Chapter 25
twenty-five
“Are you sure you’re up for this?”
Cordy held in her sigh at Chance’s question. “The doctor said whatever activity I felt up to is fine.”
Dr. Shenoy told Cordy that yesterday at her six-week checkup, “You’re cleared for whatever you want to do,” the doctor said as she washed her hands. “Including in the bedroom.”
Cordy hadn’t quite known what to say to that. She and Chance were sleeping in the same bed each night, but everything was so different now with Madeleine. Neither of them had slept more than three hours at a stretch. Sex sounded good, but Cordy was so exhausted she wasn’t sure she remembered how to do it.
At least she didn’t have to worry about food, cleaning, or laundry. Ruby hadn’t been kidding about the meal train—both of Chance’s freezers were overflowing, and they had given Holden and Rye whatever wouldn’t fit. People dropped by two or three times a day to do chores or hold the baby so Cordy and Chance could get a break. It was overwhelming how many people pitched in without even being asked. If Cordy had any more doubts about being a part of Star Crossed Springs, the past few weeks would have put them to rest.
The Saxons came by every day without fail. Mrs. Saxon hadn’t mentioned Reed’s house again, and Cordy was too overwhelmed to think about moving. Keeping Madeleine alive was more than a full-time job, even with all the help Cordy was getting.
Cordy used to move at the drop of a hat. She could have her entire life packed up and ready to go in an hour. But now, the very thought of packing made her weepy. Not that she had much time to think.
She didn’t want to pack, but she was getting restless. Being inside for so long, confined to the couch or the bed, was messing with Cordy’s head. As soon as Dr. Shenoy said Cordy could do whatever she wanted, she knew exactly where she wanted to go.
“It’s a pretty serious hike,” Chance said from the living room. “I don’t know if the doctor was thinking of something like that.”
“He worries too much about us,” Cordy whispered to Madeleine, who was snuggled under Cordy’s chin in her infant carrier. “I like it, but I need to go on this hike.”
Madeleine stared fascinated at Cordy. Cordy stared right back.
People had told her the baby would become her entire world, but they never mentioned that Cordy would be Madeleine’s whole world. It was amazing, having the little being you loved most utterly infatuated with you. Madeleine could stare at Cordy for hours, and Cordy could stare right back, both completely lost in love.
“What did you say?” Chance asked.
“Nothing.” Cordy kissed Madeleine’s head. “You said it was an easy hike, and we’d take the side-by-side for most of it.”
Silence from Chance.
“I think I out-argued him,” she whispered to the baby. “I’m enjoying this. You should be taking notes for when you’re older.”
Cordy bit her lip. Damn, she kept doing that—assuming that she and Madeleine would be here with Chance forever. She could blame the exhaustion, but really, it was her heart—Cordy loved him and wanted to stay with him. So she kept slipping up.
If only she was still like the old Cordy and could take off without a second thought, no looking back. That would make this break easy.
But she wasn’t. Chance and Madeleine had changed her, and now Cordy would have to break her own heart to leave.
But not yet.
“All right,” Chance grumbled. “I guess we’re going. You ready? Got some water? The doctor said a liter every hour.”
Cordy shook her head, thankful Chance couldn’t see her. He’d gotten that number stuck in his head—“one liter of water per hour”—and hadn’t let go of it. Yes, Cordy was nursing and needed more than usual, but she’d never leave the bathroom if she drank that much. Her poor bladder was already abused enough from the delivery. Every time she sneezed these days, it was like playing Russian roulette—would this be the time her bladder fired off?
“I’ve got water,” she called back to him.
The hike to Lovers’ Cavern wasn’t that far. Cordy did not want to stop to pee every five minutes, so there was no way she was drinking a freaking liter of water. It wasn’t even that hot today.
“Did you get Madeleine's hat?” she asked as she left the kitchen.
“I’ve got her hat, the shade for the baby carrier, and an extra blanket to drape over her if that’s not enough shade.” Chance held up two massively overstuffed bags. “Along with the diaper bag, Iggy’s water bowl, and leash. Oh, and an extra hat for you.”
Cordy looked him up and down. Chance was dressed like he was about to move some cows, not hike up a mountain. “You’re going to wear your boots?”
“Of course I am. They’re comfortable.” He stretched out a leg to admire one. “And I don’t own any other shoes.”
If he could do it in cowboy boots, then Cordy could do it six weeks postpartum.
Iggy bounded out the front door, excited they were finally getting outside. But he had to stop and look back to make sure Madeleine was coming along.
The dog was entirely devoted to Madeleine from the moment she came home. He slept under her bassinet and whined if Madeleine wasn’t within sniffing distance. It was the sweetest thing.
“We’re coming,” Cordy said to him.
Iggy sat in the backseat of the UTV as they loaded up. With each bag that went into the back, Cordy’s good mood dimmed more and more, and doubts started to creep in.
When she’d asked Chance if they could go to Lovers’ Cavern, she wanted to see it—and she’d planned for it to be a test. The place was ground zero for his family legend. If he was in love with her, he’d have to admit it there. And if he wasn’t…
Well, Cordy was at the end of her maternity leave and had a house waiting for her. Seeing Lovers’ Cavern and knowing Chance didn’t love her would give her the push she needed to move on—at least, that had been her sleep-deprived plan.
Coming face-to-face with what she was about to do was rattling her. “Suck it up,” she muttered to herself. “You can’t hide here forever.”
Madeleine burst out crying. Iggy whined and jumped down from the UTV, upset that his baby was upset. By the time Cordy got them both calmed down, Chance was ready to leave.
“Holden wants to see the baby,” Chance said as he climbed into the vehicle. “He can meet us at the trailhead.”
That was unexpected. She couldn’t tell what Chance thought about it. “Are you okay with that?”
Chance shrugged. “He finally figured out that I’m not the father. I think he’s curious. But it’s up to you.”
“I’m okay with it if you are. And it can’t go any worse than the call with my dad.”
Cordy’s father had finally called her back two weeks after Madeleine was born. He’d praised Madeleine for being cute but hadn’t said a word about coming to visit. He seemed more than happy to see the baby through a screen.
As they were finishing the call, Dad said, “You know, she looks a lot like my dad.”
“Really?” Cordy couldn’t remember what her grandfather looked like. She had no pictures of him since Dad always traveled light. “You think so?”
“Yeah.” Dad’s voice got far away. “Funny how that works.”
Cordy leaned forward. “Could you tell me more about him?”
But Dad was already waving goodbye. “Gotta go! Thanks for the update and talk to you soon.”
When the screen went black, Cordy started to cry. Once the baby was here, she thought her dad might care more. She’d been wrong.
Chance had held her as she cried, telling her he was so sorry. He didn’t say that things might change or that her dad would come around. He didn’t tell her comforting lies, which touched her more than she could say. They both knew her dad wasn’t going to change.
Well, it was Dad’s loss. Madeleine was so beautiful and perfect, and he would miss out.
Her mom still hadn’t surfaced in Mongolia. When Cordy had brought it up to Dad, that maybe something was wrong, Dad had waved that off. “She can take care of herself. She’ll show up when she’s ready.”
Cordy’s mom had no idea she was a grandmother. Cordy had never wished her parents were different, but she did then. Damnit, even with all the love and support she was already getting, she wanted her mom.
That night, Quint and Ruby had come over with takeout from The Filler Up. Ruby had cooed over the baby, Quint had actually held Madeleine even though he’d looked uncomfortable, and they’d all watched a movie. Both Cordy and Chance had fallen asleep during the movie, and Ruby and Quint had teased them about it.
It had been a cozy, comfortable night, and it helped her feel better. Cordy wanted to do it again. But once she moved out, that wasn’t likely.
Before Cordy could get sad thinking about it, they were coming up fast on another UTV. Holden sat in the driver’s seat, watching them intently.
Cordy glanced at Chance. His mouth was set, but otherwise, he seemed calm. Even so, she couldn’t shake her unease.
They stopped next to Holden’s UTV. The older man swung down from the seat and walked over to Cordy’s side.
“So this is your baby.” Holden peered into the carrier. His creased face screwed up in concentration.
“Yep.” Cordy held out one of the carrier straps to show off Madeleine. “Isn’t she cute? Aren’t you, baby?”
Madeleine frowned at her from under her white sunhat. Next to them, Chance watched his father the way he would a strange dog, searching for any sign of aggression.
“Isn’t she cute?” Chance demanded when Holden didn’t say anything.
Cordy reached out and touched his forearm. There wasn’t any need to defend Madeleine from his dad, although she understood why Chance was doing it.
Holden ran a rough hand over the baby’s head. “She doesn’t look anything like Chance.”
“Yeah,” Chance drawled, “that’s why she’s cute.” His gunfighter stance eased a bit.
Holden sighed. “I guess she wouldn’t, though.”
Cordy couldn’t tell if Holden was disappointed by that or not. “She looks like Reed to me. Her eyes, her nose—those are his.”
Holden studied Madeleine. “Yeah, I can see that. Reed took after Bob.” He looked up at Cordy. “But she favors you too.” He smiled. “She’s a beautiful baby.”
“Thank you.” Cordy couldn’t help but smile back. “My dad said she looks like his father. My grandfather.”
“Huh. Couldn’t say, never met him.” Holden sounded tired. “Your dad coming to visit?”
“Probably not.” Cordy kept her voice light, but Chance squeezed her shoulder anyway.
“Well, Bob Saxon’s here, so she’s got one grandpa close.”
She held her breath. So Holden didn’t consider himself Madeleine’s grandfather. Beside her, Chance was humming with tension. Did Chance think of himself as Madeleine’s dad? Cordy knew she felt that way but had no idea what was going through Chance’s head. He certainly had done everything a dad would do for Madeleine.
“This baby has a lot of people who love her here.” Chance’s tone was rough. “We need to get going. We don’t want to be out when it gets hot.”
“All right.” Holden gave Madeleine's hair one last caress. “Thanks for letting me meet her. She’s a good baby.”
“It was good to see you,” Cordy said as Holden walked away.
Once they were out of earshot, she asked Chance, “Will he be okay getting back on his own?”
Chance’s face screwed up. But then, he paused. He watched Holden’s side-by-side as it rumbled away, his expression solemn and young all at once.
“He got old,” Chance said, almost to himself. “I didn’t see it until I saw him with Madeleine.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I mean, I know he’s sick. He’s been sick for years. But old…” He shook his head. “He’s old and sick.”
“I’m so sorry.” Cordy wished she could make things different for him. And for Holden.
Chance slung an arm over her shoulders and pulled her and the baby close. “I’ll be fine. It could have gone worse.”
“It wasn’t bad at all. He… he doesn’t seem confused about Reed and Madeleine anymore.”
“A rare moment of clarity.” Chance started the UTV. “He doesn’t have many of those.”
“Did you ever get sick of it? Raising your younger brothers all on your own without his help?”
He stared at her. “Taking care of my brothers is nothing like caring for you and Madeleine. Don’t think I’m worn out or burned out by you two.”
A silly, useless hope filled her chest. “I mean, you already raised two kids on your own.”
“Not really. It wasn’t like Quint and I had these big heart-to-hearts with Lane and Rye about growing up or how to live or any of that. It was more like we were only doing what we could to keep everything together. If Lane and Rye were alive at the end of the day and not in CPS custody, then that was enough. That was all we could do.” Chance reached out and cupped Madeleine's head. “It’s not like that with her. Even with the sleep deprivation.”
That sounded like something a dad would say. Cordy let herself hope that was what it meant.
“She’s pretty awesome.” Cordy kissed Madeleine's head. “But I won’t complain when she starts sleeping longer stretches.”
The rest of the ride was quick, and they were able to drive the side-by-side pretty far up the trail. When Chance pulled it over, Cordy could see the cavern. Only about a fifteen-minute hike should get them there.
The hike wasn’t bad—Cordy was warm but not sweaty, her muscles straining pleasantly instead of painfully. It felt like her body was waking up to something new, discovering how it would be now that she’d given birth. Her abs would feel like this, her hips would feel like that. Things were different, but not bad.
Madeleine fell asleep against her chest, drool leaking from her tiny rosebud mouth. She even gave the cutest snore every so often, which made Chance laugh each time he heard it.
The trail leveled out at the cavern entrance. There were faint footprints in the dust, and brush grew wild over the entrance. The place seemed to breathe secrets, with the old footprints and the brush trying to hide the cavern. No names were carved on this side—this side was only for the Kessals since it bordered their ranch.
Cordy found herself reluctant to breathe too loudly. Chance seemed to feel the same as he pulled aside the overgrown brush. “Here it is,” he said quietly.
Cordy adjusted Madeleine in her carrier, then gestured to Iggy. “Come on.”
Iggy thumped his tail but didn’t move. Instead, he sunk to his belly, his head on his paws. He wasn’t going anywhere.
“All right, but you’re missing out.”
Cordy slowly walked inside the cavern, ducking her head as she passed the entrance.
The cavern itself was much bigger than she expected. The ceiling soared overhead, and there was enough room to fit at least a dozen people. It was cooler than outside, the rock holding a chill without the sun to warm it. But it was surprisingly bright inside, thanks to the bigger entrance on the other side.
It also stank of sulfur, but she was expecting that. Hot springs were always funky places.
“Come to the other side,” Chance said. “That’s where all the names are.”
Cordy gasped when she walked out of the bigger entrance—she could see the entire town from here. She peered down the trail and saw that Chance was right; it would have been much more difficult to come up this side of the mountain.
“It’s something, isn’t it?” Chance’s voice was hushed.
It was. This was the kind of experience Cordy traveled the world for. To see something she never had before.
“Turn around,” Chance urged.
The rock around the cavern entrance was covered with names. Cordy marveled at them. It was a romantic history of the entire town, laid out for all to see. She didn’t think she’d ever seen anything as charming in all her travels. She wondered how old the oldest was. How new the newest was. Who still made the hike together to see their names.
“I’m so glad I saw this.” Cordy rubbed the baby’s back. “I’ll have to take Madeleine up here when she’s older.”
“The big one is inside,” Chance said. “Come see.”
The sulfur smell wasn’t as bad this time. Chance took her hand and led her to one of the far walls.
It took Cordy’s eyes a moment to adjust since it was darker over there.
Ida and Jesse. They were enclosed with a giant heart. Ida’s name was bigger than Jesse’s. Jesse must have carved them there.
Oh my. Cordy felt the weight of those names and Chance’s entire family history like a stone on her chest. She could barely breathe around it.
Love had torn his family apart in so many ways. No wonder he didn’t believe in it.
She couldn’t look at Chance as she stared at Ida and Jesse’s names. If Chance was going to tell her he loved her, it would have been here. Cordy had gambled… and lost.
This place practically thrummed with love and knowing that she loved him when he didn’t feel the same… It hurt so much worse in a place like this.
“That’s them.” Chance’s voice was filled with an emotion she couldn’t name. “The ones who started it all.”
Cordy held tighter to Madeleine. “It’s very moving.” She was proud of how steady her tone was.
“Dakota and Lane used to sneak up here as teenagers, too.” Chance gestured toward one of the smaller caverns off the main one. “They thought they were being quiet about it, but people knew.”
Dakota’s stricken face rose in Cordy’s memory. Don’t tell him I’m here. Dakota seemed just as haunted by their past as Lane was.
Chance continued, “When Lane left, Dad stopped drinking.”
Cordy turned to face him. “Wait, really? That stopped your dad?”
“Yeah. The family almost falling apart, coming this close to losing the ranch, even Quint and me begging him… none of it worked.” Chance’s mouth twisted. “But losing Lane, that finally did it.”
“I’m sorry,” Cordy said. “Sorry that you had to lose your brother for your dad to sober up.”
“Oh, I still talk to him about… twice a year. Saw him in Cheyenne about eight months ago.”
“But you miss him. After all, you raised him.” Cordy held up a hand to stop his protest. “I know you think you didn’t, but you did. So, of course you miss him. What does he do?”
“He’s a stock contractor. Follows the rodeo around.”
“So he’s doing pretty well?”
“He’d say so.”
“And Rye seems well-adjusted.” Cordy felt a bit like she was groping in the dark. What the heck did she know about brothers and whether someone had turned out okay or not? It wasn’t like she had any experience with any of it.
All the Kessal men are messed up in their own way. That’s what Ruby had said. But Cordy wanted to understand for herself.
“Well,” Chance said, “there was the accident, but other than that, Rye’s all right.”
Accident? Had Rye been hurt? “What accident?”
“Oh, this was back in his senior year of high school. He went to a party with some friends, and on the way home, he crashed the car.”
That… that sounded nothing like Rye. Quiet, steady Rye, who probably never went over the speed limit. “Had he been drinking?”
Before, she wouldn’t have dared ask Chance that. But Chance had held her as she’d brought her baby into this world—and she was in love with him—so she asked what she wanted now. Cordy might not have much time left to do it.
Chance shook his head. “He swore up and down no, and the sheriff did a blood alcohol check. He was sober. We got him off with probation and some community service.”
Oh boy, a lot was lurking behind that one sentence. Chance and Quint must have been out of their minds with worry for their brother. And they must have worked their asses off to get that kind of a deal for him.
But Chance hid all that like usual.
“Was he or his friends hurt?” Cordy asked.
“Not him, not his friend. But Liberty spent a week in the hospital. She was banged up pretty bad.”
Cordy’s mouth fell open. “Wait, Liberty Liberty? From the Donut Palace?” Good Lord, this story had more twists than a soap opera.
“Yep.”
Chance had told her everyone in this town was connected, but it still surprised her. “I had no idea. I guess she ended up okay?”
“She did, but things were awkward between all of us for a while. They still are between her and Rye.”
“I bet. Who was the other kid in the car with them?”
“Liberty’s boyfriend, Erik. He moved away—he’s at Harvard.”
Cordy bit her lip to keep from smiling. “You don’t like him?”
Chance snorted. “Was I that obvious?”
“You curled your lip like this”—she showed him—“when you said Harvard. So maybe you just don’t like Harvard.”
He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “I don’t care about Harvard one way or the other. Erik was an okay kid, I suppose, but he acted like he was doing Rye a favor by being his friend. Like Erik was so smart and gonna do big things, and he was taking pity on Rye.” Chance rubbed his chin. “I guess that was true, though, ‘cause he’s at Harvard.”
Oh, hell no, she wasn’t going to let that stand. “I’ve met a lot of people in this world,” Cordy said, “and the ones I’ve met who went to Harvard aren’t any better or worse than anyone else. And Rye is one of the best people I know.”
“Well, there you go.” Chance flashed a smile at her. “He turned out pretty good then.”
“Thanks to you.”
It turned out that Chance had been a dad all along, which explained why he’d taken to it with Madeleine so well. Not that he would ever admit it.
It only made Cordy love him more.
Chance ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck. He looked toward the names carved in the wall, then seemed to gather himself.
Cordy’s heart went sideways. He looked like he was wrestling with something. Something big.
She was paralyzed with fear and hope. Maybe she hadn’t bet and lost. Maybe he was about to say those words…