Chapter Two #2
“Here are the answers to your questions.” I hand Sharon’s list back to her. She gives me a questioning look before taking it. “I wouldn’t read them right now.”
“Oh for…” She snaps her mouth shut. “When should I read them? You want to give me a date and time?”
I pull the other piece of paper out of my pocket. “I have Danny’s T-cell count results.”
I knew from her questions that Sharon had already done her research on AIDS, so I’m not surprised when she stops unfolding her list and her hands fall into her lap. She stares at the piece of paper in my hand like it has a magnetic pull on her eyes.
“Well?” she practically barks at me.
“Wait!” Danny holds a hand up, slowly and weakly. “I need a moment. Pass me my mirror, Sharon, I need to make sure I look fabulous for this terrible news.”
Sharon doesn’t hand him a mirror. Instead, she takes one of his hands in both of hers.
“Fine, no mirror. I know I’m currently a lost cause. I’ll try a deep breath instead.” He inhales deeply.
I pin my gaze on him as he exhales slowly and I don’t have to see Sharon to know she’s doing the same. He takes in another bumpy breath and then releases it again.
“Nope, that didn’t help. Still scared stiff.”
Sharon snorts. “You normally like being stiff,” she mutters.
Much to my amazement, Danny laughs. “There’s a first time for everything,” he says wheezily before being overcome by a coughing fit.
At this point in my nursing career, I’ve seen every kind of reaction to potential bad news.
There’s been denial, outrage, panic and tears.
Some people shut down for hours, unable to say a single word.
Others seem to take it in their stride, putting on a brave face, only to collapse in an emotional breakdown days or weeks later, if they’re lucky enough to get that.
Only rarely have I encountered people face it with what Danny and Sharon are clearly choosing: a sense of humour. I decide I can go along with that.
“So do you want the good news or the bad news first?” I ask Danny.
He winces slightly. “I’m bisexual, don’t make me decide.”
I can’t stop the bubble of laughter that dances up my throat. As Sharon jumps in her chair and swings her gaze to me, I know she’s surprised. She probably thought a cold-hearted bitch like me doesn’t laugh much. And she’s not completely wrong.
“Sorry,” I cover my mouth and clear my throat. “That was funny. I’m bisexual too…”
I snap my mouth shut and open my eyes wide in shock. I shouldn’t have shared that. It was incredibly unprofessional. I wish I could grab the words out of the air where they seem to linger and swallow them back down, especially when I feel Sharon’s stare intensify on me.
“Oh, was that the good news? Because that actually feels like good news to me.” Danny is smiling wider than I think he has since being admitted. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you, but no, it wasn’t.” I clear my throat again and do my best to compose my features, and to not look at Sharon who I can still sense is studying me with a new scrutiny. “The good news is,” I step to the side of his bed, opposite Sharon, “you’ll probably be seeing more of me.”
Danny blinks once and his smile evaporates. “Oh. So they’re low then.”
I show him the slip of paper. “Yes, low enough.”
“Low enough? What does that mean?” Sharon is out of her chair and leaning over Danny’s side to look at the paper.
“Enough to confirm that Danny now has AIDS.” This time my words don’t linger in the air, they stretch and fill the space we share, sucking all the oxygen and background noise out of it.
“Well, fuck,” Danny says in a quiet voice.
“No!” Sharon snatches the paper out of my hand. “No.”
“I’m afraid it’s true,” I say as gently as I can.
Her eyes roam the paper, looking for more numbers or more words or something. “Do the test again.” She thrusts the paper back at me, but I don’t take it.
So much for humour. Looks like we’re dealing with a classic case of denial.
“I will not be doing that,” I say, going to great lengths to keep my voice measured. I glance at Danny. He’s staring at an indeterminate spot on the blue curtain at the end of his bed.
Sharon puts her hands on her hips. “You will if I say so.”
Does she think Danny is the only patient I have on my ward? Does she think we’re in the habit of making mistakes? Does she think this virus is just going to skip her friend because she doesn’t want to have to face reality?
“This is not Harley Street, Ms Goldblatt.” I make absolutely no effort to keep my voice level now but I do keep it lowered so my other patients don’t have to suffer this woman’s unreasonable demands. “This is an overworked, underfunded NHS hospital in London.”
“I am aware of that,” she practically hisses through a clenched jaw. “That doesn’t mean you have to deny a patient’s simple request for a repeat blood test.”
“But the patient is not the one requesting it.” I fold my arms to punctuate what I think should be the final blow to her argument.
I’m surprised that Sharon opens her mouth immediately, clearly poised with a response, but Danny interrupts her.
“Good God, Sharon,” he snaps. “Drop it!”
I roll my shoulders back as I watch him grimace from the effort of that five-word outburst. I was hardly doing my duty of care towards him by indulging that dispute with Sharon, a conflict that aroused me just as much as it annoyed me.
I know this from the tightness in my nipples and the heat in my core.
Fuck. The sooner I can move on from this ridiculous infatuation the better, be it making her hate me or simply discharging Danny.
Yes, that’s exactly what I should be focusing on. Looking after my patient. Aiding his recovery and his adjustment to what now will look like a very different future to the one he thought he had a few days ago.
“My apologies,” I tell Danny, keeping my eyes on him alone. “I shouldn’t have let that get out of hand.”
“Sharon? Would you like to apologise too?” Danny prompts and I almost open my mouth to tell him it’s not necessary. I don’t want her apology; what I actually want is her bent over a bed with four of my fingers in her cunt.
I shake my head to dislodge that unwanted fantasy and lift my watch to check the time, speaking before I have to hear Sharon give me the world’s most insincere apology.
“Doctor’s rounds begin in just over an hour.
I suggest you read through the answers from yesterday’s questions and let me know if you need further explanation on anything.
If you have any more questions, please write them down again.
” I rip out another page of my notebook and place it on Danny’s bed. “I have other patients to see to now.”
“Thank you, Nurse Chiu,” Danny mumbles, and I give him a brief nod before opening the curtain and immediately closing it behind me.
I stand there, breathing deeply for long enough to hear Danny and Sharon start to talk.
“What the fuck was that?” he wheezes.
“She rubs me up the wrong way.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to rub her up the right way?”
“Jesus, Danny, give it a rest.”
“That wasn’t a no.”
“Well, this is a no. No, I don’t want that. I want her to run that blood test again. Because this…” Her voice trails off and I curse myself for straining to hear more.
“This is shit,” Danny finally says.
“Yes, it is. I’m so, so sorry, Danny,” Sharon says, all spite and scorn absent from her voice now. I hear the rustling of bedclothes moving and imagine her sitting beside him, reaching for his hand.
And then I walk away because I don’t think I want to hear any more.