Chapter 41
It was a few days later, during a meal in the restaurant of Ashok’s hotel, that the elephant in the room wandered over and plonked its sizeable bottom on the table.
‘I have to take a trip to the vineyard at the end of the week,’ Benoit said, his attention on Sasha. ‘I wondered if you might want to come? You’re free to film whatever you want. Or not film anything if you don’t want to.’
‘That sounds amazing! You sure that will be OK?’
Benoit looked to Tomas and Gabby, who both nodded to confirm their assent.
‘Very sure.’
Sash’s eyes sparkled with happiness and creative excitement.
Ever since she’d begun her sojourn in Paris, her subscription figures had been increasing at a faster rate than before.
The vlog at Quatorze had given them another huge boost. Tomorrow was the upload of the interview she’d done with Simone herself and from the comments she’d received when she’d announced it, we all had our fingers quietly crossed for another advance in her numbers.
Creative pursuits, however talented you were, relied a certain amount on luck.
In every endeavour, there was an enormous amount of competition and it was serendipity as to whether you were one that got noticed or not.
But Sasha was determined to make her channel the best it could be.
It wasn’t merely about getting freebies – she’d actually been very select about those who approached her.
If she didn’t believe in the product, or felt it didn’t fit her aesthetic or morals, then she had no qualms about turning it down.
I admired that about her. But living in Paris, the opportunity to visit a thriving, not to mention beautiful, vineyard and get exclusive behind-the-scenes access certainly fit the bill.
‘Why don’t we all go?’ Gabby asked. ‘Make a weekend of it? It’d be lovely to take a trip all together.’ Ashok’s hand was curled around hers, as it so often was when we saw them now.
‘Sounds great to me,’ he said.
‘I’m available,’ Tomas added. ‘You’re right, it would be great to spend more than a couple of hours together.’
I felt several pairs of eyes fall on me as the only one who hadn’t spoken.
The vineyard. The family business. My mind sailed back through the years as thoughts tumbled over themselves.
This place, its very existence and the pressure that that had wrought on Tomas had been instrumental in our break-up.
Just the thought of it left a sourness in my mind.
Since returning to France, I’d paid it no attention other than cursory during the explanation of how Tomas had nearly ruined it and Gabby had stepped in.
Other than that, I had pushed it to a far corner of my mind and left it to rot quietly away with time.
But now it had been dragged out to look upon once more.
My gaze lifted to Sash. Her initial enthusiasm had stilled a little as she looked at me and joined the dots of my lack of excitement. Her smile was soft, an understanding in her eyes.
‘Although I’m not sure if Mum already had something planned for this weekend? I should have checked the diary,’ she said to Benoit. ‘Sorry.’
Her comment sounded natural but I was her mum.
I knew. She so wanted to go. And the truth was I wanted to spend more time with these people.
People I loved and trusted. The vineyard and the problems it had brought were a spectre of the past and I no longer wished to give it power.
I most certainly wasn’t going to let it haunt my daughter.
‘Nothing in the diary, Sash.’ I took a deep breath while attempting to appear not to. ‘You’re right, Gabs. It sounds like a fabulous idea.’
Gabby leant over and kissed my cheek, her other hand lying momentarily on mine.
As we turned back to our meals, drinks and conversations, Tomas bent towards me.
‘Are you sure you’re OK with this?’
‘Yes,’ I answered, turning to meet his eyes, his face close to mine. ‘All of that was a long time ago and you’re free of it now.’ I squeezed his fingers as he’d laced them through mine. ‘That’s all that matters. It was a bit of an unexpected flashback. That’s all.’
‘I am free of it. And you’re here. Everything is perfect.’ He lifted my hand, kissed the back of it then stole another at my temple before the waiters arrived bearing puddings.
* * *
Benoit’s car rolled along in front of us, Ashok and Gabby in the back seat of Tomas’s. And here we were. Once more.
The trees that lined the drive were larger now, providing a serene, shady avenue to approach the large house.
A curve in the drive and there it was, looking exactly the same as it had done years ago when the three of us, plus Gabby’s latest boyfriend, had come down for a weekend to escape the hot, stifling air of a Paris summer.
Tomas’s parents were away. At the time, it had seemed perfect timing.
Afterwards, I’d realised that hadn’t been a coincidence.
Perhaps he’d already suspected that I wouldn’t be approved of.
‘Did you know?’ I asked, the thoughts in my head tumbling out.
‘Hmm?’ Tomas replied, his eyes flicking to me momentarily, his whole being relaxed. Ashok and Gabby were deep in conversation behind us, lost in their own very happy world.
‘Before? When we came here.’ There was no animosity in my tone. That time had passed. Now I was just curious.
Tomas shifted a little in his seat. ‘Did I know what?’
‘That I wasn’t going to be approved of. Is that why you waited until your parents were away to bring me here?’
He shook his head, the corner of his mouth tipped up. ‘That wasn’t why I wanted my parents out of the way.’
Ridiculously I felt a faint blush warm my cheeks and shook it off.
‘You did know, though,’ I persisted. ‘Didn’t you?’
Tomas let out a sigh.
‘No,’ he said as he slowed to a stop, the tyres crunching on the gravel drive that framed the front of the house. ‘I didn’t know.’ He applied the handbrake and turned to me. ‘But I did suspect.’
‘Yes.’
Ashok and Gabby exited from the car and closed the back doors. We remained in the front.
‘I should have discussed it with you.’
‘No,’ I said, my hand touching his jaw. ‘Because then it would have ended earlier.’
His eyes shone for a moment as emotion pushed up through the years. ‘Quite probably and, selfish as that was, I didn’t want that. I wanted to hold on to you for as long as possible. I’d hoped that would be forever but life had other ideas.’
‘Your mother had other ideas.’
He didn’t reply but I knew he’d heard and he knew I was right.
He looked out towards the beautiful house, his mind elsewhere. Or perhaps not. I leant over and kissed his cheek. ‘None of it matters now. Come on.’
A smile lit his face – and my heart. ‘Would you like a drink?’ The blue gaze hooked mine, lighter now in the late-afternoon sun. ‘I’ve heard this place isn’t too shabby.’ He grinned. ‘Is that the right expression?’
‘It is right,’ I replied.
‘Ah!’ He seemed pleased. ‘Sasha has introduced me to some new YouTube channels and I heard this phrase the other day. I like it.’
‘I’m so glad,’ I said, laughter in my voice as Benoit opened the door for me and offered his hand.
‘Thank you.’
I caught Tomas’s eye as he came around from the other side of the car. ‘You’ve done well with him. You should be very proud.’
Tomas looked at his godson as he returned to Sasha, who was busy filming the exterior of the mansion, her expression slightly agog. I knew the feeling. Like mother, like daughter. She’d had a lot more than I had growing up but neither of us had ever known anything like this.
‘In everything but blood, he is my son. I would give anything for his parents to still be alive so that they could see what a good man he is. So that he still had them in his life.’
His voice faltered on the last word and I wrapped my arm around his waist, his own arm mirroring the action. ‘But I do believe they are looking down and are proud of him.’
‘As they should be, with thanks to you.’ I kissed his cheek and snuggled into his side, pride and love for the man he now was overwhelming me as I thought about his words.
I wasn’t half so sure about the existence of such an afterlife as he was and we’d had long, deep discussions about such things long ago.
Clearly, Tomas’s opinions on the subject hadn’t altered.
Mine, however, had wavered a little. Life changes you.
The things that happen. The paths that you take, or that appear before you and before others.
When Sash was at primary school, I’d got chatting to a new mum, Amelia, at the nursery.
We’d bonded quickly, which was unusual for me since returning from Paris.
We shared the same sense of humour and the same wish of having conversations about something other than our children, meeting up often for a cup of tea and playdates.
And then one day, she didn’t turn up at the gates.
She’d not replied to any messages for a few days, which was unusual but I’d not put any stock in it.
People led busy lives. A few days later, I met her husband at the gates.
I almost didn’t recognise him. Amelia was gone.
She’d been on her way home from visiting her parents.
They were all supposed to have been going but George, their son, was feeling grouchy and with the threat of chicken pox running amok around the local schools, they’d decided that just Amelia would go.
Ten minutes from home, someone coming the other way had felt replying to a text message was a more important task than keeping their eyes on the road.
They’d hit Amelia head-on. They’d walked away with barely a scratch. Amelia had been killed instantly.
‘You still believe that then?’
‘In an afterlife?’ Tomas replied. ‘I do.’ He turned his head. ‘Have you changed your mind?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I answered honestly. ‘I like to think now that there’s somewhere wonderful and good that those we love go to. Other than that, I’m…’ I shrugged. ‘I’m fuzzy on the details.’
‘Who says there have to be details?’
He was right. Why did it all have to be explained? Beliefs so rarely fell into the minutely detailed camp and why should they?
‘You lost someone?’ he asked, perceptive as ever.
‘Yes. A close friend. Many years ago now.’
‘Time doesn’t lessen our love, or how much we miss them.’
‘No. You’re right, it doesn’t. But I like to think she’s up there, happy. Although… how can you be happy when you’ve left your child and the love of your life behind?’ I looked back at him. ‘It’s very complicated.’
‘It is.’ Then he kissed me and that was blissfully simple. ‘I’m sorry about your friend.’
‘And I’m sorry about yours, for you and for Benoit. They made an excellent decision making you his godfather.’
‘It wasn’t thought so at the time, believe me.’
‘And yet they stuck to their guns and look…’
Our gazes landed on Sasha and Benoit, his expression one of deep concentration as Sasha showed him something on the camera, her hands moving in explanation as they did so. ‘You helped him become who he is today.’
‘The man who’s very much in love with your daughter.’
I let out a sigh. ‘The man my daughter is very much in love with…’
Tomas turned. ‘She is?’
‘She is.’
He shifted his weight. ‘You don’t seem pleased.’
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘It’s not that. She’s happy and that makes me happy. I just don’t… she’s never felt like this about anyone. Not this strongly.’ I shrugged, feeling the tears spring to my eyes, the surroundings adding to the emotion. ‘I don’t want her heart broken.’
Tomas held my gaze for a long moment. The words I hadn’t added were still there. Like mine was. Both of us heard them, even unspoken.
‘I can’t promise that,’ he said. ‘All I can say is that ever since Sasha entered his life, Benoit has been the happiest I have ever seen him.’
I untangled myself from him and rummaged in my handbag, still a little larger than Gabby and Reine would have me carry, and unearthed a pocket pack of tissues. Extracting one, I dabbed at my eyes and nose.
‘Look OK?’ I asked Tomas.
‘Perfect.’
It wasn’t true but I knew, in that moment, he believed it to be and for once, instead of batting the compliment away, I took it and we crunched forward up the gravel drive to catch up with the others.