Chapter 5
Chapter
Five
Adrenaline has me bolting upright in bed long before my alarm clock goes off.
The shadow of tonight’s HOA meeting hung over the weekend like the grey clouds that threatened rain.
I knew BJ wouldn’t melt, he was made to be outside after all, but I don’t want him out in a storm.
Not that I have enough space inside for a twelve-foot skeleton, much less an umbrella that’s big enough.
I guess Tony did have one concern about BJ right. Where will I store him?
But that is a tomorrow problem, eclipsed by the monumental problem of today.
I spent all weekend alternating between searching online help forums and scouring the internet for legal ordinances and staring out the window at BJ, trying to figure out if he really had hugged me and somehow gotten that beer bottle out of the trash or I was losing my marbles.
Heaving a sigh, I force myself out of bed to face the day.
I have a couple of shoots I need to finish edits on and email out, and then I have to go to the grocery store.
I want to be back in plenty of time to run through my speech for the HOA again, triple check my notes are in order, and print a copy of the zoning ordinance I obtained when I moved here.
Every passing hour ratchets up my anticipation, and work takes me twice as long as normal. Although I still love being a photographer, snapping pictures of the highlight reels of everyone else’s lives is quickly getting old. Maybe it’s time to pivot to pets or products.
A smile hits my face as I think of one particular model I would love to photograph. I imagine posing BJ with larger than life props, doing creative edits to make him appear as if he were traveling around the world. My imagined photo shoots morph to images of not just him, but us, together.
Just like all the people I’ve photographed—me and BJ on the beach, shots of us in the golden hour of sunset, spooky Halloween photographs with matching costumes. The very images that flood my social media page advertising my business.
“That’s it!” I announce to my empty office space. Leaping out of my chair, I run outside.
“BJ!” I call as I race towards him. “I have an idea.”
I pause, catching my breath so I can speak clearly. I pose in front of Mr. Bonejangles and start filming on my phone.
“Mayday! Mayday! Calling all Halloween lovers. This is a desperate SOS. Lois and the HOA say my skeleton has got to go, but there is nothing in the bylaws about a twelve-foot skeleton. The emergency meeting to decide his fate is tonight, and I need your help. If you love Halloween and you want to help me save Mr. Bonejangles, come to 42 Harvest Drive in Autumn Acres for a fun photo shoot! Together, we can save Halloween.”
I make sure to get a good shot of him all dressed up for Halloween and then post it to my social media accounts. When I show the uploaded post to BJ, his LED eyes flicker, and I take that for approval.
“All right, big guy, those of us with stomachs need food.” I head for the car and call over my shoulder, “See ya soon!”
I take the turn onto my road slowly, not wanting the bags of groceries sitting on the seat next to me to fall over. I glance over to make sure they’re still upright, and when I look ahead again, I slam on the brakes.
Both sides of my road are lined with cars and people are everywhere. I ease off the brake and move at a crawl as pedestrians cross the road, spilling off the packed sidewalks.
“What the hell…” I trail off as I inch closer to my house. But the further I go, the harder it is to make it through. I lower my window and hear some type of chanting I can’t yet make out.
When I reach my driveway at last, I have to give a little honk to get people to clear the way for me to turn in. When I do, the crowd goes nuts, pointing and yelling.
Confused, I get out and haul my bags of groceries out with me. That’s when the shouts of, “She’s here!” and “It’s Tori!” reach my ears.
I stand there, braced for impact when I realize, no one is shouting at me. This isn’t an angry mob. There’s a thrill of excitement in the air.
I juggle the bags into one arm and give the crowd a little wave, and they go wild, shouting my name and waving big signs in the air. I’m shocked to see they’re all about BJ.
“We heart BJ”
“Save Mr. Bonejangles”
“I have a bone to pick with the HOA”
“Bones Over Bylaws”
“Skelly Rights are Human Rights”
“Big Bone Energy”
“Team Bones”
And my personal favorite, “Lois is a Loser.”
I don’t know who any of these people are. Don’t recognize a single soul. But my heart swells, along with the tears of gratitude gathering in my eyes, that these strangers showed up because they love not just Halloween, but Mr. Bonejangles, as much as I do.
“I, uh, I’ll be right out,” I call to the crowd, nodding down at my groceries.
When I get into the kitchen, I can still hear the crowd buzzing outside.
I throw the groceries in the fridge in record time and then sneak out the garage, ducking low so no one sees me over the fence, then crawl on my hands and knees over to BJ.
Kneeling at his enormous feet I look up at him and say, “Do you see this? They’re here for you. For us.”
I half expect him to move or wink or do something, but he doesn’t. I can’t help the sliver of disappointment at his lack of a response. Maybe it was all in my head.
“It’s ok, big guy. There’s a lot of people here.” I pat his tibia reassuringly.
I sneak back into the house and tuck my notes for tonight into my purse, then head back out the front door, making sure to lock it behind me.
So far, the crowd is staying respectfully on the sidewalk and standing along the fence that borders my yard, but Autumn Acres has never been quite so popular.
A cheer goes up at my appearance, and I feel my cheeks heat at being the center of so much attention. At the end of my driveway stands a group of young women, all in matching black shirts that say, “Spooky Bitches for Bonejangles.”
“Tori,” one of them waves at me. “Over here.”
This seems as good of a place as any to start, so I go up to her and say, “Uh, hi. Can I ask what this is all about?”
She wrinkles her nose at me. “You don’t know?”
“I mean, I’m guessing this about the HOA meeting tonight, but who are all these people, and how did they find out?”
Another one of the “Spooky Bitches” gives me a sweet smile and says, “Honey, you’re viral.”
“Viral?” I parrot back. “Like on the internet?
They all laugh together, and at first I bristle. But they’re not laughing at me. They seem genuinely delighted. One of them holds out her phone and says, “Here, look.”
I watch the first few videos and can’t help but laugh.
Not only are there millions of views and thousands of supportive comments on mine, but there are stitches of people going on tirades about fun, Halloween, and minding your own business.
It seems lots of people are tired of the Loises of the world.
“So, everyone is here to support me?” I ask, voice husky with emotion. I never dreamed I would get this kind of response.
“I mean, not quite everyone,” one of them says, nodding her head over her shoulder. I look across the street to see a few dour-faced people staring down the gathering crowd.
The leader of the group puts her hand on my shoulder and smiles at me. “But most of us. Besides, our group has the fun signs.”
“And the T-shirts,” I acknowledge.
Smiling, she says, “I’m Dawn. We made one for you, too.”
She hands me a shirt, and I pull it on over my outfit. I’m sure the HOA will love this.
Dawn takes a megaphone from someone and starts shouting directions. “Alright Spooky Bitches, take your positions!”
“Wait, what?” I ask as the crowd starts moving into action.
Dawn points out a couple of beefy guys. “That’s the skeleton guard.
They’re setting up a perimeter to make sure no one messes with BJ while you’re gone.
The folks that started walking already? That’s BJ’s army.
They’re going to walk to the HOA meeting and stand outside as a show of force.
And the five of us are the cheerleaders.
We’re here to give you support, grab anything you might need, and be your general badass backup bitches. ”
“Aye, aye, Captain,” I joke lamely. I can’t find the words to thank her. To thank all of them.
She sees my eyes shining and elbows me with a smile as she lifts the megaphone again and says, “Move out, bitches!”
The crowd moves, and the spooky club sweeps me along with them. I had been dreading the solo walk to the Autumn Acres clubhouse. Did not want to walk into the room and face Lois and her cronies alone. And now I don’t have to.
My steps falter. “But Dawn, you have to be a resident to attend the meetings.”
“Well,” she says, taking my elbow and bringing me back in step along with her. “We technically are. We’re all in college together, and our parents live here.”
“Oh,” I reply, surprised.
Another one nods and says, “I’m Frankie. I’m a marketing major, and I’m doing my internship with the city. I keep all the local neighborhoods on my radar, so when this hit my feed, I called Dawn immediately. This is clearly a case for the Spooky Bitches.”
“I’m sorry, but who exactly are the Spooky Bitches?” I can’t help but ask. Partially out of curiosity and partially because my heart is getting ready to beat out of my chest the closer we get to the HOA meeting.
They all laugh. Dawn says, “Kind of like a sorority, but far older. We have chapters across tons of colleges and universities.”
“All across the world,” Frankie chimes in.
A third girl looks back and says, “Hi Tori! I’m Never. We work to protect all things spooky. Cryptids, Halloween, paranormal activity sites. If it’s spooky, it's on our radar.”
“All the cute things have societies and laws to look out for them. We’re like a team for the underdogs,” Dawn says. “Lore says we are descended from the Order of the Dragon.”
“Wait, like Dracula?” I ask, fascinated.
She laughs with a nod. “One and the same. We’ve been around a long time. Only the name has changed over the years.”
And just like that, we’re here. The crowd is on the sidewalks, peacefully assembled, holding their signs and chatting amongst themselves.
Flashing lights cut through the falling dark as a police car pulls up in front of the single-story building. The term clubhouse is generous for a building smaller than my house. More than anything it serves as a place for the HOA to gossip and pretend it’s their ivory tower.
The car double parks, and two uniformed officers get out.
Dawn waves at them and says, “Evening officers.”
They approach her, arms crossed, staring down at her small frame.
She runs a hand through her wild blonde locks and smiles at them with her black painted lips. “What can we do for you?”
“We got a call about someone disturbing the peace,” the older one says.
“Disturbing?” she repeats. “We are gathered here in support of Tori against the tyrannical and unjust HOA of Autumn Acres. Every person here right now is peaceful and standing on the sidewalk, which is public property. We are merely exercising our first amendment right to free speech and assembly."
The younger one looks over at Frankie, who has her phone out and is filming. “Ma’am, you can’t film this.”
Dawn gives him a saccharine smile. Voice dripping with honey she says, “Actually, anyone on public property can be filmed at any time. Again, first amendment. You cannot trespass the eyes.”
“No, you can’t,” the older one says again, voice darker.
Dawn sighs and drops the smile. “Look officers, I’m going to level with you.
No one here is breaking the law. No one here will be breaking the law.
I’m not only a pre-law student who is extremely well-versed in this area, but my father is also the state Attorney General, Clifford James.
Just like his daddy, and his daddy before him. ”
She takes a step forward and whispers conspiratorially behind her hand, “And guess who’s going to be the next one? Spoiler alert, you’re looking at her.”
She leans closer, peering at their badges in turn. “And before you threaten to arrest me on some nonsense charge, I need you to know that I’ve been falsely arrested no less than twenty times and have won no less than twenty lawsuits against various precincts for wrongful arrests.”
She flips her long blond curls over her shoulder and then continues.
“If you choose to violate my constitutional rights, you will lose your qualified immunity and neither your union, nor your department, will be able to protect you against the lawsuit that I will file against you personally. So, do you really want to risk your careers over a twelve-foot skeleton protest, or are we good here?”
They look at each other and beat a hasty retreat back to their car and pull away. I watch the flashing lights fade away into the night, then turn to look back at Dawn who has a shit-eating grin plastered across her face.
Frankie elbows her and says, “Geez, Dawn, you really get off on having them pissing their pants.”
Never says, “Remember the time she said, ‘I’m your huckleberry’ when we were defending that western themed ghost town from getting demolished?”
We all laugh, then Dawn sobers and looks at me. “It’s time. Spooky bitches, let’s go.”
They start walking in, but Dawn spins and takes me by the shoulders. She’s a force of nature for being such a tiny thing. Face serious, she looks me in the eyes and says, “Tori, you got this.”
“I hope so,” I sigh.
She gives me a gentle shake and says, “Listen, I can speak legalese because I cut my teeth on it. But I’m going to win every time anyway, because I just know things. I always have. And I can see the ending here. It might not be exactly what you think, but trust me, it's going to be amazing.”
“Thanks, Dawn,” I say, and mean it. I really hope she’s right.
She loops her arm through mine, pulls me down the walk, and through the door into the harsh fluorescent lights.