Chapter 49
Forty-Nine
P riya sat in my threadbare armchair, looking oddly at ease despite how crammed it was with three of us in our tiny living space. Keira sat on the couch next to me, tension emanating from her in waves.
I’d asked Priya to hold our session at my home rather than Alfie’s hotel. I was feeling the need to do this on my own turf.
“I apologise for the close quarters,” I said and Priya gave me a warm smile.
“I’m a first generation immigrant with six siblings. Close quarters don’t bother me.” She adjusted her notepad on her lap, her onyx fountain pen at the ready. “So, would you like Keira to be a silent participant in this session or will she be taking part?”
I shared a look with Keira, her expression telling me it was my choice. “She can join in if she wants to.”
Priya nodded, her shrewd gaze shifting between the two of us.
“You don’t think I should be here?” Keira asked.
“I’m wary of Lola using you as a crutch instead of dealing with this on her own.”
“That’s not what this is,” I cut in. “Our friendship suffered the last time Alfie and I were together. I want to make sure we’re solid this time. ”
“I see,” she said, her expression so smooth I couldn’t tell whether she still disapproved or not. “Well, why don’t we start with how Alfie came to tell you about the cameras?”
I took a deep breath, readying myself to dive in. “We were at his house, getting…intimate. He stopped and told me what he’d done.” I felt Keira’s eyes on me, judging or pitying I wasn’t sure.
“Why do you think he did that?”
“Guilt,” I answered. It wasn’t difficult to figure out.
“Why that particular moment though?”
This was where it got tricky figuring out what I could say and what I couldn’t.
Priya didn’t know about how Charles and Joseph Tell had died and neither did Keira.
His father and brother were part of why that particular moment was the pressure point.
I decided to go with an explanation that wouldn’t expose Alfie’s ghosts.
“Alfie built the Never Tell Club from scratch. So much of what they do is based on consent, those are rules set up by Alfie and still enforced by him to this day. What he’s done to me with stealing my pills, the cameras…
it goes against his most important values.
” I paused, trying to be careful with my words.
“He knew that trusting him with my body again was the biggest issue for me, he knew how much it meant. I think sleeping with me knowing he was doing this awful thing was a step too far, he couldn’t go through with it. ”
Priya looked thoughtful as she processed my words. Keira was quiet, though I could feel her humming with tension.
“Keira, care to share your thoughts?” Of course Priya had spotted that Keira had something to say.
I looked over at my friend, prepared for the onslaught. I gave her a nod, telling her she was free to speak.
“You aren’t the only one he violated, Lo. He filmed me too, he put Maia in my home too.”
“I know. That makes me more angry than anything he’s done to me.”
“I don’t get how you can even think of giving him another chance.” Her voice was soft with sadness. It hurt to hear it.
I looked at Priya, asking for her help to explain something even I didn’t understand but instead of looking at me, she was focused on Keira.
“Keira, why did you give Lola another chance after she broke your friendship two and a half years ago?”
Keira shrugged, not seeming surprised by her question. “We’re lifers, I’ve known her forever. She’s my best friend.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to keep her in your life. So, what compelled you to forgive her after she’d hurt you?”
Keira frowned, my stomach clenched as I wondered what her answer would be. “I understand her, I guess. After her losses with her family, I get why she got infatuated with Alfie, why she developed this saviour complex with him.”
“Is it possible then that Lola feels the same about Alfie? Perhaps she understands him in a way you don’t?”
“Oh, that’s for sure.” She rolled her eyes, her tone rich with sarcasm that was too filled with pain to take personally. “What do you see in him, Lo? How much does he have to hurt us before you decide enough is enough?”
That was a question I’d asked myself a thousand times. Before I could answer, Priya cut in.
“What answer would satisfy you, Keira? What answer would be enough for you to understand her continuing contact with Alfie?”
Keira frowned again, her plump mouth set in a soft pout. “I don’t think there is one.”
“Then Lola is in an impossible position.”
“Of her own making,” Keira clapped back.
Priya let silence hover over us, a tactical silence meant to test who would break cover first. Neither of us did. “Perhaps we should ask instead what you see in Alfie.”
“Me?” Keira’s brows raised so high I thought they might fly off her head.
“Yes, what do you see in him?”
“I see that he’s manipulative and unstable,” she snapped. My best friend's buttons were being thoroughly pushed. This session wasn’t going at all how I thought it would.
“Anything else?”
“I can see that he’s trying to change but it’s clearly not enough.” I couldn’t argue with that, she was right. It wasn’t enough. But I didn’t know what would be. “What do you see in him?” Keira asked, her dark eyes on Priya. “Is he crazy?”
“No, he isn’t crazy,” she answered calmly.
“Much of his behaviour is actually very typical of someone with his upbringing, though no doubt exacerbated by his remarkable intelligence. His lack of coping mechanisms, his narcissism, arrogance, his ability to manipulate, the emotional dysfunction. All of it I expected and can work with, in fact he’s made a great deal of progress dealing with those issues.
Where Alfie differs from most people is that he has one specific pressure point that concentrates all of his emotions, good and bad. ”
Her silence hung in the air once more, hovering over our heads until finally I said what we were all thinking.
“Me. I’m the pressure point.”
“That’s right. You bring out the best and worst in him, it seems.” She gave me a sympathetic smile.
I wondered if Alfie knew he did the same to me too, transforming me into the best and worst versions of myself.
Priya straightened, returning her gaze to Keira.
“You might wish to punish him, Keira, but I have no doubt he’s punishing himself enough for all of you.
All of that being said, I don’t condone what he’s done in the least.”
“Hence you giving him the boot?” Keira asked.
“Exactly.” She turned her attention to her notepad for a moment, her pen scratching across the page. I wondered how the news of what Alfie had done had affected her. She’d spent two years trying to fix him, this must have been a massive slap in the face.
“This isn’t your fault, you know. You didn’t fail him.”
She gave me a small smile. “Alfie told me you were very perceptive. You would have made a good therapist.”
“Not perceptive enough,” Keira muttered.
I didn’t answer, I didn’t see the point in arguing when she wasn’t exactly wrong. Of course, Priya’s all-seeing eyes didn’t miss the interaction.
“You blame Lola for Alfie’s actions?”
“It’s her fault he’s back in our lives.” She huffed, frustrated. “Why is he still in our lives? Make me understand, Lola.”
“I was just trying to find some peace for the both of us. Now, I guess I’m still trying to do that, I’m still trying to get closure, so I can move on. I get why you hate him. This session isn’t about making you like Alfie, it’s about making sure things are good between us.”
That’s what was most important to me right now.
Alfie’s visit this morning had stoked my anger but it had motivated me too and pushed things into perspective.
No matter what he’d done or what he would do, I refused to let history repeat itself.
I wouldn’t break again and I wouldn’t let my friendship with Keira fall apart.
“I love you, Lo, but I’m done arguing about Alfie Tell and his drama. At least you haven’t hacked your hair off like last time. You seem healthier, I’ll say that.”
“I am healthier and as much as I hate to admit it, he helped make me that way. He’s taught me to handle things in a better way, no fighting, no running.”
“Do you think you’ve taught him healthier ways of coping too?” Priya asked.
“Yes.” I thought about my ribbons around his wrist, about the way he slowed himself down before fighting. Not all of that was Priya’s work, I’d laid the foundation of that healing two and a half years ago. “We were actually good for each other sometimes.”
I don’t know why I struggled to say that outloud. As if admitting any good qualities about Alfie might bring me closer to forgiveness and forgiveness was just one step closer to getting hurt again.
“Keira, this isn’t about building a future with Alfie, I don’t know that we have that. It’s about healing. I cut him off the last time he hurt me and all it did was leave gaping wounds in both of us. I have to try.”
I wrapped my arms tight around my body, stifling the shiver that ran up my spine. These last few weeks had already helped me so much, which made this betrayal so much worse. We were so fucking close to getting it right. I missed him, missed the man I’d almost had.
“Sure,” Keira said, “but I don’t have to try with him. I won’t try to stop you seeing him but don’t expect me to make polite small talk with the freak that put cameras in my fucking home.”
I tried not to wince. She had every right to her pain. “I won’t. But you and me, we’re good?”
“We’re good.”
I smiled at my friend who had never once failed to come through when I really needed her. “Good. Maybe Priya can work with you and Damien next.”
She scowled at me, flipping me the bird.
“Lola, I admire your determination to heal from this but I wonder do you have any ideas about how you might do that?”
“No,” I shook my head, “but I’m sure Alfie does.”
“Oh, no doubt.” She was silent for a moment, thoughtful. “Have you considered looking at the images he saved of you over the years?”
My stomach turned over, a nauseous feeling crawling over my skin at just the thought of those pictures existing. “I’m hoping he got rid of them when he got rid of the cameras.”
“Actually, I asked him not to.” She raised a hand, calming the anger rising on my cheeks. “If you want to instruct him otherwise that’s your choice but I think looking at them could be useful for you. Healing, as you said.”
I tried not to scoff. Looking at those pictures was the last thing that would help me, they would only make me angrier. “I don’t want to see them.”
“That’s valid, but I wonder how it would feel to see yourself through his eyes. To see which images he saved and why.”
I frowned at her, wondering why that was important.
“Were they salacious ones of you taken during private moments? Perhaps his motivation was masochism and he saved pictures of you happy to hurt himself? Or did he rub his ego by saving images of you hurting over him?”
I scowled at the cooling cup of tea on the coffee table in front of me. I didn’t know the answers to those questions and I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
“Lo, she might have a point,” Keira said. I looked up to find her dark eyes unusually serious. She didn’t like this anymore than I did but if she approved then I would follow her lead.
“I’ll think about it.”
I lay in bed, fresh from a shower, the familiar sounds of Keira’s sewing machine soothing me through the walls. Despite how quiet a roommate Maia had been, I could feel her loss in the apartment. I missed her and the sting of that betrayal wouldn’t fade for a long time.
My phone buzzed next to me and I looked over to see Alfie’s name flashing on the screen. I sighed but answered anyway.
“Alfie, you need to let me breathe.”
“I know, but I wanted to tell you that I’ll be sending the car for you at 5am on Monday.”
The car? What car? I paused, confusion addling my brain. “Why? Where am I going?”
“Our trip to Dubai?”
I closed my eyes. I’d completely forgotten about that. “You really think I’d still want to go after all of this?”
“You’re going, Lo.” His tone was firm, that no nonsense ‘Mr Tell’ voice that told me I wasn’t getting out of this. “You can go on a different plane if you want and stay in a different hotel but you are going. I won’t let you compromise your work, not over my mistakes.”
I didn’t bother to fight the tears in my eyes. He was still making sure I kept my priorities straight, even when I was too blinded by pain to think clearly. “Fine. I’ll go.”
“Good.” He released a breath. “Would you like to fly commercial or would you rather accompany me on my plane? Either way I’m going to have a security team with you. Please don’t be difficult about that, given the recent media attention I?—”
“I get it,” I cut him off. I didn’t like it but I wasn’t about to risk my safety just to spite him. I hesitated, trying to decide whether to fly with or without him. Without him felt too much like running. “I’ll go with you.”
He was silent for a moment, no doubt surprised by my answer. “Are you certain?”
“No,” I answered honestly.
“Thank you, Lola.”
“I’m not doing it for you,” I snapped, not bothering to hide the bite in my tone. I took a breath, trying to release the tension this infuriating man had roiling in my gut. “I have to go to bed.”
“One more thing,” he said before I could hang up, “I thought you should know that Angie will be joining us on our trip.”
The roiling in my gut kicked up a notch. Angelina Carter, the woman wrapped up in Alfie’s darkest secrets. The woman who hated my existence with a fiery passion.
“Perfect. I can’t wait.”