Chapter Six
CHAPTER SIX
Just after the last patient of the day had left, before Lavender locked the front door and Dr Stokes got his coat on to leave, Fliss walked into Thimblebury surgery. At the sound of her voice, Ottilie looked up from the computer where she and Lavender were trying to work out what to do with the following day’s patients.
‘Good afternoon,’ she said, and although it was her usual robust tone, the sight of her drawn, pale face and swollen eyes told a different story.
From nowhere, the urge to hug her swept over Ottilie, and where she might have tried to restrain herself, today she acted on it. Whether it would be welcomed or not didn’t matter because she couldn’t help herself. Fliss had never been a hugger and obvious displays of affection weren’t in her nature, but she allowed Ottilie’s arms to envelop her for a moment before pushing her away with an expression that was something like regret.
‘I’m all right,’ she said briskly. ‘It’s Charles in hospital, not me.’
‘What happened?’
‘Heart attack.’
Ottilie sucked in a sharp breath, and Lavender’s hand shot to her mouth.
‘Oh, Fliss…’ Lavender murmured. ‘How is he? I mean…’
‘Not dead, if that’s what you mean,’ Fliss replied. ‘But he’s been better.’
‘Oh, Fliss, I’m so sorry.’
‘Never mind. At least he knew what to do as soon as it struck. I’ve trained him well, it seems. I would say with our lifestyle that I might have had a bit of a premonition about this sort of thing, but that would be a lie. I see cases of heart disease every day, and I warn enough people of the consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle, but somehow, when it comes to me and my own, I never thought it would happen.’
‘Thank goodness you were able to act fast.’
‘That was all down to Charles. I’m only glad he managed to call for an ambulance and didn’t mess around phoning me here and asking silly questions about it.’
‘That was lucky,’ Ottilie said. She’d seen enough heart attack victims during her career to know that many of them wouldn’t have been able to speak or function, let alone phone for an ambulance. From that perspective he might well have saved himself.
‘Wasn’t it? Anyway, I came in to see if everything is all right here.’
‘You shouldn’t be worrying about us,’ Ottilie said. ‘We’re fine.’
‘Still, I thought I’d better check. And to let you know that I won’t be in for a few days.’
‘Yes, the locum said he’d been contracted for the rest of the week.’
As Ottilie said this, Dr Stokes walked in, coat on and satchel in hand.
Fliss shot him a shrewd look. ‘You’re covering for me?’
For a moment, he looked taken aback. Ottilie could see how her tone might sound a little confrontational, but her briskness was never rudeness, only practicality.
‘Yes. I think…Dr Cheadle?’
‘Fliss.’ She stuck out her hand for him to shake. ‘And you are…?’
‘Simon Stokes. How’s everything with you? I believe your husband is…?’
He hadn’t been present for the explanation Fliss had given to Ottilie and Lavender, and so Fliss briefly filled him in on the basics while he pulled a sympathetic face.
‘Do you think you might be off longer than this week?’ he asked finally.
‘It’s hard to say,’ Fliss replied. ‘Possibly, but I won’t know until I get more information from his consultant. Can you be available for longer if it’s necessary?’
‘I think so. I don’t have anything else lined up, and I’m still applying for permanent roles.’
‘Good.’ Fliss nodded thoughtfully. ‘I’d rather have someone who knows the ropes here than keep getting new people in every five minutes. Makes it easier for my staff for one thing.’
‘Not for the patients,’ he said with a wry smile. ‘You were missed. Apparently, if a doctor isn’t you, they can’t possibly be a proper doctor.’
Fliss gave a tight smile. ‘They’ll get over it. I can’t always be here for them.’
Ottilie wondered whether her flippant comment might carry more weight than she was letting on, because Fliss would always want to be there for her patients and would never suggest otherwise. Of course, she joked about them and about being asked to examine people in the village shop and such, but the reality was that she loved the people of this village. Being their GP carried a special sort of responsibility that she took very seriously.
‘Right, if you’re all coping, then I’m going to head back to the hospital to see Charles. I’ll pop in tomorrow morning.’
‘There’s really no need,’ Simon said.
‘No, you need to think about yourself and Charles,’ Lavender agreed. ‘We’ve got it under control.’
Fliss gave a brief nod. ‘Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow regardless.’
She turned to go.
‘Give our best to Charles, won’t you?’ Ottilie said.
‘I would,’ Fliss said, turning back to them, the first hint of new tears in her eyes, ‘but he’s not conscious. As soon as he’s out of intensive care and awake, I’ll be sure to pass on your good wishes.’
Ottilie exchanged a look of sorrow with Lavender. Fliss had never said he was so poorly, and she’d been so calm and collected Ottilie had never thought to ask. Now she felt guilty and miserable for not having realised sooner that Fliss was putting a very brave face on a terrible situation. At that moment, she couldn’t think of the right thing to say, and so she said nothing, and by the time something had come to mind, Fliss had already gone.
Heath wrapped his hand around Ottilie’s as they walked from her house to Flo’s. A damp fog blanketed the village, heavy droplets caught on cotton-wool air that felt thick enough that they’d have to chop their way through it. Evening was fast approaching, but it was heartening to Ottilie, who always loved summer best, that it came a little later every night. Warm, bright summer evenings were just around the corner, and she was looking forward to spending them with Heath in her beautiful Lakeland home.
Thinking of all the things they could do, and all the places she hadn’t yet seen that they would visit, lifted her spirits, because, try as she might to be positive, she was troubled and afraid for Fliss and Charles. Fliss had texted her (and presumably Lavender) since her visit to the surgery before they’d closed up and had said that Charles was stable and as good as he could be and that they shouldn’t worry about her – and could they make sure that the locum was available for emergency out-of-hours care? And for ever-practical Fliss, that last point was probably the main reason for texting at all.
Stable was good, wasn’t it? Ottilie thought so, but there could never be any complacency in cases like this. Years of nursing had told her that much. Was Fliss more worried than she let on, or should they take comfort from her apparent hope? Ottilie and Lavender had discussed it as they’d locked all the doors of the surgery, but neither of them felt certain of anything. Lavender had all the usual horror stories to share, of relatives who’d dropped down dead instantly, and though Ottilie hadn’t wanted to hear them, she had to admit she had plenty of her own.
‘It’ll be all right, you know.’ Heath squeezed her hand.
Ottilie looked up at him. God, she was glad not to be going through this alone, as she might once have been forced to do. She was glad to be able to share her fears with him and she was grateful for his quiet encouragement.
‘I hope so. I just feel so helpless.’
‘It doesn’t sound as if she wants your help.’
‘But she must need it.’
‘That might be true, but from what you’ve told me, I don’t think saying that to her is the way to go about things. She sounds proud. Not one for admitting a weakness.’
‘But in a situation this horrible anyone could be forgiven for a bit of weakness. She must know that.’
‘I’m sure she does, but that doesn’t change the sort of person she is. I’m sure she’ll ask if she needs it.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You say she’s super practical, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘So then she’s practical enough to admit when it makes sense to ask for something she needs.’
‘I suppose so.’
Ottilie was silent for a moment as their boots echoed on the lane. There was still a little traffic, the odd car moving through the village as people came home from late shifts at work, but the rush hour – such as it was in Thimblebury – was over and the roads were quiet. Most people were in their homes sitting around tables for evening meals or visiting friends or relatives, as she and Heath would be doing when they got to Flo’s house.
‘So what’s this spare doctor like?’ Heath asked. ‘Has it been difficult today working with him?’
‘Actually no, he’s good. Seems to know what he’s doing; more or less hit the ground running.’
‘Makes life easier for you then.’
‘Loads. It’s stressful enough so at least that’s one thing we don’t have to worry about.’
‘Where’s he worked before?’
‘Don’t know. He hasn’t said, though I get the impression he’s been out of the country even though he’s based in Liverpool now.’
‘What makes you say that?’
‘Little things he says. He’s applying for jobs, but he’s too old to be newly qualified, and he’s too good to be an agency locum, so I think he must have been out of the workplace – or the health service here, at any rate – for a while. I wonder if he’s trying to get back into it after a sabbatical.’
‘I suppose that makes sense. It’s a good thing he’s working out because sounds as if you might be stuck with him for a while.’
Ottilie nodded. ‘I remember…’ She drew a breath and started again. She’d wanted to say something about Josh, about how she could empathise with Fliss because she knew what that fear was, how bereft Fliss would be if she lost Charles, but this was Heath, and if she wasn’t careful he’d start to feel as if he was playing second fiddle to a dead man. She checked herself more and more often whenever she wanted to talk about Josh. Heath had never said anything to make her feel she ought to, but she did it all the same.
Oversensitive, Stacey had said when Ottilie had aired her fears about it, and perhaps she was right. Ottilie only knew how she might feel had things been the other way around.
‘I think I might start a collection of some sort,’ she said instead.
‘For Fliss?’
‘Yes.’
‘What would you do with the money?’
‘I don’t know, buy a gift to show her the village is thinking about her. Like flowers maybe.’
‘Sounds like a waste of money to me. She doesn’t sound like a flower sort of woman.’
‘No, I don’t think she is, but it’s a token, isn’t it? It’s not about the flowers but about what they’re saying. I’ll talk to Lavender at lunch tomorrow to see what she thinks, but I bet she’ll be up for helping me to collect.’
When they arrived at Flo’s house, the front door was already open.
‘Saw you coming down the road!’ Flo shouted from the sitting room.
‘I’ll bet she did,’ Heath said, grinning as he closed the front door and followed Ottilie down the hallway.
‘Behave,’ Ottilie whispered, trying not to laugh. ‘That’s your grandma you’re talking about.’
‘Yes it is, and I know only too well what she’s like.’
‘What’s that?’
Flo appeared at the doorway, arms folded across her chest.
‘I said it’s lovely and light in here,’ Heath said, Ottilie trying not to giggle. ‘Because you’ve got all your lights on. A bit like Blackpool illuminations.’
Flo rolled her eyes as he kissed her on the cheek, and then Ottilie did the same. She and Flo had a strange and new relationship since she’d started to date Heath – no longer just the local nurse and not quite a surrogate granddaughter, but an odd ground somewhere in the middle. There was an uncertain affection on both sides, something beyond the friendship they’d started to cultivate after Ottilie’s arrival in Thimblebury, but not quite family.
As soon as Ottilie’s bottom had hit the armchair in Flo’s living room, the questions began.
‘What’s this about Doctor Cheadle being off sick today? I heard there was an ambulance outside her husband’s house. Do you know why? You must know why.’
Ottilie didn’t see the point in keeping Charles’s heart attack a secret any longer, and she didn’t think Fliss would be keeping it a secret now either. It was only a matter of time before it became common knowledge, because enough people knew enough fragments of the truth to be able to share and piece them together.
‘She’s not sick, Charles is. That’s why she’s off.’
‘Oh. What’s wrong with him?’
‘Heart attack.’
‘Is he dead?’
‘No,’ Ottilie said patiently. ‘He’s sick.’
‘I’m not surprised.’ Flo folded her arms and gave a supremely knowledgeable look. ‘The way they drink, the pair of them. Surprised it hasn’t happened to one of them before now.’
‘That’s not exactly helpful, Gran. You’re supposed to say how sorry you are to hear it.’
‘To Ottilie? It’s not her who needs to hear how sorry I am. Doesn’t make any difference to her, does it? She’s not ill. And I’m not sorry. He should have looked after himself better. His wife’s a doctor – you’d think if anyone knew how to look after himself, it would be him. And they say it’s old people bogging down the health service.’
Ottilie’s cheeks flared. She was fond of Flo, and usually she could take her rantings with a pinch of salt, but this was a step too far.
Heath glanced at her and then shot his gran a warning look. Not that Flo noticed.
‘She needs to lose weight as well,’ she continued. ‘Or she’ll be next. And she had the nerve to send me for tests for my heart.’
‘If you recall, I asked her to do that!’ Ottilie stood up. ‘I’m going to…Sorry…Just getting some air…’
She marched down the hallway and out into the cool evening, swallowing breaths to control her temper. She didn’t want to fall out with Flo, and she knew it was only idle gossip, but Fliss was suffering and she was a loyal friend to the people of Thimblebury. She didn’t deserve to be the subject of cruel, unthoughtful comments like Flo’s. It was as if Flo was enjoying it.
‘Ott…’
She turned to see Heath at the front door.
‘I’m all right. It’s been a weird day, that’s all.’
‘I know. And Gran gets it now. She wants to say she’s sorry; she didn’t know it would be so triggering for you.’
‘Triggering? So that’s her word, is it?’
‘Well’ – Heath gave a wry smile – ‘I’m paraphrasing. But she does realise she’s out of order.’
‘I’m sure it’s nothing Fliss wouldn’t admit herself. She’s always said she knows they drink and eat far too much, but nobody asks for illness, do they?’
‘Of course not. We’re all guilty of that “it’ll never happen to me” mentality from time to time.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Come in. Half an hour and then we can go back to yours.’
‘We don’t need to do that. Just give me a minute.’
‘You’re still mad?’
‘No; I’m not mad. It’s…My brain is all over the place. I need a minute to get it in order. Go and talk to your gran; I’ll be in shortly.’
He was silent for a moment, making no move to go inside.
Ottilie sent him a silent question.
‘It’s about more than Fliss and Charles, isn’t it?’ he asked, and she let out a sigh.
‘I can’t get anything past you, can I?’
‘I haven’t forgotten it’s a weird time for you right now.’
‘Josh’s birthday’s coming up. I didn’t want to keep going on about it, but…’
‘So I’m right.’
She nodded. ‘It’s just another thing, and it doesn’t seem important at all when something like Charles’s heart attack happens, but yes, it’s on my mind. In the most horrible way, I just want to go to the cemetery and get it over and done with. Is that awful? Because it feels awful. I feel so guilty, but that’s how it is. I want to remember him, but it hurts, and I don’t want you to think…’
‘Hey, we talked about this. We’re together but that doesn’t erase him from your life. He was here before me, and that’s fine. Sometimes I feel shitty, because I wouldn’t wish what happened to him on anyone but I am grateful to have you, and I know I wouldn’t have you if he’d still been alive. So if anyone ought to feel guilty, that’s a big tick for me right there.’
‘Who knew this whole second-go thing would be so hard?’
‘If it’s any consolation, you don’t need to have any guilt where Mila is concerned. My toxic ex can stay in my past where she belongs.’
‘I suppose it’s one less complication, and God knows we have enough of those.’
‘Maybe, but we’re worth it, aren’t we?’
Ottilie nodded. ‘I hope so.’
‘Only hope? So you don’t know how crazy I am about you? I haven’t demonstrated it enough already? Jeez, what do I need to do?’
She couldn’t help a quiet laugh now. ‘I don’t know. I think I get it. I’m sorry if I’m sometimes a bit unsure. And I get so scared…’
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘That’s what Fliss thought about Charles only twelve hours ago. And now look at them.’
‘OK, I don’t intend to go anywhere. How’s that? I’m afraid it’s the best I can do.’
‘I know it is, and that’s what scares me. I keep telling myself that lightning can’t strike twice, but the thing is, it can. It does.’
‘It’s less likely.’
‘But still possible.’
Heath walked the path to take her in his arms, and she let her head sink into his shoulder. His shirt had got damp from the mist; she could feel the fabric sticking to her cheek as she listened to his heartbeats. Safe, solid, strong. It gave her comfort to hear them, to know he was alive and real and present in her life. This thing with Heath was still so new, and yet she couldn’t imagine a day when she wouldn’t want to have him close.
‘I get it,’ he said, kissing her head. ‘You know that I do. I can’t tell you what you want to hear; I wish I could. All I can do is let you know that I understand and that you don’t have to keep it from me. Whatever you’re feeling, however scared or doubtful, even if you think it sounds crazy, come and talk to me.’
‘I know, and I want to. I’ll try, I promise.’
‘It’s not a promise you need to make to me but to yourself.’
‘Yeah, I know that too.’ Ottilie pulled away to look up at him. ‘Is your gran watching us from the window?’
He laughed. ‘Yes. She thinks if she pulls the curtains open just a crack we can’t tell. Bloody nightmare she is.’
‘She’s just Flo. I suppose we can let her off that.’
‘You think you can go back in? Half an hour and we’ll head back to yours.’
‘Yes. I wasn’t really mad at her anyway.’
‘You could have fooled me.’
‘No, I wasn’t. I just have a short fuse right now.’
‘It’s understandable.’
As Ottilie turned to go back to the house, she noticed the curtain moving at the front window. Perhaps Flo was only trying to gauge how much she might have ticked off Ottilie. Poor Flo – she wouldn’t have meant it. Ottilie decided she must try harder to be more tolerant. She had the feeling she was going to need all the patience and tolerance she could muster over the next few weeks.