Twenty-Eight
Anika
The ride to Aronda Lake went through Market Street and the less posh neighborhoods of the small town. I remembered my earlier scornful words back at the hospital when I saw the scraggly lawns with the old and torn clothes flapping on the clotheslines. The half-finished houses with tin roofs and chimneys. The children playing with each other or sitting on smart phones in the baking hot sun.
The women, old and young, who stared at us both with wide eyes and gave shy smiles when Vikrant called out hellos to them in native Konkani.
I’ve seen the houses in Aronda. None of them are poor… How little I knew of this town and its way of life. How quickly I’d made assumptions about the place colored by my own bitterness and negative perception.
I was an unfeeling, privileged idiot .
And Vikrant had said nothing in defense when I berated him in front of our friends and colleagues. I was a pathetic, petty idiot .
Finally, we cleared the town and ended up at Aronda Lake, a beautiful and still expanse of water with the hot afternoon sun shimmering in its waves. It had a small bridge to go from one shore to the other, that looked like it was built during colonial times. And knowing Aronda’s history, it probably was.
The whole scene was very Bollywood meets small town, complete with the lush foliage growing at the edges with flowers of all kinds blooming in summer glory.
‘This is beautiful,’ I commented as Vikrant parked the bike on the bridge end and stacked my bags on the bike seat.
I immediately walked to the middle of the bridge and looked down at the sparkling waters of the lake. It was still now; the rains having stopped for the last day. But tomorrow, the shore would be full of families immersing their idols, songs blaring loudly from portable speakers and people dancing like demons.
But that was tomorrow.
Today, it was a placid lake with the sun shining on it as far as the eye could see. An Instagrammable location.
‘Not like you are,’ Vikrant said, as he joined me.
‘Flattery will get you nowhere, buddy.’ I leaned on my elbows, against the bridge railing. ‘I’m glad you showed me your favorite place in town, Vik. I would have hated to miss it.’
‘I like coming here the day before the immersion, visarjan, when it’s still clean and pure and somehow…mine, you know.’
I nodded, my hair whipping over my cheeks with the wind. The air smelled faintly of fish and fresh river water.
***
Vikrant
Daring greatly, I touched Anika’s hand and gripped her palm. She gave me a wary glance but didn’t tug it away. I took courage from it.
‘Your father is proud of you, Anika. I could hear it in his voice...all the stuff you’ve done, like it’s a credit to him. When it is all you. It’s always been you.’
Her hand went limp. I twined our fingers together and continued talking rapidly, ‘And the stupid, small truth is…I wanted to be proud of everything you’ve done. Except, I was jealous too. You managed working and studying, all of it so well while I struggled. And that made me angry and bitter. So, when this opportunity came, to succeed at something different without having to worry about the MD exam, I took it. I’m sorry, Anika. I really am.’
She gave me a startled glance.
I felt so much lighter confessing the petty truth to her. My love demanded it. I was ashamed of the way I’d made her feel. So small and worthless because she was better at a hard thing than I was.
‘I don’t know why you ever came back here…but I am grateful for it. With all my desperate heart I am. I did not deserve it then and now, after this week, I am aware of how much I don’t deserve your generosity.’ I squeezed her hand. ‘How you let me inside you again. All the way in.’
Tears filled her lovely eyes. Arrows pricking my desperate heart.
‘You hurt me so much, Vik.’ She kept her voice level. But her eyes glistened. ‘I spent a year being hurt. Wondering if I could have been someone else…someone who wasn’t as driven, as ambitious. Maybe then you’d have stayed. You’d have chosen me.’
My heart broke at her broken words. Pain leaking through the even syllables.
‘Anika…’ I closed my eyes. And said the first words I needed to say to her. ‘I didn’t choose my parents over you. I chose myself, my own dreams. I just never realized that is what they were.’
Her face crumpled. ‘I…’
I touched her cheeks then, wanting to offer her some comfort. Some support when we had this long-due conversation. ‘And I shouldn’t have said those things about your dad. I’m sorry about that too. Will you forgive me for it all? If not today, then some day?’
Tears streamed down her face. I wiped them away and ended by kissing her limping fingers.
‘Vikrant, I don’t understand. What do you want?’
I took a ragged breath. Even though hope, that fickle bastard, sneaked into her teary eyes. And exploded in my own broken heart.
‘I was going to ask you to stay, you know,’ I began slowly. ‘I had this whole speech planned, about how we could both change the face of Aronda medicine forever. Have babies and raise them in the house that’s yours if it is what you want. And that could be our happily ever after.’
Her eyes went huge. ‘What are you saying?’
I extracted a sheaf of papers from the back of my pants. They were our divorce papers. ‘I didn’t sign them. I couldn’t.’
‘I…’ Anika bit her lip even though joy shone brighter in her. Brighter than the afternoon sun bouncing off the still waters of the lake.
‘So, I had this whole speech planned where you were going to give up everything just because I finally became flexible and made room for you in my life. And this.’ I waved the papers away and they fluttered into the lake. ‘Was going to be my grand romantic gesture.’
‘ Oh.’ She laughed, a wobbly little sound and rose up on her toes, hope lighting up her whole face. Like she was the damn sun.
‘What’s stopping you, then?’ she asked.
I was stunned, amazed, humbled that she’d forgiven me. Just like that. Was considering to love me all over again. Her love was the thing mountains were made of. Strong, eternal. Everlasting. I would learn to deserve it all my life.
‘I am.’ I paused her progress and looked at her very seriously. ‘I’m not going to ask you to move here for me. And we’re definitely not staying with either of our parents, although we will take care of them. They’ve raised us and we are fucking awesome, so we owe it to them to make them feel safe and comfortable in their golden years.’
‘But…how are we going to do all that?’ Confusion caused a shadow to fall on her sunshine radiance.
‘I’m getting to that. Can I muddle through this declaration on my own, Ani?’ But I wasn’t mad about her bossy ways. I loved her bossy ways now that I could boss her back. In bed and out of it.
‘Can you hurry up and get to the end already?’ She demanded, winding her arms around my neck.
‘First, I’m going to ask you for time. Time for us to figure this out.’ I gestured to the air between us. ‘Without interference from either of our parents or the hospital, your career or mine. Your dreams or mine. And make the right choice for us. With our hearts. Wherever and whatever that maybe. Will you do that?’
‘I will. As long as you promise to share what you’re feeling with me,’ she answered instantly. ‘I…if you’re bitter or resentful or jealous, you have to tell me. And I’ll tell you if I’m feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated. Deal?’
‘Yes. We are going to communicate all the time. Even…’ I leaned down and whispered a filthy, creative demand in her ears. They turned an adorable shade of red and she hid her face in my shoulder, my brave and sexy wife.
Then, she peeked up. Mischievous and somehow mine.
‘Why should I?’ She rose and bit me on the nose. A little hard. ‘You made me suffer so much.’
‘Because I love you,’ I answered promptly. ‘Only you. And I’ll love you even if you say no to me. That’s how much I love you.’
She closed her eyes. Swallowed hard. Once. As if the words, the confession was too much. Everything.
My heart hammered in triple time. Waiting…hoping…
‘You don’t love me half as much as I love you,’ Anika whispered, tears gliding free down her golden eyes. ‘Idiot. I should make you suffer right back.’
‘But you won’t.’ I squeezed her hip, arrogantly. ‘You like the benefits of me loving you too much.’
Anika shook her head but didn’t refute my bold claim.
I felt relief and love and a thousand other emotions move through me. I lifted Anika up by the waist, swinging her around. Gave free voice to the whoop in my chest.
I whooped .
And Anika laughed. ‘Put me down, Vik. You’re not Iron Man to carry me around like this without dropping me.’
‘That’s okay, honey.’ I brought her down excruciatingly slowly, smiling like I’d won the lottery. And I had. I held the world’s wealth in my arms. ‘I’m a doctor. Saving people is my chosen calling.’
‘It’s not.’ She disagreed, kissing each corner of my lips, now that she had the freedom to do so. Now that she knew she was loved back. ‘It’s loving me.’
And because I was a smart man, I kept my mouth shut and just kissed her back.
***
When I let her go, she looped her arms around my neck and held on. ‘About our current situation…I have an idea, if you’re okay to listen?’
‘Do I have to right this minute? I’d rather make out with you on my bike? Isn’t that one of your fantasies?’ I teased her, joy and love healing all the cracks in my heart. Sealing it into something stronger, more resilient and unbroken than it had been. A golden seal on a never-ending love.
‘After,’ she promised. ‘The hospital…it’s everything you worked hard for, Vik. I wouldn’t ask you to give it up for me. It’s not fair. As much as you asking me to move here and give up my surgeon dreams.’
‘I know.’ I kissed her red nose. ‘I know, Anika…’
‘But we could give up half our dreams for a little bit?’ she said softly. ‘I’ll move here for the next few months or however long it takes, get a rotation in the nearest city hospital. Keep my hands on the scalpel, so to speak. While your dad recuperates and gets back on his feet fully. In the meantime, you could look to advertising for a partner to run the practice for when you move to the city with me?’
I was stunned. ‘You’d do that? For me?’
She nodded and brushed a stray tear away. ‘I’d do anything for you, Vikrant Pandit. And just for the record, I’m not asking you to leave Aronda completely behind. We can commute between the two places. As much as we can. And if your parents are comfortable and willing later on, we could rent them a place near our apartment so we can keep an eye on them and give them their independence too.’
The solution was simple, thoughtful. It gave everyone what they wanted without losing too much of themselves. I was stunned to not think of it before.
‘And if it doesn’t work, we will figure something else out. Together,’ Anika said softly. Confidently.
My eyes glistened, went red. Emotions overflowing from a full and undeserving heart. ‘I don’t deserve you.’ The words were fierce. A vow against her pink lips. ‘I am going to keep you anyway, Anika Chakraborty.’
‘Anika Chakraborty-Pandit,’ she corrected me. ‘I’m Anika Chakraborty-Pandit.’
‘I’m yours.’ I lowered my forehead to hers. ‘My heart is yours, Ani. It’s yours for all time.’ My voice shook with the force of emotion, love and hope and a happy ever after that was just beginning. ‘If you leave me again, you’ll just have to pack it up and take it with you. Because it’s useless without you.’
‘I’ll kill you before I go through this trauma again. Got it?’
‘Dying would be a kindness than living without you, sweetheart.’ My reply was completely heartfelt.
She sniffled. ‘Don’t make me cry anymore, idiot. I look ugly when I cry. You know that.’
‘You’re the prettiest woman on the planet.’ I swung her around and she screamed in shock. ‘The solar system. The entire fucking universe. This whole galaxy and all the billions of others…’
She shut my hyperbole up with her lips. And swallowed the words of love and affection and promises to keep inside her forever. I hoped she knew I meant everything I said. And always would.
Behind us, Aronda Lake glistened majestically, awaiting immersion of yet another year’s Ganpati Bappa murtis. But, for now, it bore witness to two people who had braved everything to be together. To choose each other.
Because no other love would do for us.