fucking everything up. We need time.”
“I don’t want?—”
“I know. You’re frightened. So, this is the deal.
We spend a year together. Call it our do-over.
At the end of it, if you still feel like this, I’ll let you go, with my blessing.
I have already spoken with Angie, she’s adjusting my schedule so that I can spend as much time in London as possible. You will agree to this, Lola.”
“Oh really? Will I?”
“Yes. Because you aren’t a coward.” He straightened his spine, just that one move sent a shiver up my own.
I gritted my teeth. A year. In limbo with Alfie.
I wouldn’t survive it. But he was right.
Two years hadn’t helped, there was still pain to be waded through.
Maybe if he could help me to trust him again, then I could learn to trust others and then I could finally be free.
“One month.”
“Six,” he countered.
“Three.”
“Fine.” That one simple word felt like shackles snapping shut around my wrists.
“Look at us, learning to compromise already.” He gave me a triumphant grin.
Alfie loved winning. “One other thing. Sex.” Sex .
Every x-rated memory flashed across my mind.
Every time I’d gushed over his fingers, every time he’d spilled himself inside me.
Visions of him filling me, pounding me until I saw stars and screamed his name poured through me, flushing my skin.
His gaze dropped to my thighs where I pressed them together.
Immediately, I relaxed, but it was too late.
I couldn’t hide anything from Alfie. That was one thing that hadn’t changed.
“I feel it too, Lo.” His voice was low, husky.
“But for the time being, I will keep my hands to myself. I swear it.”
“Until when?”
“Until you trust me, and you have no more doubts. Only then will I touch you.” He took a step closer towards me, “I’m going to marry you, Lola, that is an inevitable fact. I’ve decided that now. You opened the door and I’m walking through it.”
“The problem, Alfie, is that the life you offer me is still a life that I don’t want. I don’t want to live like this.” I gestured at our extravagant surroundings. He stepped closer to me, only a foot away.
“Let me worry about that.” My heart ached, and for a moment, I weakened. Salt water welled in my eyes and a treacherous tear slipped down my cheek. Carefully, as if I might bite him, he cupped my face, wiping the tear with his thumb.
Alfie…
I gritted my teeth, strengthening my heart against him. “I’d like to go home.”
He pulled away, nodding. “Shall I have Elliot drive you or would you prefer to make your own way?” It wasn’t lost on me that he was giving me a choice.
“Elliot,” I said, not missing how he relaxed at my answer.
“Alright, but I need you to understand something before you go. You’ve forgiven me for Adam, for the lies, and now you’ve forgiven me for what I did to my family. Your forgiveness was something I didn’t think was possible but now that I have it, there is nothing holding me back from you.”
“What does that mean?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. I didn’t want him to know how nervous his words made me.
“It means I will be moving this forward. You need to be prepared for that.”
“Alfie, I need time, I need to think.”
“No. I won’t force myself on you but I can’t wait in your limbo. I can’t live in the grey anymore, not with you. Leave me in the cold or bring me into your light, but don’t play with me.” He took my chin suddenly, stepping into my space. “You’re mine. You have always been mine.”
“There’s too much…”
“I’m going to fix it. I promise. I need you to have faith in me. I know it’s hard but I need you to try.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered and he frowned a little, his cogs turning as he tried to understand. “I don’t understand how you’re changing so quickly.”
“This isn’t quick. It's been two and a half years. But that's not all, is it? What else is wrong?”
I paused, trying to gather my scrambling thoughts. Having him so close was fucking with my head.
“What happens when you change back?”
“I won’t. I’m arrogant and controlling by nature but I’m working on that. The manipulation, the lies, they cost me you, I’m not going to go back to being that man. It’s a false economy.”
“So, this is like a business plan?”
“Sure. And I’m a fucking good business man.” He smiled, his soft lips parting over his teeth.
“What if at the end of all of this, I decide to leave you in my past?”
“That is your decision to make, but you won’t make it.
It might take you a while to be ready to admit it out loud, but you’ve been mine since we met.
You can take your time accepting that but you will accept it.
” His hand slipped to cup my head, his fingers gliding into my hair, making my skin heat.
“Remember our agreement, O’Connell. For the next three months, you’re all mine. ”
I swallowed, gazing up at the man that had royally fucked me up and could so easily do it again. Three months. What had I let myself in for?