20. Chloe
20
CHLOE
How can I possibly go back to Birch Harbor and work and just pretend that my entire life hasn’t changed over the course of a few days?
I can’t.
When I finally unlock the front door of my house and step into the living room, Ian isn’t with me. Since everyone drove together on the way down, I rode with the girls back to Birch Harbor. I can’t figure out if I’m thankful for his absence or not, and my feelings are too complicated to figure out at the drop of a hat. I just know that I miss him. I miss the smell of him on my pillows. I miss the way he knows when I need a glass of wine, or a back rub, or for him to just hold my hand.
Idly, I lift the shirt I stole from him first thing in the morning and unashamedly inhale the lingering scent of his cologne.
On the shelf in the middle of the living room, Kevin’s flag stands out in a stark reminder of what I left behind on the trip to Sebago. Selfishly, I expect to feel a sharp pain in my chest when I look at it. I want to feel the knife of doubt slide into my heart, making me question everything that happened. Then I’ll be able to feel something other than happiness.
Yes, I miss my brother.
Yes, I feel his absence like a missing limb.
But I can’t bring him back.
I can’t drag him out of the underworld.
I can live, though, and think of him.
I can smile and laugh and remember the times that he was there with me.
I can move on.
Kevin would probably be standing there, laughing at me for ever thinking that I can’t do any of this without him. After all, he was the one to hold my hand and guide me out of the darkness after our parents died. He’s the one who reminded me of what I have to live for.
“Asshole,” I mutter affectionately to the flag.
Like he really is standing next to me, I hear him laugh.
About time.
Silence, for the first time in a week, fills the air around me, and I realize that I haven’t been able to hear myself think since we left for Sebago. The silence, more than being alone, terrifies me for reasons I can’t understand. I like being alone, thrive on it. Except I don’t want the silence anymore. I want the noise I’ve had for the last week. I want to be surrounded by friends.
I walk through the house, expecting to see Kennedy and Linc arguing over a game of cards. Or Parker stuffing her face and accusing Remy of calling her fat, even though she is pregnant, which he’d deny vehemently because he’d never call his wife fat. Then I’d find Emma and Dom cooking in the kitchen, flirting like they hadn’t seen each other in a month after they were practically glued to each other’s side. Everyone would be trying to hide the fact that we’d be staring at whatever interaction went on between Poppy and Logan, who still won’t admit to her how he feels.
I try turning the TV on for company, but it isn’t the same, so I pick up my phone and send a mass text.
Chloe: Hey, this is crazy. I feel like I’m missing an arm without you. Do you guys want to come over for a bonfire and dinner tonight? Kids, too.
I don’t expect to get an answer. Honestly, I don’t even know what to expect. Maybe they’re all done with me because Kevin’s list is done. Maybe they’re ready to go back to real life after a week of being around each other. Maybe they hate me. There are so many terrible things going through my head that I know it was a mistake to send the text. I’m not good with rejection, and I just offered them all the chance to do just that.
So when my phone immediately starts dinging with responses, I sit there in shock without looking at it for a few minutes. I finally open it, and tears cloud my vision, making it almost impossible to read the messages.
Kennedy: Hell yeah. Linc forgot to clean out the fridge before we left so we just threw everything out.
Parker: Food and fire? Count us in. Nox said he’s coming so break out the pool for him and Cassie to splash in.
Poppy: Yeah. I’ll bring pajamas, though, ’cause I plan on drinking. Can I stay over?
Emma: I’m already on my way, lol. JK. I’ll head over now. Dom said he’s gonna pick up some Nerf guns since he’s at the store and we’re on the phone. Anyone need anything else?
Kennedy: Beer.
Emma: He’s already got it.
Parker: Ranch Doritos and Nox said he wants orange soda.
Emma: Got it.
Chloe: I’ll put in the order for dinner. What do we want?
Kennedy: Tacos.
Parker: Tacos.
Emma: Tacos.
Poppy: Pizza.
Chloe: So Pizza and tacos. Perfect.
Kennedy: See you soon.
Parker: I gotta pee, then on my way.
Emma: Pulling in now.
Poppy: Be there soon.
With a smile on my face, I call Ian rather than send him a text.
“Hey, what’s up?” he grunts, sounding like maybe he’s busy working out.
“I don’t wanna bother you,” I hedge, feeling ridiculously shy for no reason. “But I wanted to invite you over. For dinner and a fire with everyone.”
Ian grunts again, and I hear someone talking in the background. He doesn’t answer for a second, and then all of a sudden everything goes quiet.
“Hey.” His voice drops a few octaves. “I’m at the store with Dom. I was just picking up a few things since we’ve been gone for a week. I thought you might want some fresh food, and then I was gonna invade the house anyway. You don’t have to be shy with me, Chloe. You never have to. Nothing’s gonna change.”
My cheeks flush at his words, even if he isn’t there to see it. Just like always, Ian knows about my insecurities without me even being able to admit it.
“Okay.” It is all I can manage for a brief moment. “Are you staying?”
“I told you.” His response comes soothingly through the other end of the line. “I want you every day for the rest of my life. I’m staying.”
“Okay. Poppy’s spending the night, too.”
Ian chuckles in response. “Logan’s gonna have thoughts about that, I’m sure.”
Dom calls his name in the background, and Ian shifts again, letting the noise of the store behind him filter back through the line.
“I’ll see you soon.” He pulls the phone away from his mouth. “Love you.”
And the disconnected line goes dead in my ear. Instead of feeling a little let down at the abrupt end to the call, I stand there, smiling at my phone in the kitchen until the doorbell rings out front a few seconds later.
“ Hurry up ,” Emma calls through the door. “I have to pee and I held it the whole way here.”
Forgetting that I locked the door, I rush to open it for a panic-filled Emma, who pushes past me toward the downstairs bathroom.
“Sorry, girl,” she says with a whimper and a wobble to her step. “I think I’m gonna pee myself.”
Normally, I may think she is exaggerating or something, but the look of pure panic she has makes me think maybe she isn’t.
Instead of worrying about her, I focus on cleaning up a little bit. Although, there’s not much to clean since I’ve been living like a ghost of myself since the funeral.
“How do you spell relief?” she asks almost five minutes later after she washes her hands in the kitchen sink. “ P - E - E .” Her sigh hilariously fills the space between us. “I seriously didn’t think I had to pee that much, and then it hit me when I got out of the car. It was bad. You don’t even know.”
“You’re right,” I say with a laugh. “I have absolutely no idea how it feels to pee myself as an adult.”
Emma shakes her head and takes a seat at the kitchen counter, pulling one of the bar stools out to plop down on. “Can’t stand the silence now that we’re home, huh?”
When my eyebrows hit my hairline in surprise, she just shrugs. “Trust me, I’m the same way. I got so used to living on my own before Dom that I didn’t even realize what I was missing. Then he was there, constantly in my space. When we split for a little while during my academy days, I thought I would go crazy when I was alone. I actually missed the way he complained when I was sitting on the living room floor folding laundry at one point.” She taps the counter. “I imagine it’s a lot worse for you. You and Ian lived together for how long?”
“Since I graduated high school, pretty much,” I admit. “It’s been like six years.”
“Yeah.” Emma grins. “I bet the silence is almost deafening now that you’ve had time to process… you know.”
I don’t even think about lying or keeping the truth back. There isn’t any reason to. She’d see right through it anyway. Over the last week I feel like I’ve gotten to know her and the others better than I ever did before.
“I was trying to do laundry earlier, and I kept picturing what everyone would be doing in the house. Like you and Dom cooking and a bloodthirsty game of cards.”
Emma snorts. “Yeah, between Linc and Kennedy for sure.” The smile falls off her face for a second, and the moment grows serious. “You know that we’ve got your back, right? You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“I know.” A rock settles in my throat, making it impossible to take a deep enough breath or to say anything without my chest aching from the exertion it may take to say anything else.
We sit there. Well, Emma sits there. I stand there in silence for a few minutes. I think it may be uncomfortable, but it isn’t. Instead, her presence is the most comforting thing I’ve encountered in a long time.
“Honey, I’m home.”
I didn’t even hear the front door open, and then Ian and Dom are walking into the kitchen with more than a dozen bags between the two of them.
“What’s all that?” I ask after Ian presses a soft kiss to my lips without dropping the bags.
“We had to get plenty of Nerf guns. A war is brewing.” Dom speaks like the end of the world is coming, and I don’t even know how to react to the level of dramatics that he is bringing to the table.
Ian shakes his head and starts to unload their purchases. “Apparently, Nox told Dom that he’s a better shot than Dom is. Dom took offense, and that got Remy and Linc involved. Which I guess makes sense. But then they had to drag me and Ben into it. Then Logan took offense to being left out. So now we’re going to war.” When I don’t say anything, he eyes me up and down. “All of us.”
“I volunteer for Emma’s team,” I say without missing a beat.
We all know how good of a shot she is. Emma’s answering snicker and Dom’s groan make it hard to keep a straight face.
“What?” I bat my eyes. “I’m assuming it’s Nox and the girls against the guys?”
“You all plus Logan.” Ian pulls a handful of guns out of the bags and starts to peel off the packaging. “He decided that Dom’s insult by not including him means that he’s switching sides.”
“Yeah, right,” Dom grunts. “He just wants an excuse not to have to shoot Poppy.”
Emma pauses, a slow and evil smile taking over her face. “You mean you want to shoot me, Dom?”
Dom freezes, realizing too late the mistake he’s made. “I didn’t say that, Em.” He drops the Nerf gun in his hand and moves to stand in front of her. “I know you’re a deadshot. That’s not in doubt here, bonita . But Nox questioned my skill and prowess as a sniper. I gotta show the kid who’s boss.”
“He’s seven.”
Nox comes barreling into the house, a malicious grin on his face and the biggest Nerf gun I’ve ever seen in his hands. “I’m gonna get you, Uncle Dom.”
The gun he’s holding is bigger than he is, has a scope on it, and I can see Nox carrying extra clips designed to hold Nerf bullets in it.
A little blond girl marches in right next to him, with blue eyes that look remarkably like Emma’s.
“Isn’t that right, Bee?” Nox turns to her with an impish smile, and she pulls a smaller Nerf gun from behind her back. One that looks remarkably like a rifle. A smaller version of Nox’s, and she has what looks like purple sharpie all over it, clearly decorating and marking it with her style.
“It is.” Her quiet voice fills the air with more confidence than I’ve ever felt in my life, and I have the strangest feeling the two of them are going to wreak havoc out on the field, and in our lives.
Ian’s sister Bria walks in behind the little girl, carrying a backpack full of supplies, and smiles at me across the room.
My heart aches at the thought that I almost lost her friendship along with my relationship after everything.
Looking around as the adults start to bicker and the children start to plan their revenge with the help of Logan and Bria, who have a detailed map in front of them of my backyard, the ache in my chest vanishes.
This.
It is everything I missed in the silence.
As Parker and Remy come in, with their daughter Cassie in Remy’s arms, followed by the rest of our friends, I feel a familiar tug at my heart. One I thought died the day Kevin died.
Family.
“It’s so much more than blood that keeps us bound together,” Ian whispers into my ear as the house fills with chaos and destruction.
“The only one missing is Kevin.”