Chapter 43 #2
“Then maybe you shouldn’t now.” I’d had a wonderful time and I didn’t want the memory of this day ruined by him.
He nodded, looking at his shoes for a moment.
“The thing is, I’m not sure that we’ll be seeing each other again, will we?
” He looked back up at me. “At least, not outside of being civil at Ryan's birthday or Christmas or whatever. I don’t want you to feel tension every time you have to be around me.” I folded my arms, not trusting myself to say anything.
“I’m so sorry you got hurt because of my past. I’m sorry for it being my fault. ”
“It’s done. Alfie’s taking care of me.”
“Aye. He really loves you, I can see that now.” He put his hands in his pockets, silent for a moment. “I want you to know that I really didn’t come back here for money.”
“If you’re going to lie to me, don’t bother. My BS detector has gotten really good lately.”
“I’m not lying.” He looked me straight in the eye. “I came for you. To check up on you. I saw a picture of you with him online and I learned about the kind of man he is…or was. I was worried about you. That’s why I came.”
“Well, now you know. You don’t need to be worried. Is that all?”
“No.” He swallowed. My hands clenched into fists.
Every second I stood here I was another second closer to tears and I did not want to cry in front of this man.
“I need to tell you something. I hadn’t planned to tell you but now I’m so tired of secrets.
I’ve kept so many, thinking that the people I loved would be safer that way but all it seems to do is cause more harm.
” He closed his eyes, seeming to summon his nerves from somewhere.
“It wasn’t random,” he said finally. “The man that I went to prison for attacking. I know that you know about it. I know you’ve been told one version of events.
That I got into a drunken brawl and beat someone half to death because I’m a mindless, violent thug.
It might occur to you that the person feeding your friend Elliot information about me isn’t exactly my biggest fan. ”
“Honestly, John, your prison record hasn’t exactly been at the top of my things to worry about recently.”
My father looked at me with my own blue eyes, studying me as if he knew I was lying. I’d thought about him far more than I wanted to admit.
“His name was Duncan Bowers.”
I froze. I knew the name. I’d buried it a long time ago. Never uttered it. There was never any point.
“Duncan Bowers,” I repeated, my voice cracking over the name.
“Aye. The drunk driver who killed your mother.”
My legs felt like they were going to buckle. I sat, the couch rushing up to meet me. He came to help me but I put up a hand. The room was spinning. I reached for my necklace, holding onto it until my heart started to slow again.
“I don’t understand. Why would you do this? You left us.”
“Not really, Lola. I had to leave your life because the Berne family wouldn’t leave me alone, but I kept an eye on both of you.
I sent money when I could. Then I found out your mother had been killed…
” his voice faded away, he cleared his throat.
“I didn’t do anything at first. I tried to leave the life I was in, told them you needed me but they wouldn’t let me go without trouble and I didn’t want to bring trouble to you.
I tried to send money to your gran but she told me to go to hell.
Then I found out Duncan Bowers wasn’t even getting a custodial sentence.
Let off on a technicality. One of your mothers headlights was broken so apparently it was her fault he was blind drunk driving 50 in a 30 zone. ”
I closed my eyes, old waves of bitterness flowing over me.
“I used my connections to get his name and address. On the night I was supposed to be supervising a drop, I went to his house instead. I waited for the right moment and when he came outside to put his bins out on the pavement, I beat him bloody. Beat him until he couldn’t see.
Beat him until the bones in my hands broke.
I didn’t care anymore about what happened to me.
After your mother…I just didn’t care anymore. ”
“Why doesn’t Elliot know this? Your record…”
“It didn’t come up in court. I didn’t say who he was to me or try to use it as a defence. He isn’t listed as having killed your mother, not officially and she and I weren’t married anymore. Nobody made the connection.”
I sat there, trying to process what he was telling me. Could it really be true?
“I did the time and I didn’t mind it. Prison was probably the best place for me.
Eight years. Easy day. But I hated myself for failing you and Natalie.
She was alright, I told myself. She had her mother and a lot of family but you, you only had your gran.
She was dead by the time I got out and you were thriving without me.
I was homeless, a drunk, wanted by the Bernes for how much money I’d cost them.
I thought it would be better if I just stayed away. ”
I looked at him, studying his face like I did Alfie’s. For the life of me I couldn’t see a lie anywhere. “You really checked in on us?”
“Your mum never gave you a succulent on your birthday. That was me. I’d leave one of the doorstep before anyone was awake and she’d pretend it was from her.”
My chest tightened, tears welled in my eyes and I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop them.
“That’s why they stopped after she died.”
He nodded and this time, I didn’t stop him from wrapping his arms around me. “I love you so much, Little Lo. I won’t leave you again, I promise.”