23. Mary
Mary
‘Why is four o’clock in the morning the best time for food?’ Cam asked.
I snorted a little. ‘It might have something to do with the sexertion beforehand.’
Cam took a sip of wine and sat back in his chair at the kitchen dining table, regarding me over the detritus of the empty plates of the most delicious pasta leftovers I’d ever eaten. If I did say so myself.
‘Sexertion. I like that word. I think it’s my new favourite exercise.’
I held up my glass of wine in a salute. ‘Me too.’
‘Or maybe it’s just uniquely you.’
I looked at him and my heart spasmed. Cam took a sip of wine.
It was hard to focus when he was saying such incendiary things and also half naked.
He was only wearing a pair of sweats. Chest bare and magnificent.
I was wearing a robe and pulled it a bit tighter around me now, like some kind of prude.
The prude horse bolted way back in Dublin, Maro. Dee’s voice. I shut it out.
I really wanted to ask him if he was used to this kind of intensity with his lovers. Was this normal? Before I could stop myself, I asked, ‘Your last relationship ... did you live together?’ The thought of him doing with another woman what we’d just done sent a skewer of pain through me. Uh oh.
His face went a little blank. ‘I don’t have relationships.’
My insides un-skewered a little, while at the same time absorbing his very clear message to remember this was just an extended hook-up. I pushed down the pang I felt inside. This was no place for pangs. And then I was curious. ‘No long-term relationships?’
He shook his head. ‘Not interested in long-term. Not after …’ He stopped. And looked at me.
‘You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to,’ I said quickly.
‘I haven’t had any long-term relationships either.
Kind of hard to do when you’re responsible for teenage siblings and seeing them through college years.
’ Yeah, and you really excelled there with Johnny, said that snarky little voice.
But after a moment, he said in a clipped voice, ‘My folks were gone before I learned to walk. My dad went to prison for dealing drugs, I never saw him again. My mother split with a new boyfriend after that, I think she never wanted a kid. Haven’t seen her since.
No siblings or extended family. The child services tried to adopt me out, but the family who first took me couldn’t cope and gave me back.
They weren’t prepared to put in the time with a baby who’d been neglected.
After that I was too old to adopt out easily.
So I bounced around foster homes until I ended up in juvie at sixteen. ’
Cam stopped talking. I knew my eyes had gone big and tried not to look so shocked, but …
‘Juvie? As in juvenile delinquent centre?’
His mouth quirked, but it wasn’t an amused smile. ‘Exactly that.’ He went on. ‘The foster father I was staying with at the time had a penchant for young boys and when he came for me, I was ready with a baseball bat by the bed.’
I sucked in a breath. ‘What happened?’
Cam shook his head. ‘I knocked him out, gave him a concussion, the least he deserved. He’d been abusing kids for years.’
‘Cam … that’s horrific. I’m so sorry you had to endure that.’
He shrugged minutely. ‘It was what it was.’
I sensed the subject was closed; he’d already said more than he’d wanted to, maybe. So I said, ‘I spoke with my sister yesterday.’
Cam raised a brow. ‘And?’
I remembered Caitie being in a hurry to get off the phone. Distracted. ‘We’ll make a plan to meet. But she and Johnny are both busy – they have lives here now ... partners.’
Cam looked at me with a narrowed gaze. ‘Being meek doesn’t suit you.’
I tensed. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘That I’m sure you know that they’ll drop everything to see you.’
I hated this feeling of insecurity, like I was encroaching on their busy lives. ‘When I spoke to Caitie earlier she was busy.’
‘So? She was at work – that doesn’t mean she won’t want to see you. What about your brother? What does he do?’
I felt pride swelling in my chest, along with residual regret and pain. ‘He makes furniture – he’s a really talented carpenter. He’s going out with Ashling, Caitlin’s boyfriend’s sister. I haven’t met Liam or Ashling yet.’
‘So it’s bound to be quite the reunion.’
I swallowed. ‘Yes.’
‘So why don’t you look more excited?’
Cam’s silver gaze was narrowed on me. Far too incisive.
I couldn’t escape. ‘Because Johnny left home when he dropped out of his last year in university and I haven’t seen him in nearly five years.
’ I tried to swallow the emotion, but Cam saw it and stood up.
He pulled me out of the chair and went back to sit down, drawing me down onto his lap.
‘Tell me what happened.’
God, it was so easy just to sink into this man’s strength and absorb it. Dangerously easy. And I was weak. I’d never really spoken much about this. Not even Dee knew how traumatic it had been.
‘Our folks’ deaths hit us all so hard. Caitie was so young, just twelve.
Johnny was seventeen going on thirty, full of attitude and hormones.
He’d already been acting up – nothing outrageous, just normal teenage stuff.
But after they died, he was so angry and mixed up ...
and I was terrified I couldn’t control him.
We clashed, a lot, especially over school stuff and what he was going to do. ’
‘First of all,’ Cam said. ‘Can I point out how young you were. And you suddenly had to be a parent. Two parents.’
His arms felt like steel bands around me. I had the very unnerving sense of being home even though I was thousands of miles away from home.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘Johnny was just lashing out and then I reacted by being harsh on him. He’d got into Dublin City University to do architecture, but he never really settled and before his final year we had a massive argument.
I remember Caitie’s face, so pale and shocked.
She cried, begging us to stop. And then Johnny left ...
came here and made his own way ... and as time went on I think it became harder for him to come home or reach out.
This huge gulf just opened up, until Caitie came here a few months back and found him. ’
I went on. ‘I should have made more of an effort to come here and find him.’
‘You had your sister to worry about. Johnny isn’t much younger than you – he could have been the one to make amends. I’m sure he feels guilty too. He left you two behind.’
‘But I was the eldest.’
‘In an impossible situation. What were your dreams? Were you going to university?’
I nodded. ‘I had a place at Trinity to do English and drama.’
‘You want to be an actress?’
I shrugged, feeling self-conscious. ‘I’m not sure any more. I just always loved English, and theatre and film.’
‘You made a huge sacrifice to take care of your siblings.’
I looked at Cam and the compassion in his eyes almost undid me. ‘I would do it again. I love them.’
He squeezed me. ‘They were lucky to have you and there’s nothing stopping you from doing what you want, now.’
I smiled a little. ‘I know, that’s the scary thing. I’ve worked at that recruitment agency for years and it’s all I’ve known, but I’ve been offered redundancy and I’m tempted.’ I looked at him. ‘No offence, but I only went into that area because I could and I had to.’
‘None taken. English and drama sounds far more exciting.’
Impulsively, I blurted out, ‘Would you come with me when I go to meet them?’
He didn’t hesitate. ‘Of course.’ His easy acceptance of everything I’d just told him – my shame for driving Johnny away – was settling inside me, sending out a warm glow.
‘Thank you, but if something comes up it’s fine – I’ll understand.’
‘I have a favour to ask of you.’
I wondered what on earth I could do for this man who had everything and who was so self-contained. ‘Anything.’
He raised a brow. ‘Are you sure? Before you’ve even heard?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘I’m sure I can handle it.’ If I could get through seeing my brother again, I could do anything.
‘It’s a charity event tomorrow night, black-tie. Will you be my plus-one?’
‘I ... of course, no problem.’ My heart stuttered at the thought that he wanted to be seen with me among his peers.
And then he said, ‘Thanks. I have a colleague whose wife is becoming overly attentive and it’s awkward. If she sees me with someone else, it’ll help.’
The way my insides sank was not good. But I forced a smile.
‘No worries.’ Another reminder not to let this all go to my head.
Because I would have to get back to reality – I wasn’t totally delusional.
He’d asked for a favour, not a date. But then I thought of something else.
‘I don’t have anything suitable with me. ’
He smiled enigmatically. ‘Leave that with me.’