Chapter 18 - Jensen
—
Jensen
No matter how hard I gripped the steering wheel, I couldn’t fight the overwhelming desire to be closer to Callie, to touch her again. I’d thrown the truck in park and reached for her, desperate to feel again what I felt out on the dance floor.
Kissing her now feels like I’ve been thirsty my whole life and finally, finally I’ve found a source of water.
Cradling the back of her head with my hands, I slant my mouth over hers, claiming it without hesitation.
Callie’s lips match the near wild rhythm of mine, and her fingertips dig into my biceps as she clings to me.
Perfume, light and floral, floods my nostrils, and I can’t stop the sound that rumbles in my throat. The smell of her combined with the taste of her kiss and the feel of her soft skin underneath my hands—it’s almost too much, this feeling of needing someone, needing her .
Callie’s mouth opens and I sweep my tongue inside, deepening our kiss. It’s everything I’ve been desperate for these past few weeks despite trying to fight it and everything I know I shouldn’t want but do.
Heat surges through my entire body. The shadows that keep me numb are as cold as the darkness that creeps in from my nightmares, but with Callie in my arms, I feel so blissfully warm .
I never want it to end, but when a semi-truck flies by, the sound shakes the cab of the truck and startles us apart.
We jump back, both wide-eyed and breathless.
Callie’s rosy pink lips are slightly swollen and her hair is mussed, but her eyes are bright.
She’s never looked more amazing than she does right now.
“You’re beautiful.” The words come out as a whisper, surprising us both.
“Thank you.” She brushes a few loose strands of hair out of her face, tucking them behind her ear like she needs something to do with her hands.
“You’re welcome.”
Silence—just a few seconds too long—fills the cab. It’s the kind of silence that you want to break but don’t know how.
My mind spins in a dozen directions as I watch Callie settle back into her seat, annoyance flaring up in my chest. There’s entirely too much distance between us now thanks to the spacious cab.
I could push the center console up and have her ride in the middle seat right next to me, but I’m not brave enough to ask.
So, I focus on easing the truck back on the road, keeping my eyes trained on the white lines.
I didn’t plan for this to happen when I decided to show up at the dance hall. I mean, I was definitely motivated by the thought of other men being on the receiving end of one of her smiles, but I didn’t expect to leave with her. I certainly didn’t expect to kiss her like that.
Back at the Thirsty Horse, holding Callie, laughing with her, and spinning her around to the music had felt like the most natural thing in the world. Kissing her just now felt like coming home—and I have no idea what to do with that.
I’d meant what I said back at the auto shop. I want us to start over, to be friends. But how in the world am I going to be just friends with this woman when being near her, when kissing her makes me come alive?
Maybe you should stop being a chicken shit and just go for it.
It’s Kase’s easy drawl that I hear, the memory of his infamous smirk that comes to mind.
I almost roll my eyes, but then a pang of sadness catches me in the chest. Because it’s not really Kasey’s voice, and he’s not here to give me advice, much as I might need it.
“Hey, Jensen? Can I ask you a question?” There’s a catch in Callie’s voice that pulls me from my thoughts.
We’re almost home now, so I nod as I turn down the dirt road that leads to the farmhouse. “Of course.”
I wait for her to ask whatever is on her mind, but there’s only silence in the cab. When I look over, she’s chewing on the corner of her lip, her brows drawn tight, and she’s got a small piece of thread that she keeps twisting and untwisting around her finger. She looks as unsettled as I feel.
“Callie?” I gently prompt as we pass the farmhouse and head down the lane that leads to the RVs. She doesn’t answer, and once I’ve parked the truck in front of the Airstream, I turn off the ignition and face her, giving her my full attention.
She lets out a sigh. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“Whatever it is, just ask.”
“How come you came to the dance hall tonight?” The words tumble out of her mouth in a rush.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that you did.
I’m just a little confused.” She pauses, swallowing before lifting her chin.
“I know we said earlier that we were going to be friends, but what happened back there doesn’t feel like friendship. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but—”
“It’s not,” I assure her, needing her to understand even though I’m not sure how to put it into words.
“It’s not just you.” I let out a low breath.
“I probably shouldn’t have, but I came to the dance hall tonight because I knew you were going to be there.
I was sitting at home thinking about you, and before I knew it, I was putting my shoes on and getting in the truck. ”
Callie studies me, her eyes searching mine. “But what does that mean?”
I rub at the back of my neck as I look away for a second and then back at her. She deserves the truth, even if it guts me to say it.
“It means that I want you,” I admit, voice low. “More than I should. But I can’t—” I shake my head, the words catching. “I can’t let this be any more than that.”
Part of me wants to stop there, but I know I have to tell her the whole story. “And you deserve to know why.” I take another deep breath and let it out slowly. “Four years ago, my life as I knew it ended.”
“Kasey?” Her voice is gentle, almost hesitant, like she’s worried she’ll hurt me by bringing him up.
I nod. “That’s part of it, of course. Losing my best friend was .
. . is . . . one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, but it’s more than just that.
” I take another deep breath, already feeling the familiar ache in my chest begin to grow, sprouting claws.
“Four years ago, just a few weeks after Kasey died, my wife left me.”
Callie stills beside me, and I hear her sharp intake of breath.
“Her name is Anna, and I foolishly believed we’d be together forever.
But loving her like I did wasn’t enough to make her happy, to make her stay.
When she left, it felt like a bomb had exploded in my life, shattering my entire world into pieces.
It’s taken me a very long time to put things back together again, and if I’m being honest, even now, there are still pieces missing. ”
It’s not the whole story, but it’s more than I’ve admitted to anyone in a long time, and I begin to tremble, my body reacting viscerally to the words.
I’ve spent so long trying to cleanse the poison of that pain, but there are still times when I feel my systems shutting down, when my body can’t fight the poison, when it threatens to choke the life right out of me.
Callie reaches for my hand, her fingers tightening around mine. “Oh God, Jensen. I can’t even imagine. I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you.” I give her hand a squeeze. “It is what it is, I guess. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m not whole, Callie.
I don’t know if I ever will be again. But from the moment I met you on the day of the photoshoot, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
I’ve tried to keep my distance, tried to convince myself that whatever it was I felt around you would pass, but it never did.
Which frustrated me to no end.” I give her a pointed look.
“I’m truly sorry again for my behavior these last few weeks.
It wasn’t anything you did. I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t get you out of my head. ”
“You already apologized for that.”
“I know, but I am sorry. I think you’re an amazing woman.
All I’ve wanted since we met is to be near you, but I’m not in a position to be close to anyone—I don’t even know if I can.
All I know is that when I was sitting at home tonight, imagining you out there on the dance floor, I realized the only man’s hands I wanted on you were mine. So, I got in my truck.”
I sink back against the seat, my eyes on Callie as she processes everything that I’ve thrown at her. I can see understanding on her face, but there’s something else too, something I don’t know how to decipher.
“I get it,” she says, her voice steady. “I can’t stop thinking about you either.
I wanted to believe that it was a fluke, some weird side effect of the photoshoot or something, but I feel a connection to you that I haven’t felt in a long time, maybe ever.
But . . . ” she trails off, straightening her shoulders.
“I don’t need complications in my life right now. Not after Adam.”
“So, we’re on the same page then?”
“Yeah, I guess so, but what exactly does that mean? We just go on pretending that we aren’t attracted to each other?”
My pulse spikes at the admission that she’s as drawn to me as I am to her, but I keep my face neutral.
“No, I don’t think we have to take it that far, we just keep it casual.
” The words come out sounding steady and confident, like I’ve got this whole thing figured out, but there’s a part of me that recoils at the word.
Casual . How is that even possible when just a smile from this woman completely unravels me?
This is the way it has to be, I tell myself, ignoring the sharp twist of my stomach .
Kasey snorts in my head. You sure about that, Shep? I ignore him.
“Casual,” Callie repeats, more to herself than to me. “I think I can do casual. Just two friends who enjoy each other’s company. Easy and uncomplicated.”
“Exactly.” I should be relieved that we’ve laid it out on the table, but I feel far from settled. This is the way it has to be, I repeat.
Callie opens her mouth to say something, but then shuts it quickly, offering me a smile as she reaches for the door handle. “Well, I think I’m going to head inside. Thanks for bringing me home.”
“Anytime,” I tell her, though there are a dozen other things I want to say on the tip of my tongue.
I watch her walk to the door of the RV, the golden light from the porch catching in her hair for a moment before she gives me a small wave and disappears inside.
I don’t drive away immediately. I just sit there, my hands on the steering wheel, eyes glued to the front door, like I expect it to open again. It doesn’t.
Which is probably a good thing because I don’t know what I’d do if it did.
“Just friends,” I murmur, as I crank the truck and point it toward home. “We just keep it casual.”
You know this is a bad idea, right? Kasey’s voice is loud enough that I wince.
I don’t answer him.