10. Catholic Guilt #2
What were the odds she’d even want to speak to me?
No…no, I can’t. I can’t. It’s still too soon, too raw. All I can think of is the way she yelled at me, the way she cast me out of her life, all the times she chose Brent over me when I begged to be seen by her—
She’s almost out the door. I’m going to lose sight of her. Panic explodes inside of me.
I practically jump out of my chair. “Kay? Kay!”
Karina’s head snaps around and she stops near the revolving doors. Her eyes widen like a deer caught in headlights and before I know it, my legs are moving and I’m closing the distance between us.
“Thanks.” The word practically bursts from my lips.
She stares at me. Confused or alarmed, I can’t tell.
“For being there. Last month.”
“Oh…you’re welcome.”
I can’t help myself. Once I start speaking, I can’t stop. “Why didn’t you come in to see me? I didn’t even know you were there. Why didn’t you say anything? And why is your hair so long? You hate long hair.”
The old Karina would’ve been self-conscious about a comment like that.
She would’ve run her fingers through her hair and yelled at me for being rude and said something about people being able to do whatever they want with their physical appearance.
Instead, she barely acknowledges it. It feels a little like defeat.
“I didn’t think you wanted to see me.”
I didn’t. I still don’t. Maybe…
Her brows furrow slightly. “How long have you been sitting here?”
I say, “Four hours. I think. I don’t know. My phone died and I had to borrow a charger from the nervous wreck over there wearing headphones and a beanie.”
I point to the kid who helped me earlier and she nearly smiles.
“I was just about to go get something to eat,” she says. “There’s a diner on 73rd Street.”
I wring my hands. Consider my options. “Do they have really big sprinkle cookies?”
Karina laughs. “Yes, Dahlia. They have really big sprinkle cookies.”
* * *
Lunch with my cousin is more awkward than I thought it would be.
Karina orders a Caesar salad and I get tomato soup with a grilled cheese but the edges aren’t as buttery and crispy as when Alejandro makes it for me. Having a boyfriend who likes to cook in his free time really does have me spoiled. Nothing tastes as good anymore.
We haven’t said a word to each other since we got here.
The waiter came, brought us water, took our orders, and then came back fifteen minutes later with our food.
Should I break the silence or wait for her to do it?
What do we even have to say to each other?
I can’t help but wonder if we made a mistake in letting too much time pass and now the bridge that once connected us is rotting underwater. There’s no salvaging it.
Karina lowers her fork and says, “Are we just going to stare at each other?”
“No. We’re going to stare at each other and eat.”
She sighs and pushes her bowl away. “I’m not hungry anymore.”
“Well, I am.” I take a gluttonous bite of my subpar grilled cheese to avoid speaking any further.
“I’m assuming you want to talk. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.” She watches me swirl a spoon around in my soup. “How are you healing?”
“Fine. Doctor says if I take extra care I won’t scar.”
I’m not sure how much she knows about what happened. I’m assuming someone told her it was a gunshot?
“Did they catch the guy who did it?” she asks. “The mugger from the park?”
Ah, so that’s the story they went with.
I shrug. “No. Police say it’s unlikely. It was dark and there are no security cameras in the park.”
She nods slowly before asking, “Are you upset we were there?”
I look up from my plate. “We?”
“Your dad and me.”
The spoon slips from my grasp. “My—” I choke on my own saliva. “He was there?”
“How else do you think they were able to operate on you? He’s your father. Legally, he’s the only one who can make medical decisions for you.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Where is he now?”
“In PR staying with Titi Wanda. She bought a house and he’s helping her renovate it.”
Both my father and Karina were in the hospital that night and neither of them actually went to see me after I woke up from surgery.
I can’t decide whether I’m furious, grateful, hurt, or all three.
My feelings toward my father and cousin are probably the most convoluted because they’re the two most complicated relationships in my life.
Right now, I can’t deal with my father. I barely have the capacity to unpack all I’m feeling toward Karina.
“Don’t be upset with Alejandro and Lyss. They did the right thing.”
“Lying to me?”
“Protecting you,” she corrects. “I’m sure they would’ve mentioned it eventually. Less than six weeks after you almost die from a gunshot wound probably isn’t ideal timing.”
God, I really don’t want to be mad at Alejandro right now.
After a year of being at odds we finally patched things up a few days ago and now all I want to do is ring him by the neck for keeping this from me.
Lyss is also on thin ice but I expect this kind of thing from her.
She’s the peacekeeper, the one who brings balance and harmony to our lives.
A problem solver and a crisis negotiator.
The girl can’t help herself. Alejandro on the other hand has a history of keeping things from me and having it all blow up in his face.
He should know better by now. He’s had days to tell me and he didn’t and now I feel blindsided by all this new information.
“That man…” I grumble as I stab my lumpy soup with my spoon. Who makes lumpy tomato soup? “I’m gonna kill him later.”
“I’m glad you guys are still going strong. He was a wreck that night but he held it together.” She offers a reassuring smile. “He loves you very much.”
“Yes, well, he’s still getting an earful from me regardless.”
Conversation dies out after that. The waiter returns to clear our plates and just when I think our awkward lunch together is over, she orders a coffee and a muffin and I order a slice of cake anda large sprinkle cookie.
We split the cake and the muffin but not the cookie because it tastes stale and dry.
“So.” I bite into a piece of muffin. “How’s Brent?”
“I’m surprised you didn’t ask earlier.”
“I had to work my way up to it.”
She pours sugar into her cup. “We separated in the fall.”
If I hadn’t already swallowed, I might’ve choked.
“I’m sure that comes as no surprise to you.”
“I am surprised. Sorry too.”
The sincerity in my voice catches us both off guard but I really do mean it. Marriage and a family has always meant so much to Karina and she thought she found happily ever after with Brent.
“Yes, well…” She tosses the empty sugar packets aside. “It is what it is.”
“How did that happen?” I ask.
Her hand stills before she drops her spoon abruptly and sterling silver clatters against a plain, porcelain saucer. “Why did you never tell me about Yulissa?”
Fuck.
I always knew this secret was going to come back and bite me in the ass. I hate that that day is today.
“I begged you to stop going out with him. Constantly, if you remember. I wasn’t doing it because I was jealous or because I was afraid he was going to steal you away from me.
I did it because he was an asshole in college and I thought you deserved better.
But my disapproval didn’t matter. You were enamored by him and I thought maybe you saw something in him that I didn’t. For your sake, I tolerated him.”
I wrap my fingers around the teacup for warmth. “For a while, I hoped it was a phase. When you guys went on a break and were broken up for months, I really thought it was over. And then somehow, you guys came back strong than before.”
“When did you start suspecting him and Yulissa?” she asks.
“A little after you guys got back together. At first, I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. Brent was always warm and friendly with our family so I didn’t think anything of it at first.” I recall.
“There were stolen glances, whispered conversations, moments where the two of them would both be missing from the room and then reappear at the same time. No smoking gun but there was always a gut feeling.”
She shakes her head. “I still don’t understand why you never told me anything.”
“I didn’t think you would believe me.”
“What?” She stares at me as though this revelation devastates her. Like she truly can’t believe it. “Dahlia…of course I would’ve believed you. Why wouldn’t I believe you?”