Chapter 17 #2
‘Constantly, and I almost made it out of there a few times in the early days. But I was too proud to admit I’d made such a huge mistake, and that’s on me.’
Suzie squeezed her hand hard.
‘I can relate to that.’
‘It wasn’t all bad. There were some good times too; I can’t pretend there weren’t. And weirdly, for all his criticisms of me and my body, there was never a problem in the bedroom. That was definitely the high point of his skill set.’
Her bitter laugh went out to sea with the wind.
‘But when I got pregnant, any thoughts of leaving went out the window. As soon as I saw my baby’s face, I truly fell in love for the first time in my life, and I knew I’d do anything I could to protect her.
I was a nurse, a medical professional, and I honestly thought I could change him. Some hope.’
Suzie’s worried face looked up at her.
‘Was he ever violent?’
There was no point varnishing the truth now.
‘Not when I was pregnant, but other times, yes. This is hard to admit, but there were drunken slaps, and he’d sometimes pinch parts of my body and leave bruises that were hidden by my clothes.’
Vicky turned over her wrist to expose the scar Suzie had seen her rubbing.
‘That was from when he threw a saucepan at me.’
‘Oh, my God. That’s horrific.’
Vicky stared out to sea.
‘He’d always be really sorry the next day.
Take us out, buy us treats and over-the-top presents which we couldn’t really afford.
As a child, Tasha thought it was great, but as she grew up, she became more wary.
I shielded her from most of it, and he never laid a finger on her – I’d have killed him myself if he did.
But I vowed that once she finished uni, I’d leave him, which is what I did. ’
‘So, you stayed for more than twenty years too…’
‘I did, and I’m not proud of it, but I did it for her.
People think you can just walk away from the situation, but I really did believe he might harm us both if I took her away from him.
I had a secret bag packed with everything we might need, just in case we had to leave in a hurry.
Ian adores Tasha; there’s no doubting that; it was me he had a problem with.
I’ve not stood in the way of them having a normal relationship.
But as a grown-up, she can see his faults all too clearly. ’
‘That’s very magnanimous of you. How on earth did you cope day to day?’
‘I had my daughter, my job, which I loved, my parents nearby, and a couple of friends, although I could never tell them the whole truth; I was too ashamed. I’ve also had plenty of therapy over the years.’
‘Did that help?’
Vicky did the so-so sign with her hand.
‘To some extent. I learnt all about coercive control, which is what they call it these days. It certainly helped me understand him better. He’d had a rough childhood, and a lot of the things he did, the therapist put down to insecurity and low self-esteem.’
‘Very handy. Just excuse it all away.’
Vicky smiled.
‘It’s a little more complicated than that. I accepted that he was a bully, but there was also a tiny part of me willing to put up with his behaviour ? for an easy life.’
‘Surely you can’t hold yourself to blame for anything. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.’
‘He was. But at least he’s out of my life for good now.’
Their beach walk was at an end. Vicky stopped and took both of Suzie’s hands in hers.
‘I’m not trying to play Top Trumps here, but I just wanted you to know you’re not the only one who’s made mistakes, kept huge secrets or done things unimaginable to others to safeguard your child.’
Vicky found herself pulled into a big hug.
‘Thank you. It has really helped to hear your story. And it was brave of you to tell me. I know what it must have taken.’
Vicky let a couple of the tears she’d been holding onto fall on Suzie’s T-shirt. She stared as the dark stain expanded.
‘We do what we think is best at the time. None of us has all the answers. You’ve got two gorgeous sons who will return to you.
Just hold onto that. Everything else needs work.
It will be hard, but you’re strong and resourceful, and you’ll get through it.
We can’t change the past, but with our precious children all grown up, it’s time to take control of our own futures. ’
The two women embraced again on the empty beach to the bemusement of a couple of stray dogs digging for treasure in the sand. Vicky lifted an imaginary glass to the sky.
‘To no more tears!’
‘No more tears!’
Turning to face the afternoon sun, now hot on their faces, Vicky pulled off her T-shirt, pushed down her shorts and dropped her clothes on the beach.
‘Are you up for a swim?’
Suzie smiled. ‘Sure. Only got my underwear on, but at least it’s a matching set.’
They ran as one into the water, splashing and screaming, until they’d gone in far enough to dive under.
Vicky came up for air at the same time as Suzie. Without the need for speech, both women turned and floated on their backs, letting the sun burn through the cool water and caress their bodies.
Vicky lifted her hand to shade her eyes.
‘So, as I told you on day one, you can now see why I’m off men.’
Suzie’s giggle was a real tonic.
‘That’s the understatement of the year. Who needs men anyway?’