Chapter 12
Twelve
Being on the set of a TV show was fascinating.
The cameras, the lights, the crew dashing about fixing or fetching one thing or another.
The contestants were evidently nervous, their hands fidgeting, eyes darting about unsure what to look at or where they should be.
These people weren't reality show veterans that knew how to play up for a camera, they were quiet, creative types like me and the stage was not our natural environment.
I had surprisingly little to do once filming began. Shots were taken of our dancing lady, the expressions of awe on the faces of the contestants were genuine and despite Imani getting all of the onscreen credit, I was still proud of my work.
I spent the first days of filming watching with avid curiosity as the contestants' creations developed. By Wednesday, it was time for Sid and I to begin work on our second piece. The theme of the second piece was nature and our elephant was quickly beginning to take form.
As I worked, every so often I noticed the nakedness of my finger. In the evening I slipped the ring on but during the day, it went back into its box and was safely hidden away in a locked desk drawer in my room.
I had been working myself up to call Keira or go and visit Natalie to give them the big news but so far, I hadn’t gotten the courage.
I needed to hurry though. Now that Alfies’ mother knew, it would only be a matter of time before it was out there.
I was surprised it hadn’t been exposed already but perhaps Carolyn had kept it to herself hoping that Alfie would get rid of me.
Since I’d started wearing the ring, butterflies had turned into bats and taken up permanent residence in my stomach. I didn’t know how you were supposed to feel when you looked at your engagement ring. Excited, sure.
I found myself wishing more and more that my mum was here. I was irrationally jealous of Alfie still having a mother, even if she wasn’t a good one. Was it better to have a good one you lost than a bad one that still lived?
The day drew to a close and I went up to my room to shower.
Scrubbing the dirt from my fingernails was a laborious process but I didn’t mind it.
I was sitting down to eat dinner alone, frustrated that Alfie had had to cancel our facetime dinner date, when my phone rang.
I smiled when I saw Natalie’s name pop up on the screen.
“Hey, I’m just eating dinner. What’s up?”
“Ummm…” My sister sounded nervous.
I put my fork down, alarm bells ringing. “What? What's wrong? Is Ryan okay?”
“He’s fine. Listen…can you come over?”
“Right now? Yeah, of course. What’s happening? Are you okay?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m okay.” Her voice cracked and she lowered it to a whisper. “Dad’s here.”
I sat there for what felt like an eternity before I could finally speak. “What?”
“Our father. He’s here. He wants to see you.”
John O’Connell hadn’t given me much in life besides abandonment issues and red hair. I had almost no memory of this man yet as soon as I saw him, I knew him.
He sat at the dining table as if he’d never left it. Leaning back in the chair with none of the guilt of a man who had abandoned his children.
His once red hair was now a blonde-grey colour, his skin worn by time and perhaps drink as well. He was neat and clean but he clearly hadn’t left us for a life of luxury. That gave me a twinge of pleasure that I immediately felt guilty for.
He smiled when he saw me, a charming smile. Despite his age, I could see why my mum had fallen for him.
He stood. “Lola, it’s good to see you. How are you, my girl?”
My girl.
Those two words evoked a core memory in my inner child. She remembered those words. Good night, my girl. Sleep well, my girl. Happy birthday, my girl.
Don’t cry. Do not fucking cry.
I looked at Natalie. “He shouldn’t be in here.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.” She looked helpless and closer to tears than I was. “Riley has taken Ryan out for McDonalds so we can talk.”
I turned back to my father. “You shouldn’t be here. This is our house, my mum’s and gran’s. You don’t get to be here.”
My gran would turn over in her grave if she saw the man that abandoned her daughter and granddaughter sitting large at her dining table. My mum…I didn’t know what she’d think. It felt like a betrayal to their memories to have him here.
“That’s fair,” he said but made no move to leave.
“What do you want?”
“To make amends if I can. I’m very sorry for all I’ve put the both of you through. I’m a shit father, I know that.”
There was an awkward silence as neither Natalie nor I tried to disagree with him. I felt sick, my arms folded and hands clenched into fists. I wanted to scream at him. Where the hell have you been? Didn’t you know how much we needed you? But I kept it all locked inside.
“I’m not expecting anything, I’ll leave the ball in your court. I’m just glad to see you’ve both grown up so well. My eldest is engaged now and I hear you have a man too? I’m happy for you both.” He beamed. I wanted to slap the smile off his face.
I said nothing. Natalie looked away, her arms wrapped around her middle as she looked anywhere but us.
John’s smile faltered a little. “Well, I’ve met Riley and he seems like a decent man. Irish too, so he has that going for him.” He attempted a laugh that neither of us returned. “What about yours? Does he treat you well?”
“Well, he wouldn’t abandon me or our children so…better than you treated our mothers.”
“Lo…” Natalie whispered.
“No, I deserve that.” He nodded with a kind of humility that filled me with rage. “I knew you’d give me a harder time. You always were a bit of a firework.”
“Like you said, you deserve it.”
“I do. I didn’t come here to cause trouble between you both.
Honestly, I didn’t even know until recently that you knew each other.
I'm happy you do, seeing the two of you together…” His eyes shone with tears that I refused to let soften me.
“I heard about your mothers death through the grapevine. I’m so sorry for that. ”
“Not sorry enough to come back. Not even when my gran was gone and I had nobody. She wouldn’t want you here. In her house. At her table.”
He gave a wry laugh. “No doubt. She hated me.”
“With good reason.”
“Aye. I’m not here for anything, Lola. I just wanted to know you. Both of you. I tried to be a good parent but I…well, I had things to deal with. Personal things.”
My face felt hot, my dress too tight. My chest hurt with the conflict I felt. I was angry that he could do this and just walk back in like nothing had changed. I was angry that despite everything, there was still a four year old girl inside me that desperately wanted her father back.
“And now you’re all better you want back in?”
“Lola…” Natalie pleaded with me again.
“No, that’s a fair question. I’m not all better.
The hard truth is that I’ve always been a drinker and it’s taken me a long time to get sober.
I’m not telling you that to guilt either of you, I just don't want any secrets. I don't want to go leaving anything unsaid. I love you both and I’m sorry I couldn’t do better by you. ”
He stood then and as he walked by me, the familiar scent of cigarettes filled my nose.
The front door closed behind him and Natalie burst into tears.
I wrapped my arms around her and she held onto me tight, crying deep gut-wrenching sobs.
My tears didn’t come. They wouldn’t. They seemed too scared to come.
Maia didn’t ask any questions when I got into the car. Only drove us back to Harrington in silence. In my room, I paced. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go out to the gardens but it was dark and Alfie would have a fit.
Alfie.
I eyed my phone on the table, desperate to speak to him.
He had a big event tonight. A merger or some other thing in Paris that I didn’t understand at all.
And I was a big girl, I could handle this on my own.
Yet I couldn’t sit still. My father was back.
More than twenty years and he was back. I could have a parent again.
No, I couldn’t.
I couldn’t trust him.
I wanted to cry. My heart was beating so fast, my stomach turning over and over. The tears just wouldn’t come.
Deciding to hell with it, I picked up my phone. I just needed to hear Alfie’s voice for a moment. I wouldn’t tell him what had happened, I didn’t want to worry him, I just needed to hear his voice.
He answered on the second ring. I could hear voices in the background, important official voices that told me he was at an event, probably wearing a tux worth more than my salary.
“I’m missing you,” he said immediately.
I melted into a chair. I closed my eyes, basking in the sound of his voice. “Me too. How’s work?”
“Boring. Tell me about your day, I don’t want to talk about mine.”
“Oh, my day was fine. Um…Sid and I started on the elephant today. We finally got the rest of our shipment in…so we could start it. It’s going really well.”
He was quiet for a moment. “What’s wrong?”
I’m fine. Say you’re fine. Don’t make him worry. Don’t ruin his trip.
“Nothing. I just miss you.”
There was another pause that seemed like it lasted forever. “Please don’t lie to me, Lola.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and told him the truth. “I need you.”
“I’ll be there by morning.”