Chapter Thirteen
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Another weekend was fast approaching. Ottilie’s week had been strained, with news of the trial from Faith and having learned Fliss hadn’t yet decided whether she was going to retire or not, or whether Simon was going to stay.
‘All right, Ottilie,’ Geoff said cheerfully from behind the counter. ‘Want your bread rolls? We were getting low so I thought I’d put some up for you just in case.’
She put her milk on the counter. ‘Yes, I’ll take them as you’ve saved them for me.’
‘Sounding a bit weary there. Long week?’
‘Kind of,’ Ottilie said, forcing a smile for him.
Ottilie got out her reusable bag, and Geoff took it from her to pack her groceries. ‘Have you seen much of Flo this week?’ he asked.
‘Not really. It’s been one of those funny weeks where I don’t seem to have had time to see anyone. Why?’
‘No reason. Only that she came in yesterday and didn’t seem quite herself. I mean, she can be a bit cranky, but she seemed worse than usual.’
‘Oh, you know she can be up and down,’ Ottilie said, trying to believe her own words but a vague concern crept over her. ‘I’ll call later, though. Thanks for mentioning it.’
‘I’d call, but I think she opens up to you a bit more. You know, because of you and Heath.’
‘Of course.’
Geoff looked a little mischievous now. ‘And how is that going?’
‘Good,’ Ottilie said as neutrally as she could. Perhaps, on a different day or in a more positive mood, she might have been more enthusiastic. The truth was, her relationship and her new troubles with Heath had been on her mind more and more of late. There was all the weirdness around Mila, which they still hadn’t put the time aside to fully address, and the fact that he still hadn’t said those three little words to her. People could be in love without having to say it – she knew that well enough – but that coupled with everything else was unnerving. Her doubts were growing daily – was her relationship with Heath really as strong as she’d believed it to be?
‘Only good?’
‘Very good.’
‘So we might hear wedding bells soon?’
‘God, no!’ Ottilie spluttered. ‘It’s way too soon for that!’
Geoff’s face fell. ‘Could you hurry up? It’s ages since we had a decent wedding round here.’
‘I’m sorry to disappoint you, but it might be a bit more ages. We’re…’ She paused. What were they? She still wasn’t entirely sure she knew. ‘Taking it steady,’ she said finally.
Geoff nodded. ‘Very sensible.’
Sensible was a word she often heard in the same sentence as her name. That was her: sensible Ottilie Oakcroft. Sometimes she wished she could be something more exciting, but she supposed she could only be what she was.
Ottilie left the shop, wondering if she ought to check in on Flo on the way home. It might be nothing, but if there was a problem, she knew from previous experience that uncovering it early was a good idea where Flo was concerned.
She was tired and she wanted to get home, but if she was going to see Flo without Heath (and she had a feeling that would be more productive), then she was going to have to do it immediately because she had an entire weekend full of Heath planned.
The sun was already sinking below the horizon as she took the path to Flo’s cottage, the temperature dropping rapidly. There would be a frost, and the sooner she was at home with her fire on the better. Just one more errand, she told herself, and then the evening was all hers to ruminate on what the week had brought.
The knock echoed down the lane. A minute later, Flo opened up. She looked tired but still managed a smile.
‘I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight! I thought you’d be coming over with Heath this weekend.’
‘I was. I mean, I am. I was just passing and thought I’d call in to see how you’re doing.’
Flo gave a keen look. ‘Just passing, eh?’
Ottilie laughed. ‘All right. I can’t get anything past you, can I? I wasn’t passing, but I was sort of around and I did want to see how you were doing.’
‘You could have done that with Heath.’ Flo nodded for Ottilie to follow her down the hallway.
‘I know,’ Ottilie said as she went in and closed the front door, shutting out an ochre sunset. ‘But sometimes it’s nice for us to have women chats, you know. You can’t talk about the same things when there’s a bloke around.’
‘That’s true. What’s on your mind then?’
Ottilie found a space to sit in Flo’s cramped living room. Not cramped because it was small – although it was – but because of the countless ornaments and souvenirs that littered every surface. Flo always said she was a collector, but Ottilie would have called it hoarding. Still, she knew that Flo had a story for every piece and that everything was important; Flo wouldn’t have kept it otherwise. She might have been a bit of a hoarder, but there was still a system.
‘It’s not so much what’s on my mind as what’s on yours.’
‘Mine?’ Flo looked up sharply as she settled on the sofa. ‘Why would there be anything on my mind? Has someone said something?’
‘No. I’m only saying, if there was anything on your mind I’d be all ears if you wanted to talk about it.’
‘Nothing on my mind,’ Flo grumbled. ‘I suppose you want a cup of tea now you’re here.’
This was Flo’s way of saying she’d be upset if Ottilie didn’t stay for tea, and so she nodded. ‘I’d love one if there’s a cup going spare.’
Flo pushed herself up again and went to the kitchen. Ottilie could hear the sounds of the tap being run to fill the kettle and then it being set to boil.
A moment later Flo returned. ‘You’ve opened a can of worms, you know.’
Ottilie blinked. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Heath’s ex-wife. She saw you out with him, didn’t she?’
‘How did you know that?’
‘Because she wanted to know about you, that’s how. No shame, that woman. I can’t believe she dared to phone me after everything she’s done. I can’t believe I even gave her the time of day but she caught me off guard. Don’t worry – it won’t happen again. Next time I hear that voice I will put the phone down.’
Ottilie shifted awkwardly, unsure why she suddenly felt so unsettled by the notion that Mila had been asking about her but knowing that she did all the same. ‘What did she want to know?’
‘Oh, I didn’t tell her anything. Fool me once and all that. Was a time I might have fallen for it, but not now.’
‘She didn’t come here, did she?’
‘No, no…’ Flo waved away the notion. ‘Only on the telephone.’
Ottilie wanted to ask if Flo thought that would be the end of the matter, but it was obvious by the accusation that she’d opened a can of worms that it was far from the end. She had the worrying feeling that it was only the beginning. Was this the reason Flo had been so tetchy with Geoff?
‘Did it upset you to hear from her?’ Ottilie asked. ‘Only last time she was trying to get money from you.’
Flo didn’t reply. Instead, she went back into the kitchen and Ottilie heard her making the tea.
‘So what time shall I expect you and Heath tomorrow?’ she asked when she came back in with their drinks. ‘Will we be going out anywhere? Let me know in plenty of time so I can look for my mac – it’s given out rain.’
‘Um, I don’t know. Heath hasn’t mentioned plans. I could ask him to let you know.’
‘You’d have thought he’d have the brains to do that himself. Gets that from his mother.’
Ottilie was well acquainted by now with the fractious nature of Flo’s relationship with her daughter-in-law, so she let the comment slide. Any chance to get a dig at Heath’s mum was a chance Flo grabbed, sometimes even at the expense of the grandson she adored.
‘Flo…I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to talk about her, but…’ Ottilie paused. Was this a good idea? ‘Should I be worried?’
‘About what?’
‘About Mila.’
‘Oh, no!’ Flo threw her hands into the air. ‘God, no! Heath thinks the world of you!’
‘It’s not Heath I’m thinking of. I’ve heard things about Mila. She can’t really be as bad as she sounds, can she?’
‘She’d see you for the sap you are a mile away – best to keep well clear.’
Ottilie frowned. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Don’t get me wrong, everyone around here loves you to bits, but you are a bit wet.’
‘Thanks!’ Ottilie huffed. ‘I don’t even know what to say to that.’
‘Trust me, if she comes knocking, don’t open the door.’
‘She can’t be that bad! You’re making her sound like Al Capone!’
‘Hmm…’ Flo put her cup to her lips and slurped a mouthful of tea.
Ottilie watched her. She knew Mila had tried to con her and had caused plenty of trouble during her marriage to Heath, but was she really that bad? And she had a new man now. Then again, she had phoned Flo asking about Ottilie. Why? Curiosity? Perhaps. Perhaps Ottilie could give her the benefit of the doubt. Plenty of women would be curious about their ex’s new partner, wouldn’t they? If not, what could she possibly want from Ottilie? It wasn’t like she had money or anything else Mila might want.
There was Heath, of course. What if Mila had never got over him?
No. Ottilie shook off the thought. That would be insane. They’d been divorced for ages, so why would anything happen now? And there was no way Heath would take her back even if she did want him. Would he? Her mind went back to the restaurant where they’d bumped into her, and she remembered the pure hatred on his face, and she thought now, as she’d thought then, that nobody could hate like that without caring. Was he really over her?
‘Is Dr Cheadle back yet?’ Flo asked, breaking into Ottilie’s thoughts.
‘Not yet.’
‘I doubt she’ll come back,’ Flo returned sagely. ‘She’s not getting any younger.’
‘She’s not that old.’
‘Still…What about that new man?’
‘Dr Stokes?’
‘Is he staying? Lavender says he might.’
‘Lavender would,’ Ottilie said wearily. Of course Lavender had been gossiping all over Thimblebury about him. ‘I don’t have a clue. I don’t even know whether it’s been discussed.’
‘Lavender says it has. Says they were in there today talking about it.’
‘If they were, it’s more than I know. Fliss could have been signing his agency timesheet for all anyone knows, Lavender included.’
‘Is he foreign?’
‘No.’
‘Only Lavender says he’s only recently come to England.’
‘He’s only just come back to England.’
‘Oh. So is he any good?’
‘Brilliant, actually. I think Thimblebury could do a lot worse than him offering to stay. But he drives in from Liverpool every day so I don’t know how feasible that would be long-term.’
‘Couldn’t he buy a house here?’
‘He could try, but knowing how little there was for sale when I was buying I don’t think it’s quite as simple as that. I suppose he could move a bit closer if it was worth his while.’ Ottilie sipped at her tea. ‘You’re very interested in our locum doctor all of a sudden.’
‘I like to know who’s going to be looking after me in my dotage, that’s all.’
‘It might well be Fliss, so I wouldn’t worry about it yet.’
‘Lavender says she wants to retire.’
Ottilie let out an impatient sigh. Bloody Lavender…
‘That doesn’t mean it’s set in stone. She talked about it – that’s all.’
‘I don’t expect she can manage nowadays. At her age.’
‘She’s not that old!’
‘Hmm. Everyone says the new man is very young.’
‘I think he’s about forty, so not especially.’
‘He looks young.’
‘I suppose he must be lucky then.’
‘Good-looking too.’
‘I suppose so, if you like that sort of thing.’
‘Must be nice to have him decorating the place all day long.’
‘What do you mean – decorating?’
‘You know, must be easy on the eye. Nice to look at.’
Ottilie held back another deep frown. ‘I don’t think what he looks like has anything to do with it. He works hard and we’d have sunk without him when Fliss went off.’
‘Lavender fancies him.’
‘Lavender never said anything to me like that.’
‘I can tell. And I’ll tell you who else fancies him…Magnus does. Geoff doesn’t like that at all.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Geoff told me.’
‘Did he?’
‘Not in so many words…’ Flo folded her arms. ‘But I can tell what he meant. And Stacey. Fair fainting over him, the whole village…Can’t see it myself.’
‘Neither can I,’ Ottilie said firmly. ‘I mean, he’s a lovely man and, yes, I can appreciate he’s handsome, but that’s as far as it goes for me.’
Flo gave a slow, silent nod, as if she was mulling over Ottilie’s statement, and then seemed satisfied. Ottilie wondered if she’d been somehow concerned that Heath might get shoved aside for Simon. It sounded silly, but then again, Flo had been hugely invested in her grandson and Ottilie getting together. In fact, she’d done her best to engineer it from the moment she’d met Ottilie.
‘I’m more than a bit partial to Heath,’ Ottilie added. ‘And no handsome new doctor will change that.’
‘I never thought it would,’ Flo said, a defensive edge to her tone.
‘I know. But I’m saying it anyway.’ Ottilie gave a conspiratorial smile and leaned in. ‘So Magnus has a thing for him?’
This seemed to cheer Flo no end. Her troubled frown turned into a grin. ‘Oh, you don’t know the half of it!’
Once Ottilie had phoned Heath and told her about Faith’s news, he arranged for them to spend that Sunday in a spa. He’d said she’d earned it, and he hoped it would help her relax, but Ottilie could tell his heart wasn’t in it when he arrived to pick her up. Her misgivings hadn’t been helped by the fact that they’d been meant to spend the entire weekend together, but he’d been forced to cancel their Saturday plans, saying he was snowed under with work. Somehow, Ottilie couldn’t help but feel this was an excuse, though she tried not to see it that way. But was it more than that? Was there a problem? Was it a bigger deal than she wanted to believe?
‘What’s wrong?’
He kissed her vaguely as she got in the car. ‘I could ask you the same thing.’
‘Nothing’s wrong with me except trying to work out what’s wrong with you.’
‘I’m fine.’
He turned the key in the ignition, and Ottilie closed her mouth, swallowing back any further interrogation. His tone told her he wasn’t in the mood to discuss it, but if he was trying to convince her there was nothing going on, he was doing a terrible job. Something had happened. Was it to do with Mila? She cursed herself. Why was it her mind always went there lately? Why was she so fixated suddenly on Heath’s troublemaking ex? Stupid Ottilie. She was spiralling, and she was heading to a bad place if she didn’t get a hold on this and sort it out.
The spa hotel was an hour away. As they drove in, however, she was beginning to think it might be harder work than a spa day was ever meant to be. She’d sensed an edge in the car, a strange atmosphere that had made conversation more awkward than it had ever been between them. She couldn’t tell if it was Heath’s fault or hers, but it was there just the same.
‘This looks lovely, doesn’t it?’ Ottilie grabbed his hand as they walked towards the vast row of white columns that heralded a grand entrance. The venue was a renovated stately home, beautiful and elegant, with perfectly manicured grounds and a pristine gravel path that crunched beneath their feet. Some would say it was a bit too clinical, especially compared to the wild and wonderful garden of Wordsworth Cottage, Ottilie’s home, but if it meant some desperately needed pampering and relaxation, Ottilie could cope with that.
‘What’s first?’ she added. ‘The pool? Oh, have they got a sauna? They’ll have a sauna, right? And a hot tub? What about one of those hydro things? You know, the ones that massage you? Have they got one of those?’
‘Are you thinking of doing them all at once?’
Ottilie let out a little laugh. Things had been strained on the drive over, but perhaps she’d sensed tension that hadn’t really been there. Perhaps it had come from her rather than him. She still had things on her mind, but she was optimistic, now they’d arrived, that today would go a long way to helping ease that stress.
‘But what do you fancy doing first?’
He turned and raised a saucy eyebrow, and her laughter grew.
‘I mean in the spa,’ she chided.
‘You want to do it in the spa? I don’t think the manager will be happy about that. And as for the other customers…’
‘Stop it!’ Ottilie shoved a playful elbow into him. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘Do I?’
‘Yes, so stop teasing me.’
‘OK, OK…I’ve booked you a massage first. And then I thought maybe we could get hot stones or…whatever you like.’
‘Facial? I could do with some tightening up.’
‘Tightening up? What are you talking about?’
‘You know, a bit of nip and tuck, a bit of smoothing here and there.’
‘Don’t be daft. I mean, have a facial if you want one, but to me, you’re perfect as you are.’
‘Well, I love that, but I’m still going to have one if I can. How about you?’
‘You think I need a facial?’
‘No, silly. I mean what treatments do you fancy?’
‘I don’t know…I expect I’ll spend some time in the pool and maybe do some reading. Have a nice lunch with my best girl, you know…that sort of thing.’
Ottilie pulled him into her. ‘So where is she?’
‘My best girl? I don’t know. I’m sure she’ll turn up at some point.’
‘Cheeky.’
‘You wouldn’t have me any other way.’
‘You’re right, I wouldn’t.’
While Heath checked them in, Ottilie browsed a list of treatments. He’d already booked a massage for her, and she’d told him she wanted one or two other things too, but there was also a bit of her that didn’t want to be separated from him, even for the short time her treats would last. This was meant to be a couple’s day after all, so what kind of couple’s day was it if they weren’t doing anything together? So she decided against the facial but would suggest they went for a sauna or perhaps a dip, and then got lunch.
Then they stowed their belongings in a locker and got changed into fluffy robes and slippers, the fabric wrapping around Ottilie like an embrace, her cares instantly lifting from her. She felt a ton lighter, and as she emerged from the changing area to find Heath waiting for her, she could see the same look on his face too, despite the fact he’d insisted that the day was for her to de-stress, not necessarily for him. Judging by the way his brow had cleared, he’d had his own burdens, whether he’d admit to them or not. Ottilie wasn’t surprised – everyone did. If he got as much from this day as she did, then it would be a day well spent.
‘I’m so up for this,’ she said as Heath offered his arm and they made their way to the sauna.
‘Me too. It’s weird, isn’t it? You think you’re relaxed when you go home after work or whatever, but you’re not really relaxed. You need something like this to properly let go, but you don’t even realise that until you get it.’
‘Absolutely. Let me tell you, I haven’t felt relaxed when I’ve got home from work this week. It’s been a hell of a week, in fact.’
‘Oh? Anything I should be worried about?’
‘Oh, the usual. By which I mean, not usual at all, but only the stuff I’ve already told you about. But honestly, that’s more than enough.’
‘I can imagine. Same here. But that’s what today is about.’
‘Well, I love it. Thank you so much for booking it.’
They spent an hour alternating between the sauna and the plunge pool, sleepy in the first one and exhilarated in the second, and by the time they’d done there, Ottilie’s skin was tingling and she was already more relaxed than she’d been in months. She went off to her massage and Heath went to the pool to do some lengths and wait for her. The massage finished the job that the sauna had started, and by the time she found him sitting on a lounger poolside with the latest Lee Child novel, she was about ready to take a nap, and she told him so.
‘It’s lucky we don’t have a room booked,’ she said as she sat next to him. ‘If we had, I’d have been tempted to go and get forty winks.’
‘You could have done.’
‘But I wouldn’t have wanted to waste a single minute of this lovely treat.’
‘I think it’s lucky we don’t have a room booked as well.’
Ottilie clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth but she was smiling. ‘You’re terrible.’
‘You’re gorgeous – can I help myself?’
Laughing, she ran a hand through her hair. ‘I’ve done sauna, plunge pool and massage, and you think I look gorgeous? I must look as if I’ve been dragged through a hedge by my legs.’
‘You do. I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.’
‘Yes, you would.’
‘Maybe.’ He grinned. ‘But I mean it.’
Ottilie leaned in to kiss him. She’d never been a public kissing type of woman, but just this once, she didn’t care who was watching. Pressing his lips to hers, he took her breath away, and she had to agree that it was a good thing they didn’t have a suite reserved because they’d have been in it, and there wouldn’t have been much relaxing going on.
‘Want to swim?’ he asked, pulling away, his eyes still locked onto hers.
‘I suppose I could fit in a length before lunch.’
‘I told you we don’t have a room booked…’
Ottilie let out a saucy giggle. ‘I don’t even know what to say to that!’
‘Sorry, I couldn’t resist it. Seriously, though, we could have a quick dip and then see about getting some food. I’m feeling peckish.’
‘Me too. I haven’t looked at the menu yet. Have you?’
‘No, but I hope they have the salmon on. It’s really good.’
Ottilie’s forehead creased into a vague frown. ‘I didn’t realise you’d eaten here before.’
‘Oh, yeah…’
Heath shifted on his lounger, and something in his expression was suddenly guilty. Or was that in Ottilie’s imagination? Why would he be feeling guilty? Weren’t they having the loveliest day? Hadn’t they both been fancying the pants off each other, only moments before?
‘Oh…’ Ottilie paused, struggling to piece something together that made no sense. ‘So you’ve been here before? I thought this was your first time too.’
He nodded slowly. ‘Yeah. Ages ago.’ He rose from the lounger, shed his robe and walked towards the pool. ‘Coming?’
The crease in her forehead etched a little deeper as she watched him get into the water. He’d never told her he hadn’t been here before, but at the same time, when he’d booked it, if he had, surely he would have said so? It was a natural thing to do. If it had been the other way round she’d have told him before they arrived. There was no reason not to. Unless…
She followed him to the steps and got into the water. He was already swimming towards the deep end, and she struck out after him. He got to the end and turned to face her, ready to go again, but she held out a hand to stop him.
‘When did you come here?’ she asked.
‘A few years ago, I think. Does it matter?’
‘No, I just think it’s weird you didn’t mention it earlier.’
‘I didn’t think it made any difference. We’re still having a nice day, aren’t we? I knew we would because I knew it was nice. I wouldn’t have brought you if I hadn’t known that.’
‘You might have done. It’s never stopped you before – we try new restaurants neither of us have been to all the time.’
‘I never thought it was an issue. I don’t know why it is – why are you suddenly so hung up about it?’
‘I’m not. It feels like you are.’
‘I’m not either.’
Ottilie didn’t want to ask the next question, but it seemed to have a life of its own, because it came out anyway. As soon as it had, she wished she’d been able to stop it.
‘Did you bring Mila here?’
He didn’t answer, and that was enough to tell her the truth. She watched him swim back to the shallow end.
It didn’t matter. He’d had a life before her, in exactly the same way she’d had a life before him. He’d had Mila and she’d had Josh. It didn’t matter, did it? He was bringing her to a place he already knew about. But why not tell her that? Why the secrecy? And why this place? She’d never take him to a place she’d been with Josh, not deliberately. Yes, there’d been that one restaurant in Manchester, but that had been his suggestion and she’d not had the heart to rain on his parade. And they hadn’t ended up eating there anyway because Mila had turned up.
Mila – the queen of raining on parades, it seemed, because, try as she might not to let it bother her, Ottilie suddenly hated that Heath had brought Mila here long before he’d brought her. And perhaps she could have forgiven it if he’d been upfront. Was she being unreasonable for feeling this way?
She swam back along the length of the pool, trying to shake her doubt and irritation. He’d done a lovely thing for her – that was the only thing that mattered, wasn’t it? It wouldn’t be fair to ruin it over some petty, irrational jealousy that made absolutely no sense. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them, because until this point, she’d been having a great time.
‘I’m hungry,’ Heath said as she reached him for the second time. ‘Let’s go and eat, eh?’
Ottilie wanted to argue. She wanted to talk more about what had just happened between them. She wanted to let it go. She wanted to forget it had ever been said, and that she’d ever had these feelings. She didn’t know what she wanted or how to feel. She could only nod.
‘OK.’
But she knew she’d sit across from him in the dining room and she’d look at the menu and wonder how much of it he’d tasted with Mila in her seat. How many times had they been there together? Was it a regular thing or a one-off? Was it significant? Did it hold special meaning for them? Had he proposed there? Had they rented a suite and made love there when they hadn’t been able to contain themselves? Ottilie hated herself for dwelling on things that she knew didn’t matter. He wasn’t there with Mila now; he was there with her. He’d parted from Mila and she knew there was no love left, so why did she feel this way about her discovery? There was no reason or logic to it, but still she couldn’t help it.
As she watched him go to retrieve his robe from the lounger, she had a sudden yearning to go home. The shine had gone from the day and she didn’t know how she was going to get through the rest of it. But she was afraid to ask, because she knew where that would lead and she didn’t want to go there. He’d be hurt, and she’d seem unreasonable, and they wouldn’t be able to understand each other’s points of view and it would get horribly messy. It might even be their first full argument. It might even be the beginning of the end. Despite this, she cared for Heath and she didn’t want to lose him before they’d even had a chance. No matter what it took, she had to make this right somehow.
She climbed the steps to get her own robe, a sudden chill and goosebumps on her dripping skin. Heath watched her, his own robe now wrapped around him. As she pulled hers on too, he reached for her.
‘Listen…I’m sorry. I should have told you.’
‘It doesn’t matter?—’
‘I can see it does. I didn’t think it was a big deal but I was wrong. I only brought you here because I knew it was a nice place and I knew you’d like it. I should have searched for somewhere else.’
‘It’s lovely…’ Ottilie was shivering.
‘You’re cold?’ He frowned.
‘I’m fine. Must be all the in and out of the water and whatnot.’
He pulled her into an embrace, her cheek pressed against the softness of his robe. It smelled of the outdoors, though Ottilie suspected that was the soap powder because there was a faint tinge of the unnatural about it, not like when she dried washing on her line in her little garden in Thimblebury, where it was all fresh air and mountains.
‘Forgive me?’
‘There’s nothing to forgive.’
‘Why do I feel as if that’s not true?’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the idiot. It never occurred to me until now that it might even be an issue me coming here with Mila.’
‘That only makes me feel worse.’ Ottilie looked up at him. ‘It makes me feel stupid for my reaction, like it’s totally out of proportion. If it didn’t even occur to you then that means I overreacted to something that meant nothing.’
‘You didn’t!’ He let out a sigh. ‘Ottilie, if it matters to you then it matters. I should have seen it – I’m the stupid one, not you.’
‘If I ask you something, promise it won’t…’ Ottilie shook her head. ‘Never mind.’
‘What? You can’t start that conversation and then just drop it.’
‘I can because it’s silly, and I already know the answer.’
‘What did I just say? If it matters to you then it matters. That applies to anything, no matter how small or silly you’re afraid it might be. So ask me.’
‘I don’t want to. It’s insulting and you’d have every right to be annoyed. I’d rather leave it.’
He bent to kiss her again. There was no lust this time, only confusion and worry and sadness and an attempt to reassure her that he clearly wasn’t convinced he could pull off. All the sudden uncertainty and doubt they now both felt was in that kiss. It was almost a kiss to gauge her reaction, to see how far she was willing to forgive the huge mistake he must have now felt he’d made. Ottilie had done that, and in the kiss she offered in return there was remorse.
She told herself it didn’t matter, just as she’d done before, but it would never be true. And in the back of her mind the question still lingered, the one she was too afraid to ask. He’d told her about Mila, about how difficult his life with her had been, that their relationship had been toxic and doomed from the start, and yet he’d once admitted that he’d loved her so much he’d struggled to let go, even when he’d known how bad she was for him. So the question was this: despite what he said, did the fact he’d brought Ottilie here today mean on some level he still thought about Mila? Did he sometimes wish he was still with her? Did he still love her?
Ottilie was afraid of the answer but even more afraid that she might never know.