Chapter 33
I looked up in time to see the look she shot at Tomas as she came around the café sofa and sat down next to me.
‘What’s wrong?’ Another icy look was directed at Tomas’s back as he stood and embraced Benoit.
‘Nothing.’ I smiled at her, the action genuine. ‘We were just talking.’
‘And once again, he’s upset you.’ She lowered her voice. ‘Why do you even bother? You moved on! Why are you trying to move back?’
‘Sasha.’ There was a warning note in my voice. Both Tomas and Benoit had clearly heard the words, just as they were supposed to. At least Tomas was. Sasha clearly had more to say, thought about it and instead clamped her mouth into a tight line.
‘Benoit,’ I said, standing. ‘How lovely to see you.’
‘And you, Kitty.’ He bent and kissed me.
He’d attempted to call me Madame Collins once.
I soon put a stop to that. It was respectful that he’d tried but it made me feel about one hundred years old.
I was learning to be in charge of my image, my persona, my name, once again and finding I liked making those decisions.
‘Can I get you another drink?’ He glanced at Sasha, who clearly had no wish to stay but chose to ignore her not-so-subtle signals.
‘That would be lovely. A peppermint tea if they have one?’
‘I’m sure they do. Sash?’
She stood. ‘I’ll come with you.’
When they were out of earshot, I pulled a face at Tomas. ‘I think your godson is getting his ear chewed.’
Tomas gave a smile. ‘I’m not surprised. I think everyone in the café got the message that Sasha didn’t want to stay. Everyone but Benoit, it would seem.’
‘Oh, he got it. He just chose to ignore it. And good for him.’
Tomas looked surprised.
‘Sasha is an only child. We did our best to make sure she wasn’t spoiled but it’s not always the easiest. Occasionally, she has to be reminded that things don’t always revolve around her.’
‘Ah. I see.’
‘Don’t get me wrong. She’s a good girl.’
‘I can see that. I actually enjoyed my time showing her around the exhibition. She had interesting questions and viewpoints. Even if she does hate me.’
‘That’s a little strong.’
He gave me a look and I chewed my cheek. ‘I have to say, I do rather regret telling her the whole story now. Obviously, I had no idea I’d ever see you again, let alone…’
A flash of hope sparked in his eyes and my heart cracked open, a shaft of a love I had long since buried shone out.
‘One very slow step at a time.’
‘Whatever you want, Kitty.’ His lips brushed the back of my hand once more. With perfect timing, Benoit and Sasha returned from placing their order. Clearly, they were planning to stay.
The door opened and the pleasant breeze of earlier had now morphed into an unseasonal northerly one, blowing in a couple as they navigated an expensive pram through the doorway.
The chill caught everyone in its path. And still it was warmer than the atmosphere that now surrounded our little group.
Not the most auspicious start for a second chance at love.
But neither of us had fought for it last time.
The truth was that the fault didn’t just lie at the feet of Tomas.
I didn’t fight either. I walked out and left.
Maybe things would have been different if I’d stayed.
Maybe not. We would never know now. But disapproving family had split us once before.
Now I knew that flame in my heart still smouldered, I wasn’t about to let that happen again.
This time, we would take a chance. Make a chance.
If it didn’t work out, it would be because of us, not someone else’s view or decision.
I wasn’t about to alienate my daughter but she needed to realise that I wasn’t just her mum.
I was my own person and this was my time.
We went our separate ways from the café, Benoit and Tomas heading in one direction, Sasha and I in the other. For the first few hundred yards, neither of us spoke.
‘Are you serious about him?’ There was a tension in her voice that no one other than her parents would have picked up on.
‘I’m not anything about him at the moment,’ I replied, careful to keep my own tone neutral.
‘It didn’t look like that to me.’
‘Appearances can be deceptive.’
She stopped walking. I carried on.
‘Mum!’
‘I’m not having this conversation in the middle of the street, Sasha.’
I turned back and carried on walking in the direction of the apartment, catching the huff before Sasha strode on and walked, almost reluctantly, beside me.
‘You’ve changed since we came here, Mum.’
‘Good.’
From the corner of my eye, I saw her head snap towards me.
‘Does Dad know you’re seeing your old flame?’
Laughter bubbled up. So much for not talking about it. The bane of the young and their need for instantaneous everything.
‘Sash, me seeing or not seeing Tomas has absolutely nothing to do with your father, and whatever I choose, I don’t need anyone’s approval.
’ I stopped and faced her. ‘You obviously have questions and I will answer those I wish to when we get home, but right now, I just want to walk through the streets of Paris and not think about anything too much.’
My daughter studied me as if the concept of not thinking about anything was completely anathema to her.
Which it probably was. Nobody ever got bored now.
They weren’t allowed to. They didn’t know how to and I felt that the world was a poorer place for it.
Creativity often came from boredom. Ideas that didn’t usually have the space to bloom and grow flourished in those moments.
But now any second of time that wasn’t specifically employed in the doing of something was filled with endless scrolling.
Except here. I loved that people here still sat in cafés and people-watched in real life rather than through a screen.
‘Not even Tomas?’
‘No, I’m not even thinking about Tomas.’ Well, I hadn’t been, but now…
* * *
‘Am I allowed to ask anything yet?’ Sasha spoke after a full five minutes of being back home.
‘As I imagine you’re going to explode if you don’t, then I think you’d probably better.’
‘I’m not that interested.’ She flicked her eyebrows in a brief raise. ‘I’m just concerned.’
‘OK. What is it that you’re concerned about?’
‘You! That he’s going to make you fall in love with him all over again and break your heart all over again! This was supposed to be a time to fall back in love with Paris.’ She hesitated. ‘Not him.’
I patted the sofa and she took a seat next to me.
‘First of all, it’s lovely that you’re concerned but you really don’t need to be. That’s my job.’
‘I love you, Mum. I know you think I’m being a bitch and I’m sure Tomas hates me—’
I stopped her. ‘No, Sash. He doesn’t. Not at all. He was actually talking about how much he enjoyed your discussion at the gallery, and completely understands why you’ve taken a dislike to him. In fact, he said the same thing to me about you earlier.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘That you hate him.’
She remained silent for a few moments. ‘I don’t hate him. I just don’t trust him.’
‘I know but, as much as I appreciate you wanting to look out for me, I’m old enough to make my own decisions and I’m choosing to allow Tomas back into my life. Right now, we’re just friends reconnecting and seeing where it leads.’
She gave a sniff. ‘It’s obvious he wants more than friends.’
‘Possibly,’ I replied in another new move.
Ordinarily, I’d have eschewed the idea that anyone could be interested but as more glimpses of the old me peeked through the curtain of years past, I felt comfortable acknowledging the possibility that was true.
‘And perhaps I do too.’ That part I was a little more unsure about but I wasn’t prepared to close myself off to the idea, no matter how much my daughter disapproved.
‘Sasha. I know this is all a bit strange for you. Believe me, you’re not the only one. ’
‘I’m just worried about you, Mum. You don’t know what men can be like.’
The laugh escaped from my throat. ‘I’m well aware I’ve been out of the dating loop for quite some time, but I’m not entirely na?ve.’
She sighed, tilted her head and for a moment, I thought she might pat me! ‘Things have changed since you were young… er.’ The correction was hurriedly added as my eyebrows rose towards my hairline.
‘I’m sure they have but it wasn’t all chaperones and virginal wedding days. I’m not that old!’ Laughter wound its way through the words.
‘I know that. I’m just saying.’
‘What are you saying, Sash?’ I asked her, my tone gentle.
‘I just… don’t you think it’s a bit soon? After splitting up with Dad?’ She seemed to have forgotten that her father had jumped into a relationship within weeks of us separating. Or maybe she hadn’t…
‘Do you think it’s too soon?’
She gave a shrug.
‘You face tells me you do.’
‘As you said, it’s not up to me.’
‘No, it’s not. And you might think I don’t value your opinion, but I do.’
‘I just… it feels weird.’
‘I know. And in your position, I’m sure I’d have felt the same.
’ My parents had both passed away early within a short period of time and Sash couldn’t remember them.
Hugh had broken contact with his own family when they’d accused me of getting pregnant to ‘catch’ him.
I’d done my best to reconcile them but Hugh had no interest. They’d apparently never been close anyway and whatever choice he made, they always felt there was a better one he could have opted for.
When Sasha was born, I’d encouraged him to try again, hoping a new, beautiful baby might help thaw the ice.
Their reply in a plain card gave no congratulatory wishes and merely advised that they would ‘not be changing the will’.
Needless to say, neither of us bothered again.
I looked at the young woman sitting beside me now and thought again on how much they had missed out on.
I only felt sorry that she had never experienced the kind of grandparental love I’d want for her.
‘I’m not rushing into anything, love. Your dad and I hadn’t been in love for a long time.
That’s why I wasn’t surprised, or hurt, when he found someone new so quickly.
Life is short. If you find someone you enjoy spending time with, someone who makes you laugh and smile and who brings you joy, and your heart says, “Let’s try”, then why not? ’
‘It didn’t say that about Ashok though, did it?’
I shook my head. ‘No, it didn’t. Not for me.’
‘I wish it had.’
‘I know you do, darling. But it wasn’t meant to be. And if I had, then he and Gabby wouldn’t have found each other.’
Her smooth brow wrinkled momentarily – and then returned to perfectly smooth. Make the most of that!
‘I didn’t think you believed in all that fate stuff, Mum.’
‘I don’t necessarily. I’m not sure what I believe in.
Apart from taking it one day at a time, being grateful for each new day and all the joys it brings and being grateful for you being here with me.
Even if you do hate my new boyfriend’s guts.
’ Tomas and I weren’t there yet but I couldn’t resist the tease.
Her own brows flicked up until she caught the twinkle in my eye. ‘Mum!’
‘Come on!’ I said, standing and pulling Sash up. ‘Let’s go and get an indulgent afternoon pastry at The Metropolitan so you can film it for your socials.’
‘Is that the only reason?’
‘Of course! I’m doing it to help, obviously.’
‘You’ll force it down?’
‘I will. For the greater good of YouTube.’
Her smile, hesitant until now, spread as we headed back out of the apartment and turned in the direction of our favourite local café.