Chapter 42
Forty-Two
T he rest of the phone call went about as well as I could have expected. Natalie was reserving judgement and I didn’t blame her.
So much was riding on Alfie proving himself to be good. Riley and Damien were so deeply connected to him that Natalie and Keira had labelled them guilty by association. If he came through, they got a shot with the women they wanted, if he didn’t…
I sighed, annoyed with myself. I had to stop thinking like that. He would come through, he already had.
Just like old times, Elliot was waiting outside my work when I finished.
“More reporters?”
“I’m afraid they multiplied. Luckily they haven’t appeared at your work yet.” His lips thinned in disgust, telling me exactly what he thought of the paparazzi. “Miss Larson is going to stay with Mr Marx tonight and Miss Hyde is staying with a friend I believe.”
I blinked in surprise, Keira hadn’t told me that but then again, I wasn’t her parent. She wasn’t obligated to report to me. “Okay, well, I’m sure they won’t bother me once I’m inside the apartment.”
Elliot folded his hands in front of him, a stern look in his eye. “Alfie wants you with him tonight.”
“Does he?” I said, getting a strong sense of deja vu. “Do I get a say in this?”
“Of course, but if you don’t go to him then he’ll come to you which is just going to fuel the gossip.”
“There aren’t reporters outside his house?”
“There are plenty of reporters outside his hotel where they believe he’s staying.”
I bit back a smile, of course Alfie was one step ahead of them. “Very clever.”
Much to Elliots’ relief, I climbed into the car without further argument. I settled into the soothing tones of soft classical music as he wound us through the London traffic.
Alfie’s house loomed large, intimidating and cold. I followed Elliot inside, wanting to get to Alfie as soon as possible. I came to a halt in the entrance hall when my gaze landed on a vase of deep red bleeding hearts, a stark contrast from the monochrome colour scheme of the rest of the house.
Again, deja vu hit me. Alfie had done this before when he had been drowning in his father’s company. He’d planted pieces of me around him to keep him warm. I breathed in their soft scent. Usually they soothed me, but tonight all they did was urge me to Alfie’s side.
“Elliot, is that you?” Ada’s voice startled me out of my thoughts. Elliot gave me a warm smile before heading off to find her.
I made my way upstairs, my hand trailing on the black spiral banister. I walked the stark halls of Alfie’s house alone, hating the thought of him doing the same, with only white tile and those strange black squares for company.
I found Alfie’s office, the door closed. I knocked first before stepping inside, greeted by an all too familiar scene. Alfie, hunched over a mass of papers, his office littered with vases of bleeding hearts.
“Hey, you.” I stepped inside, pressing the door shut behind me. He looked up, a haunted look in his eye. His gaze lingered on me but he didn’t say a word. I lifted a hand, fingering the petals of one of the bouquets placed by the door. “What’s all this in aid of?”
“It doesn’t matter. Have you eaten? Ada can make something if you’re hungry.”
“I’ll eat when you eat.” I walked over to him.
His jacket hung neatly over the arm of the couch, his sleeves rolled up revealing toned forearms, lightly tanned from the Greek sun.
He seemed surprised when I slid into his lap.
“You don’t need to surround yourself with flowers, you know.
If you’re struggling up here,” I touched a finger to his temple, “and you need me, just say so. I’ll come running.
” He nodded but he didn’t seem to really take in my words. “Talk to me, Alfie.”
He stared at me for one long moment and I watched those cogs turn as I had done a thousand times. “Remember when we didn’t need to talk? Remember when all that existed was us?”
“Yes. I also remember when we made each other insane.” I gave him a wry look that he didn’t return. His mind was so clearly somewhere else.
“In a way, things were simpler then. We would just fall into bed and fuck and play until the world disappeared. Shit gets complicated when you get morals involved.” His brow furrowed. He was pissed, whether with me, himself or the world I couldn’t tell.
“You know, we can still fall into bed and let the world fall away.”
He looked at me like a man being offered an apple that could be poisoned. “It’s not healthy to live like that though.”
“Everything in moderation, Alfie. You can take me to the edge of insanity, we just can’t live there.” He didn’t reply, just sat there, scowling at the world like a little boy with a broken toy. “What do you need?”
“Nothing that this new version of me can ask of you,” he muttered.
“And the old version?” I asked, an awareness prickling up my spine that had me feeling like I was dancing with the devil.
“Would tell you to promise never to leave me.”
I swallowed, another wave of deja vu hitting me. This was the delicate dance we did every day. Constantly tip-toeing along the line of crazy and not crazy. “Is that really what you want?”
“I thought it was but no. I just have some shit I’m dealing with. Performance anxiety, I suppose.”
I bit back a grin. “You? The great Alfie Tell?”
He rolled his eyes at me. “Not physically. Mentally, I mean. I want you, I’m just not sure if I’m ready to have you. If I can live up to expectations.”
I nodded, starting to understand. It was sink or swim time. His fathers expectations had always been high and retribution for failures had been swift. It made sense that Alfie was afraid of getting things wrong.
“Alfie, my expectations are just that you be honest and decent. That you don’t manipulate me or lie to me.”
He swallowed, eyeing me. “Then I should tell you that I could have told those reporters you were staying at the hotel with me but I let them think you were at your apartment.”
I stared at him, trying to mould that morsel of manipulation into rational reason.
“So that I couldn’t go back there and would be forced to come here instead?
” I asked and he nodded. I sighed, annoyed but unsurprised.
Alfie was human, small slips were going to happen, this was my chance to show that a little setback wouldn’t have me running for the hills.
“You don’t need to do that anymore. You want me here, just ask me.
Is this what you’re really not ready for?
Trusting that I’m yours and letting go of all your schemes to get me back? ”
He frowned again, trying to make sense of his own emotions. It was painful watching him work hard to use the tools Priya had given him to help him communicate. “Manipulation is my safety net.”
I knew that and I accepted it, it just couldn’t be a part of us. “It’s time to work without the net, Alfie.”
He avoided my gaze, his fingers playing with a loose thread on my skirt. The blue ribbon braid was still fixed around his wrist. Eventually, he gave me a decisive nod. He glanced up, those steel greys clear for the first time in days.
He gripped my waist, lifting me until I was straddling him. My skirt rode up, the thin skin of my tights a flimsy protection against him.
“Let me see if I can still remember how to do this.” He nudged me, tilting me forward until the apex of my thighs pressed over his crotch.
My hands rested on his chest and just like that, tension grew a thick fog around us, sealing us off from the rest of the world.
I looked down at him, my heart threatening to beat out of my chest.
With a whimper, I pressed down, grinding on him.
“Again, baby.”
I did as he asked, feeling him harden beneath me. He studied me, making me feel naked already. He looked like a man deciding which part of a banquet to feast on first.
His hands tightened on my waist, applying pressure. He watched me close as he applied more, stealing my breath away. I was entranced, lost in him in a way I hadn’t been in so long. I wanted him to swallow me whole, eat me alive, just to be part of him.
His hands rose up, cupping the weight of my breasts through my sweater, they felt heavy, my nipples swollen as his thumbs brushed over the tips.
“Alfie…” I gasped.
“Slow…slow your breathing, Lo. This isn’t going to be quick.” His hands continued their journey, exploring me, rediscovering me. One cupped my face, his thumb slipping between my lips. I moaned, gripping the digit with my teeth.
His jaw tensed, his cock twitching below me. He let his hand drop to my throat, squeezing. His other found my hair, tugging out the hair tie, he gathered it around his hand, winding and winding until it pulled taut.
I rolled my hips on him, desperate for more friction. I wanted his mouth on mine but his hands on me wouldn’t let me move an inch. He squeezed my throat as I rode myself higher, heightening my pleasure.
I sank into the haze of us. This…this part of us hadn’t changed a bit.
“You’ve still got it,” I breathed. Fuck did he still have it. “Take me, Alfie, please.”
“You need me?” He was breathless, his voice straining with barely restrained lust. He was an animal about to snap its leash.
“I always need you.” I ground down on him, letting him feel just how desperate I was.
“You want me?”
“Alfie…” I whined, shameless.
“Do you love me?”
The question froze me, stilling us in this moment. How did I begin to answer that?
“I…”
The words stuck in my throat, unable to move. Too afraid of the answer he swallowed them with a growl, his mouth finally meeting mine. He pulled me into his kiss and further into his orbit. I held onto him, wrapping my legs around his waist as he stood.
I clung to him as he took us out of the room and down the hall.
I was oblivious of our direction, only gasping for breath as he lay me out on soft bedding.
I opened my eyes to find us in a bedroom I presumed was his.
Stunning of course, cold in monochrome, those black squares were huge in here, like matte, mounted flatscreens.
He stood over me, reminding me of our first night together when he’d laid me out on his bed and stood, looking down at my nakedness.
This was it. It was finally happening. My skin felt alive, my heart racing. My core felt swollen, wet already.
He took one ankle, removing one boot and then another. He slipped between my open thighs, falling into my embrace. I reached between us, fire burning in my stomach as I unbuckled his belt, tugging his shirt from his trousers. I made short work of his tie, his buttons.
He pulled at my sweater, lifting it over my head. I lay under him, breathless and half-dressed as he pulled off his shirt.
His lips burned mine, pressing into me with a passion, as if he was trying to escape, trying to disappear inside me and hide from the world.
I gasped as he moved to my throat, hands pinning my shoulders to the bed to keep me from squirming.
He made his way down my body, feasting with a ferocity, his teeth tugging on my nipples through the lace of my bra, his bite so rich I cried out.
He was consuming me, eating me alive. His hands dug into the waistband of my skirt, my tights and he pulled them down, throwing them away.
“Alfie…”
His mouth cut off my words, eating them up. He moaned into my mouth, a desperate sound. He sounded lost, desperate, almost panicked. I cupped his face, trying to calm him but he wrenched them over my head, groaning as he pinned me down.
He kissed me like an addict pushing the needle into a vein, knowing it might kill him but needing it more than life.
He kissed me like he wanted to stop. He bit my lips, sucking and bruising.
He pressed into me, the hard ridge of his erection hitting just right on my clitoris. I moaned, moving my hips to meet him.
He pushed us higher, higher until suddenly he wrenched himself away from me.
“Alfie?” I stared up at him, his hands gripping my wrists so tight it hurt. His teeth were gritted, his eyes squeezed shut tight. “What is it?”
He peered down at me, eyes lost in the darkness. “I can’t,” he choked on the words, as if he didn’t really mean them. “I can’t, Lo. I’m sorry.”
He pulled away, standing in the middle of the room like a lost child. I sat up, confused, the shame of rejection burning on my skin. His chest heaved, reminding me of the night I’d found him burning himself in the shower. Something was wrong, very very wrong.
He began to pace, his fists clenching as if lava was boiling up inside him.
I watched him, fear stricken. A scream escaped as he lashed out, fist colliding with one of those black squares. It cracked like a mirror, the glass slicing his skin.
“Alfie!” I flew off the bed running to him but he backed up.
“Don’t!” His voice cracked and it was then I saw the tears, thick hot tears running down his face. He wiped them away with one hand, his other dripping blood on the floor.
“What is going on? Please, you’re scaring me.”
He closed his eyes, the only sound was the faint drip of his blood staining the floor. When he looked at me again, I found pain there, pain and resignation. I’d seen that look before. On the night we split up, when he’d decided to let me go.
“I have to show you something.”
My stomach turned over, I wrapped my arms around my body, suddenly very aware that I was almost naked. He pulled his phone from his pocket and swiped the screen. My blood turned to ice as the black squares lit up around us.