Chapter 33
CONFESSIONS OF A DEAD WOMAN
J.D. Stevens
This was hard. I didn’t really think about it when I agreed to do it, but then when it finally hit me that I would have to bring all those boxes down and go through them a wave of emotions went through me—sadness, grief, and every emotion in between. I was getting ready to read the words of my wife. Someone I loved beyond comprehension, and it was surreal.
It was a daunting task. I had no idea how many books there were until all the boxes were spread out in my dining room. I’d known Dani kept a journal since she was a kid, but I wasn’t expecting to do this. The one silver lining was that as Siobhan grew older, I could pass down memories of her mother, as her memories of Dani faded away.
Even though I tried to keep her mother alive through pictures and recordings she was so young when Dani passed so it was hard for her to remember. Now I reminded her how much her mother loved her while she was here. I didn’t want her to forget that Dani’s world revolved around her and if it was possible for her to be here today, she would be.
I pulled another journal from one of the many boxes and I had a feeling I wouldn’t like what I was going to read. I trusted my wife, but I still didn’t understand why the hell she kept this shit from me. I thought she told me everything. I could admit I was a hypocrite. I kept secrets when it came to club business, but I thought she trusted me more than that.
I took a deep breath and released it, trying to calm my nerves. Of course, Rebel’s eyes were on me. Her presence while I was doing this gave me some comfort, but I really hated not knowing what I was going to read.
I opened the book, and my eyes widen. “Shit.”
“What?” Rebel asked. “What is it? Did you find it?”
“I did. And this is addressed to me.”
“Oh.” Rebel’s hand landed on my shoulder. “I’m going to give you some privacy. I’ll step outside, make some calls, and touch base with my team.”
She didn’t let me respond, she just kissed me on the cheek, and left out of the room. I leaned back in the chair and ran my hand down my face before I started reading.
My love
If you’re reading this, I know you’re pissed as hell at me. And you should be because I know either I’m locked up or dead. I hope it isn’t the latter but either way I’m so sorry for keeping you in the dark about what I’m about to confess to you. I just didn’t know what to do, and I needed to protect you and Siobhan from my past.
I had a pretty fucked up childhood as you know, and it has always been hard to rely on other people when I need help even though I know you would bend over backwards to do so. It’s one of the many things I love about you. You’re selfless when it comes to your family, but I need you to know I have to keep you safe. I can’t let my past bite both of us in the ass. I can never live with myself if that happens.
So, I know you’re wondering what’s going on and what I’ve been keeping a secret because I’m pretty sure you’ve already found out that I haven’t been completely honest with you if you’re reading this now.
I hope what I’m about to tell you doesn’t change your view of the person you came to love. But I haven’t always been the girl you fell in love with my heart. Sure, I’m a brat but I did some pretty fucked up things in my past but I’m just going to focus on the one that’s causing havoc in our lives now. Just know if I wanted to stay alive, I had no other choice but to do what I did. So, I hope you understand that back then I ran out of options.
Thankfully I already knew what she had done from the other journal, so her confession wouldn’t shock the hell out of me. I turned the page and continued to read.
So here goes nothing.
I killed someone.
When I was away at school, I dated a guy and I thought he really loved me. Corey Astor. God, it’s so weird even writing his damn name. Just so you know, I’ve tried to wipe his name from everything I’ve ever known. So, I hope you destroy anything where I mention his name if I’m not able to do so.
He was wealthy, good looking, and a chameleon. He let me see what he wanted me to see. Not who he really was. He was older and married with a family, but he led me to believe that his marriage was ending, and he wanted to start a new life with me. Young and stupid, I know. Anyway, I’m not sure what happened, but something changed with him. He started drinking more, and that’s when the abuse started. Not only physical abuse but also emotional.
He was the president of the university, and he held my future in his hands. And he knew it and he made sure I did too. So, I made a plan, and I stuck with it when the time came. Of course, his disappearance was a high-profile case. You probably can still find news articles and footage from that time. But anyway, I was questioned and of course his family tried to keep our relationship a secret while also accusing me of being obsessed with the university’s president so that’s why I did something to him. Although some family members knew about our relationship, they told the authorities I was a lying, crazy lunatic.
But even though no one could prove that I had anything to do with his disappearance, I was the number one suspect. And to this day his body has not been discovered. And that’s something I will take to my grave. I’m sorry sweetheart but I will let you know I killed him, but I will not tell you where to find his body.
“It doesn’t matter to me where she buried him,” I mumbled. “He could rot in Hell for all I care.”
I told you all that to say this. About four weeks ago, I was stopped by the FBI coming out of Siobhan’s daycare. I wasn’t sure at first what it was about. I hoped it wasn’t about you know who, but I knew if it wasn’t about him then it had to be about you, my brother, or daddy’s “preaching.”
I got into the passenger side of the agent’s car and at first, he stuck to the normal routine questions. What’s my name, date of birth, that kind of shit, but then the questions turned to you. Questions like what’s your name, where are you from, we’re you connected to the Sinners and how did you connect to them. And immediately my hackles rose. I know no one other than family knows of your connection to the Sinners especially since you changed your last name.
How the hell does he know who your family is?
“Great question babe.”
I turned the page and resumed reading.
Anyway, he has evidence of what I did. He showed me some photographs he shouldn’t have. Where the hell he got them from I have no fucking idea because all these years I thought I hid my tracks pretty good. But I guess that’s what money can get you. The agent wants me to spy on you. Of course, I refuse to do that. He said he will have CPS take the kids if I don’t cooperate which I will never let happen. I got the distinct feeling he has another agenda that doesn’t have anything to do with trying to hem the club up, or me really. You are his target.
I’m scared of what he’s going to do to me because I won’t help. I’m not a snitch and I will take the kids and run before I turn my back on you. So, if anything happens to me, please make sure you look into Agent Alan Revels. He had something to do with it.
Tell my babies mama loves them and if I’m no longer here make sure Siobhan knows how much I love her and will miss her. And I want you to know that if I’m dead and you’re reading this, I’m taking care of Luca if he’s with me.
I love you with all my heart, J.D., but you need to live the life you deserve sweetheart. You deserve happiness and you deserve someone to love you. You’ll make some woman very happy. Just please don’t be bitter about how things ended with us. I’ve never experienced love like yours and if I die, I will die knowing you loved me with everything in you. Open your heart to the possibility of love again and you know if she’s a bitch, I will haunt her ass from the grave. I hope you know you will always have a place in my heart. I’ll see you in the next life, my love. Live life to the fullest and I’m watching over you and Siobhan with a smile on my face and love in my heart.
Love your partner in crime in this life and the next,
Dani.
I closed the journal, my heart heavy with emotion, and exhaled deeply, unable to contain my feelings any longer. Jumping from the chair, I let out a piercing scream. I tore apart my dining room until there was nothing left but a mess of splintered wood and shattered glass. I sank down the wall, my body collapsing onto the floor, my sobs echoing through the room. Rebel sat beside me on the floor, wrapped her arms around me, and let me cry in her arms until I couldn’t cry anymore.
After years of suspecting, Dani finally confirmed all my worst fears. My wife and son were killed because of me.