5. Poppy
5
POPPY
I could have told Logan that I was coming with my family and crashing the annual Pierce camping trip, but I didn’t. Why? Because he had the audacity to walk into my dispatch office and try to tell me I can’t go on a date with someone. And yes, that was a month ago, but that doesn’t matter.
Does it matter that I don’t want to go on a date? Hell no.
But Logan doesn’t get to tell me what I can or can’t do.
So, instead of telling him that I’m coming with my parents, that Idecided at the last minute that I want to accept Lucas and Maria’s invitation for the first time since Logan and I broke up, I keep it to myself.
For the exact moment that he turns around from a conversation with one of his brothers and his mouth hangs open like he’s a fish caught on a line.
“You didn’t tell him?” my sister Evie hisses when she gets a look at Logan’s panicked expression, before he quickly smiles and slaps his brother on the shoulder.
My twin, in every sense of the word, she reads the smile on my face for what it is and starts snickering. “I don’t wanna hear it when he decides to flip out on you.”
“He won’t,” I whisper back as we start to unload.
Behind us, our parents are loudly talking to Maria and Lucas.
“I can’t believe you made it that quickly. Come on over. Andrea, Dean, you two thirsty?” Lucas and Dad slap hands together, and he offers my dad a beer. For breakfast. “We weren’t expecting to see you until after dinner sometime.”
“That’s because our children,” Mom says while tossing a glare at me and Evie, “decided that they didn’t want to sleep, and after Poppy got off shift, we had a quick bite to eat at Denny’s and headed out this way.”
“Poppy.” Logan stops directly in front of me, and all of a sudden Evie is gone like she wasn’t ever there to begin with. “Do you have a minute?”
My eyes devour him, just like they always do when he is around. From the tips of his light-brown hair to his piercing blue eyes, all the way down to the tattoo on his wrist that he got the day he turned eighteen.
“No.”
Am I running away? Totally. I have absolutely zero strength to stay away from Logan. He knows it. I know it. Hell, everyone in Birch County knows it. There isn’t a time after we started dating that people in our town haven’t said that we are adorable together. Avoiding him for the last four weeks has practically been torture.
Every single night I go to bed expecting him to break the lock on my window or to pick the deadbolt that I’ve used in a feeble attempt to keep him out. But he never does, at least not anymore. I can’t decide if that makes me happy or if it breaks the remnants of my heart even more.
Is this what he’s always felt? This push and pull of trying to find peace but none existing away from me? Because that’s what I feel like. I wanted him to leave me alone for so long. But now that he has, I just want to punch him because that’s not what I want.
Which is why I decided to go on the camping trip. Admittedly, I’m not making any sense, even to myself. But I can’t do anything about it at this point, mostly because Evie and my parents are the ones who drove up while I fell asleep in the back seat for a little while.
When a barely audible growl leaves Logan’s lips, I blink and stare at him like he’s grown a second head.
“I meant it,” I snap irately. “We don’t have anything to talk about. Just like I said before.” Yes, I’m panicking, but I don’t know what else to do at this point.
The corner of his mouth kicks up into a half smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. And the glimmer there, like I’m a piece of meat he wants to devour, makes my stomach clench. Instead of saying anything to me, though, he turns to our parents.
“Did you know Poppy’s planning on moving out of Birch Harbor?”
With that bomb dropped, he winks at me and walks into the woods with his sister and youngest brother trailing right behind him.
Finn, however, doesn’t move a muscle. He stands there, looking like a younger version of Logan, and crosses his arms over his chest. He’s staring at me like I did something wrong, even though I know I didn’t.
Meanwhile, I can feel the tension from both sets of parents at my back, and I know if I don’t move soon, I’ll end up on the receiving end of whatever they are working up to.
“Have you lost your ever-loving mind?” comes from Evie, who I didn’t expect to say a word. “You’re not actually moving, are you?”
I sigh, trying to avoid the judging looks in both her and Finn’s eyes, and make the mistake of turning so that our parents can see me.
Shit.
“Tell me it’s not true, Poppy.” Mom has her fingers over her mouth and tears in her eyes.
Dad, however, shakes his head and sighs deeply. “You’re sure you’re making the right move?”
Unable to handle it, I turn away and get caught like a deer in the headlights. One look at Logan’s parents, and I break. Lucas is exactly what I think Logan will look like in twenty years. After all, Logan at thirty looks just like his father had when we were kids.
I just can’t do it anymore.
I can’t do this anymore.
Tears fill my eyes and start to spill over in a way that makes me feel ashamed. I mean, how many thirty-year-old women break down in tears when she’s surrounded by her parents and their friends.
“I can’t.” I breathe through the tears. “I can’t do it anymore. It’s torture . He’s literally everywhere I go, always. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to leave my life. But how can I stay when I’m faced with the life I should have had but can’t?” My chest aches, and I run a hand over my sternum, where I’ll always have the scar from the gunshot that tore my life apart and stole my dreams.
“That’s bullshit.” Evie steps around me, making sure that I can see the anger in her eyes. “You’re making excuses and you know it.”
My heart hurts even more at her words, but I can’t expect her to understand. She doesn’t have to go through it; none of them do.
“Maybe you need time to think,” Finn offers from my side. “Time to get away, maybe take a vacation?”
Spilling my guts to Logan’s family feels wrong, but there isn’t anything else I can do. They are a part of my family, too. Our parents still get together every single week for dinner. Our siblings went to school together and even work together. There are no secrets when it comes to family. Especially not this family.
“I haven’t quit yet,” I tell them honestly. “And I’m not thinking of moving far. Maybe to Belfast. I’ll still be able to see you every week for family night.” I know that will mollify my parents, at least a little bit. “I just can’t stay where it’s going to hurt just to breathe. Why should I keep torturing myself when I don’t like the taste of pain?”
I also know that Logan won’t stay away from the campsite for long. He’s gone off, most likely to collect the firewood that we’ll use for the fire later, and I realize the mistake I made in coming.
“Leaving’s the coward’s way out,” Finn whispers into my ear as our parents start a quiet conversation of their own. “And you know it.”
He surprises me by latching on to my arm, nodding toward Evie, and then pulling me away from our parents.
“What are you doing?”
“I hated you,” he says with heated eyes as he drops my arm when we are out of earshot of our parents. “For almost a decade, I’ve hated that you hurt my hero. My big brother wasn’t the same, and I blamed you. But running away, Poppy?” Finn shakes his head, and the ache in my chest starts to grow to unimaginable levels.
Again, I rub it, trying to ease the discomfort that pops up at his words.
“I didn’t leave him,” I tell Finn. “Even after the mugging, I stayed. He’s the one who left me.”
“But he followed you.” Finn crosses his muscular arms over his chest again, nodding toward the woods where Logan has vanished. “I thought it was the other way around. That you’d followed him. But he followed you. Even when he was still active duty, he would call our parents and ask about you. Hell, Poppy. Even when I thought I hated you, I still made sure he knew you were okay.” He surprises me by pulling me into a brief hug, and I almost break down again. “You gotta face the demons, not run from them. Fight until there’s nothing left in you to fight with. Because if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have made sure to correct me less than an hour ago when I told him all of the things I thought you did.”
With that, he squeezes me tightly for a second and then walks away, grabbing Evie’s hand as he goes. “Come on, Evie. Let’s run away and get married. I don’t wanna live in the barracks anymore, and we’re the better-looking siblings anyway.” She slaps him upside the head but walks away toward the woods.
I hear the laughter in their voices as they go, joking about what it would mean if they did just that.
When I take a seat in the ring of chairs, my dad holds out a drink for me. “He’s right, you know. Finn might be a jarhead, but he’s right about this. You’re not the one to run away from a confrontation. Where’s the Irish spirit in you, girl?”
I stare at the black pit where there’ll be a fire in just a few hours and sigh. “I’m tired of fighting. Why don’t I deserve to be fought for?”
My words catch him off guard, and the arm lifting his beer to his lips halts. His eyes flare slightly, and I can see the flash of rage that crosses over his face before it vanishes completely.
“Hmph.” He resumes drinking his morning beer while I crack mine open, sipping the hard cider he thought to bring just for me.
“I love you, Dad.” Looking down at the drink in my hand, I contemplate drinking a beer instead, but change my mind.
We sit there, long after Logan and the others return with firewood and kindling, just the two of us, and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. My dad always knows when I want to sit in silence, and no one interrupts him when he is doing what he wants. No one but Mom, who is too busy with Maria, making enough food to feed six families on the camp stoves we brought.
In fact, it isn’t until the late afternoon when we finally decide to join the party, and I have a feeling Dad only gets up because Lucas and Logan are starting the fire together and he doesn’t want to be left out of the yearly traditions.
“Come on, pumpkin.” He pulls on one of my curls. “Let’s go kick Evie and Finn’s asses at some cornhole. Your old man still has a little bit of skill left. And I know you’ll carry me even if I suck.” With a wink just for me, he picks up the now-empty ice chest we’ve slowly been drinking out of all day and leads the way.
“I love that man.” Mom smiles as I walk by, pulling me into a kiss. “I’m glad he made you smile today. How’s your chest?”
I don’t realize that I’m rubbing it absently until she mentions it. “I don’t know,” I admit. “I think it’s just stress, but it’s been aching all day.” After being shot and almost dying, I still have residual pain that comes and goes. And sometimes, it hurts out of nowhere. But today it’s been worse than usual.
“Better call your doctor when we get back.” Her eyes flare, and then she smiles again. “Just to be safe. You never know what the issue could be.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Are you okay?”
I freeze, surprised to hear him right behind me, even though I’ve seen him watching me all day. When I don’t answer him, Logan reaches out and touches my shoulder. “Poppy. Are you okay?”
Glancing over my shoulder, I do my best to keep any emotion out of my eyes, but I’ve been drinking so I’m not quite sure if I manage to do it. “Fine,” I bite out. Then before I can change my mind and say another word, I walk away.
Bag after bag, my dad and I play against Evie and Finn. Thankfully, Finn and my dad are standing next to the other board, and Evie and I are together.
Every time I look around, I see Logan’s eyes locked on me, and I do my damnedest not to stare at him, but I’m pathetic. I watch him almost as much as he watches me, only looking away to make sure that I’m doing my best not to lose the game.
And when I throw the winning bag straight into the hole on our cornhole board, I see the smile on Logan’s face. One that reaches his eyes.
Why is it so hard for me to ignore him?
You don’t want to ignore him, Poppy.
“Logan.” I watch as his eyes fly to mine in shock, and then he’s there at my side. With both families watching, I feel like I shouldn’t have opened my mouth, but I did. “You’re right. We should talk. After.”
I don’t know what he wanted to talk about. Don’t know if he’s wanting to finally walk away completely. Or if he wants to try and convince me not to move away from Birch Harbor. Whatever it is, this is one situation where I can make it better by not fighting with myself.
After the promise of a rematch, I wave off Evie’s attempt to switch partners and start toward my tent, which I watched Logan and Finn put together earlier.
Right now, I just want to rest for a little bit before dinner and s’mores and the craziness I know the other ‘kids’ are going to want to get up to tonight.
I’m almost there when something in my chest seizes and convulses, bringing me to my knees with the sudden force.
“Holy shit,” I gasp through the pain of what feels like my heart actually skipping a beat.
With fear-filled eyes, I fall the rest of the way to the ground and struggle to breathe through the needles stabbing into my skin.
I can’t. Gasping and swallowing doesn’t do anything.
I’m in trouble, and I can’t even call for help.
“Poppy?” Logan is there, his face right above me. “Poppy, look at me. Tell me what’s wrong.” His hands are cradling me, holding me gently by the neck.
Opening my mouth, I can’t force words out. I can’t even inhale, something I need desperately to do.
I feel the heat rise into my face and claw at my chest, silently praying that I can inhale.
That I can catch my breath.
My heart thuds painfully, and there are spots lining my vision.
So many seconds pass that I’m sure I’m hallucinating.
My mouth is opening and closing, but I can’t pull a breath into my lungs.
Logan opens his mouth, but I can’t hear his words over my blood pounding through my veins.
When his lips meet mine, I think I’m dead.
Until he starts to breathe for me.