Chapter 10
‘Paris? Really?’ Sasha sat heavily on the sofa in the flat I rented at the end of the Jubilee line when we sold the family home in Surrey. This way, I was within easy reach of Sasha and also of the museums in London.
‘It’s just a thought at the moment.’
‘But obviously one you’re taking seriously.’
I gave a sort of shrug and sat down next to her. ‘Maybe.’
‘Wow. I mean… if that’s what you want, then, of course.
I just… from what you’ve said…’ She rubbed her temple with her ring finger like she always did when she was figuring something out.
‘Whenever I asked about it, you’ve never said a lot.
But you’ve also never shown any interest in going back to visit. Like ever.’
‘I know. And you’re right. I didn’t think I would.’
‘Mum?’
‘Yes?’
‘You didn’t just get homesick, did you? In Paris, I mean.
’ She straightened and looked at me, my own special mix of blue with hazel reflected back in hers.
‘I’ve never really pushed it because, honestly, it’s always felt like you didn’t want to talk about it, but from the bits you have said, the photos I’ve seen, it looked like you were living the dream and absolutely loving it. ’
I took her hand. ‘I was. And I’m sorry you never felt that you could ask more. I should have told you a long time ago.’
Her hands flew to her mouth, eyes opening wide in a mixture of panic and shock. ‘OhmyGod! Is Dad not my dad?’
‘Yes!’
Her eyes widened even more.
‘I mean, no!’
‘What?’ she squeaked.
I took a breath. ‘Your dad is very much your dad. In every way, including biologically.’
‘OK. OK.’ Sash moved her hands down to her chest and her breathing began to regulate again. ‘Sorry. I mean, I know this is about you but when you said…’
‘It’s fine. I’m sorry I scared you.’
With the ability of the young, she waved it off, already well on the way to recovery. ‘So what is it you need to tell me?’
‘I don’t need to tell you anything. But I’d like to tell you about Paris. All of it. If you want.’
‘Really?’ A tentative but wide smile broke on her face.
‘Maybe then you’ll understand.’
She frowned briefly but kept the questions to herself for the moment.
I knew that my curious, intelligent daughter would have many for me later and where once that would have filled me with dread and stress, I found that now, after pouring everything out to Ashok after so many years of keeping it all buried inside, it no longer did.
Another chapter of my life had recently ended and now perhaps it was time to go back and revisit the previous one that had been cut short so long ago.
‘Shall we order a takeaway?’
Sash was already picking up her phone. ‘What do you fancy?’
‘French.’
* * *
‘And you never heard from him again?’ Sash asked as she poured a glass of the white wine she’d brought with her earlier.
‘Nope. Although, of course, back then there wasn’t all the different methods of communication like there are now. No social media and mobiles were still ridiculously expensive so we didn’t all have one like today. You either had someone’s landline and/or their address but that was pretty much it.’
‘And did he have either of those?’
I shook my head. ‘There hadn’t been any need at the time. He knew I lived on the south coast but that was about it, as far as I can remember. We both thought we had plenty of time for all that. He knew my address and phone number in Paris and that was enough.’
‘So, what happened exactly? Why did you leave?’
I let out a sigh. ‘I met his parents.’
‘Oh! So you got to the “meet the parents” stage?’
‘No, not really. We hadn’t even thought about anything like that. We were just young, enjoying ourselves, thinking we had all the time in the world. But then his parents turned up in Paris unexpectedly. Tomas cancelled the plans we had that day, and to be honest, I didn’t think anything of it.’
Sasha took a sip of the wine and tucked her feet up underneath her, watching me.
‘The next day, he called and said that his parents wanted to meet me and had booked a table for that evening at what I knew was quite a swanky restaurant. Naively, I thought this was all rather exciting. I was a bit nervous, obviously, but it wasn’t until I spoke to Gabby, Tomas’s sister, who was a good friend.
’ I paused for a moment as I thought of her, sadness clouding the memory.
‘My best friend, actually. It was talking to her that gave me the inkling that something was up.’
‘Oh? What did she say?’
‘It was more what she didn’t, really. She offered to come round and help me choose what to wear.
I was pretty confident in those days but it was still “Meeting the Parents”.
When Gabs arrived, she was dressed very soberly, which was unusual for her.
Did I tell you we were studying fashion together there? ’
Sash shook her head.
‘Right, sorry. That’s how I’d met Tomas.
He was a few years older than us but he and Gabby were close so he often came along when we got together.
He’d taken a few years off from studying to travel and was now at university too, studying business.
Anyway, after flicking through my wardrobe and apparently coming up empty, Gabs pulled out a very conservative, knee-length, black dress from her bag.
’ I caught a glance at my daughter. ‘I know what you’re thinking, that sounds exactly like something I’d wear, and you’re right.
It is now, but back then, I was far more adventurous. In lots of ways.’
‘Oh, God, too much info, Mum!’ she cried, putting her hands over her ears as she laughed.
‘Not like that.’ I batted her gently. ‘Although…’ I placed my finger on my chin in a thoughtful manner.
‘Mum!’
I gave her a wink. ‘Anyway! I wore what Gabby suggested and we went together to the restaurant to meet Tomas and his parents.’
‘He didn’t come to pick you up?’
‘No, which was also strange. He was always such a gentleman about things like that. I was a bit miffed, to be honest. I asked Gabby about it and she just did one of those Gallic shrugs that sometimes said everything and other times, nothing at all. I think in this case, it was a bit of both.’
‘So what happened when you got to the restaurant?’
‘Tomas kissed me on the cheek, which was weird for a start. He was so subdued, and dressed in a suit, which I’d never seen him in. His style was far more casual and artistic. Although, I have to say, he looked good!’
‘Do you have any photos?’
‘No. Not now.’ I shook my head, feeling the sadness wash around me. ‘I tore up every single one we’d taken together and sent the pieces back to him. Probably a little dramatic but I had been living in Paris for a while by then so…’
‘Picked up a little dramatic flair?’
‘Apparently. Do you really want to hear all this? It was all such a long time ago.’
‘I do, Mum. Really. It was obviously something, and someone, important to you. I want to know it all, especially if you’re thinking of going back.’
‘I wouldn’t be going back for him. That’s all past now.’
‘Did you keep in touch with his sister?’
‘Gabby? No. And that’s my biggest regret.
We were such good friends, the best, and I know she wanted to.
I wanted to. But at the time, I just couldn’t.
When I saw her, spoke to her, all I could think of was Tomas, which probably made me a horrible friend.
She said she understood but I know she was terribly hurt. ’
‘It sounds like it was a difficult situation for both of you and she was stuck in the middle between her brother and you.’
‘She really was.’
‘So what happened at the restaurant? With his parents, I mean.’
My mind flew back through the decades to that awful evening. Tomas next to me one side, Gabby the other and their parents opposite, scrutinising me.