Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
As Fern turned the key in the lock and pushed open the door, her phone buzzed sharply in her coat pocket, breaking the silence. Her heart raced, hoping it was Daniel, but when she looked at the screen she saw Ella’s name.
She hesitated. Her thumb hovered over the green answer button, but instead she let the call ring out.
She didn’t want to explain what had happened, especially knowing Ella would be at the after-party, high on free drinks and music-world gossip, and no doubt with Jax.
She slipped off her boots and coat, and switched on the kettle.
She’d half-hoped – probably foolishly – that maybe Daniel would’ve been here. She flopped down on the sofa, pulling her knees to her chest. All she could think about was the look on his face backstage, the hurt, the confusion.
There was a soft knock on the front door and she raced to peer through the spy hole. And there he was. Daniel. Fern flung open the door.
‘Hi,’ he said, voice low, soft, but steady.
‘Oh thank God. Daniel, I’m so sorry.’ She opened the door wide and stood aside. ‘Where did you go? Come and sit down.’
‘I needed to clear my head. That … wasn’t exactly something I expected to hear tonight.
’ He sat on the edge of the settee. ‘I’m not judging you, but I was expecting a little bit of honesty at least. I didn’t think you were in a relationship with anyone else when …
I thought … I hoped there was something for us. ’
‘I know.’ She wrapped her arms around herself, her voice cracking slightly. ‘I owe you an apology and the truth.’ She paused as she sat down next to him, trying to gather her tangle of thoughts into something that sounded halfway coherent.
‘Jax is something I’m not proud of and it’s not a relationship.’
‘I saw you kissing.’
Fern shook her head. ‘No. He kissed me, yes, but I pulled away.’ She could see that Daniel didn’t look convinced.
She carried on. ‘It wasn’t anything, what he and I had. Just something convenient whenever he was in town.’
‘I wouldn’t have you down as someone who hooks up for convenience’s sake.’
‘It’s hard to explain.’
‘You don’t have to.’
‘I do because I know I’ve hurt your feelings, and I should have mentioned it before we went tonight.’
‘Why didn’t you?’
‘Embarrassment about my own choices. I’ve never been the best at picking the right people,’ she admitted.
‘When I met Jax, I was at rock bottom. I was so tired of feeling like I wasn’t enough for anyone.
When he came along he made me feel seen.
But I wasn’t blind. I knew he was sleeping with other women.
It wasn’t a relationship. It was … I don’t even know what it was.
I just wanted to feel something. Wanted to feel important, even if it was only for a moment.
The stupid part is, most of the time it only made me feel worse. ’
The confession hung between them, leaving Fern feeling raw and exposed.
‘My self-esteem’s been at an all-time low for a long time,’ she went on.
‘Every guy … it’s like I’ve had a neon sign flashing “walk all over me” on my forehead.
They’d cheat. Or lie. Or treat me like I was disposable.
Jax was the same. I was just too wrapped up in the thrill of his being a rock star to admit it to myself.
Being with you … it made me see things in a new and unexpected light. ’
Daniel’s expression softened, but there was still a flicker of something sad in his eyes.
‘You shouldn’t have let anyone treat you like that,’ he said quietly. ‘You’re worth so much more than that.’
Fern had never heard those words before, not like this. Not like it was the most obvious truth in the world.
‘Maybe I didn’t believe I was,’ she replied.
For a time, Daniel said nothing. Then he said something that surprised her.
‘I’ve always felt like I wasn’t enough. With the women I’ve dated before …
it was always the same. They’d want me to be someone I wasn’t.
More driven. More ambitious. The kind of man who had a five-year plan pinned to the fridge.
But I’m not that guy. I don’t need a mapped-out future.
I just want … someone who likes me as I am.
Who doesn’t want to fix me or nudge me into a different shape.
Who lets me be me. The second you walked on to the train I noticed you.
There was something about you that was different and I so badly wanted to talk to you and hoped you would sit next to me.
But tonight… Well, it’s made me realise we live in separate worlds, and maybe all the thoughts and possibilities that have been whirling around in my brain are just some sort of fiction. Something that can never be real.’
‘What are those thoughts?’
Daniel let out a soft, almost self-conscious laugh as he rubbed the back of his neck.
‘That you’d fall in love with Puffin Island,’ he said, voice low but honest. ‘With the place, the calm, the sea air … and me. That you’d walk into the antique shop and feel like it was meant to be yours as much as mine.
That we’d take it over together, the pair of us.
I know it sounds daft. Like some postcard life I made up in my head.
But I wanted it, Fern. And I wanted you to want it, too.
’ He shook his head, reality settling in his eyes.
‘But you’re not that girl, are you?’ His voice wasn’t bitter, just accepting.
‘You’ve built this life here – the interviews, the gigs, the backstage passes and big names.
You’ve got your world, and I’ve got mine.
And they couldn’t be more different. I love the coast, Puffin Island, the community, the way they’re all just one big family.
I couldn’t even imagine going about my day, walking through the streets, with no one acknowledging anyone.
I like people, good people, and life on the island. ’
Fern stared down at her hands, her fingers twisting together.
She’d always thought she knew what she wanted; the rush of city living, the excitement of concerts and gigs, the lights of London, the late nights clinking glasses with strangers, being wrapped up in the world of chart-toppers and fame-chasers like Jax Devlin.
The thrill of being in the room, being on the list. Yet, sitting here, listening to Daniel, she wasn’t so sure anymore.
He was steady, kind and genuine. A man who didn’t need fixing, who didn’t wear a mask, who wasn’t playing a game.
Her voice cracked slightly when she finally spoke.
‘I don’t know what I want,’ she admitted.
‘I thought I did. I thought I was chasing the right things: the parties, the so?called glamour. But lately … I don’t know.
I think I’ve been so used to arseholes like Jax, to the chase and the drama, that I convinced myself that was what I deserved.
’ She glanced at him, seeing the way his eyes softened.
‘Of course, I thought you were handsome and funny, and I was drawn straight to you when I saw you on the train. I didn’t think I would ever see you again and then I walked into No.
17 Curiosity Lane and… I’m sorry, Daniel… ’
‘What are you sorry for?’
‘I suppose I didn’t think about the bigger picture or think about your feelings. I just jumped into bed with you … literally … but…’
‘But?’
‘I know I have feelings for you.’ Her gaze was unwavering as she looked into his eyes.
‘That’s not the problem. The problem is: how do we know it’s something real?
Could I really just up and leave this life?
Walk away from everything I’ve built, everything I’ve known, and start again…
’ Her voice trailed off, the answer to the question scaring her even more than the thought.
Daniel didn’t rush to fill the silence. He just reached out, his hand brushing over hers.
‘It’s scary because it matters,’ he said simply.
‘I’m not asking you to decide now. I’m not asking you to change your life overnight.
I just wanted you to know how I felt. That you aren’t like anyone I’ve met before.
I can’t deny that tonight hurt. I didn’t like seeing you kiss someone else … I was jealous.’
‘I’m sorry again. I promise you that that part of my life is over. But life is never that simple, is it?’
‘It’s not.’ He smiled, brushing his thumb against her knuckles. ‘But it could be simple.’
For the first time in a long time, the idea of simple didn’t sound boring to Fern. ‘One day at a time?’ she said.
Daniel nodded. ‘One day at a time.’