Chapter 23
LACEY
This isn’t happening again.
As much as I want to pull my hair out and scream in frustration at this man, I can’t stop thinking about everything he’s lost. I thought about it on the walk down, the fact that his entire life, he’s lost the people who love him. So maybe that’s taught him to pull away before he can get hurt.
Well, I’m not going to let him. If there’s one thing to know about me, it’s that I’m a stubborn bitch when I want to be.
“What the hell?” I ask, when, instead of inviting me into his place, Max just stares at me, a plethora of emotions crossing his handsome face.
I want to reach out and cup his cheek in my palm.
I also kind of want to grab his shoulders and shake him, ask him how many times we’re going to have to go through something like this before he realizes that retreating and shutting down isn’t the way.
That in order to get through anything, you have to talk about it.
A wave of nausea rolls through me. After so long being away from the city and away from strife, all this emotional tumult at once is shaking my body to the core. I had to stop halfway down the mountain, hand to my mouth, to keep from throwing up.
“I told you,” Max says, that carefully blank look settling over his face again. “I need to finish—”
“What are you doing?” I ask, crossing my arms and shaking my head. “You heard me talking to my mom? So, what? Max, listen, I was telling her what she wanted to hear.”
He squares his jaw, takes a breath, and then says, “Look, Lacey. It’s been fun. But I told you before that I prefer to be alone. Why did you think it was going to be different with you?”
It hits me like a blow across the face, and I breathe through the pain, shaking my head. “No! Max, come on. Talk to me about whatever is bothering you.”
He blinks, licks his lips, and nods, looking away from me when he says, “Why, Lacey? So you can tell me what I want to hear, too? Because that’s what you do with everyone?
Tell your mom you’re going back to San Francisco.
Tell your boss you’re still thinking about the job, even after making it clear to me that you weren’t going to take it.
Tell Vanessa you’re going to finally work on that game together, even though you’re thinking about taking that promotion.
You can’t have both! When you capitulate to everyone, you commit to nobody. ”
It’s the most I’ve ever heard him say at one time. And he’s right, I realize. I do that. Give in to everyone. Try to make everyone happy but myself.
Max goes on, “So forgive me if I don’t want to be just another person in the line-up of not getting the full truth from you.”
If the first one hit me like a blow, this one hits me like a truck. I gasp, swallow, try to breathe through the moment so I don’t start crying on his doorstep.
“Renovations on the cabin are done,” Max says, jerking his head in the direction of my place, up the mountain. “Anything that’s left, you should know enough to finish on your own.”
With that, he nods to me one last time, and before I can say anything else, he closes the door in my face.
I still have my face in the toilet when my phone starts to buzz again. Thinking it’s my mom calling back, I stand up wearily and try to hit the button to cancel.
Instead, standing over the sink, rinsing out my mouth, I answer the call, and the sound of my boss’s voice fills the room. Choking, I mute it so I can spit out the water and straighten up.
“Hi, Lacey! Sorry to drop in like this, but I wanted to check in on what you’re thinking. The all-hands is coming up, and like I said, we’d want to have you back in the city for that if you’re planning to accept.”
Hands shaking, head pounding, I unmute myself and speak, hoping my voice doesn’t sound as weak as I’m feeling. “Hi, Gina. Yeah, I’m still thinking things through. As I’m sure you understand, committing to being in the city full-time, in-person is a lot.”
“Of course,” she says. “Well, I wanted to let you know that I’ve been talking to HR and impressing upon them just how much we want you for this position.
They’re sending over an updated version of the benefits and perks for you.
You should find an updated offer for the salary, as well as several new perks.
Look those over and let me know if they influence you. ”
There’s a smile in her voice, and I realize she probably thinks I’m playing hard-to-get as a negotiation tactic. In her mind, there’s probably no reason in the world I would ever turn this offer down.
At once, I hear everyone else in my head.
Vanessa saying, Oh my God, Lace. You’re literally doing the city-girl-moves-to-the-small-town-and-becomes-a-trad-wife thing.
My mother saying, Lacey Nicole Aarons. Please tell me my intuition is wrong. Please tell me you are not risking your position at the company for a man.
I feel like the Little Mermaid, screaming to everyone, but Daddy, I love him!
Do I love him? What does it mean to be in love with a man? I’ve never done it before, but if the way my body is reacting to this — trembling and feeling like I might vomit again — is any indication, then I must be head over heels.
The idea of not being with him, of losing our slow, lazy mornings and his hands on my skin… feels like losing a part of myself. How is it possible that another person has become so important to me in such a short amount of time?
“Lacey?” Gina asks, clearing her throat, and the triumphant tone in her voice must mean she thinks I’m stunned silent from the offer. “Are you still there?”
“Y-yes,” I say, scrubbing a hand over my face and staring at myself in the mirror.
My hair is a mess from practically running down the mountain, then trudging right back up.
I’m both freezing and sweating. My slippers are caked in mud and likely ruined.
“I’m here. I’ll take a look at that. Thank you, Gina. ”
“Anytime,” she says, chipper, surely expecting an email from me accepting the position the moment I look at the benefits they’re offering me.
What will it be? A luxury gym subscription and shares in Gaia, pet insurance for the pet I don’t have and transportation to and from work? Meal stipend and conference money every year? They could even get away with offering the newest games, delivering them to me before pre-order.
Thinking about it all — all the things that, at one time, would have elated me — feels like thinking about someone else’s life. What good is a gym membership going to do me when I’d much rather be walking through the woods with Max, working on the trail that stretches between my cabin and his?
I end the call with Gina and shuffle into the living room, staring at the little device in my hand. Maybe I should have left the damn thing in San Francisco.
Almost angrily, I press the button on the side until the power option pops up. Then I power down my phone and slide it across the floor, not quite having the constitution to throw it against a wall.
Finally letting the tears well up inside, I fall onto the couch, grab a pillow, and let myself cry into it until I can’t breathe.