18. Chase
There was no time to process Zak”s admission, to follow up with a question, to tell her how confused he was by her timing. Chase’s first thought, his only thought, was, What the fuck does that have to do with the fact that I love you?
But all his frustration was reabsorbed by his wounded heart when he realized she was on the brink of tears. Not sorrow, but fear.
“Hey, that’s not a lie,” he tried to soothe her, as baffled as he was. “I never asked.”
“No, it is a lie,” she insisted. “I never thought this would last, or turn into anything serious, and I should’ve known better. It’s so obvious, hearing that fucking song played back to me again. I should’ve known then that I was falling in love with you. Instead, I wrote it off entirely, and then it happened anyway, and I didn’t know what to do because it was too late. And I can’t sit here and tell you I love you when it makes everything serious. It starts with love, it turns into marriage. It turns into a family home. Then kids, to fill all those empty bedrooms. How am I supposed to talk about the future when I don’t have a future to offer you? All because I just don’t want to.”
Her hand strayed beneath the hem of her shirt, where he knew from memory there was a thin, pale scar. “The day I turned eighteen, I started looking for a doctor. It took months to find someone who was willing to do the surgery, but I knew as soon as I moved out that I never wanted to go back to that life. I never saw the point in being anyone’s wife. Never wanted to be anyone’s mother, ever again. I don’t like kids, and I don’t care if it makes me selfish. My dreams, my goals, are everything to me. I’m not putting them on pause for anyone else. So, I made sure I wouldn’t have to. And I had my tubes removed.”
She made Chase question if he had ever thought about children himself.
It never came up with the trajectory his life had followed. He had never parented a sibling, like Zak. Had never even held a baby. His family was all aging, and he and Lydia had grown up as the youngest attendees at every holiday get-together. He was lucky enough to become financially stable the instant he became an adult, so that was never a consideration, and his dating life had always capped out after a couple of stale dinners or a few rounds of casual sex.
He tried to envision that future. The one he’d never thought of, because he had never been serious about a person the way he was about Zak. He’d grown up in that house in the suburbs. Two parents who fell in love and got married at a chapel surrounded by friends and family. It was a fine way to grow up. A traditional, acceptable, stable way to grow up. But that was never the life he was going to have anyway.
Even if he wasn’t bouncing from city to city right now, living in the public eye as the lead singer of Saint of Spades, the alternative version of his life—the one he had already lived—had been the same. Being an athlete and being a rock star couldn’t be more different skill-wise, but the culture? Pretty similar, as far as he was concerned.
“You can’t want more with me because I have nothing more to give.” She bit her bottom lip. Fumbled with her hands.
He hated that she was nervous. It made him nervous, even though he had never been so sure of what he wanted to say.
He waited until she met his eyes to ask, “And you just assumed I want all those things? Because you never asked me what I want.”
“It’s what everyone wants,” Zak said in a matter-of-fact way that reminded him of how many times she’d probably been told that growing up. That she was destined to be a wife and mother, when, if she was destined for anything, it was to be the greatest guitarist of all time. “It’s what everyone does, rock star or not. There are musicians out there with much more established careers, much crazier schedules. Most of them have had kids. Have been married, probably more than once.”
He ignored her. “Ask me what I want.”
She squinted, ever so slightly. Infuriatingly, endearingly skeptical. “What do you want?”
“I want you,” his voice broke. “Fuck the rest.”
The crease between her brows disappeared as she stared back at him, unblinking. “It’s a big deal, Chase.”
“No, it’s not.” He took her hands, warming them with his own. “I don”t care if you don’t want kids. I don’t care if you don’t want to sign a piece of paper in front of a minister. I don”t care if we live in a countryside mansion or a studio apartment downtown. I don’t care about any of it as long as I have you. When I think about my future with you, I’m not thinking about the shit you can give me or do for me. I’m not interviewing you for a job, Zak. I’m telling you I love you. Exactly as you are. Because of who you are. And I don’t want you to put your dreams and goals on pause for me or for anyone else. I want to live them with you.”
Tears spilled over her cheeks. His face was so warm, his eyes so prickly, that he was certain he was crying, too, as he wrapped his arms around her.
He pulled her to his body. Buried his face in the soft frizz of her hair. It was impossible to tell which tears belonged to whom when they were both still damp with sweat and unsteady on their feet.
“I can’t believe you kept this all inside because you didn’t think you would be enough for me,” he said. “I love you. I have adored you and idolized you since we were kids, and I still do. I’ve lived this crazy life, experienced things most people could never imagine, and you are the best thing that has happened to me of all. You are so much more than enough. You’re everything. And I love you.”
He”d held back for so long, it was like he couldn’t say it enough. Every utterance was a link broken in the chain that had been weighing him down.
Zak pulled away, pain twisting into joy as she smiled at him, still weepy-eyed, and said, “I love you.” A sigh shuddered from her lips. “Fuck. That’s the first time I’ve said that to anyone.”
His heart jack-hammered in his chest as he kissed her slowly and sweetly. He knew the meaning of, Maybe you’ll float, but baby I’ll sink in, now. Because his head spun with the same sensation as bubbles, racing to the surface of the water, as he sank deeper into the feeling of her lips on his.
“Give me your second time, then,” he mumbled, barely able to part his mouth from hers long enough to hear it.
“I love you, Chase.”
Blood exploded through his veins.
“How many times have I said it?” he asked. Begging, in disguise. “It’s only fair of you to catch up.”
“Asshole.” She grinned against his mouth. Her tongue swiped over his lower lip as she placed a hand over his heart. “I love you.” Her lips brushed his ear as the next whisper came, “I love you.” A soft kiss at the base of his neck. “I love you.” Her hands, sneaking up his shirt and gliding over his skin. “I love you. Do you think that covers it?”
“Haven’t been counting.” He picked up her abandoned key card and let them both in. Forgetting, temporarily, which door led to his room, because her fingertips were trailing promises down his arm and her smile had turned him backward and inside-out.
She leaned back against the door to shut it behind them. “I don’t give a fuck about going to that party.”
“That makes two of us.” Chase exhaled, his eyes tracing her chest, her hips. Her stage outfit clung to her curves like a second skin. Her cheeks were pink, her eyes clouded by smudged black makeup. “You’re beautiful, Zak Parker.”
Even more beautiful when she kept failing to conceal the pureness of her smile. “You’re a sap, Chase Payton.”
Fuck yeah, he was. “Don’t act tough.” He tugged on the row of laces holding her top together. “You like it.”
Their kiss was a whirlwind. Into the bedroom where they tore through each other’s clothes. Literally, in Chase’s case, because those pants of hers wanted to cling to her ass and thighs as badly as he did.
He was getting ready to throw her on the bed when she led him out onto the walled-in terrace instead. To the hot tub, surrounded by shrubs and potted palms.
Distant city lights coated every luscious line of Zak’s body.
Desire scrambled his thoughts. Hot pinpricks broke out over his skin.
It didn’t matter how many times he saw her standing in front of him, sprawled out on the bed, laughing, writing, playing guitar in what he could hardly believe she called only “pajamas.” Bras that her breasts spilled out of, panties that covered only half of her tight, sexy ass. T-shirts with nothing beneath. Nothing at all. She knocked the wind out of him every single time.
“Are you just going to stand there and stare, or are you going to get in here with me?”
Chase took a second to scrape his jaw off the ground as she lifted herself into the jacuzzi. Steam climbed her skin. Curling over her hips and chest and everywhere else he wanted to feel under his palms. “You know exactly what you’re doing to me, don’t you?”
She twisted her hair into a bun and smirked. “Come here.”
He crossed the cool concrete, bare-footed, and sat on the ledge.
Her fingertips made warm, wet lines over his bare skin. Across his ribs, then his thigh, as he rolled down the sleeve of his prosthesis. She was the only person in the world who had the power to make him forget its very existence.
“I should be the one staring,” she said as he swung his leg into the hot, bubbling water. Her eyes flitted over his shoulders, chest, and abs. Lower. She tucked her lip between her teeth.
He sank into the water, finding her legs beneath the surface and sliding his hands up them. Flashing back to all the times he’d caught himself checking them out during the show. “Weirds me out that pretty soon you’re gonna be on a poster in every teen boy’s room in the country.”
“You’re already on posters in teen boys’ bedrooms.”
“And there’s my second favorite thing about you.”
“The second?” Her knees grazed his hip bones. “Here I thought one and two went together.”
His eyes drifted to her breasts. “Yeah, I love those too,” he admitted. “But they don’t even make the top ten.”
“Oh?” Zak arched a brow.
“Number one is your passion.” He brought a hand to the small of her waist. “Then that smart, vulgar mouth of yours.”
A mouth that closed around his in a warm, soft kiss with the tiniest kick of salt and bite of teeth. He was panting for her, for more, by the end of it, but he kept going anyway. “You’re the strongest person I know. The most honest. The most loyal friend. You’re creative as hell, hilarious, and brilliant to boot. You never let other people tell you how to live. And whenever I’m with you, I feel… seen. Completely.”
Her eyes searched Chase’s, hypnotic as ever and surprised as hell. It was obvious she hadn’t expected him to run through the whole list, and he hadn’t either, but one look at her and it all rushed to the surface. Funny, his parents used to introduce him as the shy one. He didn’t normally have a whole lot of words, but around Zak, they flowed uncontrollably.
“Is that ten yet?”
She breathed deeply. “Sure. Sounded like ten to me.”
“Perfect.” His hands roamed up, over her stomach to cup her soft, full breasts. “Then your body.”
“Sooo far down the list,” she drawled, her voice sharpening in pitch as he brushed over the center of her tits.
“What can I say? You’re torturing me with it half the time. I had to knock it down a few pegs.”
He slid his hands over her wet skin. Soft pink nipples flushed brighter from the heat as they hardened in the cool air. He rolled them between his thumbs and middle fingers.
“But god you’re so fucking hot, my angel,” he breathed. “I just needed you to know how much more than hot you are. Who you are is the hottest thing about you.”
He crushed his lips to hers, his body going numb as Zak tasted him with her tongue. She was already whimpering for more as she sidled closer with tiny side-to-side hip motions that made his cock throb.
Chase was fucking delirious.
Instead of getting used to the way she wanted him back, it only became more unbelievable every time. Because now, not only did she want him like this, she wanted it all.
She loved him.
The only thing keeping him grounded to Earth was that this was too good to be a hallucination.
Dreams were mute. The imaginary version of her didn’t say “please” when he ran his fingers over the crease of her upper thigh. Didn’t gasp when he grabbed her by the hips and pinned her to the wall of the hot tub.
It wasn’t enough to imagine how wet she would get when he sat her on the ledge and sucked on her neck, the tips of her breasts. How her short nails would claw into his feverish skin as he undid the pinned-up sections of her long hair to run his hands through it.
His most vivid memories couldn’t dredge up exactly what her moan would sound like as he teased her entrance with the tip of his thumb, coating it in her desire to make slow strokes against her clit that matched the way her tongue stroked his. What her body would feel like moving against his, begging for more. Begging for him to have every part of her, any way he wanted because Zak—the woman who trusted no one—trusted him to take her apart piece by piece.
But choosing how to have her was impossible. The way he wanted her was any way that would make her bite her lip. Make her brows scrunch together, her body shake, her eyes tear up. Make her say his name on repeat like the chorus of her favorite song.
He wanted to learn every single way to make her come. Wanted her to experience every possible drop of pleasure so viscerally it was selfish, because he wanted to be the only one to make her feel better than any drink, any drug, any song blasted on stage.
“How do you want me?” he spoke into her mouth, barely breaking the kiss.
“Now.”
He smiled. “Not what I meant.”
“Don’t care.”
He raked one hand into her hair, the other grabbing her waist to flip her around. Flattening on her stomach as he pushed in slowly, slowly. Until he was buried in her.
That hot vise wrenched a groan from his lungs as he lowered them both beneath the surface of the water. Finding the perfect answer to his question when she gasped at the burst from the spa jet.
“Like that?”
“Mm. Reminds me of when I wrote that song,” she said hazily. “In the bathtub. Touching myself, thinking of you. Our first kiss.”
“I love knowing you were in the next room. That you got off thinking about me.”
“I’m always thinking about you.” She moaned, soft and low, as he started to move inside her. A sound of bliss, of relief. Her muscles bore down on him, impossibly tight. “Fuck. I love you.”
He pressed his lips to the crook of her shoulder and tried to catch his breath. “Not like I love you.”
She made a sound, something like “nuh-uh,” but didn’t finish that thought as her fingers curled on the ledge of the jacuzzi. The muscles in her arms and shoulders flexed as she pushed back onto him, driving him deeper. Grinding her ass against him. Making sounds of ecstasy that escaped and drifted in the air with the warm steam.
“Tell me it’s as good for you as it is for me,” he begged, head spinning from the heat, but mostly from her.
Her hair whipped to the side, slapping her skin, as she turned over her shoulder. Her eyes flickered like neon in the cool iridescent lighting. “Fucking better.”
Chase doubted that, but hoped it was true nonetheless.
He closed his fist around her hair, his body over hers. The humidity sealed his chest to her back. It heightened the heat and friction of every press of their fingertips.
He drove into her deep and slow. Gradually, faster.
Bubbling water sloshed between their bodies and streamed down her skin as his push met hers.
She hooked her leg around the back of his knee. Rolling her hips against him—the way she knew drove him crazy—until he couldn’t help the desperate groan that rumbled against her neck as he kissed it. Sucked on it.
He forced her closer to the constant pressure of the jet against her clit.
She sucked in a sharp breath.
“Okay?”
“More than.”
Her body tensed. Shivered. Came for the first time as they moved together, as he explored every part of her, all at once. As he picked up the pace to meet her demand, to see how fast and hard he could push her over the edge.
She strained her neck to kiss him. At first, rhythmically, but sloppier as sweet, shattered sounds interrupted her breathing.
“So good, Chase. I love the way you fuck me.”
One moment he was fine. The next, her words shot through him. It was as if she’d commanded him to come, and he’d been brainwashed to obey. But he didn’t want to lose himself to that raw, explosive urge just yet.
“What can I do? To make you come again for me, honey,” he pleaded in between a slew of uncontrollable curses and noises, still making strokes inside her. Ribbons of the most painful pleasure he’d ever experienced danced across his nerve endings as he tried to hold back.
“Love the way you sound,” she mumbled as he groaned.
“You’re—ah—mm. Zak, I can’t—”
He grabbed her hips and spun her around, backing her against the hot tub wall. One hand on the ledge, one on her ass, he drove into her. Pounding, reckless, and starved for oxygen. Especially as she took over their kiss like she was using his mouth as her personal gag while she writhed against him.
Her second orgasm took him crashing with her as he watched her expressive face twist, then relax, with pleasure. He kissed her tenderly as he came apart over and over again, burning hot and shivering at the same time.
The end was the best and worst part. The drop from an impossible high. Making love to her dulled every other sensation in comparison.
He cradled her face in his palms, deepening the kiss until they were both gasping for air in the open night.
When he finally, reluctantly, loosened his grip on her, Zak propped half of her body out of the water by her elbows. Her chest heaved as her breathing evened out. “You never asked for my list.”
“Your list?” He pressed his lips to her collarbone, not wanting to, not able to stop touching her.
“Of my favorite things about you.”
“Got a little distracted.” He smiled against the hollow of her throat. “You don’t have to give me a list.”
“I want to. Because you’re so, so thoughtful. I don’t think anyone has ever shown me they care about me the way you do,” she started shakily. “That’s my number one.”
Chase knew that, and hated it. He wanted to be the best, but he didn’t want to be the only. “I don’t think you should credit me for that. I can’t not show you. Even when I was trying my best to hold back, your friends could all see right through me.”
“And I’m the dumb one who didn’t know,” she joked.
“It’s not dumb.” He brushed his thumb over her knuckles. “You just didn’t know what to look for.”
Her eyes sparkled as she smirked at him. “This is going to be a long night if you fight me on every one of these.”
He held up his hands. “I’ll shut up.”
“You always give everything you’ve got, and then some. You never settle for anything less than your best when you do anything. You’re insanely talented, but humble. Never complacent. You’re quick to find the best in people, even when you don’t always see it in yourself. You’ve got the sexiest quietly competitive side. You’re calm and easy to talk to and open-minded.
“And I think you’re stronger than me. Because yeah, I tell people to ‘fuck off’ all the time. But you stick around. You’ll let people hurt you so they don’t have to hurt themselves, and then you’ll smile through it.” She pressed her thumb to his bottom lip. “I love your smile.”
“I’m sure you’ll be seeing a lot of it,” he said. Unable to stop smiling.
“I hope so. That’s a new goal of mine.”
With the way Zak threw herself at her goals, and with how much he loved her, he had no doubt she would achieve it.
They missed the first after-party of their first tour. There had to be an unspoken law against that in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Handbook, but whether the fictional punishment was a fine, jail time, or community service, Chase did not give a damn. He wasn’t moving from this bed until it was time to transition to the mattress on the bus.
Well, until Snickerdoodle hopped on top of his chest, begging to be taken out.
“I’ve got it.” Zak peeled back the sheets. Her clothes had been carelessly abandoned on the other side of the room, and he gave his past self a mental pat on the back for that foresight as she bent over, naked, to collect them.
“I’m not leaving you to walk the dog by yourself, at two a.m., along the Las Vegas strip.”
“Why not? She’s like a built-in bodyguard.”
“Yeah. I’m sure the tail-wagging scares off all the thugs.”
Despite corporate’s disdain for the furry addition to their tour, the crew had fallen in love with Zak’s dog, and had happily volunteered to dog-sit during events. So far, Snickerdoodle’s first day on the road had consisted of the food-filled drive, a nap with Mason during sound-check, a playdate with the equipment team during sets, and another well-deserved nap with one of the audio engineers while Zak and Chase were supposed to be at the party they’d ditched.
Their earlier conversation seemed like the wrong time to make the joke, but now… “You know,” Chase said as he finished putting his leg back on. “I like dogs way better than kids anyway.”
Zak rolled her eyes, but he didn’t miss the smile peeking through as she scratched the tufts of hair poking up from Snickerdoodle’s ears.
Despite the chaos pumping through the veins of Sin City, a sense of peace swelled between them in the brisque night. The resort was located right off the Strip, sandwiched between a disorienting mix of other casinos, showrooms, and restaurants of every theme—each one more extravagant than the next. Marquee signs and neon arrows flagged down passing cars and pedestrians like silent and ever-present peddlers.
New York had laced their late-night walks with restlessness, art, and romance, and Vegas came along to show them the opposite. It was less a stroll than an overstimulating, flashing peepshow. Music pumped from night clubs. Drunken perverts stumbled out of strip clubs. Gamblers threw their hard-earned money at impossible odds.
Not that Chase should be the judge of impossible odds.
“So, what does your future look like, then?” Zak asked him, tucking her hands into her pockets once the dog calmed down. Snickerdoodle seemed content to walk at their pace, taking in what must have been a fascinating cocktail of odors.
Chase read the passing signs with no real comprehension or interest. “This is the first time I’ve thought about my future in a long time. It’s hard to say.”
“Give me the first thing that comes to mind.”
He feigned contemplation. “I guess my only real plan of action is to master the guitar—with the help of your extremely aggressive instruction—strike out on my solo career, and become a complete sell-out just to add a couple more million to my bank account.”
“Good. Looks like we’re not in danger of losing our lead singer again anytime soon, then. I’ve never seen anyone take so long to properly finger an E-minor chord. It’s the easiest one.”
Chase smirked. “Seems like kind of an oversight for your comeback to criticize my fingering.”
A blush spread from the tip of her nose across her cheeks. “Did you want to answer my question? Or did you want to stick with our usual routine of sarcasm and sex?”
“Yes. And yes,” he said. “This is what my future looks like. Sarcasm, and sex. As much as I can get of both.”
“Where do you want to live?”
“Not with my sister.”
He loved Lydia, but maybe he didn’t love the part where she ate all his food after telling him she didn’t want any, opened all his mail, barged into his room unannounced, and stared at him with those pryingeyes while demanding the details of where he’d been and what he’d been doing all day.
“Wow,” Zak said. “You wanted to unpack my childhood tonight, and yet, we’re living through a real-life example of how yours beat the ever-loving shit out of your ability to express a solid opinion.”
“Fine.” Chase thought for a moment. “I hate LA. It’s crowded, the traffic sucks, it’s always summer, and I can’t leave my house without being paranoid about people approaching me in public because of the celebrity culture. There. Does that answer your question?”
“It’s an improvement,” she said.
“Where do you want to live?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to live far from my friends, but I don’t know what they want. None of us have had the option before.”
And Chase had never had friends worth staying with before, which was what kept him from standing on his “I hate the city” soapbox in the first place. As much as he did, he didn’t hate the wacky holiday celebrations, the poker nights that didn’t feature real money even now that they had it, and all the other shenanigans.
Beyond enjoying finally having friends of his own, he loved watching her with her friends. Knowing that she did have a family full of unconditional support. Just in a different way.
“Such a hypocrite,” he chastised.
“It’s not the same thing,” she argued. “It’s not a non-answer, it’s an ask-me-later. After the tour. There’s a lot of places I haven’t seen.”
“How about, after the tour, I ask you to move in with me instead? And we’ll figure it out together.”
The boldness of this city must have rubbed off on Chase because that was not where he had anticipated their talk going. But now, he saw all the specifics she had been asking him for.
It started with an apartment, anywhere. His toothbrush next to hers on the bathroom counter, his clothes hanging alongside hers in the closet. Or, maybe not. All of Zak’s shoes would have to fit somewhere.
They were both shit at cooking—he had spent a lifetime eating grilled lean protein and vegetables, and Zak survived on grab-and-go meals. They would make disappointing dinners together and cover up their mistakes with barbecue and hot sauces.
She would get cranky with him whenever her ideas weren’t working out the way she envisioned. He would be perplexed by how a person could be so obsessed with making music that they forgot everything including the most basic steps of a daily routine—sleep, meals, hair brushing, getting dressed. And they would argue about it until they forgot about why they were arguing and started laughing instead.
She would get disorganized, and he would clean up the chaos. He would get withdrawn, and she would drag him out of the darkness. Some nights they would lay awake talking until they fell asleep. Some, they would pass out as soon as they hit the mattress. Others, they wouldn’t sleep at all.
“I guess four months on the road is the best way to test a relationship,” she said.
He had expected more pushback because she was the biggest cynic he’d ever known, but the corners of her eyes were tight with a restrained smile.
“If you’re going to break my heart, you’d better do it quickly. Because that sounds like a yes, Parker.”
He had unwittingly kept a bank of moments with her since the day of the reunion. Tonight would remain there eternally.
“It’s a yes.”