Chapter 13 Lissa #3
“I’m sorry,” he said, wiping them away and kissing her again. He stroked her hair. “Go back to sleep, sweetheart.” His voice was soothing, and his hands were gentle as she drifted back to sleep.
***
When Lissa awoke, the fire was low. She yawned and stretched, her arms bare in the cool air. She sat up and glanced beside her. Cam wasn’t in bed, his side flat and cold. Her gaze flew to the empty couch. He wasn’t there either.
Her hand rose to her chest and then covered her mouth.
His pack and boots were gone.
A tight band circled her chest, squeezing so she couldn’t breathe.
The dam broke, and she sobbed great, wracking sobs that stabbed.
She curled up in a ball, unable to stop crying.
She’d pull herself together later, but right now she couldn’t.
Despite meeting someone intelligent and kind, with whom she felt comfortable being herself, she was once more alone.
Some time later, she fell asleep again, exhausted and heartbroken.
When Lissa woke the next time, her fire was extinguished, and her windowless room was almost pitch black.
She shivered, missing the heat. She draped a blanket from the bed around her as she rose to throw wood on the coals.
As much as she’d like to wallow longer, she needed to move past Cam’s departure.
She hadn’t been trying to change his mind, and at least she had fresh memories.
Her only regret was not asking him to return when he could.
The embers had crumbled to dust and were almost gone.
It took several minutes of gentle blowing and a handful of kindling to coax the fire to catch.
At last, tiny golden flames licked along the edges of the dry wood.
She added more logs, building it up. When the blaze steadily burned, she heated water for a proper bath.
She was sore, inside and out, her body and her heart aching.
Once the fire was dealt with, she took a deep breath and at last paid attention to her surroundings.
Cam had left his blue T-shirt folded on the table, his battered copy of The Fellowship of the Ring, and a note. Lifting his shirt, she inhaled his spicy scent. Her hands shook when she picked up the paper. At first, the words blurred, but she swiped at her escaping tears.
Lissa,
It’s wrong of me to leave this way. I know it, and yet I must. Perhaps you think me a coward. Perhaps I was just sparing us both additional heartbreak. I promised I would go home, and you never pushed or asked me to stay because you understood I couldn’t. Thank you.
Thank you also for looking after me while my ankle healed.
I have no doubt that without you, I would have died.
For that alone, I am forever in your debt.
I’m grateful for everything you did for me, a total stranger.
I can never repay your kindness for allowing me to live here.
I was lucky enough to get to know you and fall in love, and I think you might love me too.
I hope you care enough to forgive me for leaving without saying goodbye.
If I had to speak to you after what we shared last night, I would have stayed and felt guilty forever. But now is not our time. I have unfinished business at xTerra.
Right before I left, my mother called me a traitor and said she wanted to cast me out, that I was dead to her.
You’ve heard some of that before. She wasn’t an easy parent, and I deserved better than her harsh words.
I let her words drive me away. I need to face her, if only to stand up to her and tell her how I feel.
I also worry about what the Slains may be up to this winter. Just before I left, I allowed a family to enter xTerra and join our community. They were previously subjugated by the Slains, and it has weighed on me that there may be repercussions for their escape.
I need to be sure my choices did not spark the war that seems inevitable. I couldn’t live with myself if my actions cause harm, especially when I’m not there to help defend my community. When I joined the Watch, I made a promise, and I need to see it through.
I’m leaving a map to xTerra on the back of this letter. If you need me, you’ll know how to find me, even if the distance between us is enough to be dangerous. Show the map to the gate guards and ask for Cam Montgomery. Someone will find me.
Last but not least, you need to know that if I can, I hope to return someday. I would live here with you in a heartbeat and cherish you as you deserve.
You matter to me, and I’m sorry I can’t stay. Be safe and know you are loved.
Yours,
Cam
Lissa’s first instinct was to crumple the paper and toss it in the fire, but she resisted the impulse and reread the letter.
She couldn’t help but admit Cam’s leaving was easier this way.
He’d been brave for both of them, though she wished she’d known that was his plan, so it had not been a shock.
But he was also courageous. He believed in returning to xTerra to fulfill his vow and to set his mother straight.
Part of her wanted to follow, force this to be their time, but she couldn’t. She had to let him go.
If they were fortunate, maybe he’d find his way back.