Chapter 21
Twenty-One
The next week the world came back with a bang and brought my old ghosts with it.
John O’Connell sat across from me, his frame filling the dainty, white chair he sat in. His pale complexion reddened under the summer sun, I’m sure my own looked the same. His hands fidgeted until he placed them out of sight under the table, where I was sure they continued to twist.
I sat across from him in silence. I wouldn’t speak first. There was a kind of pleasure in letting him sweat. My hands clenched into fists in my own lap. My jaw tightened.
I could feel Maia’s gaze on me, watching from the house.
Under Alfie’s observation, I’d called my father and asked him to have lunch with me this week and he’d gratefully accepted.
I hadn’t been certain about seeing him when I asked and I was less certain now.
Still, the back patio of Harrington seemed like a safe place to have whatever this conversation would turn into.
Maybe I’d cry, maybe I’d flip the table and throw the tea set at him.
In the distance I could hear work continuing on, some inside the house, some on set for the show. But here, here it was painfully silent. I hated him. I hated him so much.
“I…uh…I’m not surprised you turned out green-fingered.
Your mother was a magician in the garden.
” He gave me a tentative smile. I hated looking at him.
All I could see was my own eyes. “I googled you, I hope you don’t mind.
I saw that sculpture you made for the show?
There was a picture of you next to it, you had a rosette. ”
“The Chelsea flower show?”
“Yeah, you made a sculpture out of flowers...I didn't know you could do something like that. You’re very talented. You don’t get that from me.” He gave a short laugh, obviously trying to lighten the mood.
“I know.” I had no idea what I got from him. Except from my looks.
He sighed. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here, Lola. You said you wanted to see me—”
“I said I was willing to see you. Big difference.”
“Fair enough.” He ran a hand over his chin. “I’ve always been good at leaving, never very good at staying. I really don’t expect you to forgive me, you know. If you just want to get some answers and then never speak to me again, I understand.”
I wished it was that easy. What questions were you supposed to ask when none of the answers would make you feel any better?
“How could you just leave?” The question was out before I could stop it. Twenty seven year old me didn’t have questions, but four year old me did.
“Because I wasn’t good enough to stay. I know that doesn’t make sense to you.”
He was right, it didn’t make sense. It sounded like bullshit. “Why don’t you just say you were being selfish?”
“Alright, I was being selfish.” He held up his hands. “I left because it was easier. I’ve done that my whole life, picked the easiest option and it’s made me a regretful old man.”
“Natalie will forgive you.” From the way she talked, she’d already forgiven him.
“Maybe, but I’ll never get that time back. I’ll never undo the damage.” He studied me. Not with x-ray vision like Alfie but like a half-blind man that could barely make out my face. “I want to be a part of your life in whatever way works for you.”
“What if no way works for me?”
“Then I’ll accept that. I knew you’d be the tougher sell. Your sister was always softer than you.”
“I was four when you left. Don’t act like you know who I am.” I could see my words stung. I hated that I cared. “Did you love my mother?”
“Very much. I loved Natalie’s mother too but that relationship drowned me. I should have treated her better than just upping and leaving but here we are. I arrived in England, met Judith and she was just beautiful…a beautiful, sweet woman. She made me happy.”
“Then why leave?” My voice broke, betraying my pain and I cursed myself for it.
“I’ve got some demons, Lola. I wasn’t always good to be around. I tried to suppress it because I wanted to be with your mum and with you, but my head was a mess. I was always pushing your mum away, drinking too much, cheating on her—”
“You cheated?” A fresh wave of anger washed over me.
“I’m not surprised she didn’t tell you. She wouldn’t have wanted you to think badly of me.
Yes, I cheated, trying to get her to give up but she wouldn’t quit me, said I needed help.
Which I did. I couldn’t see it twenty years ago so I quit her instead.
I felt like I was doing you both a favour by staying away. ”
I looked at my father. As hurt as I was, he seemed to be telling the truth. That just made this all the harder. It was pointless to be angry with someone who was already punishing themselves.
“Why didn’t you get help back then?”
“Different decade, Lola. Different culture. I didn’t grow up with…what do they call it? Mental health awareness? Therapy was for broken people, a shameful thing.”
“And now?”
“Now, I’m…I can’t say I’m fixed but I’m better. I’m sober, stable, no more gambling. I wish I had anything to offer my girls but my hands are empty. All I can offer is an apology and a promise to do right from now on.”
“And all you want in return is?”
“Just to know you. Be a part of your life in whatever way.”
I raised a sceptical brow. “Not money? You know who my fiance is.”
John glanced up at Harrington house, as if Alfie was about to stride out the back door any moment.
“Yes, I know who he is but I don’t know much. Natalie says you met him through work?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Yes but you didn’t answer my question.”
“Money isn’t why I’m here, Lola. Between my troubles with drink and gambling, having a lot of money probably wouldn’t be good for me. You and your sister are all I want.”
Lie. I wanted him to lie. It would all be so much easier.
I’d hoped he wouldn’t show up today so I could say I told you so.
I’d hoped he’d be drunk, or rude, or refuse to take accountability.
I’d hoped he’d ask for money, or seem hungry for it.
That’s why I’d chosen to meet him here, at Harrington.
Flaunt Alfie’s wealth in his face and see how he responded, see if it made him hungry.
It didn’t seem to. He only seemed interested in me.
“I need to think.” I needed to talk to Alfie.
“Would you like me to go?”
“Yes.” I could make an excuse, say I had to get back to work but I didn’t owe him excuses. He might be sorry for what he’d done, but I didn’t need to prioritise his feelings right now.
“Lola, I love you very much. I just wanted to say it, just in case this is the last time I see you.” He smiled to himself. “I never liked the name, you know. Lola. Your mother said it suited you.”
“She was right. It does suit me.”
“Aye, it’s grown on me.” He stood, his chair scraping on the stone. “You take care of yourself. Be careful with that man of yours.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“He’s a powerful man. Just be careful.”
He was gone before I could retort.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and let myself cry. I didn’t know what I’d hoped to get from seeing him. Somehow I felt both better and worse.
A box of tissues appeared in front of me, accompanied by Maia’s gentle smile.
“You can sit,” I offered as she started to back away. She took the seat my father had just vacated. She seemed so small in it compared to him.
I hadn’t told her yet that I’d seen her at the club with Eli and I felt guilty having information about her that she didn’t know I had. The irony wasn’t lost on me. I wasn’t sure that I was allowed to mention it though. Club rules and all.
“Was it as awful as it looked?” she asked.
“I don’t know. How much did you hear?”
“None of it. I just watched.”
“Drinking and gambling and mental health bullshit. That’s why he’s been gone. It’s all so pedestrian, so predictable.” She didn’t respond, only nodded. “Did you know that Alfie knew where he was all this time?”
“Yes. I also know we never dug that deep into him. Perhaps we should have.”
I looked away from her, trying not to let my anger show.
I’d talked to her about my father, when we lived together before I knew who she really was.
I’d confided in her that my father had abandoned me and I didn’t know where he was.
That I worried and wondered if he was dead.
She’d known the truth and had said nothing. Because it was her job.
I heaved a sigh. I felt like I had too many emotions for one person to handle.
“My mother was a gambler,” she said, breaking the silence.
“That’s why you took the job spying on me? You needed money to pay off her debts?”
“Yeah. She owed money to some unpleasant people. The type that don’t send written warnings, they just show up and break your ankles.”
“And the debt? Do you need help still? I can ask Alfie—”
“Paid off. I don’t do charity. Mum's dead now so no more debt coming.”
“I’m sorry.”
Maia shrugged. “Parents will fuck you up if you let them. You should be careful about your father.”
“You don’t think I should let him be a part of my life?”
“I think that addicts are predictably unpredictable. I think they’re incredible liars and I think your father probably isn’t telling you the whole truth.”
I’d felt as much myself. He was holding a lot back.
“How do I find out what he’s hiding?”
“Talk to Elliot, talk to Mr Tell. You have resources at your fingertips now. Use them.” With that, she left me alone, disappearing inside.
I looked down at my half-empty cup of tea. As gross as it made me feel to snoop on my father, I was starting to think she might be making a good point. Why should I go in blind if I didn’t have to?
I stood, wiping my face clear of the tears that hadn’t fallen yet. I still had the rest of the day to get through and I wasn’t about to let my Daddy Drama ruin it.
“Lola?” Oh fuck. My heart sank at the sound of the sharp voice. I’d managed to avoid Julia over the last few days. She stayed in her work space on set and I stayed in mine with Sid and the sculptures.
I turned to see her striding across the patio towards me. I suddenly became very aware that we were alone. Well, no one from work was here anyway. Maia had returned inside but was never very far from me.
“Julia, what can I do for you? I haven’t gone over my lunch break and I’m heading back to work now.”
“Oh no, it’s not that,” she smiled, all friendliness. “I just wanted to clear the air, apologise for everything. My behaviour was out of line.”
I opened my mouth to do the ‘polite’ thing and say that it was fine and not to worry about it, then I thought about what Alfie would do and instead I let him rub off on me a bit.
“Yes, it was out of line. Thank you for the apology. Please excuse me, I have work to do.” I attempted to move past her but she stepped with me, preventing me from leaving.
Alarm bells began to ring. My eyes darted around searching for someone, anyone nearby.
Over Julia’s shoulder, I spotted Maia, watching from the kitchen window.
Waiting. She was waiting for a reason to step in, treading the line between keeping me safe and not wanting to interfere in a conversation with my boss.
I wondered how much use she would be if Julia actually tried to hurt me, then I realised how stupid that was. Elliot wouldn’t have hired her just for aesthetics.
“I wanted to ask you, if you would speak to Mr Tell about re-invoking my membership?” She had to be kidding but from the earnest look on her face, apparently she wasn’t. “I feel that this has all been a misunderstanding that I’m sure we can get past.”
“Club business isn’t my business. You will have to speak to Mr Tell yourself or Mr Marx. Breaching the rules again by once again approaching me about this in a professional space is not the way to go about it.”
“I understand but I’m desperate. You see, it’s not just the Never Tell Club I’ve been removed from. This whole thing has gotten out of hand…” she trailed off, twisting her hands in a distressed manner that I wasn’t sure I trusted.
“You’re a member of other…clubs?”
“Oh yes. Quite a few. The lifestyle is very important to me. So you see, you must understand…”
“I understand that you’ve been a part of this world long enough to know the rules. I’m also guessing that I’m not the first person you’ve tried to cross boundaries with.”
She narrowed her eyes at me, the mask starting to slip now that she realised she wasn’t getting her way.
“Julia, you still have a job because of me, because I told Alfie not to fire you. Instead of asking me for another favour, maybe you should try thanking me for the one I’ve already done for you.” This time I pushed past her with more force. She grabbed my arm and yanked me to her.
“Bitch,” she spat. “I’ve been punishing girls like you my whole—”
Suddenly, she was pulled away from me. Maia twisted her arm behind her back and threw her over the table. Tea spilled, scalding her arm and making her yell. Maia had her wrist in some kind of hold that had Julia writhing and gritting her teeth.
“Let her go,” I told her. I didn’t want anyone else to hear the commotion and come running. Maia did as I asked but not before putting herself between us.
Julia stood up, red-faced, clutching her wrist. “Who’s this? Your bodyguard?”
“Yes. She works for Mr Tell.” I watched her face drop as that sunk in.
“I think it would be a good idea for you to let the crew know you’re feeling unwell and going home for the day.
You can come back tomorrow when you’re feeling better.
Or I can have security escort you from the property. It’s up to you.”
Julia glared daggers at me then turned on her heel and marched away.
I released a breath, my heart hammering with adrenaline now that she was gone. “Is this a rich people thing?” I asked no one in particular. “They hear the word no and just lose their fucking minds?”
I stormed off back to work and this time Maia followed me.
I hoped that would be the last time Julia would cause trouble but from the look she’d given me, that was probably wishful thinking.