14. Pain
Chapter fourteen
Pain
Charlie
I’ve never felt anything like this. Pain, like my chest is being ripped open and my heart is being torn into shreds. I’m sinking to the floor without realising, my stomach doing the same, my lungs constricting like a vice, making me gasp for air. I knew it would hurt, but this is unbearable.
How did I let this happen?
It’s what I expected. What I knew would happen? Isn’t it? I knew he was saying goodbye to me last night.
The necklace… I clutch onto it, like a lifeline connecting me to him. There are people all around me, looking at me, and then there’s Leon. I can’t hear them. I barely register they are there.
I let the walls around my guarded heart fall and crash. He did that; he made me believe. He made me have hope. I’m angry at him for that. He made me think I could. Hope , that’s what makes it hurt so much more. I had hope that we could have been something.
The next thing I know, I’m in Leon's arms being carried upstairs to my apartment and being placed on the sofa. My fingers brush the soft fabric of the very seat I lay next to Owen on while we had our first actual conversation. One that didn’t revolve around what he wanted to do to me. Easy, like we had known each other for a long time. I’m not sure how long I sit with Leon, but he breaks the silence first.
“Charlie?” I don’t look at him. I’m not sure I can. I just bury my head deeper into his chest.
Why did he leave?
“I’m sorry he did this to you. I know it means nothing to you, but I know how he felt about you. This situation with Millie. Well, it’s taken its toll on him. I want you to understand, this isn’t anything you have done. Not even close.”
I’m listening.
My voice comes out calm and even. “I never thought it was… but if it’s not me, then help me understand. Because right now I… I just don’t.”
He lets out a grunt before he continues. “Before we left the army and built our company, something happened that devastated us all. Me, Cole, and Ethan, but especially Owen. We each have our stories from the few days of hell we went through, but Owen took what happened personally. We lost six of our closest friends and brothers in those few days. They all died, and we had to watch.” There’s so much grief in his eyes as he speaks. “There was nothing we could have done. We made it out when others didn’t. It’s his story to tell, but it’s affected him ever since. What happened with Millie triggered him after what we went through.”
I’m staring at Leon, confused. I’m not sure I understand why this would make him leave me. As if he can read my mind, he pulls a note from his back pocket, holding it just out of reach.
“When I arrived at the office today, I knew he’d gone. Me and the boys have already started looking for him. Cole has taken the lead on tracking him, but he’s in the wind. He’s gone to clear his head, get himself straight. I should have seen the signs sooner and for that, I’m sorry. I thought he was dealing with it all okay.” Leon shakes his head. “He left this.”
I need to sort my head out. I can’t keep her safe. If I'm around, things go wrong. You won’t find me, although I know you’ll try. I’ll be back. I just don't know when. Until then, it’s all yours. Look after her for me.
~ O
He left because he thinks he needs to keep me safe and he thinks he can’t. I don’t know what he needs to keep me safe from. I’ve never felt safer when I was in his arms. But apparently, having him around, I’m not safe. Where is the logic in that? I don’t need saving, I never have done. My brothers made sure of that, took me to every kind of MMA class, event, or tournament they could. And I never stopped.
Owen could have kept my feelings and heart safe, but he left and tore them to shreds. Now, I don't feel safe with him gone. How stupid is that? How could he be so… heartless with me, my feelings… everything?
Why can’t men be more open with their feelings? Be honest.
He doesn't know me well, or at all, if he thinks that I can’t look after myself. With everything he found out about me from his stupid ‘system’, I thought he would have found out this about me. It’s something I have always done. I can look after myself. My brothers made sure I could when I took the career I did and they left for the army. They made sure I would be strong and resilient. I’ve made them proud.
Owen, he left for me. Even if I don't understand fully, I can’t make it make sense, and that makes this so much worse than what Andy did. He could have just talked to me. We could have had something, but he thinks he is protecting me by leaving. I’m glad Leon told me, but the hurt and the pain is unbearable.
I need to get a grip; I need to show Leon that it’s nothing. What we had, it was nothing. I need to believe it . It’s the only way I can… I don’t know, survive this. I don’t think he’s coming back. And if he does, it won’t be for me, it will be for his business, his brothers in arms.
What's six weeks between two people? Nothing, apparently.
Although, he left for me .
Leon’s told me what he could, all the things he knows. I believe he’s telling me the truth. Standing abruptly, I leave Leon on the sofa, as I go to my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I change into a pair of shorts and a sports top as quickly as I can, grabbing my hoodie on the way out.
“Can you take me to the gym?” I ask. I don’t trust myself to drive right now.
“Are you sure? We can talk about it if you want. I’m here for you, Charlie.” I can’t take the kindness in his eyes. It’s too much.
“I don’t know you well enough to talk to you about this shit. I just need a lift.” I’m being a bitch, I know I am. “If you don’t want to, I’ll ask one of the builders downstairs, I’m sure they’ll be more than willing to take me.”
“I said I would. Let’s go.” he’s fucking smiling. “I think we’re gonna be great friends, Charlie. I can see why Owen was hooked on you.” Glaring at him for a split second, I refocus. It’s not his fault, and I need to make sure I remember that. He came to me, told me what he knows. Putting on my trainers, I walk to the kitchen, I fill my water bottle and head for the door.
I need this.
I need a release on the punch bag. I need my fists to connect with flesh; I need the release only fighting can give me.
I don’t speak a word, putting the address in his GPS. I just look out the window, avoiding Leon’s gaze.
Pulling up outside the huge grey warehouse, it’s a little rough around the edges, but inside is a whole different story, with a black shutter for a door giving the only hint to what could be inside.
Opening the door and stepping out of the car, Leon's eyes lock with mine before climbing out. He types out a message on his phone as I walk in. He must like the response, smirking, his eyes brightening just a little. He heads in, taking the lead and walking ahead of me. He’s sussing the place out. His eyes roam over the huge space, filled with the best boxing and gym equipment money can buy.
My brothers and Alexander did good with this place and I can’t wait for them to be home so they can run it. I’d smile, but I don’t want to as it only makes me miss them more.
I can feel the buzz already, the anticipation, and the relief I know will come once I’ve unleashed this tension.
Stepping up to the punch bag, with no warm up, I let rip. Focus, fight. My fists mash into the bag, each one bringing me closer to the release I need. Every kick lays me bare and brings it all to the surface. Knowing Leon’s watching my every move just makes me go harder.
When a guy asks me to spar with him, I nod and get into the boxing ring. Leon swipes a hand over his face, watching intensely from the side.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing what I do best. Something Owen should have stayed to learn about me.”
“Okay, um… shout if you need me.”
“I won’t, but I appreciate it.”
I’d laugh, but it just seems to not be there right now. Securing my gloves, I stand in my corner.
This is what I love, this is what got me through so many bad times. I need this like I need air sometimes.
The guy steps forward. He’s cocky. His eyes move over me, a clear smirk on his face. He’s about my height and maybe weighs a little more than me. Lunging forward, he aims for my face with a right hook. In my peripheral, Leon takes an instinctive step forward. As I jab the guy in the ribs, I swipe his legs and watch him start to topple. Adding a fierce kick to his ribs, he goes over.
“Fucking hell,” Leon gasps from the side. Helping the guy up, he smiles at me. We punch gloves, it’s like shaking hands for boxers. I think he may like that he’s found a worthy opponent in me.
We take our corners again and this time he gets a punch in on the left side of my ribs. Grabbing his arm, I flip him over, smashing him onto the mat with a loud thud, pinning him with my knees.
“I’m done,” I announce an hour and a half later and I head toward the showers.
“I’ll meet you by the door. I need to speak with Shelly,” he adds and walks towards where she’s working on reception.
Walking through the corridor, after my shower, my body now hurts along with my heart. It was enough to distract me for a little while, but it will distract me every time I move for the next few days. I’ll jump back into training. I need something else if I’m going to survive this.
Slipping outside while Leon fills out forms for all the guys on his team. I make a call to Simon, telling him I’ll come back and work for him on this case. Shutting off the call just as Leon walks back outside, I slip my phone back into my pocket.