20. Chapter 20
Chapter 20
Jamison
“H ell, yeah. You can stop by anytime,” I said aloud after I answered Lilly’s text and pocketed my phone.
“Who can stop by, Daddy? And why did you say a bad word?” Darcie asked as she skipped into the kitchen with her hand out.
I really needed to watch my language. It seemed like she was always in listening range. “Lilly asked if it was okay if she and Madeline stopped by with pizza.” I pulled a dollar out of my wallet and handed it to Darcie.
She grabbed it from my hand and jumped up and down, the smile on her face priceless. “Yay, Madeline’s coming over.”
I chuckled. “Do you get that excited when I come home?”
“Oh, please, Daddy. You’re always home. I never get a chance to miss you.” She gave me a hug. But I wasn’t quite sure if her comment was a good thing or not.
“Well, why don’t you run into the living room and straighten up, then check your room. I’m sure you girls will want to play after we eat.”
“Yes, sir.” She ran, or skipped, I’m not really sure what it was called, toward the living room, and Becca bounded after her, excited and ready for fun as usual.
I loaded the dishwasher, gave the counters a once-over with a paper towel and spray cleaner, and grabbed the small vacuum to get rid of Becca’s dog hair. Lilly was just here two days ago. I didn’t want her to think I couldn’t keep my house clean at all.
Two days ago—Tuesday, and our talk last night.
I dropped my hands on the counter and shook my head. After last night, I wasn’t sure what was going on between us or if she really only wanted to be friends, but I’d give her time and space if it’s what she wanted. Memories of her soft skin and her body beneath mine filled my mind. I hung my head . I had sex with Lilly. My chest tightened in a knot, and it became hard to breathe. The first person I’ve slept with since Carly.
I couldn’t decide what bothered me the most. Lilly not being Carly, Lilly needing time, or that she didn’t want me as much as I wanted her.
My eyes stung as that last bit sank in—she didn’t want me as much as I wanted her. My heart tore from my chest. “God, Carly, I’m sorry,” I whispered. “It was supposed to be you and me against the world forever, but . . .” I dug my hands into my eyes to push the tears back. My answer scared the shit out of me, but I couldn’t fall apart. Not now. Lilly would be here any minute.
“Shit.” Guilt tore through my gut. I never thought I’d have feelings for anyone else. I never thought I’d have reason to.
A FaceTime notification interrupted my thoughts. It was Thursday night, so it would be Rowan. I wanted to ignore it but couldn’t. When he had a chance to call, I needed to take it, and his voice would help.
“Hey, bro.” Rowan’s face filled my screen, and a smile filled my face. My baby brother and I had always been close.
“Hey.” I hoped my smile didn’t seem fake and he couldn’t see how red I was sure my eyes were. “You look good, little brother.” It was true. He did look good. His dark hair was cut in the high and tight style of the infantry, and he looked happy as usual. “It’s good to see your face.”
He didn’t know how true that statement was. I’d told him about Lilly and me years ago. Lilly didn’t know I told him, but I had to confide in someone, and he was the one I knew I could trust. He was the only one.
“I’d like to say the same thing about you, but I’m not sure that would be true. Talk to me, bro.”
Damn, maybe I shouldn’t have taken the call. I should have known I couldn’t keep this from him. He knew me too well, but I could sure as hell try. I shook my head. “Nothing to talk about.”
“Bullshit. Your eyes are red. You’ve been upset. You’ve never been able to hide shit from me.”
That was the truth, and I’d never had a reason to. Rowan might have been the baby of the family, but he was always the laid back and focused one, totally opposite of Bryson’s need to be loud and busy constantly. Rowan had followed in my footsteps when it came to football, and there was no better therapy than throwing the football and talking in the backyard.
I bit on my lips. Should I tell him anything, nothing, or everything? I decided on something, yet I’d keep it G-rated. “I’m just confused. That’s all.”
“About Lilly?” His eyes didn’t move from the screen.
“Fuck,” I breathed. “What do you know?” I stared right back.
“Not much, and I wasn’t sure if there was anything, but you just confirmed it.”
“Shit. Fuck.” I looked around the doorframe and listened hard. I could hear Darcie making a little noise upstairs. Good, she didn’t hear me. “Who’ve you been talking with?”
“Summer, of course. She told me she saw Lilly at Shear Perfection today, and Lilly didn’t deny something was going on between you two. She didn’t confirm it either, so thank you, bro.”
I shook my head. Nothing else to do.
“Summer was right. Don’t you dare tell her. Keep this between us. Please?” Yes, I begged.
He put his hand up. “Fine. Whatever the hell you want. But what’s going on?”
“Look, it’s complicated. We don’t even know what’s going on, but I can’t deny I feel something for her.”
“How does she feel?”
I shrugged. This wasn’t the time to go into the conversation last night, and now she was coming over. It was difficult enough for me to comprehend. “It doesn’t matter.”
I heard Rowan sigh. “Jame, Look at the phone.”
I looked at him.
He stared back and shook his head. “You feel guilty, don’t you?”
“Damn, Rowan.” I plopped my ass in a chair at the table, propped the phone against the small vase sitting in the center, and dropped my face in my hands.
“You don’t need to feel guilty.” His voice was softer. “Carly’s gone, bro, and has been for over two years.”
“It was two years, only two weeks ago.” I looked into the camera. “It hasn’t been long enough.”
“Jamison, stop. You and Lilly had feelings for each other all those years ago. It didn’t work. You both found other people.” He put his palms up. “Maybe you both needed that time to grow up, and now’s your time.”
“Who are you, and what did you do with my little brother? When did you become a philosopher?”
“Just had time to do the same thing—grow up. Promise me, you’ll try to be happy. You deserve it.”
“God, now you sound like Bryson.”
“Damn, he’s not such a dumbass after all.”
Those two never got along, and then Bryson started dating Darlene, and we found out the hard way that Rowan had always had a crush on her. That was the last straw in their struggling brother relationship; then all hell broke loose when our father died. “You two have got to get over yourselves. It’s not fair to Mom.”
“Whatever. It’s not like Bryson and I ever got along.”
There was a knock on the door, and Darcie came racing down the steps and let out a high-pitched scream.
“What the hell is she so excited about?”
“Her new BFF is here.”
“Daddy, look! They’re here. Oh, hi, Uncle Rowan. Meet my new friend Madeline.” Darcie grabbed my phone from the table and pointed the screen at Madeline, and Lilly squatted next to her. Great. So much for this staying under wraps.
“Hey, Rowan,” Lilly said.
“Hey, Lilly. Hey there, Madeline. Nice to meet you.” I heard Rowan’s voice across the room. I breathed in deep through my nose and took the pizza boxes from Lilly. She smiled at me, but I turned and placed the boxes on the stove. Just the sight of her made my blood race through my veins and heat my body through.
Darcie started to head off through the house with Madeline and my phone, but I grabbed it from her. “Time to eat. Say bye to your uncle, and both of you go sit down.”
“Bye, Uncle Rowan.” Darcie blew him a kiss, and Madeline waved.
I turned the phone to me. “Okay, bro. I gotta go.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you do. Where’s Lilly?” She came over next to me, and her presence filled me. Her vanilla and strawberry shampoo caused my boiling blood to pool in my crotch.
“Bye, Rowan,” Lilly said as she leaned into me.
“Bye, Lilly.” He chuckled. “You two kids be good.” And he disconnected the call.
Her face scrunched up. “What did he mean by that?”
I gave a small shrug, made a quick adjustment, placed pizza on plates for the girls, and got bottles of water out of the fridge.
Once the girls were eating, I led Lilly into the dining room. We could eat there.
“You okay? If this was a bad night, all you had to do was say so.” Lilly sat and took a bite of pizza.
It seemed as if all of this made sense to her. I wish it were that easy. “Rowan called and asked about us.”
Her eyes went wide, and her chin fell to her chest. “How did he find out about us ?”
“Did Summer say anything to you today?”
“Shoot.” She put her pizza on the plate. “I’m sorry. I didn’t say anything directly, but I went by the salon to pick up Maddy, and your mother came in and gave me the third degree. When I went to pay Summer, she told me she could tell there was something to all the talk around town.”
“What talk around town? And why did my mother give you the third degree? About what?”
Lilly filled me in on the discussion at the salon and how she’d tried her best to keep the women in the dark. Summer, on the other hand, wasn’t so easy to convince. “I guess she called Rowan?”
“Of course she did. Those two are worse than girls. They tell each other everything, and I let it slip that there is something.”
“What?” She looked at me. “What did he say about it?” Her head tilted to the side.
“It wasn’t hard for him to believe. I told him about us before. He knew about us back then.”
“Seriously?” Her mouth dropped open.
“When he called, I was upset.” I grabbed her hand, and she didn’t pull away. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said last night, and you’re right. You just got out of a marriage. I’m still getting over Carly, but I can’t ignore what’s between us.”
She squeezed my hand and met my gaze. My heart was a mess of feelings, and I couldn’t decide if it was good or not.
She said, “I know I didn’t make much sense. I’m over Anthony. We never had a real marriage, and I don’t even know if he ever truly loved me. You, on the other hand, had Carly, and you two were so good together.” Her voice caught, and she pulled her hand from my grasp and picked at her pizza crust. “I didn’t know her well. I just met her a couple times when you brought her home from college and then at your dad’s funeral. And those times, I never paid her much attention because I was so jealous of her.”
“What? Even all those years later at Dad’s funeral?”
She nodded; her lips pursed. “Especially then. My marriage was in the garbage. Anthony and I hardly talked when he was home. I was just an ornament he could have on his arm for company events—when they were in the city.” Her gaze went toward the ceiling, and a shadow crossed her eyes.
I tried hard to comprehend this. My father died over five years ago, and she was miserable back then?
Lance knew something was up. She was quiet and left without saying goodbye to everyone—me included.
She breathed out hard, and the shadow was gone, but another look filled her gaze—sadness? She breathed out a heavy breath. “I was with Rose and Kora in your mom’s living room when Carly told them she was pregnant. No one else knew. I don’t know what I was hoping, what I thought would happen between you and me, but I finally knew then that we were over, and it tore my heart to pieces.” She laughed under her breath. “I should have known that way before then, but my marriage was shit, and I . . . It doesn’t matter.” She sighed.
“Lilly, I know I should have talked to you about my feelings for Carly, but I remember thinking if I ignored it, things would go back to normal with us. Then you met Anthony and seemed happy and in love. I’m sorry. For everything. For how I treated you. For how things ended with us. But I won’t be sorry for Carly.”
“I know.” Her eyes glistened, and she met my gaze. Her voice thick. “I don’t expect you to.” She covered her face with her hands, then laced them behind her neck. “We’ve both been through so much, and that’s why I think we need to slow things down. I don’t want us to mess things up and lose our friendship. I need to make sure these feelings between us are—I don’t know—real? Not remnants from our past. But today I needed to come see you. I’m sorry. This is so confusing. I really need to figure out my shit.”
God, I did, too. I wanted to figure this out, but I didn’t have a chance to tell her because we got interrupted by two bubbly girls who wanted to watch Moana .
“I’ve got an idea,” I said to the girls as Lilly entered the living room with a bowl of popcorn. “What do you think about having a sleepover and you two watching this movie upstairs in my bed?”
Madeline’s eyes were wide. “Can I, Mommy?” And she pressed her hands together like she was praying and pushed out her bottom lip. She turned to Darcie, who mimicked her. There was no way Lilly would be able to resist those faces. Okay, I couldn’t resist those faces. Lilly—maybe.
Lilly laughed. A sweet, bubbly laugh, which sent my blood roaring. “If Jamison doesn’t mind, it’s fine with me.”
“Let’s go get you two settled.” I took the bowl of popcorn and followed the two galloping girls. “Don’t go anywhere. I want you here when I get back.” I spoke in Lilly’s ear and gave her a wink as I passed her. “I won’t be long.”