Chapter 43
I felt Tomas shift beside me, sensing the stiffening of my body.
‘Grandmère!’ Benoit jumped up and hastened towards the sound of her voice.
Something inside me acknowledged the warmth in his tone.
The joy at seeing her. Clearly, he was accepted as family in every way.
I was happy for him and for Tomas in that.
But as for other feelings? Right now, there were too many racing about to pin any specific one down. That would come, though. I knew.
I could feel Gabby’s eyes burning into me but I refused to look up. Not yet.
‘Mama.’ She rose next and from the corner of my eye, I saw an embrace. The voice was coming nearer now.
‘Gabby, darling. And this must be Ashok. How delightful to meet you at last.’
‘And you, Madame Bertholle.’
‘Ah, tsk. None of that formality here. Please call me Isobel.’
I practically choked. This from the Queen of Formality. But then Ashok was successful, rich and handsome. He would, of course, meet with approval.
It was Tomas’s turn to stand. ‘Mama.’ He embraced her too. ‘You’re looking very well. Your cold has gone now?’
‘It has, thank you.’
And that’s when it struck me. I flicked my eyes across to Sash, who was looking at me with a slightly panicked expression.
I ticked the corner of my lips up in an effort to let her know I was fine.
Although I wasn’t fine. Because what I’d realised was that they knew.
They all, apart from Sash clearly, knew this woman was going to be here.
‘Grandmère, this is Sasha, who I told you about,’ Benoit began.
Sash flicked her eyes up to him and then to me.
An almost imperceptible nod gave her the go-ahead to proceed. But if that woman began attacking my daughter the way she’d torn me down back in that restaurant, my God, there’d be hell to pay.
But she didn’t. Incredibly, she asked how Sasha was liking her time in Paris, what the journey down here had been like and whether she’d enjoyed the tour.
I saw Sasha visibly relax. Apparently, I’d unwittingly set my daughter up to expect the same treatment.
I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. Not for the Koh-i-noor would I have done that and yet I had.
But then again, I hadn’t expected to ever see Madame Bertholle this weekend.
Or ever. And nobody had chosen to tell me.
That was the worst part. Yes, it had been a long time ago and I’d done my best to push it out of my mind.
Tell myself it didn’t matter now. But I hadn’t expected this, not tonight.
In time, perhaps, if our relationship continued to strengthen.
But not tonight and without warning. I needed to get out.
‘And this is Kitty.’ She turned to me before I could make my escape.
Tomas’s hand went to rest on mine but I moved it away and stood.
At least this way, I had the height advantage on her, if nothing else.
It was pathetic, I accepted that, but I needed something.
Although she probably took it as a sign of respect that I was standing for her.
‘Madame Bertholle.’
‘It’s been a long time.’
‘Yes. Hasn’t it?’ I replied, catching the note of coolness in my voice and feeling it settle all around me. Part of me felt bad for raining on the parade but the other part was still furious that I’d been ambushed.
‘You look well,’ she continued.
‘Thank you.’ I made no effort to return the compliment, if that’s what it was.
One was never sure with this woman. I’d initially thought she was pleased with my appearance years ago when she’d complimented me on my dress.
It was only as the dinner progressed that I’d realised it was another dig.
That I’d clearly not had anything that would meet her approval in my wardrobe so I’d had to borrow one of her daughter’s dresses, which she, of course, had recognised.
‘If you’ll excuse me, it’s rather warm in here. I’m going to get some air.’ With that, I left the room.
I stalked out through the flagstoned hall.
Perhaps that was terribly rude but I didn’t care.
She’d hurt me all those years ago and I had thought I was over it, that it didn’t matter any more, but actually, it did bloody well matter!
Especially as I’d unwittingly made my daughter panic about her own acceptance in the Great Woman’s Presence, having relayed her the tale of ‘back in the day’.
I stepped out into the cold, clear night. Above me, the deep navy sky was pinpricked with a million stars. As I stared up, thoughts racing, a shooting star sailed across the darkness, its tail burning brightly for just a moment before it flared out and disappeared from view.
‘Did you make a wish?’
I whirled around at the deep voice.
‘I don’t think you want to know what I wished for, Tomas.’
He looked at me for a moment and I glared back.
‘No,’ he said eventually. ‘Probably not.’ Silence dropped back between us. ‘Are you coming back in?’
‘No.’
‘It’s cold, Kitty. You can’t stay out here all night.’
‘I can do what I bloody well please, Tomas. And I don’t accept you, or anyone else, telling me what’s right or wrong, or what I should or shouldn’t do any more!’
‘Kitty…’
‘You knew, didn’t you? All of you knew she’d be here.’
He heaved in a deep breath, paused then let it out on a sigh.
‘She has an apartment in the house. The whole thing is too much for her now so much of it is only opened for guests.’
‘So, it wasn’t even that she might be here? It was a certainty!’
He opened his mouth as if to contradict then closed it again before speaking. ‘Yes.’
I huffed out a laugh entirely devoid of humour. ‘And here I was thinking all this was behind us.’
‘It is behind us, Kitty!’
‘You lied to me, Tomas! You all lied to me and Benoit lied to my daughter! It might be by omission but it was still deceitful.’
‘Leave Benoit out of it. This is between me and you.’
‘No, Tomas. It’s not. He should have told Sasha that your mother would be here just as you should have told me!’
‘If we had, would you have come?’
‘Of course I bloody wouldn’t!’ I snapped back.
He held out his hands as if that were enough reasoning for him to have been correct in his choices.
‘But I should have had a choice. As should Sasha.’
‘Who also wouldn’t have come because of what you’d told her about my mother!’
‘I told her the truth, Tomas! That’s all!’
‘She’s changed. You heard what she said about formalities.’
‘Yes, to a man whom she couldn’t help but approve of.’
‘It’s not just that.’
‘Not just that?’
He pushed his fingers back through his hair and let out an exclamation of frustration before blowing out another breath.
‘Please. Come back in. Mama is quite upset.’
It was the final straw.
‘Oh? Is she? Is she upset, Tomas? I’m so sorry.
I tell you what. You go back in and comfort your mama.
My daughter and I will be on the next train to Paris anyway so all reasons for her being “upset”,’ I made the shapes at him, sarcastic in my hurt, ‘will be swept away from her.’ Anger and snippiness was all I could manage right now.
It was either that or let out the wrenching, twisted sob caught in my throat and I was certainly not going to give Tomas, his mother, or any of them the satisfaction of seeing that.
It would come, in time, but not yet. Not here.
‘Kitty, there’s no need to be—’
‘Be what, Tomas? Be upset that you lied? Be upset that I was so stupid to believe I could trust you for a second time? Be upset that I’m now going to be the one to break my daughter’s heart because her boyfriend is also a liar?’
‘Kitty.’ His tone was a warning.
‘You’re right, Tomas. He is your son in everything but blood.’
I pushed past him, shivering now, although I wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or sheer rage. His footsteps were close behind me and I cursed his long legs as he caught up to me just inside the doorway.
‘Kitty, wait.’
I spun around. ‘Why, Tomas? Why should I wait? Because this time, you bothered to follow me?’
He stopped a little short of me. ‘What?’
‘I waited for you, Tomas. Do you know that?’ Tears thickened my words.
‘I waited for you to follow me out at that restaurant or at the very least to come round later that evening. To explain what had happened. To apologise for how your mother treated me. But no. You did nothing. So I went home. And I’m going home now. ’
‘You said all this was behind us! That none of it mattered now!’
‘And I thought that was true. I was convinced it was but you know what? It still hurts, Tomas. I loved you! I loved you more than…’ My breath hitched.
‘More than anything. And I lost you.’ I shook my head.
‘No. I didn’t lose you. You were taken from me because I wasn’t deemed good enough and that judgement, because it stole so much from me, had consequences for the rest of my life!
I was always worried I wouldn’t be good enough so I bent over backwards to try and please everyone.
To make them like me! Because the one person I needed to “like” me when I was young didn’t.
’ I swiped at my tears. ‘Saying it out loud now… it seems ridiculous but that’s the truth, Tomas. However ridiculous it is.’
Silence, heavy and uncomfortable, settled between us until, eventually, he broke it. ‘But you’re prepared to break your daughter’s heart instead of letting her make her own judgement?’
‘No. Instead of letting Benoit break it.’
‘She’s an adult, Kitty! She’ll make mistakes. We all do! Some of us forgive ourselves and forgive others. That’s the difference.’
I took a step closer until I was practically touching his chest and glared up at him. ‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’
‘It means that yes, my mother was incredibly rude and disrespectful to you that day and I was too weak to stand up for either you or myself. And I should have come after you. Gabby told me to, of course.’
‘She always did have more balls than you.’
The briefest flicker of a smile flared and faded, just as the shooting star had earlier.
‘True. But you didn’t fight either.’
‘What? So now it’s my fault?’ I shook my head. ‘You’re unbelievable.’
He caught my arm as I moved to stride off. ‘That’s not what I said. But neither of us fought for “us”, did we? And no, I didn’t come to you because as I said, I was weak. And because I knew you weren’t.’ He paused. ‘I thought you would come to me.’
‘You thought I’d come and crawl back after that?’
‘No, no. Of course not! The opposite. I thought you’d come over to yell at me. Justifiably. But I thought it would give me the opportunity of at least trying to explain…’
‘And that explanation was?’
He shook his head. ‘I didn’t have one. I hadn’t got that far. The only thing I knew was that I loved you.’
The silence of the house settled around us, interspersed with the odd creak as it made itself comfortable for the night.
‘Tomas… what am I doing here?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘What are we doing? Why are we trying to recapture something that was dead and buried a long time ago?’
‘Don’t say that.’ He stepped closer, the sadness in his voice piercing my already fracturing heart.
‘Why not? It’s true! It’s too late, Tomas.’
‘No, it’s not. It’s never too late. Just because it didn’t happen then doesn’t mean we can’t have something now! You know that!’
‘Do I? Or am I just pretending? Pretending to be someone I’m not. The carefree divorcee living life to the full!’
‘I thought you were happy here.’
I huffed out a sad laugh. ‘So did I.’
‘Then why?’
I rounded on him. ‘Because you lied. Because you all lied.’
‘I didn’t think you’d give it a chance if I told you and I was right.’
‘So you decided to make the decisions for me? Just like your mother did for you in your life?’
He stepped back.
‘Low blow, Kitty.’
I squared my shoulders. He was right but I was hurting.
‘You blindsided me, Tomas. You should have told me. Perhaps, with all the information, with warning, you might have even convinced me to come. But this way?’ I gestured back towards the room. ‘Have you any idea how I felt when she walked in?’
The unsure expression on his face told me he hadn’t a clue.
‘Like I was back in that restaurant, in borrowed clothes, feeling entirely out of place and not good enough. Not good enough for her and not good enough for you.’
‘Kitty, you know that’s not true,’ he said, moving back towards me.
I stepped back. ‘Yes! I do. That’s the point, Tomas. I do know that. I’m a fifty-year-old woman who now knows her own mind and yet, without even trying, she still made me feel like I wasn’t enough.’
‘She really has changed, Kitty. If you could—’
Laughter drifted from the other room. My daughter’s and another, older one mingled together. I should be happy for her. I knew that. I turned away from him and strode up the corridor back to the drawing room.
Everyone looked up as I opened the door. Sash was perched on a chair close to Madame Bertholle, my daughter holding her phone in front of them as she evidently showed her something, their happy smiles cutting into me.
‘I’m sorry, Sash, but we have to go.’
Sash’s face paled. ‘Why? Is it Dad? Has something happened—’
Benoit’s arm went to her shoulder, drawing her in.
‘No, no.’ I hurried over, wrapping my arm around her waist. Benoit got the message and stepped back. ‘Everyone’s fine.’
‘Then… why?’ Sash looked across to Tomas. His hair was slightly askew from where he’d run his hands through it and his brow was furrowed. I knew he was angry with me but I didn’t care. Right now, I wanted to be away from him. From all of them.