Chapter Thirty-Six #2
“Well, exactly. You already have enough difficult things in your life.”
I shake my head, taking Danny’s hand away but cupping it in my own and holding it tight. “Kate, if I wanted easy, I would have never kissed you at that bus stop.”
She smirks and it feels like a gift. “I believe I kissed you.”
“Yes, you did, but my point is if I really wanted easy I would have pushed you away and never taken it any further.” I level a firm look at her so she knows how serious I am. “And I thought about it, I really did.”
“But you didn’t… you didn’t push me away.”
“No, because somebody taught me how to be brave. Somebody showed me how much I was missing out on by living… easy.”
“Somebody?”
“You, Kate, you fucking idiot.”
“Oh.”
“And the joke of it all is that it wasn’t even an easy life. It was a painful life, being something I wasn’t, or maybe being only part of who I really was. You unlocked parts of me that have wanted to fly, to soar, to see and experience the world.”
“And now… now I’m the one holding back,” she says and I’m certain she’s talking more to herself than me.
“Yes, Kate, but I understand why. You’ve been let down a lot of times. I know what that feels like.”
“I don’t even think it’s that.” Kate blinks rapidly and a single tear slips out.
“I think… who you just described. That person. I’m worried you’ll wake up one day and realise that I’m not that person.
Or rather, I’m not only that person. I’m not brave all the time.
No, more than that, I don’t want to be brave all the time.
I did that with Tao and I was miserable.
To a certain extent I did that with my mother, never revealing to her how much she hurt me, and that only made the pain worse.
I can’t be that person all the time, Sharon, I can’t. ”
I reach over Danny’s stomach and find one of her hands. Our fingers lock and land on Danny’s chest, and I know that Kate holds the weight in her muscles like I do because it feels like applying too much pressure there would squeeze the last breath out of him.
“Then don’t,” I say simply as another tear leaves Kate’s eyes.
“What?”
“Don’t be that person. I don’t expect you to be brave all the time, Kate.
Yes, you dressed up as a superhero for me and I loved that, will always love that.
And yes, this job, it makes a hero of you, a true hero and you should be proud of that.
But I don’t expect you to be a hero for me.
I don’t expect you to be the one to save the day.
I would like us to try and do it together.
And not with me as your sidekick, but as your equal. ”
“It sounds…” She laughs breathlessly. “It all sounds too good to be true.”
“Look at us, Kate, look at where we are. Look at what is happening. Look at our sweet Danny boy.” I’m crying again but this time the tears are silent and almost soothing. “Nothing about this situation is too good to be true.”
“You’re right,” she concedes with a smile, and her tears are flowing now. “I’m sorry. I should have talked to you about this another time.”
“I’ve been waiting weeks for this conversation, Kate, I’m glad it happened now.”
“I love you, Sharon Goldblatt,” Kate says with a straight back and a firm stare on me. “I really do.”
“And I love you, Chiu Xiao Hong, Kate, Florence Fucking Nightingale,” I squeeze her hand. “I love the human you are, not the superhero you sometimes become, although I love her too.”
I’m about to lean over and give Kate a long kiss but I feel a twinge on my other hand. The hand that Danny is holding. I look at our joined fingers and then I look at Kate. She’s looking down at their hands too and a smile creeps across my face at the thought she felt exactly the same thing I felt.
“Oh, Danny boy,” I say again. “We’re here. We’re here. And it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”
I believe it. Like a distant light in the distance on a foggy, foggy day, I believe it will be okay.
Another squeeze.
“What does this mean?” I ask Kate. Is he regaining strength? Is he rallying around? Is this not the end?
“I don’t know, but keep talking to him,” she says, her face a beautiful mess of tear tracks and smudged mascara.
“Danny, Kate and I,” I tell him. “We’re in love and she’s going to look after me and I’m going to look after her, so I don’t want you to worry. I want you to know I’ll be okay.”
“She will,” Kate insists.
A muffled noise emerges from the mask and I look at Kate, who pauses, and then moves to take the mask off.
Danny’s eyes are open. They look lost and small, but determined. He tries to speak again, but it’s little more than a strangled breath.
“It’s okay, Danny,” I say, leaning closer and closer, but still keeping one of my hands linked with Kate’s.
“We’re here. Don’t be scared. Hugo and Oliver are waiting for you.
They’ve got a bottle of cava chilling and it’s your turn to pick the music.
And after you’ve finished dancing with them, my bubbe will look after you.
She makes the best cakes and biscuits. All my best recipes I got from her. ”
He tries again to speak, and by some miracle I catch what he’s saying. “Love.”
I don’t know if he’s telling me he loves me, telling me what he feels right now, or telling Kate and I how we should live our lives, but it’s the most perfect word in the world and I will treasure it always.
His eyes fall shut again and then it begins.
This noise that is terrifying and ugly and just wrong.
It’s a rattling that sounds like it’s coming from the underworld, and yet it’s emerging from Danny’s frail, weak body.
On it goes, for what feels like minutes but I hope is only seconds.
I look to Kate, for explanation, for guidance, for reassurance, but she is calmly stroking Danny’s face and whispering things to him that I can’t hear.
Oh God, it’s happening, I think. It’s really happening.
But my panic has no time to peak. Because the noise disappears and so does, it feels, the air in the room.
Everything changes and a dullness fills the space as Danny’s chest stops moving completely.
A beat later and there’s light. Bright, golden light, filtering in through the window to the side of his bed.
It's autumnal and warm and magical. It’s spiritual, godly, and I have never felt closer to a higher being than I do in this moment as it fills me with a calm I have never felt before.
I look at my friend’s body lying still, lips slightly parted, and I know he’s gone. Where, I may never know, but I know without a shadow of any doubt that he’s gone.