7. Little Acorns
SEVEN
LITTLE ACORNS
MILA
“You look livelier than most.” Helana’s cheer fills the room, waking me from my nap.
She’s got her hair in pigtails, a sucker in her mouth, and a smile that’s far too large for her face. Her mood is a little too bright for me, but I welcome the positive spirits today.
“Than most?”
“ECT, right? Joy said you were in procedure this morning, and usually that’s ECT.”
“You’ve had it before?” I ask her.
My roommate shakes her head. “No, but I see it often.”
“See what often?” I question, fluffing my pillows back to volume.
She chuckles. “Yeah, that memory burn will get you. The head shocks are great for wiping out something you don’t wanna remember, though.” She takes the sucker out of her mouth to point it at me and wink simultaneously.
“You’ve had it done before?” I ask her.
She rolls her eyes. “I just said no, but during my last tour around this bitch, I had a roommate who was going through it too. She had already done a few dozen treatments months prior, and she was coming in for what she called maintenance.”
“Maintenance?” I parrot the word as if it somehow puts me there, in the girl’s body, in her head, trying to understand why anyone would opt to do this to themselves. I shake my head. “I don’t remember agreeing to this.”
Her expression drops to something sad. “I’m sorry it’s so hard. I hope it’s giving you some relief, though.”
I shrug. “Maybe it is. Half the problem is, I don’t know what I was seeking relief from.”
Helana chuckles. “You’ll give yourself a headache trying to find out. Come join me in the common space. My parents dropped off a board game earlier in the week, and I’m trying to get a peek at the new guy. I heard they were transferring him down tonight.”
I frown. “New guy?”
“I heard Dr. V talking to the orderlies about it. Something about muzzling him because he was getting bitey with the staff upstairs.”
“Sounds hot.” I feed into her antics.
Helana is easy to get along with, so I don’t go out of my way to be unpleasant. I don’t know how long my time here will be, but until Demetri comes to get me, I know I’m stuck making the best of this situation.
My brain scatters over his name, buzzing with a feeling of something forgotten I can’t quite place.
“I think I wrote it down.” I start searching my room for it, remembering what Nurse Joy said about scribbling even the most mundane of thoughts on the days of treatment so I could use them as a tether back to my frame of mind.
“You’re doing it again.” Helana swings her feet back and forth, laying belly down on her bed and flipping through a magazine. “Keeping half the thoughts in your head and then saying the rest out loud like I’m supposed to know.”
She blinks a few times, but I don’t know how to respond.
“I’m not a psychic,” she reminds me.
“Right.” I exhale, but by the time I’m ready to explain myself, I realize the boat has fully drifted from the dock with the tide, my thoughts long gone with it. “What were we doing?”
She grins big. “Playing my new board game. You were getting your slippers.”
“Right.” I nod, looking under the bed and finding my asylum-issued, depression-approved house slippers.
They’re nothing special: tan on the outside to resemble suede, which it definitely isn’t, the fur inside polyester. It’s warm enough, though, and keeps the cold linoleum flooring from reaching my bones through these thin socks.
At least the socks don’t slide. Fancy little grips are kind of useful.
“You already put them on,” my roommate reminds me just as I start to get flustered.
“Oh, haha. Yeah.” I scratch my head. “This sucks.”
“You can tell them to stop if it doesn’t feel good,” she assures me.
I stare, holding an awkward grimace. “I don’t ever actually remember saying I wanted it.” I try to get a full thought from my brain to my mouth, but it doesn’t stay intact before my tongue pushes it through my teeth. “You don’t think they would do it like that, do you?”
Helana blows air through her lips in a noisy manner. “That is one loaded question, and I’m not sure I can answer it without compromising my own sanity along the way. Let’s go play before we miss Doctor Bitey.”
I frown. “Doctor? I thought you said he was a patient.” I know my memory is shoddy at best right now, but I’m willing to flip through my log of conversations to double check this one.
“He is! I heard them say he’s a doctor too, though. I don’t care what his job is. I’m just trying to see if he’s my future ex-husband.” She laughs, her smile contagious, filling the room with joy.
I shake my head, laughing along with her. “I don’t know if this is where I’d want to meet my soulmate.”
She gives me a look reeking of disbelief. “Who said anything about soulmates? I’m just trying to bounce on it a little.”
“Here? With these bed checks?” I follow her out of our bedroom.
Helana shrugs her shoulders. “Desperate times, desperate measures.”
I crack an honest smile. “Well, just make sure to schedule it after I’ve taken my sleepy meds.”
“You got it, boss.”
I’ve become a pro at resource gathering.
I think that’s the point of the game, anyway. I’m not quite sure, but I’m sitting on the board with two towns, a settlement, and a whole buttload of wheat when Helana announces that placing a town on a dock gives you a chance to swap grains for wool.
“Oh, now you say something, you fucking charlatan!” I flip the board game, my pieces going everywhere.
Despite it being completely uncalled for, no one actually reacts to my outrage.
That’s because Doctor Bitey has entered the stage, and all eyes are on the tall specimen of a man walking through the corridor, two orderlies at his side.
His arms are contained in a medical straitjacket, and they’ve strapped a muzzle over his mouth that covers more than half his face.
It reminds me of the movie with the cannibal guy and the “Hello, Clarice.”
I think that’s what it’s called.
Hello, Clarice.
I can’t fucking remember, but I can remember Helana saying he was chomping on some staff digits, and I’m immediately intrigued. He’s tall enough to tower over the men surrounding him, but even more so, he’s built like a tank—solid and strong.
The mask is really doing something to me right until the moment I remember Demetri, and then guilt shames me for having these fuckaroo thoughts.
I drop to the ground and cover my face with my hair to hide from the heat of his stare as he walks by, not allowing myself a true opportunity to examine his face.
I pretend to pick up the board pieces and the rest of the crap I knocked off the table, but everyone’s whispering is loud enough to tell me I’m not the only one having fantasies about Doctor Bitey.
Even with the better portion of his face covered, he’s hot.
I can feel the heat of his presence as he walks past, the orderlies barking instructions at everyone to move out of the way, as if they’re closer to police than healthcare facilitators.
“Move!”
“Out of the way!”
My roommate whispers, “Oh. He’s huge.”
Goosebumps cover my entire body, but still, I focus on picking up the cards instead of turning back.
It’s only when he’s gone from view that the room fills with oxygen, and I can breathe again. Only then do I feel the weight of his aura lift, as if he was somehow suffocating me. I watch him as he moves through the hall toward the men’s dormitories, where the two orderlies follow him into a room.
Helana hops up to stand, grabbing Nurse Joy’s arm. “When does the new guy get to play with us?”
She shakes her head. “It’s doubtful he’ll be allowed out of his dormitory to socialize. Dr. V is still evaluating him. Patient 696 no longer fits the protocol for the fourth floor ward and has been transferred down here, into the main unit.”
Her hands have a slight tremble to them; they clutch at the rosary she keeps in her coat’s pocket, only a few beads peeking out while she fidgets with it. Joy is the youngest-looking nurse here, and, granted, I know nothing about her, but I can easily assume she hasn’t been here long.
“You nervous?” I ask her.
She gives me an awkward smile. “I just wasn’t expecting this kind of…crazy so early on in my training.”
Helana frowns at the sideways insult but doesn’t call her out on it. Instead, she feeds into the vulnerable nurse to extract as much gossip as possible.
“Oh? What kind of crazy?” She bats her eyes, exuding the full it’s just us girls vibe.
“There was so much blood. Fred is in surgery; they’re amputating what’s left of his fingers because the damage was so severe.
It took five security guards to—” She gasps, covering her mouth with her hands.
“I should not be telling you this! Please don’t say anything.
” Her eyes are so big, I feel somewhat bad for her.
“Your secret is safe with us.” My roommate chuckles, tapping the young nurse on the shoulder.
I nod, but I’m not sure I recall what I’m agreeing to.
She’s still flustered, though, and quickly changes the subject. “It’s time for meds anyway. Camila, how is your head?”
I think about the question for a bit longer than I need to, processing the words as I linger in a dissociative moment, analyzing my response. “I don’t know?”
Nurse Joy gives me a soft smile. “I’ll add some acetaminophen to your evening meds.”
“Already?” I whine, the day slipped by so quickly.
“You were in and out a lot. Procedure days are hard on the body and mind; rest is good. Prayer is even better.” She nods reassuringly. “You’ll feel more like yourself again tomorrow.”
I nod, millions of thoughts swarming through my head but never actually anchoring themselves to anything concrete long enough for me to grab and hold on to.
“Let’s crash. Maybe if we can fall asleep before the first bed check, Jeff will have to shake me awake.” Helana winks at me suggestively, as if she’s fully looking forward to a little physical touch, even if it’s just someone tossing her back awake.
I don’t blame her. I’d do anything to rub up against my guy right now.
There’s a sharp pain in my chest, a weight on my hand as I lift it to soothe the ache. I rub my heart with my fist, trying to understand why I feel like this. Doctor Valerian said Demetri hasn’t visited me or even bothered to call. That hurts most of all.
Is that what he said?
My head throbs; I wince from the pain and take a step forward in the line.
I cup my right hand under my left like I’m next to receive communion, extending it out to take my nightly pills.
Jeff winks at me—he’s a butt-ugly orderly with bright yellow teeth.
Creepy little fuck dumps my meds into my hand and pushes a cup of water my way.
“Sweet dreams, princess.” He bats his stubby eyelashes at me.
“Ugh.” Helana says what I’m thinking so I don’t have to voice it. My face says it for me.
I down all six pills in one swallow, regretting it instantly when they get jammed in the back of my throat. I try to swallow the lump down, but the sip of water left in my paper cup isn’t enough.
I’d rather die than ask Jeff for a favor.
Instead, I collect enough saliva in my mouth and rage-walk to my room, pushing through the sharp agony of too many pills in my airway. I’m uncomfortable, the feeling razor sharp, and it makes my skin crawl.
I lunge for my bedside table, twisting the cap off a water bottle and swallowing down my misery. I’m lying on Helana’s bed on my back, slippers still on and bottle still in hand, when she walks in the room.
“Don’t forget to brush your teeth before they kick in. You’re not fun to wake up.” She laughs it off like she doesn’t actually mind the hassle.
Helana is pretty. Too pretty. She’s got perfectly oiled skin even though we’re sleeping on dollar store bedding. It can’t dull out the glow of that rich cassia tone to her skin or how it carries into her irises unless the light is shining on them. Then it’s more like a honey-brown.
I lose my train of thought mid-brush, with no mirror to stare at, just a sink to spit into.
My eyelids are heavy before I’m even horizontal.
It’s less the drugs and more the exhaustion of the day.
My entire body hurts, every muscle tight and sore, as if I’ve run a marathon.
The meds eventually kick in, drowning out everything else, swaying me like a little basket floating downstream in a quiet river.
With a heavy exhale, I release the day and let the heaviness take me.