Chapter 12
‘When I got back to my room, I tore up all the photos and ephemera we’d collected together, stuffed the pieces in an envelope and posted them back to him.’
‘Oh, Mum.’ Sash wrapped her arms around me. ‘I’m so sorry.’
I held her close. ‘It’s all right, darling. It was a long time ago now. I was young. As Mr Bennet says in Pride and Prejudice, it probably did me good to have my heart broken.’
Her brow rumpled. ‘I always thought that was a mean thing to say to his daughter.’
‘Yes, well. We both know he had a lot of shortcomings as a father. Unlike your own.’ I placed my hand against her cheek. ‘It was painful at the time but if I hadn’t left after my course finished, then I wouldn’t have got together with your dad and had you.’
‘But you haven’t been happy for a long time, have you?’ She took my hand, touching the ruby ring that had been my grandmother’s. ‘I mean, before you split up. It was more circumstance than real love, wasn’t it?’
‘Oh, Sash. No. Well, yes. In a way, it was circumstance and perhaps if things had been different then I wouldn’t have gone out with him.
He was different. Quiet. But so kind. And I did love him.
And him me. And we still care very much about each other even now.
We might not have had a particularly eventful marriage but we were happy for a long time. ’
‘But would you have got married if it hadn’t been for me?’ She looked up and I saw tears in her eyes. ‘I just feel like me coming along made you both settle for something that you wouldn’t have chosen for yourselves.’
I took her face between my hands, my throat thick now with emotion.
That night in Paris had changed me in a lot of ways.
Despite the show I’d put on for the Bertholles, my confidence was shattered.
I withdrew into myself, finished my course and returned to England with my heart and dreams in tatters.
‘Sasha. You’re right. Perhaps life wouldn’t have brought us together if I’d stayed longer in Paris. But the reality is it did. And yes, I left that dream, that man, behind. But, oh, my darling, I got a much, much better dream. I got you. Nothing could top that. Ever.’
‘But when you had me, you lost yourself.’ Sash sat back and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. Automatically, I leant over and offered her a box of tissues. She snuffled her thanks through a tissue and blew her nose.
‘What do you mean, love? That I lost myself.’
She took another tissue and wiped her eyes. ‘Listening to you talk about your time in Paris, it just shows up all your plans, how…’ she waved her hands as she searched for the right word, just as she’d done since a tot. ‘…alive you were. How vibrant.’
I tried not to be wounded.
‘Oh, Mum. Don’t look like that.’ She wrapped both her arms around one of mine. ‘I think you’re amazing. You know that.’
I let out a sound that was half-huff, half-laugh. ‘It’s OK. I think we both know I’m not terribly vibrant these days.’
To be honest, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt remotely so. Talking about my time in Paris had felt like I was describing a different life. A different girl.
‘She’s still in there, you know?’ Sash nudged me.
‘Who?’
‘That girl,’ she replied, as though reading my mind.
This time, I did laugh. ‘Oh, I don’t think so.’
Sasha didn’t laugh. ‘I do. I know she is.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And I think it’s about time you went back to Paris and found her. Look.’ Sash grabbed my tablet from the table and switched it on, putting in my passcode.
‘I didn’t know you knew that.’
She flicked me a glance, rolled her eyes and went back to her task.
‘Come on, let’s look at some flats in Paris.’
‘Flats?’
‘Yes. That’s what you meant when you said about going back, isn’t it? To stay for a while?’
‘I…’ Had I?
She waited.
‘I don’t know really.’ I tried again. ‘I’m not sure I’d got that far. I was probably thinking a week or so.’
I got another eye roll. ‘Mum. This is your time. Dad’s off doing his thing. You’ve got a good settlement with the divorce and house money and those investments that matured last year. Why not use some of it to go back to Paris and do it properly?’
A thrill chased through my body. And let’s face it, it was a long time since that had happened either!
However, it was immediately followed by Inner Me, clomping along in terribly sensible shoes, chasing it down and squashing it flat.
It was ridiculous to even consider. I was far too old for such silliness!
‘Oh, no.’
‘What?’ I asked. ‘I didn’t say anything.’
‘No. But you’ve got that look.’
‘What look?’
‘The one you get when you’re about to tell me why what I’ve suggested or asked to do is a bad idea. Like when I wanted to go to the festival with Carly.’
‘You were fifteen.’
‘Her dad was going.’
‘Her father had even less sense than any of you. And, if I’m not mistaken, Carly ended up in hospital after a reaction to taking drugs some stranger gave her.’
‘Not the point,’ Sasha mumbled, having clearly forgotten that bit.
‘Exactly the point. It wasn’t a good idea.’
‘Fine. Then don’t take any pills strangers give you.’ She grinned.
‘Very funny.’
‘Oh, come on, Mum. What is there to lose?’
‘What would I do?’
Sash smiled at me. ‘Whatever you wanted. Now before you jet off to Paris, I think we ought to go and get our nails done, like we said we would on holiday.’