8. Chloe
8
CHLOE
I stare at the fork in my hand, the one that I grabbed to eat the lo mein I’m having for dinner from takeout, and think about stabbing it into Benton Mays’ face.
“Use a spork instead,” Kennedy whispers next to me. “It’ll make it easier to scoop out the brains and then feast on them like a zombie.”
Startled, I look away from staring daggers into Ben’s face and see that she is smiling at me instead of eating her cashews and chicken.
“What?”
“Ben. You’re mad at him about something. Probably the same reason Linc’s mad at him. He interrupted the good stuff earlier, and now Linc is trying to actively convince the guys to help him ‘parent trap’ Ben’s mattress tonight and put it out on the lake.”
“I told Remy he needs to get in on that,” Parker says quietly from my other side. “We haven’t had a night away from children since Cassie was born.” She’s practically whining, but I can’t blame her. Pregnancy hormones are ridiculous, and probably making my friend crazy.
“Technically, it’s the afternoon,” Emma points out. When Kennedy and Parker turn on her with evil eyes, Emma holds up her hands in defeat. “But still. He could have told us from the beginning that we needed to just get rooms and come back down. Bribing y’all not to murder him with dinner was a good idea on his part.”
“Not good enough to save him from waking up on the lake.” Kennedy’s eyes are just as intense as I imagine mine are when I think about stabbing the man.
“Dom said he brought extra ropes we can use,” Emma offers.
My mind races, and I pull out my phone before taking another bite of food. “Good plan,” I whisper to her as I type out the message.
C: If Linc really wants to put Ben’s mattress out on the lake while he’s asleep tonight… I want in.
Ian’s phone vibrates on the table in front of him and I wait for him to pick it up. When he doesn’t, ignoring it in favor of the hushed conversation he is having with Linc and Remy, I cough. Loudly. He looks up, and I raise an eyebrow and stare pointedly at his phone.
Setting his plate down immediately, Ian grabs his phone and turns it over, smiling when he sees my message. Then he holds it over for Linc to see.
Linc gives me a thumbs-up, and I know we are on.
But first… I type out another message.
C: When this week is over, I want to talk.
I: Ok.
C: Not gonna ask why?
I’m too busy staring down at my phone while I wait for a response that I don’t notice the silence that fills the air around us. At least, not until it is palpable and my ears burn. That’s when I look up to see Ben standing in front of me with an outstretched hand.
He wiggles the letter, wanting me to take it but still not saying a word.
“What is it?” Leaning back in my chair to keep a safe distance, I want proof that he isn’t about to open a glitter bomb on me or something.
“It’s the first letter from Kevin for his bucket list.”
“A letter?” The question pops out before I can stop it. “Why do I need another letter? This isn’t P.S. I Love You or anything like that. Are you sure it’s not a glitter bomb?”
When Ben doesn’t say anything, just wiggling the letter until I take it, I do so reluctantly.
“I swear, if glitter pops out at me, I’m going to murder you and get away with it. Poppy’ll help me.”
“You can’t say that in a room full of cops,” Logan announces from the other side of the room, where he and Poppy are sitting together and slightly away from the rest of us. “But if it comes down to it, I’d perjure myself for ya. Just say the word and I’ll be there. I have tons of career options outside of law enforcement.”
My fingers are trembling so much that I don’t think I’ll be able to open the letter, let alone hold it still enough to read in front of everyone else. I don’t even trust myself to start a sentence at this point.
And then Ian is there, pulling the letter from my hand, knowing like he always does that I need him more than anything else.
That I can’t do this without him.
Why did I give him back his ring?
“I’ll do it.” His words send a relieved sigh through my body, from my brain down into the tips of my toes.
“Thank you.”
No one else says a word while he carefully tears open the envelope and pulls out a piece of lined paper.
“Hey, no glitter.” Parker sounds shocked. “What?” she asks when I turn my head to see her staring at me. “You can’t blame me for thinking he’d do it. Remember the one he sent to Remy for his birthday last year?”
“I picked glitter out of my hair for a month,” Remy grouses. “But I got him back. I sent a bag of gummy dicks to his unit overseas, with a note that they were from him. Cost a shit ton but it was more than worth it for the videos I got sent from the guys.”
The smile on my face feels so surreal, so unplanned, that I don’t realize until the ache in my cheeks won’t go away that it’s from spending so much time over the last day smiling at something the people around me say or do.
I need this.
Even with the bucket list and the aching agony of saying my final goodbye to Kevin.
I need the time with the most important people in his life. Time away from our home. Where the anger and frustration at what they have and he doesn’t isn’t hanging over our heads. Where I’m able to share in my grief with the man I still love, without expectation or anger at the current situation.
“Dear Chloes,” Ian starts. “Yeah, I called you Chloes. Don’t ask me why. It’s a thing now, and you can’t stop me from doing it ’cause I’m dead. Hopefully, you had me cremated because I don’t want to come back as a zombie.”
A round of laughter fills the air. That and a groan from Dom.
“Fuckin’ zombies.” He grimaces. “I hate zombies.”
“I only said that because I know Dom would say something like ‘fuckin’ zombies’ and I thought that would be funny and everyone should give him shit about it when this is over.” Ian goes on, reading Kevin’s letter. “But seriously. I’m hoping that if you’re reading this, everyone is together in this really awesome lake house that I found while we were trying to do something nice together and plan a family vacation for after your wedding. And it made me think… Kevin, what would you do in a house that big? Who would you want to go? Because there’s no one in my life that I’m as close with as you guys. Now. I’m gonna try not to cry while I write this, because then Ian is gonna cry while he reads it… No, I’m not psychic. I just know my baby sister won’t be able to bring herself to do it and he’ll step in like the hero he is and rescue her, like he should do.”
I sniffle. “Asshole.”
“I am an asshole,” Ian goes on. “Wink at her, Ian. Make her think I’m a fuckin’ ghost sitting right next to her just putting words on the page.”
His hand trembles for a second, and I look up at Ian to see his eyes misting over slightly.
“Just need a second.” His gruff voice sounds hoarse, and he sets the letter down, putting his head in his hands so he can pull himself together. “There.”
“If he knew Parker would be pregnant, we’re gonna go have a seance,” Remy announces loudly, breaking the tension in the room. “Just so we can hear what he has to say about our future.”
“Fuck that. We’re gonna summon his ghost so he can help us buy a lottery ticket,” Parker counters. “Three kids are expensive.”
Remy nods along with his wife. “She’s right. Yup. Lottery tickets.”
I put a hand on Ian’s, which happens to still be cradling his face, ignoring everyone else. “Are you okay?”
“He’s an asshole,” Ian whispers through his fingers. “I don’t care if he’s dead. He always knew exactly how to fuck with us and make us laugh at the same time.”
“I know,” I whisper back. “Remember that time we tied him into the hammock and left him tied on the back porch all night because he wouldn’t stop teasing us about the engagement?”
“You?” Ian laughs. “You just held the duct tape and rope before I needed them.”
“Exactly. I’m the perfect accomplice. As long as I don’t have to do any of the actual hard work. Just complicit enough to do hard time, but not actually guilty of doing it myself.”
“Thank you, Chloe.” His eyes meet mine, and I freeze.
“For what?”
“For being here. For being you.”
My mouth goes dry, and I open it.
To breathe.
To force out the words.
To ask him for another chance.
“Let’s get on with it,” Logan says suddenly. “If we knock out the first thing on his bucket list, maybe we can finish it and throw Ben off the roof.”
“Don’t blame me for you guys not being able to finish the job,” Ben snaps from his place against the bar, holding a beer in his hand. “You guys had plenty of time before I came and interrupted things. You just wanted to waste it. Now you can wait until tonight to finish it.”
Ian picks up the letter before the room can devolve into chaos.
“Shut up,” I tell everyone else, my eyes not leaving his.
Finally, he looks down, and I follow his gaze to the letter.
“Now that Chloe thinks I’m a ghost and refuses to believe that I’m not sitting there with you guys, there was one thing that kept going through my head while I was staring at this house online. What happened if I came home? Remy and Dom, man… the two of you kept me alive overseas, and when Danny died, you held the entire unit together. Linc, well, Linc became the brother I never had. The man who told me it was okay to cry because my parents died and who held the letters to my sister for me in case we died over there. Why did you guys take me in? I’m not outgoing. Or personable. I couldn’t figure it out. Not until Keller joined our unit too. We were all from Birch. Different years in school. Different lives and backgrounds. But we were family. And that’s what you all became to me. Except Ian. That asshole grew up across the street.”
Ian coughs and looks up from the letter, his eyes locking on mine for a minute before going back to the letter. “Chloe. I threatened Ian with a knife and a deep grave if he ever asked you out. And you know what that asshole did? At fifteen years old, he told me to shove it up my ass because you were the sun and the moon and everything else in the sky and that one day, he was going to put his ring on your finger, no matter what I did.” Ian pauses. “See, Ian? I told you I’d get my revenge one day. And I know you’re the one reading this, so mission accomplished. You just told Chloe you’ve loved her since before she knew you existed. Stalker.”
All of the air sucks out of the room, like a vacuum steals it from my lungs, and I can’t breathe. But no one else notices. Not even Ian, who keeps reading Kevin’s letter.
“So tonight, the first bucket list item is all about that. Owning up to the truth, regardless of what’s at stake. Ben’s been awesome, no doubt, and has the fire pit all ready out back for when the sun goes down. You guys are going to have drunk s’mores by the fire. I want you to play Truth or Dare and have fun, like we did when we were teenagers, breaking all the rules and having fun. Only this time… Emphasize this part, Ian. I mean it. You need to emphasize this. There will be alcohol . For everyone except whichever of the wives is currently knocked up.”
“Ha.” Remy claps his hands together. “We’re gonna buy all the lottery tickets. He’s a fuckin’ genius.”
“And to Remy or Linc, whichever one of you is talking about buying a lottery ticket, sit the hell down, man. You’re embarrassing yourself. Unless you get one that has the wives’ birthday day of the month on it. I have a feeling that’s a lucky one.”
Ian stops then, setting the pieces of paper down. I hadn’t realized there is more than one. Not until he gets them all bundled together and put back in the envelope.
I didn’t even know what to expect when he started reading the damn thing, but to have to wipe my face from all the tears that won’t seem to stop, that was right up there at the top of the list.
The feelings I’m currently having, my heart racing against my ribs and the heat I feel in my veins while I think about how it’s my fault I’m in the situation I am.
“His letter tells you what I’ve got,” Ben says into the silence. “There’s a ton of little bottles of alcohol on the back deck in my Yeti along with some virgin drinks for anyone who can’t have alcohol, and all the fixins for s’mores. That’s the first item on his bucket list. He wants you all to have a night to remember.”
“Do we have to play Truth or Dare or can we skip that?” Poppy’s voice is the only one to pipe up, but she is asking the important question, so every eye is on her and Ben, waiting for an answer.
“Let’s just play Dare or Dare,” I offer. “I think Kevin’s bared enough truths in the past week to set us all up for a hot minute. And I mean, it could be fun, after all.”
“Good plan,” Parker says with a smile. “I’ll keep track since that’s the only fun I get to have.”
“Damn right, woman.” Remy rubs her stomach lovingly.
I stare at the envelope sitting on the table in front of Ian and think about the words Kevin wrote months before. “Maybe we should buy a lottery ticket, too. You know, just in case.”