Chapter 34
Callum
Paramnesia (n) a condition or phenomenon involving distorted memory or confusion of fact and fantasy
Maeve is snoring softly beside me, and the peace I feel is hard to describe.
My world has been nothing short of dull and mind-numbing.
Every day for the last nine years has felt like I was just going through the motions.
Every breath was merely for survival and nothing more.
Now, though, it feels like spring blooming inside my chest. Colors are more vibrant, and each breath feels like a promise, a promise that tomorrow will be better, even if the world is crumbling around us.
I look toward Saoirse, who is actively avoiding dealing with Ronan. Her eyes are closed, ignoring his rambling. In a hushed voice, I ask, “Is everything set up for later?”
“I spoke with them earlier, and they have everything set up to your specifications. My men are sweeping the place now to ensure there isn’t anyone lingering on the grounds,” she responds professionally, but that professionalism is short-lived once Ronan catches her eye.
She scoffs, stands up, and they start to bicker.
Saoirse walks toward the door to leave our train car, Ronan on her heels.
He puts his arm over her shoulders, but she shoves it off.
I can’t help but wonder if Ronan has been more annoying than usual since she will be coming home with us this time.
She turns before she gets to the door and starts in the other direction toward the dining cart.
Orin is sitting up in his seat with his arms crossed over his chest, his head leaning back, eyes closed.
I know he’s tired. He’s been exhausted for a long time.
I worry about him sometimes, but he doesn’t talk as much as he used to.
He didn’t speak to anyone except Maeve for days following her kidnapping.
We didn’t push him, though. We knew he needed the space. He lost so much.
Maeve begins to stir. I glance down at her, then back at Orin, and I realize he has a look on his face I don’t quite recognize.
“Oi, you okay?” I ask quietly. Orin looks over at Saoirse, who has risen from the table.
Ronan had been whispering in her ear moments before.
She heads to the cabin door and slides it open, walking through and closing it behind her without a backward glance.
Ronan stares after her for a second, then follows her out of the cabin.
Orin turns back to me, looking to make sure Maeve is still asleep before he answers.
“Yeah, I mean… I’m breathing,” he whispers, glancing out of the window. He’s unable to meet my eyes. I know what he means, though.
“You know we’re here, man. Any time you need to talk or just sit with someone,” I reassure him, and he nods his head.
There’s a long beat of silence, then Orin sighs heavily.
“I had a dream about Laoise the other night,” he murmurs, looking at the floor.
I silently nod, waiting. “It wasn’t how I usually see her.
It’s got my mind doing weird things. I usually see her face in that moment.
That moment I told her that Thadg was dead.
It’s always just as painful as the first time.
But this time… this time she was smiling at me, and it was like nothing had happened.
Like I’d never had to tell her about Thadg.
Like things were… normal, I woke up in a sweat, I was…
I was in a panic. But this wasn’t a nightmare.
Or at least, not a regular nightmare. It was like she’d been right there, and then she slipped through my fingers.
Again…” he trails off, clearly lost in thought.
Fuck. I don’t know what to say, or how to say it, but he continues.
“And I don’t know if it means anything or not, but something is just… off.” He runs his hands over his face, taking a deep breath. “I just wish I knew where she was, man. I should have gone to look for her myself.”
“I’m sorry, man. I know it’s hard. Look, we can send some men out again to see if they can find her. Maybe she’s settled down somewhere. It’d be easier to find her now if she has,” I offer, but he shakes his head.
“She hates me,” he says, leaning back and crossing his arms. “She made that clear. I don’t know if she ever truly loved me.
” He stares forlornly out the window, and I feel the need to say something more.
I’m just not sure what. I’ve never been good at this kind of thing.
I almost wish Maeve were awake. She’d know what to say.
“Oi,” I say gruffly, trying to grab his attention, but he doesn’t look at me.
“Oi,” I say again, firmer this time, and he meets my stare.
“She did love you. She loved you and Thadg. None of it was your fault, Orin. There isn’t anything we could have done to stop what had happened. We rang a bell that can’t be unrung.”
“Hmmm, yeah. Okay,” he responds, clearly unconvinced. I start to say something again, but the door at the back of the car slides open abruptly. Maeve startles awake, and Orin clears his throat, straightening in his seat.
“Well, we're here,” Saoirse says as she walks back into the cabin. Ronan follows, a grave look on his face. It doesn’t seem that his efforts to woo her are going very well. I smirk, then glance back at Orin. He looks sad, unsettled.
I’ll have to talk more with him later. Somehow, I’ve got to get it through his head.
It wasn’t his fault.