Twenty-Five
Anika
I slept dreamlessly now. Safe and content and satiated beyond my wildest dreams. Knowing that the second I opened my eyes I wouldn’t be alone. Or worse, wishing for Vikrant.
It was worth waking up at the break of dawn, for his smiling, stubbled face. And the steaming coffee mug he unfailingly handed me the second I woke up.
The alarm rang, loud and insistent, and I murmured sleepily. I blinked as the lights in the room were turned on all at once.
There was no Vikrant in the room.
A wild panic struck my heart. Reminiscent of the days without him. Alone and aching.
I sat up with a jerk, his name on my lips. I spied him on the balcony. Dressed in pants and an untucked shirt. His stethoscope still sticking out of his pants pocket.
‘Hey.’ I slipped out of bed and practically ran toward him. I slid my arms around his chest and rested my racing head against his back. ‘What happened?’
‘Neelima went into labor. I had the the mid-wife help with the delivery. Didn’t want to wake you.’
‘Oh, that’s wonderful.’ I was genuinely pleased. ‘I hope it was a boy.’
‘It was.’
He didn’t turn around to look at me or even touch me in anyway. In my sleepy daze, I didn’t comprehend the short words, the stiffness of his stance. I was just glad I’d not woken up alone and without him.
‘Thank God! You know, her in-laws are the reason why the government banned sex determination.’ I bit off a curse word. ‘Sexist pigs.’
‘They aren’t the only one,’ Vikrant muttered, shrugging my hands away in an abrupt gesture.
I frowned, turned Vikrant around. The brooding look was back – eyes shuttered, face closed and a muscle ticking in his jaw. Worst of all, he shook off my touch, when he’d told me only last night that he couldn’t get enough of it.
‘What’s wrong?’
His face closed up even more. ‘Nothing.’
‘Vikrant,’ I said quietly. ‘Talk to me. Don’t do this again. Please. Don’t shut me out.’
Vikrant took a deep, shuddering breath. ‘You want to know what’s wrong?’ He handed me my phone. ‘Your dad called.’
I sighed, took the phone from him. It stung that he wouldn’t even allow our palms to touch. ‘Yeah, I’ve been avoiding his calls for the last three days.’
I remembered the first time he’d called. The night Vikrant and I… ‘What does he want now?’
Vikrant smiled, mirthlessly. ‘He wants to know what the fuck kind of hold I have over you that you can’t leave me even after divorcing me.’
***
I sucked in a breath. ‘Vik, I…’
‘Actually, he spent the first five minutes giving me the rundown of your many, many accomplishments in the last eleven months,’ Vikrant continued tonelessly.
‘Then he told me he was thinking of heading the cardio department in your hospital just so he could make sure I’d never set foot in those doors again. Then, he asked me what the fuck kind of hold I have over you.’
I closed my eyes as shame trickled over my insides like acid. ‘I’m so sorr y , Vik…’
‘My mom is ignorant and incredibly sheltered,’ he cut me off. ‘She doesn’t know how the world operates. And she’s never had to deal with someone like you.’ He looked me up and down like I turned tricks in Kamathipura, the sex worker district in Mumbai.
It hurt . The contempt and the judgment .
‘But when I came back and told her, exactly, what kind of woman her daughter-in-law was, she tried to understand you. To respect your choices, Anika.’
I swallowed back bitter tears. It was true, every word coming from Vikrant’s mouth was true. Neither of Vikrant’s parents had asked me, even once over the last few days, to stay back and take charge of home and the kitchen while Vikrant worked.
In fact, just yesterday, Vikrant’s mom had packed sandwiches for both of us in matching Tupperware boxes.
She might have had problems with me once upon a time, but her actions showed how much she had changed.
‘Your father never liked me. And I could live with that. I am the man who took his baby girl away, even though she wouldn’t even take my last name. Or wear a goddamn symbol of our relationship. But he doesn’t respect me or acknowledge the choices I made. And that I can’t tolerate anymore.’ Vikrant turned away, gripping the balcony railing tightly.
***
I made to touch his taut back but knew he’d shrug it off.
The knowledge hurt, as surely as his words did. Words I had brought upon myself for believing things could be different this time. For fucking hopin g they would be.
So, for the sake of that hope. I tried to talk to him. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and not react aggressively like I always did.
‘I’m sorry, Vikrant. I should have spoken to Dad when he called the first time,’ I admitted quietly. ‘But I haven’t been on speaking terms with him for the last one year, since we broke up.’
‘Why?’ He threw at me sarcastically. ‘I thought he’d be rejoicing in doctor hell for successfully decoupling his daughter from the silly, small-town GP.’
I flinched. Because that’s exactly what my father always referred to Vikrant as. And it was so laughably untrue now that I’d actually seen firsthand how capable he was. How fucking good .
‘I don’t know,’ I answered softly. ‘I haven’t spoken to him in a year. Whatever problems you and I had, and God knows, we had our share, my father did not get to judge us over it.’
He made a huffing sound, as if he didn’t believe me.
‘But he didn’t judge you, Vikrant,’ I continued in a low voice. ‘It was me. He judged me . Found me lacking in every single aspect of being his child. His only child. I was supposed to go into cardio, like him. I defied him because I wasn’t smart enough. Competitive enough.’ I gave him a wobbly smile he did not return.
‘So, if he knows of any of my accomplishments, it’s probably because he spoke to Dr. D’Souza. Not because I told him of them.’
Vikrant turned his face a little toward me. He still didn’t speak.
‘My father doesn’t respect m e , Vikrant,’ I ended baldly. The truth showing up in a bleak little light that left my heart hollow. ‘So, how could he respect the man I married? One who got to where he was with nothing more than his own guts and determination?’ I sighed.
I gave a sad chuckle, all the more poignant because it compressed the quiet of the night. ‘You know, the weird thing is, I always envied your tight relationship with your folks. Even though it meant you picked them over me, I was glad your father wasn’t a narcissist with adulterous tendencies. That your mom ruled her home with an iron fist, instead of drowning herself in antidepressants and kitty parties.’
‘You at least had each other, always.’ I shrugged. ‘My parents screwed around and screwed each other over and only remembered me to parade me around at Diwali parties. I was nothing more than an accessory to them. Something inanimate.”
Now he turned to fully look at me.
‘So, my father isn’t proud of me , and he never will be,’ I said softly, the words brutal for being God’s honest truth. ‘He just wants to put you down because you never cared to bow down to him.’
Vikrant was conflicted. His words a serious mutter. ‘You never bowed down to him either. You’ve accomplished every single fucking thing on your own. You did your MD while I couldn’t do mine,’ he told me gruffly.
‘You didn’t think that a year ago when you accused me of being a soulless monster who only wanted you for a quick fuck. You judged me as much as he did.’
***
He swallowed.
And I felt awful for bringing up the past like this. But it was time to do it.
‘These last few days with you…they’ve been amazing. So special.’ Tears rolled relentlessly down, so much so I turned to face the balcony and the cool breeze of the night instead of the man who wouldn’t love me like I badly wanted him to.
‘But they are not us.’ The night wind carried my words, my love away. ‘Who we are, in real life, are two people who can’t make a relationship work because we are just too different. Too opposite to each other.’ I gave him a soft, broken smile.
‘So, don’t let my father diminish you, Vikrant. What you’ve done here is nothing short of amazing. Living here, taking care of your parents, this hospital which is wor k …you’ve done more in thirty years than most people would in their lifetimes, Vikrant.’ I wiped hot tears coming down my cheeks.
He looked bludgeoned. ‘Anika…’
I shrugged, got the tears under control. ‘If it’s okay with you, I’ll leave tomorrow instead of day after. You can tell your folks I have a medical emergency or something. They’ll believe it.’
‘But why?’
‘This i s you r life, Vikrant. I have to go back to mine. Because much as I’d like to stay here and assist you with everyday medicine it is not my heart’s joy. I’m sorry for what my father said to you. He’s never loved anyone but himself and his scalpel. He doesn’t know that I…’ I swallowed and sniffed some more. I will always love you even if we never work out.
I shook my head. ‘It doesn’t matter now. I’ll just go tomorrow. You can do the visarjan, the idol immersion without me, right?’
‘Yes,’ he answered instantly. ‘But I was thinking we could…’ His eyes pleaded with mine. A reminder of all the times we’d been stuck in this toxic loop of accusations and regret.
‘What? Get back together?’ I shook my head. ‘One phone call from my father was enough to derail all the trust we’ve built, Vikrant. We aren’t enough. Our love isn’t enough.’
He looked devastated. But he didn’t protest. He didn’t say I was wrong. Because Vikrant was also learning boundaries and healthy communication. And that meant knowing when to keep his mouth shut because the other person was right.
I mustered up the last bit of my pride, walked two steps and leaned up to kiss Vikrant on his cheek. ‘Don’t change who you are. Not for anyone. Not even me. Okay?’
Then I ran to the bathroom before I broke down further, my humiliation complete.
Oh, how naive I was. To think Vikrant and I were ever going to make it. We were too different, our families complete opposites, which meant our value systems were different too.
And you could change what you were all you wanted, but your basic self, remained the same.
I came from a line of selfish, consuming overachievers, Vikrant from a family of givers, compassionate, empathetic people. The twain couldn’t really meet.
It was better to leave now before the damage became unsurvivable.
Yes, it was better to leave now.