Chapter 24 #2
He laughed even harder and I jumped as the door behind me opened, his receptionist poking his head around the door.
“Is everything alright, Sir?” The young man looked like he’d seen a ghost himself as he stared, slack jawed at his usually stern-faced boss.
“Yes,” Alfie ran a hand over his jaw, trying to stop the laughter, “everything’s fine, Jude.” Jude looked at me, clearly needing an explanation. I held up my particle thrower.
“He was just laughing at my ghost gun.” Alfie set off laughing again and I used the opportunity to introduce myself, offering Jude my hand. “Hi, I’m Lola.”
“I’m Jude, nice to meet you.” After a quick glance at his boss he excused himself. I turned to Alfie, his laughter had finally stopped but the light was still alive in his eyes. I opened my proton pack and pulled out the sandwiches I’d picked up on my way here.
“Are you hungry? I brought lunch.”
“Lola, you didn’t have to do this,” he said as I put a simple cheese sandwich in front of him.
“Are you telling me to leave?”
“Fuck, no. I’m just wishing I could take advantage of that costume.”
I blinked at him. “I’m guessing this is one of your stranger fetishes.”
He snorted and smiled at me again as he tucked into his lunch.
I sat down across from him, tucking into my own. “So, when are you quitting this job?” I asked, deciding to jump right into it.
“Excuse me?”
“This job.” I gestured at the soulless office. “When are you quitting it?”
“I have no plans to.” He lifted a hand before I could argue. “It’s not just about me, Lola. Thousands of people depend on me for their livelihood.”
“So, no one else could run it then?” I asked.
He paused. “That’s not the point.”
“Right. The point is that you don’t know who you are without this and you’re too chicken to find out.”
He scowled at me but he didn’t seem angry. “Is this what it feels like when I get inside your head?”
I didn’t answer, only grinned. “So, any hints about where you’re taking me on Friday?”
“No,” he mumbled around a mouthful of sandwich. I stared at the man once so uptight a squeaky chair had annoyed him, now relaxed enough to talk with his mouth full. I wondered if he could see for himself all the tiny ways he’d changed, as well as the big ones.
“Can I wear my new outfit?” I gestured at my deeply unflattering boiler suit. He smiled at me but he said nothing. I bit my lip, feeling self conscious for the first time. “What?”
He lifted one shoulder in a shrug, not taking his eyes off me. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” I replied, my own voice soft. “In a way.”
He arched a brow at me. “In a way?”
“I didn’t really know you.” It was the truth and he knew it too.
“That’s fair. We’re going to change that.” His words were a promise that sent a shiver up my spine.
“And then?”
“And then at the end of the three months, you can decide if the real me is what you want.” He put the final morsel of sandwich in his mouth, sitting in silence as we finished eating.
“Do you think it might not be?”
He sighed, putting our rubbish into the bin by his desk.
“Lo, do you have any idea how terrifying it is that I can’t fuck you?
” The urgency in his words caught me off guard.
This was a topic we’d danced around for weeks now.
No sex. It was a rule I was glad we had but I’d be an idiot if I said it hadn’t been on my mind.
Without the sex, our entire dynamic had changed.
I’d robbed Alfie of his greatest weapon.
No pun intended. “All I’ve got is my pretty face and a shit ton of emotional baggage. I can’t even make you laugh.”
“Try.”
“What?” He frowned.
“Try and make me laugh.” I challenged, his jaw tightened and I rolled my eyes. “See, that’s your problem right there. You don’t know how to relax, to just switch off and stop trying to be something all the time.”
I moved to sit on his desk to be closer to him and nudged him with my knee, keeping him from sinking too deep into serious thoughts.
“Alfie, you treat life like it's a game and everyone is playing against you. When we’re together, it’s like you always have this end goal, a place you want to get me to, and the whole time we’re with each other you’re manipulating me and everything else around us to get me to that place.
I can’t relax when you’re around because I don’t know where you’re taking me or if I’m going to like it. ”
He frowned at his hands, soaking in my words. “I don’t always mean to.”
“I know. It’s about control. It’s about you controlling where I go so that I don’t go away from you.
I get it. But it doesn’t work.” In a rare move, I took his hand in mine, caressing his palm with my thumb.
He seemed shocked by my touch. “Maybe work on just being in the moment, you know? Not thinking about driving it somewhere.”
“I’ll work on it.”
“What do you want in return?” I asked and he frowned. “Come on Alfie, you always want something in return.”
“You need to consider taking me back.” His answer came so quick I almost laughed.
Alfie always knew what he wanted and had no issue asking for it, it was one of the things I admired most about him.
“I mean, really consider it. I know you’re holding back, thinking these three months are just about healing and moving on.
I need you to consider it, because if I don’t stand a chance then you need to just tell me now. It would be kinder.”
Now it was my turn to pause. I swallowed, my throat thick. I had no idea what to say except to do my best to be honest. “I like being with you, I like what I see of you now. But the damage you did…it feels insurmountable. I don’t know how we get past that.”
He nodded. I could see those cogs turning in his head, an expression that never failed to make me nervous.
“What are you thinking?” I asked and he stood, clearing his face of whatever thoughts were dwelling there. He stood over me, my knees suddenly either side of him. I swallowed at his close proximity but I didn’t flinch away.
“I’m thinking that when you’re back in my bed, you’re going to need to rent this costume again.”
I blinked, looking down at myself then back up at him. “Really? This?”
His mouth lifted in a half smile as his palms came to rest on my thighs and he stepped a little closer. “No, you’re right. A jumpsuit would never work. You need something with a skirt.”
I snorted and playfully batted him away. He let me, his eyes light with amusement. Just like that, with Alfie Tell smiling, the soulless room seemed that much brighter.