29. Chase
Zak gave Chase’s parents a detailed tour of the rooms and ropes backstage, introducing them to the roadies she’d made friends with and the rest of their band. True to her word, she walked them to the green room and snack bar, and even excitedly answered all his father’s technical questions when she showed them the equipment room.
By the end of her explanation of all the pedals and effects, Richard seemed fully enamored with his son’s girlfriend. To the point that Chase wondered if he’d have to fight for future guitar lessons against his rock-loathing father.
He practically had to pry her away by the end to go to their pre-show meet-and-greet session, and was about to thank her for being so good to the people who had only been judgmental toward her in the past, when Zak spoke first.
“Before we go in there, I should warn you. Your parents aren’t the only ones who wanted to come to the homecoming show.”
“What?”
She seemed to deliberate spitting out the answer, but instead, turned the door handle.
In the three seconds it took her to open it, Chase ran through a mental checklist of all the people he knew in California. But it turned out, he wasn’t even thinking about the right state, as he came face to face with four of his old teammates, standing at the end of the line. Looking mere fractions of how unsure and awkward Chase felt on the inside.
Chase tried not to let their presence distract him as he moved down the line of fans first, doling out autographs and taking pictures, but it was impossible to focus on anything else. The others thankfully took the brunt of the responsibility for making conversation while he tried to mentally rehearse this impending reunion.
Why are they here?
What do I do?
What do I say?
“There he is!” Stephen said boisterously when Chase made it to the end of the line. The full beard on his face that hadn’t been there before, as dark and nearly as long as his brown hair, was Chase’s only visual reminder of how long it had been.
He recognized these guys like he’d spoken to them yesterday, though everything had changed. His entire life. Their lives, most likely. They were strangers now, but at one point, Chase would’ve considered them the closest thing he’d ever had to friends.
For his first season, he’d been the outcast—the rookie, the show-off, the quiet guy. Eventually, a few of them figured out that the reason he hadn’t fit in with the team wasn’t because he thought he was better than them. It was the exact opposite.
Going pro had always felt like a delusion. He’d signed on with the Kodiaks early because there was nothing for him at college, not because he thought he had a chance of making the first line his second season. He knew he worked hard, that he was good, but good enough to make it so big at such a young age?
Good enough at singing to front a now world-famous rock band?
Should’ve been playing the lottery this whole time.
“Hey! Wow,” Chase said, feigning comfortability but wholly unable to disguise his shock. “I can’t believe you guys are here.”
“We thought we’d surprise you.” Ty’s big, boyish cheeks balled up as he went for a handshake and patted Chase on the shoulder.
Chase backed away from the greeting and tried not to stare at any one of them for too long. It was disorienting, having once been so close to these people but feeling so distant from them now.
He could make a joke about how Ty must still shop for clothes exclusively from the Kodiaks merch store. Or ask Jacob whether they’d tested him for PEDs recently—because he still looked like he was on steroids no matter how many negatives came back over the years. Or, if he wanted to get slammed in return, he could ask Felix why he was wearing a turtleneck sweater during the summer in Southern California.
But all that came out was, “Consider me surprised.” Chase tried to smile politely. “I didn’t know you were keeping tabs on my, uh—on—me?”
“Are you kidding?” Felix said in his thick Danish accent, looking at Chase like he was an idiot. Though, if memory served, that was just the way he looked at everyone. “You are all over TV and the fucking news and everything. We paid to get in here and see the famous Chase Payton.”
“Yeah, turns out you’re not all that expensive to meet,” Stephen said.
Jacob huffed. “Speak for yourself, not everyone got a five-million-dollar contract this year.”
Ty raised a brow. “Sounds like somebody’s still pissy about the trade.”
“It’s Canada.”
“What’s wrong with Canada?” Stephen, who was from Calgary, asked at the same time Felix added, “Hockey is from Canada.”
“That’s debatable.”
Chase stood there for a few more beats, trying to decide what to say, but thankfully that was delayed when the guys started hurtling questions at him.
“How are you doing?” Stephen started.
“I cannot believe it,” Felix shook his head. “A fucking rock singer, Payton? All this time you have been living a double life.”
“Yeah, when did you get cool?” Jacob asked. “Mr. Don’t-drink-don’t-smoke, ‘No, thanks for the invite, but I think I’ll head in early for the night.’”
“And do you sign jockstraps?” Ty joked.
“Not for you,” Felix tsked. “His hand might cramp up if he has to draw the letters that tiny.”
“Give it a rest, guys,” Stephen said as they all chuckled. “I think we’re freaking him out.”
The invisible wall separating Chase from his old life was now demolished. It felt like a monumental moment internally, but outwardly, it was business as usual. His band was only a few feet away, finishing up their signatures while he was feeling claustrophobic about talking to four people he used to share a locker room with.
“No.” Chase shook his head, not that it helped clear anything up. “Not freaked out, just—it’s been a while. I never would’ve— I can’t believe you’re here. And I’m feeling like sort of an asshole because you’re here. I haven’t gone to any of the games, I haven’t called. I just disappeared. And now… you’re here.”
Yes, they’re here. You already established that, genius.
Now it was their turn to stare at him awkwardly.
Jacob’s bushy eyebrows scrunched together. “Well, who could blame you? I would’ve disappeared, too. Wouldn’t have gone to any of the games either. They’d slap a bunch of cameras on you every chance they got.”
The thing was, Chase thought they would blame him, but the circle of agreeing nods told him how wrong he’d been. Relief didn’t replace the guilt, but it did help to lessen it.
“Looks like I haven’t been doing a great job avoiding the whole camera thing anyway.” Chase gestured absently around the room.
Stephen smiled. “The phone works both ways. Course, not when you disconnect your number.”
“Sorry about that,” Chase offered weakly. “I thought about—”
“Don’t sweat it.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. Though Chase could only imagine how badly it sucked to be cut off by a friend like that. From seeing each other nearly every day to nothing. No explanation whatsoever.
“You are doing better, ya?” Felix asked.
“Yeah, I’m”—Chase laughed in disbelief—“Since the last time you saw me? Yeah. I’m doing great. Do you want to meet the rest of the band?”
“Of course,” Ty said. “And we have to meet this girlfriend of yours.”
“Finally, something worth turning in early for.” Jacob gave his shoulder an out-of-practice shove.
Chase laughed shyly. “Not easy to tell the difference between early and late these days anyway.”
“Can’t wait to meet Zak, too,” Stephen added. “In person this time.”
Chase tensed.
Zak, too. Of course. Because Izzy was the girlfriend they wanted to meet. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that they thought that when the rest of the world did also.
“You’re just saying that because she’s hot,” Ty said.
Stephen lowered his voice. “Not just because she’s hot.”
“She is too cool for you,” Felix sniffed. “You should try a nanny. Or a florist. Those would be more your speed.”
“Zak’s great.” Cool and hot and so much more than he was allowed to say right now. And Chase got the distinct impression he was about to watch his estranged teammates mercilessly hit on her because of it. He swallowed and glanced in Zak’s direction, wondering how much of their conversation she’d overheard. “How did you all get in touch, anyway?”
Stephen hesitated. “I got in touch with your manager, actually. Scott, I think he said his name was? Wanted to ask before we showed up out of the blue. Thought maybe you just wanted to put the past behind you entirely, and if you did, well. We’d get it. Scott said he wasn’t the best person to ask, so he put us on the line with Zak instead, and she said you’d probably appreciate it. So, I bought the tickets and asked the guys if they wanted to come with me.”
“And I love rock music,” said Felix. “I am the one who told them about this awesome shit. To think, we were worried you were just depressed and alone when you wouldn’t pick up the phone.”
Not far off.
“What Felix means to say,” said Ty, “is that we missed having you around.”
“Yeah. It’s really good to see you again, man,” Jacob agreed.
“I’m glad you guys came,” Chase said with a simplicity that didn’t feel like it fully conveyed the scope of how much this meant to him. “And I’m sorry, again. For making you doubt whether I would be.”
Unexpected and awkward as it was, how could he not appreciate the time they’d taken to show up for a guy who had stopped showing up for them? Chase knew firsthand how busy they all were.
Apart from the gameplay and travel, and all the other responsibilities, Jacob was married with four children—and apparently, busy moving that whole family of his to Canada. Felix normally traveled back home to Europe during the offseason. Stephen ran a nonprofit. Ty was friends with everybody, so Chase had never thought of himself as someone special when they’d gotten along.
Stephen waved him off again. “There’s nothing to apologize for. Seriously.”
Chase reached for the stack of promo posters sitting on the merch table, and, instead of autographing them, scribbled his phone number in silver ink on four copies before handing them out. “I won’t disconnect this one if you want to use it. If we happen to cross cities again.”
“Sure we will.” Ty folded his paper into unequal squares and stuffed it in his pocket. “Perks of the job.”
Dallas was the first to insert himself into the conversation, patting Chase on the back as he quickly sorted out who the strangers were that had taken up so much of his time. A group of tall, muscular men familiar to Chase—one of whom was inseparable from his team logo—must have been fairly easy to pin down as hockey players.
But Dallas nodded to Chase and asked, “What are we lookin’ at here? Your old show choir group?”
“Your spare guitar player is funny.” Felix’s smirk deepened. “And tiny.”
Dallas tipped his chin. “Your Russian buddy uses too much hair gel.”
“Danish.”
“I love those things. Especially the cheese ones.”
“No.” Felix sighed. “I am from Copenhagen.”
“And I’m a rhythm guitarist.” Dallas lit up a cigarette with one hand while he shook Felix’s with the other.
“And you’re Zak,” Stephen said, extending a hand to her before even Chase was aware that she was standing behind him.
“Yeah. Steve, was it?” she asked, in what Chase could tell was an attempt to be cordial.
But Stephen had never gone by Steve, and there was no way he was used to people not knowing that when he was the Kodiaks’ team captain, their longest-tenured player, their top-selling jersey, and, now that Chase was gone, also their top-scorer.
Despite this, Stephen said, “Yep!” and flashed her an excessively friendly smile before he must have finally remembered how much he hated the nickname. “Actually, Stephen. But yeah.”
“Do you wanna hang out a while longer?” Chase asked, breaking up whatever that was.
They all happily took him up on the offer, and conversations flowed more naturally than Chase would’ve expected as they transitioned to the couch.
His friends, old and new, traded travel experiences and job gripes. Stories about irritating press conferences and fans that took things just a little too far. The overlaps between his last life and this one made it easy for everyone to find common ground. Unfortunately, it also made it easy for Stephen and Ty to hint at their interest in Chase’s secret girlfriend.
Or, in Felix’s case, to abandon the subtlety altogether. “So, are you single?” he asked Zak after she announced that she was going to head out.
To Chase’s right, Edge choked on his iced tea.
Zak stood and tossed her jacket over her shoulder. “I’m not looking to date anyone.”
“I did not ask you on a date,” Felix pointed out.
She shot him a dubious look. “I’m not interested in whatever you are asking. How about that?”
The guys shared a laugh.
“Watch out,” warned Ty. “That’s his type.”
“Fine.” She rested her hip on the back of her empty chair. “I’m not single, then.”
“Well, now I don’t believe you,” Felix said. “Who is he?”
“Does it matter? You wouldn’t know him.”
“What if I do?”
Chase hid his smile behind his drink glass, but Zak caught it.
And flashed him one of her own. “You don’t.”
For the first time in his adult life, Chase felt something other than relief saying goodbye to his parents at the end of the evening. One night of support wasn’t enough to make up for all their suppression and discouragement over the years, but it was enough to spark hope.
Someday, maybe family dinner wouldn’t have to be a multi-hour exercise in self-restraint and forced laughter. Maybe he and his dad could talk about something deeper than sports and the weather. Maybe they’d even like Chase for who he really was instead of for the perfect son he had tried to curate for them.
But he was getting ahead of himself there.
“What did you say to my mother on the phone?” Chase asked with one last glance toward his parents as they started up their SUV.
Zak twirled the rings on her knuckles. “Nothing special. Just that I was happy they came around.”
“You’re a terrible liar, but a halfway decent topic-avoider, I’ll give you that.”
“I might’ve mentioned something about you being a good person. Or the best person,” she said, pretending she was annoyed about disclosing this. “About how I know I’d hate myself if I had the chance to be close to you and didn’t take it. Which I feel qualified to say, given my experience.”
He brushed her wrist with the back of his hand, hoping she could tell without the kiss he was dying to lay on her, the hug he was dying to give her, that she meant the world to him.
“Thank you for this. I know it’s complicated with my parents, but I appreciate how good you’ve been to them anyway.”
“It’s not complicated. It’s simple. If they want to push you around, I’ll push back. If they want to try, I’ll make the same effort back.”
“I don’t think you understand—that’s not a simple thing for most people.” It took a lot of strength to push back, and even more to extend a hand to those who had started the fight. “Then again, you’re not most people. And apparently, I’m far from the only guy who feels that way.” He grinned and shook his head.
At the very least, he hoped Zak had enjoyed the ego boost of having pro athletes trip over her after continually lauding fangirls and boob portraits over his head.
If anything, she looked embarrassed. “Didn’t realize I had such a specific target demographic.”
“I think it makes sense,” he said as they turned back toward the building. “We love a good competition.”
“Funny. I never thought of any of you as good competition,” she teased. “Other than that, it went well?”
“It’s weird seeing them again. But weird in a good way, I think. I’m meeting them for lunch tomorrow before we head out. Wish I could bring you—”
“I don’t,” Zak said quickly.
He laughed. “I meant, I wish they could’ve met you properly.”
“Yeah. They seemed alright over the phone. I mean, for hockeyplayers.”
“You love hockey players.”
“I love a—singular—former hockey player. I don’t think that counts,” Zak said in a hushed voice. Another minuscule reminder of all the simple, little ways they had to hide.
Chase tried not to let it get him down, but today had been a rough one.
His parents were understanding of the PR relationship, which didn’t surprise him when they were heavily accustomed to faking relationships themselves. In fact, they’d found it to be some sort of exciting hallmark of fame for their son to be so entrenched in the celebrity world that he had a fake girlfriend. But now that he could finally somewhat come out of his shell around them, he was still barred from talking about the biggest part of his life.
And then there was lying to the guys who he had already cast aside.
It was a simple thing to pretend he and Zak were just friends. Neither of them were making any monumental sacrifices, but then again, why did they have to make sacrifices at all? It had to be obvious enough at this point that Saint of Spades’ music was selling itself, and he was sure Izzy would do fine without him as well.
He supposed the answer hid in those tiny word changes. Tribute didn’t want “fine,” they wanted “as much profit as humanly possible.”
Chase tried to count down the days left, but it no longer seemed as clear-cut as Trevor had implied. They had to wait until the tour was over, but the public had gotten more attached to their personal lives than anyone had predicted.
How long would news of the breakup loom over his head? He couldn’t very well go public with Zak in the middle of all that. How long would they wait then? Or did it matter?
Would she forever be suspected of being the other woman because they were in a band together? Because of the New Year’s Eve photos that predated the tour? Because of what happened in Pittsburgh?
He could deal with being an asshole in the public eye, and he knew she could handle the hate too, but she shouldn’t have to hear about this for the rest of her career.
“I just want to be somebody first, before I’m Chase Payton’s girlfriend,” blared like a siren in his memory. And he had naively promised her that her talent would never be minimized by any of the noise—whether good or bad—surrounding his name.
It shouldn’t be. But that didn’t mean a thing.