3. Poppy
3
POPPY
My lungs ache, and my legs feel like they are about to give out on me at any moment. But the ghosts from my past are hot on my heels, so I push on.
Step after step, I force my feet to hit the pavement until there is nothing left. Until the tears stinging my eyes can be from either the pain of Logan walking out again or the burning in my chest as I struggle to breathe.
No matter what, I’m punishing my body for what I’ve done.
I keep pushing myself until there is nothing left but the sound of my blood roaring in my ears. When I finally stop, lifting my hands over my head to keep the oxygen flowing into my lungs, the ghosts I’ve been trying to outrun finally catch up with me.
As soon as I open my eyes, the alley that haunts my nightmares is right there. I’m standing in the exact same spot I was when I was shot.
“Shit.” I gasp for air and try to fight the bile rising in my throat.
I fail, and about the time that I start to throw up the leftover pizza I had for breakfast, the memories take over.
“Poppy Blake." Logan said my name with mock frustration. “Hurry your gorgeous ass up. Come on, we’re gonna be late.” Logan tugged on my hand with a smile. “My mom said that they’re already ordering the pizza to celebrate.”
At eighteen, Logan Pierce was everything I’d ever wanted in my life. I knew, even looking at him in the shadows as we took a shortcut from the high school to Lucy’s, he’d be stunning when he was older. And I couldn’t wait to get old with him by my side.
“I’m hurrying.” Huffing as I tried to keep up with him, I couldn’t help smiling back at him while he waited for me to kick it into gear.
Everything about Logan was infectious. His attitude, his laugh, even the way he makes me want a future. It’s all part of who he is and the chemistry I’ve felt between us our entire lives.
“I still can’t believe you convinced everyone to do it.” He stopped at the edge of the alley, turning so that he could cup my face with his hands. “Did you see how many people turned out? It was fantastic.”
I hadn’t seen Logan smile. Not in so long that I almost forgot what it looked like.
We didn’t have a reason to smile. Not since his little sister, Charlotte, died from an accidental overdose the month before.
“I love you, Poppy.” Logan kissed me gently. “Thank you for refusing to give up. For making me stay when all I wanted to do was run away.”
One more kiss, and he was holding my hand in his again.
“One day,” he said with his face turned away from mine. “One day, I’m going to marry you, and I’m going to make you as happy as you make me for the rest of our lives.”
“You already make me happy, Logan.” I watched him take in my words, the shadows on his face clashing with the lights shining on his back. “And you and your parents made tonight happen. All those people were there to show how many lives Lettie touched. How many people miss her. How many people support you and your family and are here if you ever need them. I love you, too. And I’ll always be here for you.”
“Well, well, well. What in the hell do we have here?”
Slowly, so slowly that I wasn’t sure I was actually moving, I turned to see a man standing in the shadows and a flash of metal pointing directly at Logan.
“Poppy.” Logan’s voice was hard. “Get behind me.”
“I don’t think so,” the man in the shadows spat out. “Nobody move.”
“Take my wallet.” Logan reached into his back pocket. “Take the money. Take the cards. I don’t care. Just let her go.”
Barking laughter came from the shadows. “That’s funny.” He laughed some more, sarcastic and biting.
My hands were trembling while my knees locked up, and I didn’t think I could move in that moment if I wanted to. Terror, the likes of which I’d never even imagined in my wildest dreams, slid down my spine and into my stomach, turning everything sour.
“You think I’m here for your money?”
“What do you want, if you don’t want our money?”
Stupid. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. The gun, because there wasn’t any mistaking the shining metal muzzle that was staring me in the face, flashed and proved the point.
“I want to make you hurt.”
I wasn’t a stranger to guns. We used rifles to hunt, and my father made sure that I knew how to use a handgun. As an expert marksman and range instructor in the Marine Corps back in the day, he made damn sure that his daughter knew the workings of every single weapon there was.
But I’d never been shot before.
As my body fell backward, I couldn’t do anything to brace for the impact. My arms weren’t working. My hands wouldn’t move. My fingers didn’t even twitch when I tried to reach for Logan.
At least it didn’t hurt.
Wait.
That was wrong.
I should have been in pain.
By the time I hit the ground, I knew I was dying. I couldn’t feel anything.
My body was in shock, which meant that I was going to die.
And then Logan was there, pulling me into his arms as the man with the gun fled without saying another word.
“POPPY.”
Logan had my head in his lap, and there’s ringing from somewhere as he called for help, but I couldn’t hear any of the words being said.
Was the ringing in my head? Or was it a phone?
I couldn’t even concentrate to keep my eyes open.
“Am I dying?” The question came out broken, and I tasted blood. “Logan.” I said his name, hoping he’d break away from the call. “Logan?”
The truth was buried in his eyes. In the devastation written across his face as he finally looked at me.
My heart raced in my chest, and even while my fingers and toes were going numb, I knew I had to make it alright. I had to make sure he knew I was going to love him forever.
Even when he lost me.
“I bought a ring.” He started to cry. “I was going to ask you before I left for boot camp.” Logan’s voice broke. “Marry me, Poppy.”
“No.” I smiled, wishing my hands worked so I could wipe away the tears that were falling. “Don’t worry about me, Lo. You’re going to be so happy.”
“I love ? —”
The rest of his words were swallowed by the void that I couldn’t walk away from. The one that beckoned from just beyond Logan’s shoulder. The one I couldn’t ignore anymore.
Such a bright light when before there was nothing.
“You coming?” Lettie’s face appeared there, frozen in time like she’d be forever. Wearing her favorite pajamas. The ones Logan and I found her in when we found her body. “Lo’s gonna be upset for a minute, but the pain will be gone, and I’ll be here with you forever.”
“It’s not right.” I sat up, but my body didn’t move with me. Instead, I’m left watching as my spirit separates from the body Logan’s still holding. “I don’t want to leave him. Not yet.”
Lettie shrugged, looking at the back of her brother’s head for a moment before turning her attention back to me. “Then don’t. It’s gonna hurt like a bitch, though, ’cause he’s about to start CPR.”
I lay back down, smiling.
“The best things in life hurt.”
“I love you, Poppy.” Lettie stepped back. “Don’t give up on him, because this shit is about to get messy.”
“I could never,” I told her. “I love him, and I always will.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
The darkness vanished.
And Lettie was right.
CPR hurt like a bitch.
But it didn’t hurt as much as Logan breaking my heart.
Unable to help myself, I rub the same spot on my chest where Logan had broken my ribs and sternum to save my life. And when the tears start to fall, I have to fight to keep them from turning me into a banshee.
“I’m sorry, Lettie.”
There I am, apologizing to a dead woman because I’ve been thinking of doing the exact same thing I promised her ghost would never happen.
I’m giving up on Logan.
I’ve been thinking about leaving.
But after ten years, I don’t have a choice. I want to live. To love. To have everything that I’ve been giving up, on the hope that he’ll forgive himself.
That he’ll love me again. That he’ll let me love him.
Charlotte doesn’t answer me. She never does. The hallucination I had while dying in the alley all those years ago never replays itself. But the promise is there, casting a pale shadow over everything in its path.
“You okay?”
I’m sitting on the dirty ground, leaning against the brick wall of one of the businesses in downtown Birch Harbor, covered in sweat and barely feeling human. So, it has to be Logan standing there, looking like a fuckin’ snack in his uniform, staring down at me like I’m a rabid animal. Because that’s my life.
“Peachy,” I snap irately.
When he holds out his hand, silently offering to help me up, I do the mature thing and ignore it. Then I use the wall behind me to help me stand, and I walk away without looking back.
Okay, I can’t lie to myself. I look back, and I find him watching me go. Doing the logical thing, I stick my tongue out at him and proceed to stomp away like the child I want to be in that moment.
And I leave him standing in front of the alley where our lives changed forever, hoping that he’ll pull his head out of his ass before it’s too late.
By the time I make it to my house a few blocks away, I barely have enough time to change into my work clothes before I need to head out again. When I see Kennedy walking out of her and Linc’s house across the street at the same time with a grimace on her face, I can’t help but smile.
“You know you like overnights with me.” I don’t have to shout because she is already halfway through the yard and crossing the street by the time I say anything.
“I hate overnights,” she counters with a grimace. “Remind me why I’m doing this again? No matter how much I love you, I don’t know why.”
“Because you’re pregnant and can’t sleep at night anyway?” I nod toward my car since we are riding together like we’ve been doing for the last week that she’s been dispatching overnights across the street at the Birch County Sheriff’s Office while I sit at Birch PD.
“I really, really, really wanna be able to sleep at night again.” She huffs and puts the massive bag of snacks she carries in her hands into the back seat. “ I’m already hungry, and I literally just ate. Linc’s demon spawn has me hungry all the freakin’ time.”
“Wanna get food before we go?” I look down at the smart watch on my wrist. “Technically, we have a half hour before we have to be there.”
“Yes.” Kennedy starts nodding fervently. “I would kill for some tacos.”
“Tacos?” I sigh. “I don’t want tacos. Can’t we get pizza instead?”
She pokes her stomach instead of thinking about it herself and addresses the baby she is currently growing. “What do you want, huh? Aunt Poppy wants pizza.” She smiles when her stomach lurches and then gurgles so loud that I swear I can hear it from here. “I guess the heathen wants pizza too.” She winks at me. “I have tacos in the bag for later anyway.”
When I walk through the back door into the PD twenty minutes later, holding a stack of pizza boxes in my arms, I don’t expect to find the bullpen full of officers. Our schedules aren’t on the same timeline, which means that dispatch and officers aren’t switching over at the same time, but it feels like every single officer is in the room at the same time.
“Um,” I start, setting the boxes on the waist- high wall that separates the hall from the bullpen. “I didn’t bring enough for everyone. Just the guys on my shift tonight.”
At the hungry stares being shot in my direction, I almost feel bad. Almost. But honestly, they are grown-ass men and can feed themselves. I don’t have to bring food in for anyone but myself. I just do it to be nice.
When no one says anything, I look around and find Ian’s face in the crowd. “What’s going on?”
“No clue,” he says with a shrug.
Emma, one of the female officers and a friend of mine, grabs the top box and flips open the lid to see that I brought her favorite. “You’re the freakin’ best,” she mumbles around a mouthful of pepperoni. “Chief said that he had an important announcement, but he hasn’t come out of his office yet. Word spread, and I guess everyone had nothing to do and they’re all nosier than every girl I went to high school with so they’re here.” She stares around the room, pointedly letting her eyes land on her husband, Dominic Ortiz, one of the detectives. “Dom’s the one who sent the mass text,” she whispers back.
Before I can answer, the door to the office slams open and Chief Townsend walks into the bullpen before looking up. “What the hell are you all doing here?”
“Heard you had an announcement.” His son, Remy, another officer, crosses his arms over his chest. “Apparently it’s important enough to get us all here sitting around with nothing better to do.”
Chief Townsend slaps the papers in his hand against his thigh. “I mean, if you all need to know that I’m going on vacation for a week?” With his free hand, he scratches his forehead.
Like someone told a bad joke, a series of groans go up from the officers.
“Told ya.” Emma elbows Dom. “You owe me.”
“Whatever,” he grouses. “It’s not my fault.”
“You’re literally the person who sent the text.” Amy Lee, the only other female officer, loudly calls out Dom. “We thought he was retiring or some shit because you said he had an announcement.”
Without waiting to hear the rest of the drama, I grab my pizza and walk into dispatch just in time to relieve our new dispatcher, Nia Davidson, from her shift.
“Thanks, Nia,” I greet the blond woman with a smile. “Sorry I didn’t get here early like usual. You headed to the hospital? ”
“No worries.” She grabs her bag and steps away from the computer console, and I take a seat. “And yeah. I’ve got another three months left of clinicals for school.”
“Have fun!” My chipper words turn into a laugh when I see the grimace on her face as she starts to walk out.
Nia pauses at the door. “You should come out with me sometime. A lot of hot doctors and nurses at the hospital, ya know?”
I open my mouth to tell her I’m not interested, but Logan appears at her shoulder, and the words die a terrible death in my mouth.
“Just think about it,” Nia goes on like Logan’s rage isn’t palpable. “I know you’d have a blast.” Maybe she doesn’t feel the anger radiating off him in waves.
She walks out, and Logan steps into the office, closing the door behind him.
For a tense few moments, neither of us says anything. “You’re not going to go out with a doctor. Or anyone else she tries to hook you up with.”
My neck stiffens at the commanding tone he uses. Like I will just cower at his words.
I stand up, making sure that no one is in the lobby before I take a step toward him. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” His voice drops an octave. “You’re not gonna go out with?—”
“You don’t own me, Logan. You never have, and you never will. If I want to go out, I will. If I want to fall in love, I will. If I want to move out of the damn state, I will. And at the risk of sounding exactly like a child, there’s nothing you can do about it.” My chest is heaving, and I feel like an asshole for snapping like that, but he doesn’t have any right.
For a second, I watch the flash in his eyes. The challenge and the change back into the boy I’d fallen in love with. Daring me to say anything, just so he can kiss the words out of my mouth. Then just as quickly as it appears, all that is gone and I’m met with the same blank stare as the one he had when he broke everything I ever tried to give him.
“We need to talk, Poppy.”
“We don’t have anything to talk about, Logan. You should go.”
“No, you’re right.” He pauses and then opens the office door again, walking away with another piece of my heart that he doesn’t even know he has. “We don’t have anything to talk about. ”
I see the look in his eyes, the challenge there, and decide to do the smart thing.
After work, I run away and avoid him like the plague for the next four weeks.