12. Don’t Hurt Yourself
TWELVE
DON’T HURT YOURSELF
MILA
Wrapping my legs around his hips, I bring him closer to me, erasing any trace of space that ever existed between us. It doesn’t feel real, none of it. Not this place, and certainly not him here with me.
I’ll take the dream for what it is, though. I melt into him, every momentary worry or fear dissipating with each thrust between my legs. It both burns and transforms me. The pain is just a reminder we’re meant to stay together, entangled in one another like this for the rest of our days.
Without him, I am changed for the worse.
“Fuck,” I breathe out with the first full slam of his hips into mine, his thickness filling me up and stretching me completely. “I’ve missed you.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t ever want to feel this way again.”
It dawns on me that he’s carried the weight of it all on his own. A piece of me has withered here, but I can see how it has scarred him.
“Show me,” I tell him. He hesitates at first, narrowing his eyes like he’s unsure I can take it. My tone darkens. “Show me.”
In one move, he flips me over, belly to the mattress and my cheek pushed against the pillow. “Face down, Darkling. I don’t want to look at your face when I fuck all this hatred out of me.”
It’s supposed to be a threat, yet, it does the exact opposite, forcing liquid heat to gush between my legs in anticipation of what’s to come. He keeps his hand on my head, pushing me further into the pillow, as if to keep me from running away.
I lick my lips, staring back at him, waiting for his next move. He grips my hair and then thrusts.
It’s unrelenting.
It’s punishing.
It’s misery and pleasure all the same. It’s both of our hearts breaking and then mending back into one. I can barely breathe, no space left for oxygen between every stroke. They come fast and hard, slamming the top of my head against the headboard and making it knock into the wall.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
The pressure builds in my core, winding and winding and begging to be released.
“God, that’s hot,” a sleepy Helana croaks from her side of the bed. “I never get any fun in here.”
I can’t see her from my position, my head facing the opposite wall. Demetri stays frozen, as if her alertness to the situation somehow impedes his plans.
“Don’t stop,” I urge him on with a whisper. “I don’t care if she sees.”
He growls under his breath, his cock throbbing between my legs, moving so slow now that I can practically feel every vein.
“You’re so thick,” I croak with the remaining oxygen in my lungs.
He lowers down to my ear, keeping his voice hushed so Helana can’t hear. “You’re so fucking tight, Darkling. It feels like the first time again.”
I hum in agreement, butterflies fluttering in my stomach at the thought of our first time and how he tore me apart the same way.
How he picked up the bodies behind me when I was ready to blow my life to smithereens. Here I am again, detonating, and Demetri stays. Constant, loving me despite my damage, despite the darkness that follows me like a crossroads demon.
I’d give my soul for him, and that’s the only truth I need.
“Come for me, Darkling. Scream so we can blow up the lies this place forced down your throat,” he demands, wrecking all my composure in one final stroke that hits every nerve ending all at once.
I seize beneath him, scratching at the sheets, unable to move with him pinning me to the bed, still hammering into me as if he’ll never be fulfilled.
It’s heartache he’s fighting through, the pain of almost losing me.
I drag him down with my orgasm, his thrusts slowing as he pushes into me one final time, emptying himself inside me.
It isn’t the usual euphoric quiet that follows.
My thoughts are a mess. Between Naya making blowjob gestures in the corner of the room, my moaning roommate, and the blood smeared over Harkins’ hands, there’s only mayhem settling.
Helana’s words float through my head. A new kind of normal.
He turns me over again, brushing the sweaty hair from my face. I’m aching to kiss him, pulling at the mask, but the strap doesn’t budge. I fumble with it, feeling around until my hand hits cold metal. “It’s padlocked?”
Demetri laughs under his breath. “Your doctor doesn’t like me very much.”
“You’ve seen Dr. Valerian?” I ask, surprised. All I’ve heard is that Demetri wanted to stay away while I got better.
He frowns. “Who do you think has been keeping me from you?”
The realization hits me so hard and fast, it almost knocks the wind out of me.
“Why?” I ask, knowing damn well Demetri doesn’t have the answers.
Naya responds, filing her nails while sitting on the edge of my mattress. “He’s clearly a bad guy, and you’re going to justify making him your next victim.”
I try to ignore her, but I know she isn’t wrong.
Demetri isn’t affected. “We need to break into his office. There will be files there that can tell us something.”
I nod. “He keeps the meds he gives me during the day there.”
Helana makes a breathy sound like she too just came. I turn my head to see her wrapping herself back in her sheets and turning fully to her side in bed. “It’s no fair you got the hot bitey patient. I called dibs.”
I laugh. “Sorry, he was mine to begin with. Next one is yours, okay?” I promise as if there will be a next time, knowing this is the end for us.
She nods, sleepy and ready to doze off again.
Demetri sits up, and I roll out from under him, grabbing my day slippers and bending over Helana’s bed. I caress the hair out of her face, grateful for everything she’s given me while here, even if it was just a little peace of mind and comfort.
Sometimes, just having a person to hold on to while you’re dangling from the edge of a cliff is everything, even if they aren’t strong enough to pull you up themselves.
I place a kiss on top of her head, and I whisper, “Don’t get out of bed and don’t come out of your room, okay? No matter what you hear.”
She hums an agreement.
“Say it, Helana,” I urge, needing to confirm the understanding.
“I’ll stay in here,” she says. “Let me sleep. Bed checks will be soon.” She swats at me and rolls the other direction, away from me.
I turn to Harkins. “Where’s the key to your mask?” I trip over something in the dark, and that’s when I notice the body, slumped over and bloody in the middle of the room.
He covers my mouth to keep my surprise from waking Helana again, pulling me back so I don’t step in the bloody puddle. “He was a creep.”
I don’t need further explanation.
“How do we get to the office without being seen by the staff?” I ask him.
He turns his head toward me, amusement draping over his features. “There are only three orderlies for the night staff—two now.” He looks back at the body. “Then there’s Nurse Jean and one security guard by the front doors.”
I don’t hide the impressed look on my face. “You’ve done your research.”
Demetri pushes me against the wall as if to kiss me, the bars on his mask pushing into my face. He grabs a handful of my hair, clutching it between his knuckles and pulling. “I’m good at research.”
“That I know, Doctor.” I tease him with the nickname, knowing it drives him wild because nobody else honors the work he’s done for his degree. “What about weapons?”
He winces, tsking to himself like he’s displeased. “There might be some sharp surgical tools in the procedure room, but aside from that, I don’t think we’re working with much.”
I laugh. “Yeah, they took even the string from inside my fucking hoodie. I’ll never be able to get it back in now.”
His mood switches to something more serious. “There are two other orderlies in my room. They’re out for the count from sleep meds, but they have the key to my mask.”
“You get the key, I’ll sneak into Dr. V’s office,” I tell him.
He shakes his head immediately. “I don’t want to split up.”
“Do we have enough time?” I ask.
He hesitates to answer, telling me all I need to know.
“I’ll be okay. I might need to write down on my hand what I’m looking for in case I forget, though.” I give an awkward laugh.
Demetri frowns again, confused, his fingers gently caressing my scalp.
“I’ll be able to process it better once I’m out of here. Something about this place makes you crazy, even when you’re sane.”
“Nobody is sane, Darkling. Some are just better at pretending.” It’s an odd thing to come out of his mouth, but it brings me more comfort than I expect.
“You go first. Handle Jean, and I’ll follow behind and sneak into his office. We’ll meet back in the common room in fifteen,” I suggest.
He nods, appeased at the thought of handling everything in our way, and it’s enough to give me the green light.
“Let’s go a-murdering.” I don the first true smile on my face in days.